WTT after loss - OH gone all distant...

[MrsMandBump]

Hi ladies,

Apologies if you've seen this thread before, I first posted it in WTT but actually think it is better placed in here

I had a natural MC at 11 weeks on 7 December 2010.

At the time my husband was very supportive. There when I needed him through 5 days of initial bleeding, the MC itself on the Tuesday and over a week afterwards at home.

He did the right things, said the right things and was my rock.

Now however he's become very distant. My theory is now that I've stopped bleeding he's anxious about having sex again, 1) because of associating my 'area' with massive bleeding and pain 2) because the implication of having unprotected sex means that I could get pregnant again and have another MC which would be going through the physical and emotional pain all over again.

I'm also nervous about having sex again for both of the reasons above but I'm getting more and more ready to try as each day passes and I understand and accept that there was nothing to suggest in my first MC that there is an increased chance of it happening again.

I've tried talking to him and saying things like 'what are your goals for 2011' and he says 'making sure I keep my job and don't get made redundant', he didn't mention making/having a baby at all. My friend thinks he's covering up his real feelings by focussing on work. We both work in the public sector so there is a chance we'll be made redundant but neither of us are in imminent danger.

When I say 'are you nervous about having sex again?' he says 'maybe'. When I say 'are you worried about me having another MC?' he says 'maybe'. I keep getting 'maybe' answers or avoidance answers and I'm starting to get frustrated although I've hidden this from him.

Just needed somewhere to get it all out.

Has anyone here gone through a similar thing? xxxx

 

[puppycat]

Not directly but my DH is self employed so basically HE decides how long he works. The last few days he has literally been out of the house ALL day. Last night he finished at 9.15pm and didn't come up to bed with me.

I think men need to deal with things themselves and find it equally as hard as we do. I'd say give him some space and let him come around. He now needs your support just like he supported you through your m/c.

 

[MrsMandBump]

Thanks puppycat, I'm sorry for your loss I guess I'm finding it hard because we've been together about 8 years and got married in 2010, the baby was so very wanted by both of us and now I'm probably scared that he'll never want to try again for fear that it'll happen again. I'm gonna try and channel all my thoughts into here rather than put any pressure on him xxxx

 

[glaciergirl]

Yes I have gone through this with my OH. We have been together for about 15 years - so we know each other really well. But after I found out I was pregnant and then later had the mmc. he went emotionally awol. He just couldn't cope with it and basically I was on my own pretty much until I had the D&C. Later he told me he was in shock most of the time (never wanted to have kids, and still wasn't sure even when I was preg) and just didn't know how to handle it or help me through it. He was also angry and found it difficult to talk as he did not have many close friends who he could discuss it with. I can honestly say that the last 2 months have been a massive strain on us - he is going to counselling as he does want to have a baby with me, but he feels he needs to talk about so many issues he has himself (only child, lost his fater 2 yrs ago etc). We waited one cycle before trying again which has helped massively, and NYE we were very busy! He's incredibly supportive now, and I know that he really wants this baby now rather than doing it to make me happy (trust me I ask often enough!).

I think give him time, he will come round. He needs to deal with it in his own time. Noone can be pushed into trying again - he has to decide for himself. I know - I was also frustrated with my OH, but when they are ready - they will certainly be there 100% for you.

Also try and do nice things together not involving babies or ttc. Go away for the weekend, relax, shop, go out for dinner and talk. We went away for the weekend and stayed in a lovely B&B and it was only then that my OH felt he could open up and tell me how he really felt as it was a neutral environment. It was really hard hearing what he had to say - we got upset but we worked through it, and it was nice not having to wash the dishes or make the bed afterwards!

Good luck, and don't worry it will get better for you both xx

 

[MrsMandBump]

Thank you glaciergirl, we are in fact going out for something to eat tonight followed by the cinema, which we haven't done for years in fact!

Obviously, after a MC it stays on the womans mind all the time, there hasn't been a day gone by that I don't think about it (either the MC itself or what could have been), it doesn't make me tearful or angry, I just think about it. And its hard not knowing if my hubby feels the same, even if he does, he's obviously not ready to talk about it yet.

I'm a big 'talker' and lots of people have heard the story of my MC as I find it therapeutic to talk about it, but I've learnt that not everyones the same.

I'm so happy for you both that your OH has sought help and you're both on the same page. I hope you get your 2011 baby xxxx

 

[shelleney]

Hi there.
sorry for your loss.
i have been a similar position. i had an ectopic pregnancy last year, and my OH was wonderful throughout the 2 long months it took to treat it.
we then had to wait 6 months before we were allowed to start trying again. when the 6 months were finally up, i was desperate to start again, but my OH was terrified. He wouldnt have sex with me, and he wouldnt talk about it.
Eventually I sat him and down and forced him to talk to me. He finally opened up, and said how scared he was of us getting pregnant and it happening again. I told him I was scared too, but my need for a child was outweighing my fear. He eventually came round, and we have just started TTC again.

Please talk to your OH, and listen to him. I bet he is just really scared. I hope you sort things out and get your forever baby soon
xx

 

[croydongirl]

I totally hear what you are saying. My hubby is the same way. I think they don't like not being able to do anything to fix it and make us feel better. Guys like to fix our problems, and I think the feeling of helplessness is hard for them to process.
They grieve in different ways. They tend to keep their feelings close to themselves, sometimes i wonder if mu hubby blames himself for what's going on with us and I know that is hard for him to talk about.

I am a talker, I like to talk everything through and i had to realise that it isn't that way with him I realised that before we were ever ttc but it has made it much more obvious! Give him so time, and I am sure it will be alright. Bless you guys x

 

[MrsMandBump]

Hi there.
sorry for your loss.
i have been a similar position. i had an ectopic pregnancy last year, and my OH was wonderful throughout the 2 long months it took to treat it.
we then had to wait 6 months before we were allowed to start trying again. when the 6 months were finally up, i was desperate to start again, but my OH was terrified. He wouldnt have sex with me, and he wouldnt talk about it.
Eventually I sat him and down and forced him to talk to me. He finally opened up, and said how scared he was of us getting pregnant and it happening again. I told him I was scared too, but my need for a child was outweighing my fear. He eventually came round, and we have just started TTC again.

Please talk to your OH, and listen to him. I bet he is just really scared. I hope you sort things out and get your forever baby soon
xx

Thank you Shelleney and excellent news that you are TTC again

After we went on a 'date' on Thursday and had such a giggle, I have accepted that we will wait a while before TTC, I'm sure the sex will come naturally if we keep on making time for one another and then broach the subject after some time has passed.

Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you lots of for 2011 xxxx

 

[MrsMandBump]

I totally hear what you are saying. My hubby is the same way. I think they don't like not being able to do anything to fix it and make us feel better. Guys like to fix our problems, and I think the feeling of helplessness is hard for them to process.
They grieve in different ways. They tend to keep their feelings close to themselves, sometimes i wonder if mu hubby blames himself for what's going on with us and I know that is hard for him to talk about.

I am a talker, I like to talk everything through and i had to realise that it isn't that way with him I realised that before we were ever ttc but it has made it much more obvious! Give him so time, and I am sure it will be alright. Bless you guys x

Thank you Croydongirl

Our hubbys sound exactly the same.

I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks/months of not obsessing over ovulation, babies, cycles, symptom spotting...etc...

I know by stripping it all back down to just me and him being happy together is the way to go

All the very best for 2011 to you xxxx

 

[Feisty Fidget]

It's normal darling

Me and DH have been together for over 9 years (married for 1) and we started ttc almost a year ago. It was so frustrating not understanding why we weren't getting our and I felt there was something was wrong with me. When we finally got our wish in September last year we were over the moon. When it all came crashing down 5 weeks later in a mmc, DH was there for me completely.

Once I was managing to cope better DH then became quiet and distant, I tried to talk through it with him but he just got angry and said he was entitled to feeling this way after losing our child. I let him know that I was here if he wanted to talk but didn't pressure him. I focused on just us an in no time at all he was back on track.

We are now properly ttc again and have in fact gone all out this cycle to try and get our

xxx

 

[MrsMandBump]

It's normal darling

Me and DH have been together for over 9 years (married for 1) and we started ttc almost a year ago. It was so frustrating not understanding why we weren't getting our and I felt there was something was wrong with me. When we finally got our wish in September last year we were over the moon. When it all came crashing down 5 weeks later in a mmc, DH was there for me completely.

Once I was managing to cope better DH then became quiet and distant, I tried to talk through it with him but he just got angry and said he was entitled to feeling this way after losing our child. I let him know that I was here if he wanted to talk but didn't pressure him. I focused on just us an in no time at all he was back on track.

We are now properly ttc again and have in fact gone all out this cycle to try and get our

xxx

I can relate to your story so much. Since I've concentrated on making DH smile and not talking about TTC, there's been a massive improvement in his openness.

I get so much support on BnB and with other friends for my MC, I don't feel the need to burden my DH with it 24/7.

Fingers crossed for your January :BFP:!!!!!!!! xxxxx

 

[Feisty Fidget]

Thanks chickadee and as soon as you feel ready I hope to see you right along with me

 

[suffolksarah]

Hi ladies,
Reading this tread has made me feel much better. This morning the OH asked me waht date it was (to check the milk was okay) i said 9th then got sad as the 10th was suppose to be 12 weeks. and i was suppose to be relaxing a little.
i bleed a lot yesterday after 3 days of no bleeding,(an me thinking it was all over!) apparently a little bit can get stuck after erpc and is still connected to a blood supply, so had lots of clots and blood, it made me think i was back to square one again, coping with loss etc.
anyway i was talking to oh about my hpt being positive still, and cant try opk untill -. my OH turned around and snapped 'all i think yoiu want to do is ttc and get preg again, is that your only focus and goal' and to be honest yes. i have been a nanny working with other peoples babies for the last 12 years, and i wanted this baby so very much, and so much want to be a mum! that is my goal in life, i love my oh to bits but really do, and have always wanted to be a mum. i thought this was my time!!!
anyway this tread made me think 'perhaps i do talk about it too much, prehaps i should just rant on here, and try to focus on OH rather than just ttc again. its so very hard not to talk about it though!!!! Anyway thanks for all the opinions and advice, dont know what i would do without you all xxx

 

[MrsMandBump]

Hi ladies,
Reading this tread has made me feel much better. This morning the OH asked me waht date it was (to check the milk was okay) i said 9th then got sad as the 10th was suppose to be 12 weeks. and i was suppose to be relaxing a little.
i bleed a lot yesterday after 3 days of no bleeding,(an me thinking it was all over!) apparently a little bit can get stuck after erpc and is still connected to a blood supply, so had lots of clots and blood, it made me think i was back to square one again, coping with loss etc.
anyway i was talking to oh about my hpt being positive still, and cant try opk untill -. my OH turned around and snapped 'all i think yoiu want to do is ttc and get preg again, is that your only focus and goal' and to be honest yes. i have been a nanny working with other peoples babies for the last 12 years, and i wanted this baby so very much, and so much want to be a mum! that is my goal in life, i love my oh to bits but really do, and have always wanted to be a mum. i thought this was my time!!!
anyway this tread made me think 'perhaps i do talk about it too much, prehaps i should just rant on here, and try to focus on OH rather than just ttc again. its so very hard not to talk about it though!!!! Anyway thanks for all the opinions and advice, dont know what i would do without you all xxx

Hi Sarah,

I 100% understand your feelings about ttc being your only goal. Last week must have been a turning point for me because all of a sudden I was enthusiastic in work meetings, booking a holiday for February, going out and having a drink etc. All the stuff which I wasn't bothered about only a few weeks ago.

If I ask myself what I want to achieve in 2011 it would be to get pregnant. That's still the case now, but I'm doing my very best not to let it occupy my every thought. And talking to my DH about it a lot might be therapeutic for me, but probably puts a lot of pressure on him to deliver!!

I'm sorry to hear that your bleeding came back with a vengence yesterday
I feel like I've spent the last 3 months wearing pads, still wearing a thin one now as I've no idea when AF will come, I hate surprises! I hope thats the last of the bleeding for you now

xxxx

 

[MrsMandBump]

OMG we just !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1st time since MC!!!!!!!!

 

[shelleney]

OMG we just !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1st time since MC!!!!!!!!

Congratulations Hun.
Hope it all went well
xx

 

[MrsMandBump]

Perfect! Very spontaneous (and it didn't hurt or bring back MC memories like I was scared it would) and he seemed to enjoy it! lol xxxx