WTT against my wishes

[bbaaiileeyy]

Hey everyone,

I am new to this forum but really needed to find somewhere private to talk about what is going on in my life.

My husband (25) and I (23) have been married since April 2014 and could not be happier. He is currently a full time student after serving 6 years in the military and I have a very good administrative job. We own our own home as well as reliable vehicles. On top of all that we have more than most people twice our age have in savings.

The only problem is I want a family more than anything in the world and he wants to wait at least 2 more years. In all fairness, he is trying to wait till he finishes school but I can't stifle my baby fever. I have baby sat, watched friends kids, even nannied for a year but nothing can fill this void in my heart.

I have been off birth control for almost a year (I had run out of options after all birth control methods had proven to have terrible side effects for me) and we switched to condoms. I cry nearly every time we have sex as he puts one on. Every month I resent him more and more when AF shows up. I hate feeling this way. I wish he could understand the longing that I have.

I would never poke holes in condoms or trick him into having children because I want him to want this as much as I do. I want a family so badly that it feels like a deal breaker that he isn't ready; however, I couldn't imagine having children with anyone else. He truly is the love of my life.

I just feel like I am at my wits end. I can't turn off these feelings but I don't know how to see it from his side. I just want him to be on the same page as me. I am hoping I can get some helpful and productive advice from all you wonderful ladies.

 

[bbaaiileeyy]

Also, I wanted to add that we have had "scares" in the past but never an actual pregnancy. I also come from a long line of women ranging from having a couple miscarriages to having complete infertility. I worry that this could be a problem for me as well and I feel like trying and failing would be better than finding out down the line and then taking years to conceive. If that is what it comes down to, I will obviously take it as it comes but I hate not knowing.

 

[Scarlett P]

Sending you MASSIVE hugs

I've had similar problems with my hubby with ttc #2 - he wanted to wait several more years but I didn't cos of our age and that we had problems ttc #1. Every time I tried to talk to him, he would shut me down and say nooooooooo no more babies right now (our daughter is a beautiful handful and we did have a bit of a bumpy start with her)

In the end I wrote him an email. It gave me chance to really sit down and think about what I wanted to say and explain properly how I felt. And I pointed out about the fertility problems and my worries and how long it can take to ttc.

Because he got to read it away from me, so he got chance to think about it all this way worked really well for us - he came around! And I must admit that things have been better between us since as I'd started to resent him too.

Maybe you could reach a compromise?

The only thing I'd say is, totally understand why he wants to wait as he's still in education. I'm sure he wants to be able to provide when you're on mat leave. If he's not earning atm, would you still be able to have a decent amount of maternity leave? You don't want to finally have your LO and then not be able to spend the time you'd like with them as you have to go back to work (and child care can be sooooo expensive)

Good luck xx

 

[annio84]

You need to talk to him and be honest and come up with a way to proceed that doesn't leave either of you feeling resentful. You say he wants to wait until he's finished studying in two years, maybe a compromise would be that you NTNP next year? Baby could then arrive as he finishes studying (but hopefully not during his finals). You also need to consider that he may just not feel ready and you both do need to be ready.

I waited for my daughter for most of my 20s and finally had her when I was 28. I remember what it was like but it didn't kill me. My husband wasn't ready and that had to be the deciding factor on such a big change even with uncertainty over my fertility. Now I have her I just know it was right that we waited or we wouldn't have her - it would have been another baby.

 

[xstitcher87]

I had (and still do have) pretty bad baby fever. I've been ready to have kids since I finished my degree at 23, but my husband wasn't ready until this year (we're TTC in December). One of my strategies was to really nail down a month to start, would your hubby be open to NTNP or TTC when he has 6 months left to go on his education? Then once you have a date it can be a little easier, because the wait doesn't feel so open ended.

My baby fever got to the point of no return (so to speak) at the end of last year, I teared up when I took my pill in the mornings and kept hoping for an accident. I also come from a line of women who suffer from infertility and miscarriage. I chose a neutral time to discuss it with my husband, we had eaten, weren't tired or distracted, sunday mornings after breakfast are usually when we discuss important things. I would have been happy to start right away, but my husband had his concerns too. So we agreed on December 2015.

I promptly did up a list of things I needed to do to really prepare myself. 6 months before TTC I had a full health check done by my doctor, made sure all my immunisations were up to date. I also drew up a list of other things to do that are more difficult to do once we have a baby, date nights, lazy sunday morning brunches, working on my hobbies, spontaneous weekends away etc some extra things too like donating blood (something I'd always wanted to do but put off) and doing a bit of volunteer work.

It really only serves to distract, but my aim is to keep me distracted long enough until it is TTC time!!

I definitely feel for you, it is soooooo hard!!!!

 

[sweetysangel8]

I definitely can relate to this. I'm 27 and my DH is 31. He is a computer programmer and i'm an administrative assistant. We have been together since I was 19, finally got married this year after years of waiting for the ring. But I've have baby fever since I was probably about 22. He kept wanting to wait until we were financially stable and to the point that I can stay home.

Everytime the baby thing would come up I would get "eventually" out of him. He wanted to get married and buy a house first and there I was trying to negotiate having a baby before that. It would drive me absolutely crazy! I was also on the pill until about 2 years ago, but came off of it because of the side effects so we are using condoms. It got to the point that whenever we would have sex I would try and "sweet talk" him into not putting the condom on and I would get disappointed when he did. Finally when things fell into place with the wedding and we bought a house, I finally got him to pick out a date to start trying (our one year wedding anniversary). He said I can jump him then no matter what.

I think he finally got to the point that he feels comfortable supporting a family and I'll be able to quit my job before we start trying. I think part of it is he came from a very rough background and wanted to make sure we were stable (mom left when he was 13, his dad was an alcoholic and he started paying most the bills when he was 14). But since picking a date to finally start, I can't say that it's bearable, but it just seems more doable with the light at the end of the tunnel. I do cry hysterically everytime someone announces a pregnancy and I feel horrible because I just can't feel happy for them when it's something that I want so very badly. All you get really do is take life one day at a time and try to distract yourself the best that you can. You will have good days and you will have bad days unfortunately.

 

[LucyLadyBug]

sorry to hear how you are feeling, and I can definitely relate.

I signed up for this forum in 2011 (I was 19/20), when my baby wanting first started to take over. But it was more future longing than anything at that point - Me and FH1 were still in Uni, i was staying at his mum's over the summer and looking for houses to buy, term time we were long distance, etc...

As times gone on, my broodiness has definitely grown. In the original ideal plan, we would be married already and be starting to try in the new year (26 this december, and that has always been my start trying for kids guideline).

However, in early 2013 I met FH2 (I'm polyamorous) and this threw all our plans out the window as me and FH1 were not going to start trying and push a family on FH2 until it was what we all wanted.

FH2 this week finally got the job confirmation he needed to move in with us full time, earlier this year he proposed to me and said he was in a place where he could say me, and our family and kids was definitely what he wanted. We also ave a date and a venue for our none legal (but meaningful to us) wedding/commitment ceremony next October.

The three of us have a tentative agreed plan of TTC as soon as possible after the wedding, but this depends a lot on finances and if I am still with the same company at the time. I came off the pill in May this year for medical reasons too, and have been finding it surprisingly hard to hide my disappointment around using condoms. But both my partners have expressed the same disappointments though, which weirdly makes me feel better

 

[nnaime]

Sending you MASSIVE hugs

I've had similar problems with my hubby with ttc #2 - he wanted to wait several more years but I didn't cos of our age and that we had problems ttc #1. Every time I tried to talk to him, he would shut me down and say nooooooooo no more babies right now (our daughter is a beautiful handful and we did have a bit of a bumpy start with her)

In the end I wrote him an email. It gave me chance to really sit down and think about what I wanted to say and explain properly how I felt. And I pointed out about the fertility problems and my worries and how long it can take to ttc.

Because he got to read it away from me, so he got chance to think about it all this way worked really well for us - he came around! And I must admit that things have been better between us since as I'd started to resent him too.

Maybe you could reach a compromise?

The only thing I'd say is, totally understand why he wants to wait as he's still in education. I'm sure he wants to be able to provide when you're on mat leave. If he's not earning atm, would you still be able to have a decent amount of maternity leave? You don't want to finally have your LO and then not be able to spend the time you'd like with them as you have to go back to work (and child care can be sooooo expensive)

Good luck xx

This is spectacular advice

 

[bbaaiileeyy]

I thank all of you so much for your words! I really have felt so alone because I don't have anyone in my life I can be this honest with.

Today, I decided to text him about how I felt and how the wait was killing me (I needed to do it without the emotions and the abruptness of the face to face interactions we had been having). How I had tried to shut off the feelings and suppress my thoughts for so long but it was getting to be too much. I also brought up NTNP after finding stuff about it on this site. He said he wants to wait till he's done with his first year of school (August 2016) to start trying. But that is still a year earlier than he had been telling me so we are going in the right direction! I really hope he will decide to get on board with NTNP for the time being, though!

My husband was the product of a single teen mother and grew up watching her struggle, while we are not in the same situation I feel like he so badly wants to be over prepared because of his past.

My Job offers me paid maternity leave for up to 16 weeks and on top of that, my husband and I's plan is for him to become a stay at home dad for at least the first 2 years if he is done with school, otherwise, we have very eager future grandparents that would be doing childcare for us.

We have all our bases covered. Our financials are in order. Prenatal and postnatal care are in place. He just isn't ready. It's that last part that breaks my heart...

 

[nnaime]

I thank all of you so much for your words! I really have felt so alone because I don't have anyone in my life I can be this honest with.

Today, I decided to text him about how I felt and how the wait was killing me (I needed to do it without the emotions and the abruptness of the face to face interactions we had been having). How I had tried to shut off the feelings and suppress my thoughts for so long but it was getting to be too much. I also brought up NTNP after finding stuff about it on this site. He said he wants to wait till he's done with his first year of school (August 2016) to start trying. But that is still a year earlier than he had been telling me so we are going in the right direction! I really hope he will decide to get on board with NTNP for the time being, though!

My husband was the product of a single teen mother and grew up watching her struggle, while we are not in the same situation I feel like he so badly wants to be over prepared because of his past.

My Job offers me paid maternity leave for up to 16 weeks and on top of that, my husband and I's plan is for him to become a stay at home dad for at least the first 2 years if he is done with school, otherwise, we have very eager future grandparents that would be doing childcare for us.

We have all our bases covered. Our financials are in order. Prenatal and postnatal care are in place. He just isn't ready. It's that last part that breaks my heart...

You could try easing into the NTNP boards and talk to the women there and about their husbands, most of us have transitioned from WTT at some point. It's fun to jump boards sometimes if you're prepared personally

 

[Scarlett P]

That's great that you've talked to him at it's moved forward at least one year xxx

 

[MindUtopia]

Try to make the most of this time you have now to prepare, but also I think you have to really empathize with where he is coming from as the one who will be providing the bulk of the childcare (being a stay at home parent is hard work! Way harder than working, I think. I did it full-time for a year and part-time until just recently). Being a student and a parent is also really, really hard if you don't have childcare help. If the plan is for him to be at home after your maternity leave, support him now to be in the best place he can be so that he can do that when it's time. I was a full-time student when we had our daughter (now 2.5) - and I still am a full-time student actually - working on a PhD. The beauty of that is that I could plan my own time off and I didn't need to attend classes (I run a research study, and while I have to travel periodically for that, I largely work from home). I have ultimate flexibility to work whenever and wherever I want, but doing that while also caring for a baby and then a toddler is hard work. You have no time for yourself. You barely have time for your partner if one or both of you needs to work in the evening after being home all day with your LO. If I had only had to wait two years until I would have been out of school to TTC, I would have been jumping for joy! At the point we decided to have our daughter, I was still 4 years away from finishing (year 4 of a 7 year program, with an extra year that I took off for maternity leave) and I was 32. If I'd waited til I was finished, I would have been 36. So there was definitely some urgency to get things moving and I'm glad we did it. But it's not easy and financially we need help from family for childcare because what I make as a doctoral student doesn't cover the costs of the childcare I need to be able to be a student. And then I'm always spread so thin that neither my parenting nor my work is ever as good as it could be. So feel good about the fact that you have a solid plan, that time is on your side, and help your husband now to get to a place where he's able to take time off to support you going back to work, and feel good about that. Waiting is hard, but the pay off is great when it's for the right reason.

 

[Jaxie086]

I know exactly what you're going through. My husband is in the medical field. We've been together a long time (look at my signature lol) so I knew exactly what I was getting into. I wouldn't change it for the world. The hardest part has been waiting to fulfill my dream, so he can fulfill his. Meaning, we had to wait a long time to ttc until he was in a stable place in his medical profession. We started dating when we were 16. Got married at 27. Just started ttc a month ago. Believe me, I have wanted a baby so very badly for years. But, I know that if we didn't wait until now, it wouldn't have been an ideal time. And I wanted us both to want this baby and feel like it was the right time for us both. We are both now 29 and just now ttc, and it feels so right and I am so happy that we both waited to ttc together. I wouldn't change a thing hope this helps!

 

[bbaaiileeyy]

Happy update!!

I had originally stated that we had enough condoms to last a week or so, but I was mistaken. Hubby just chose not to throw away the empty box. On the plus side he has not been eager to pick up more and our sex life has really picked up. Especially during my fertile window this month.

We haven't really discussed the idea since our text message conversation but it appears he liked my idea of NTNP. I am tracking my periods but not encouraging extra BD based on them. I figure easing into it this way will be best for both to us to adjust and leave it up to fate.

I really want to thank everyone who reached out to me here. I accomplished in less than a month something I had battled by myself for nearly 2 years. All of you had such great advice and gave me an outlet that really helped me voice what I wanted!

 

[Scarlett P]

That's great news, really pleased it's all working out for you xx

 

[bbaaiileeyy]

Well, this will be my last update on this thread but after having so many positive people with excellent advice I needed to keep you all in the loop... I am pregnant! 5 and a half weeks to be precise. It took 30 days of NTNP and now my hubby and I have a little one on the way!

Thank you all for being here for me, I feel like I owe my success in this endeavor to all of you!

 

[sweetysangel8]

Well, this will be my last update on this thread but after having so many positive people with excellent advice I needed to keep you all in the loop... I am pregnant! 5 and a half weeks to be precise. It took 30 days of NTNP and now my hubby and I have a little one on the way!

Thank you all for being here for me, I feel like I owe my success in this endeavor to all of you!

Congrats!

 

[Scarlett P]

Wow huge congrats! Wishing you a healthy and happy 9 months! xx

 

[Flip flop]

That's great news, it shows that there is light at the end of the tunnel for a lot of women out there (including me)

 

[MummaBear16]

Congratulations! That's fantastic news! I've just read your thread, and I love a good ending! Posting on here seems to do some good, I just had my Dp agree to ttc soon. There is light at the end of the (sometimes dark and seems never ending) tunnel!