1 of each

[Tess08]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant and found out on Sunday that it is a little boy. I already have a daughter who is almost 3 and all I keep getting from everyone is 'oh one of each, you must be delighted!' So why am I not?! I know that 1 of each is probably a dream for most people but not for me.

I never cared growing up whether I was going to have boys or girls but all I knew is that I wanted 2 of the same gender. I wanted them to grow up being best friends and passing down clothes/toys etc to each other and now that I know that will never happen I feel completely lost.

I feel so disconnected with the baby now and I am absolutely terrified I won't be able to bond with him when he's here or that I will end up with post natal depression. I feel so angry and disgusted with myself for thinking these things and I wish I could flip a switch to make it all ok but I just can't get these horrible thoughts out of my head.

I can't talk to my husband about this because he is over the moon we are having a boy and I would hate to say anything that would take that away from him. I just feel like I have been robbed of the life I always dreamt I would have and I can't imagine how it is going to be now. I feel like the worst mum in the world for thinking these things and I just wish I could fast forward to him being here so that I will hopefully be able to create a bond with him that right now I just can't imagine x

 

[3boys]

I always knew I would have a big family but I thought it would be mainly girls. That was always my dream. It didn't quite work out like that and I have 6 boys and 1 girl. I've cried my eyes out coming out of some gender scans and fruit very low afterwards none of which makes sense in my head as I absolutely adore my boys. I know it's tough right now but if you are anything like me you won't feel like this at birth. You will be head over heels in love and wonder what you were on about. The more it happens to me and believe me I'm expecting it to happen again the more I believe it's nothing to do with the baby you are having and more to do with grieving for the dream of what you thought you would have. Does that make sense?

 

[Tess08]

I always knew I would have a big family but I thought it would be mainly girls. That was always my dream. It didn't quite work out like that and I have 6 boys and 1 girl. I've cried my eyes out coming out of some gender scans and fruit very low afterwards none of which makes sense in my head as I absolutely adore my boys. I know it's tough right now but if you are anything like me you won't feel like this at birth. You will be head over heels in love and wonder what you were on about. The more it happens to me and believe me I'm expecting it to happen again the more I believe it's nothing to do with the baby you are having and more to do with grieving for the dream of what you thought you would have. Does that make sense?

Yes that makes perfect sense because that's exactly how I'm feeling! I'm not disappointed in my baby boy, I'm disappointed that my daughter will never have a sister and that is what is upsetting me most. It's a picture I've had in my head ever since I was a little girl, 2 of the same who are best friends but I need to try and get a new picture in my head. My daughter is so loving and gentle so she would be happy with a brother or a sister so I just need to try and make myself snap out of this! Congrats on your big family. I would love that but unfortunately financially this will be our second and last baby. Thank you for replying x

 

[pompeyvix]

I felt exactly the same as you. I have a 4 year old daughter and wanted another girl for the same reasons.... my daughter also wanted a sister. I thought they could grow up best friends and super close.

When I found out I was expecting a boy, I had gender disappointment and struggled to come to terms with it. I worried I wouldn't bond with a boy.

When he was born in January, I fell absolutely head over heels in love. I just adore my son so much that I have cried tears of guilt for ever wishing he was a girl. My daughter loves him and he has just completed me. I now can't even imagine having two girls.

Although no one can say how you will react when he is born, the chances are you will fall completely in love and the feelings of gender disappointment with either go completely or fade massively.

 

[Tess08]

I felt exactly the same as you. I have a 4 year old daughter and wanted another girl for the same reasons.... my daughter also wanted a sister. I thought they could grow up best friends and super close.

When I found out I was expecting a boy, I had gender disappointment and struggled to come to terms with it. I worried I wouldn't bond with a boy.

When he was born in January, I fell absolutely head over heels in love. I just adore my son so much that I have cried tears of guilt for ever wishing he was a girl. My daughter loves him and he has just completed me. I now can't even imagine having two girls.

Although no one can say how you will react when he is born, the chances are you will fall completely in love and the feelings of gender disappointment with either go completely or fade massively.

Thank you vix. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I am also really worried that I won't be able to form as close a bond with my son as I have with my daughter so it really helps to hear someone else has felt like that but it's all turned out ok. I keep trying to look at baby boy clothes etc but I am really struggling to force myself to like anything. Did that happen to u? Did u have gender disappointment right up until he was born? I keep getting short spells of feeling like I'm okay with it then bam, it hits me again and I just feel so awful x

 

[3boys]

What you're describing is exactly how I felt but once he was born it completely disappeared.

 

[pompeyvix]

I felt exactly the same as you. I have a 4 year old daughter and wanted another girl for the same reasons.... my daughter also wanted a sister. I thought they could grow up best friends and super close.

When I found out I was expecting a boy, I had gender disappointment and struggled to come to terms with it. I worried I wouldn't bond with a boy.

When he was born in January, I fell absolutely head over heels in love. I just adore my son so much that I have cried tears of guilt for ever wishing he was a girl. My daughter loves him and he has just completed me. I now can't even imagine having two girls.

Although no one can say how you will react when he is born, the chances are you will fall completely in love and the feelings of gender disappointment with either go completely or fade massively.

Thank you vix. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I am also really worried that I won't be able to form as close a bond with my son as I have with my daughter so it really helps to hear someone else has felt like that but it's all turned out ok. I keep trying to look at baby boy clothes etc but I am really struggling to force myself to like anything. Did that happen to u? Did u have gender disappointment right up until he was born? I keep getting short spells of feeling like I'm okay with it then bam, it hits me again and I just feel so awful x

Totally with you on the clothes!! I tried to get excited about having a boy by going clothes shopping but I felt incredibly uninspired. I ended up buying loads second hand off Facebook sites because I didn't see the point of buying new stuff when it was just plain and dull. He now has a good mix of new stuff (next and Sainsbury's stuff tends to be better) and second hand stuff, which works fine. I find when looking at newborn baby clothes, there isn't so much choice, but as they get older, the clothes are better so I've started stocking up for when he is 1-2 now and found some lovely colourful things.

I would say for me, the gender disappointment faded as my pregnancy progressed but didn't go completely until he was born. I honestly can't stress enough just how much I love him and how ALL gender disappointment has gone.

I had and still have the most amazing connection and bond with my daughter. That hasn't changed whatsoever. In fact, seeing her with him and how much she adores him has intensified my love even more. I didn't think I could love two as much as one, but I can and it's amazing.

Hope this helps xxx

 

[Tess08]

Thank you so much ladies this has been a big help. I am
Now hopeful that even if I don't completely feel happy about this the rest of my pregnancy that as soon as he's born I will forget all about it. I think my anxiety really stems from a fear that won't be able to live a second child as much as I love my first which is something I've worried about ever since we started trying again so I think that even if it had been a girl, something else would have set me off anyway as I have suffered with anxiety before. I just wish I could fast forward the next 23 weeks so he would be here and my anxiety would disappear x

 

[3boys]

It's completely normal to feel like that and most mothers do have concerns but honestly I've never loved a child a little less cos another came along. In fact all the birth hormones and if you bf will make you love your other girl even more.

 

[mummy2_1]

I have one of eaxh. Right up to my 20 week scan with my second I was sure it was another boy. I could see them playing together in the future. Both wearing blue being tbe best of friends. When I was told girl I was totally in shock.

I think no matter what gender your reveled to be having. If it doesn't play out being what you expected ir daydreamer it's a loss you have to grieve. The future you planned but won't get. It's completely normal to feel at a loss after the gender doesn't turn out the way you expected. It takes time to get your head around it. I wouldn't swop either if mine now. My youngest has such a character already. They're both hilarious together and love each other with a sibling strength it's amazing to watch.

 

[Tess08]

Yeh that's exactly it. It's not that I'm disappointed I am having a boy, it's that I now need to get a new picture in my head of my future and I'm struggling with it. I now need to go through all of my daughters old clothes that I thought I would get another chance to use and get rid of it all. They'll never have matching outfits or joint Christmas presents. I had hoped I would start to feel better about this by now but I'm actually getting worse. I tried to speak to my husband about it the other night and he just snapped at me. He says 'you've got a girl, now your having a boy, just be happy it's healthy n deal with it!!'. That really made me feel worse than I already felt. He thinks it's just that I have a thing against boys which is absolutely not the case! If my first had been a boy then I would have wanted another boy but he doesn't believe me when I say that. I'm really struggling and I don't know where to turn now. My husband comes with me to all of my midwife appointments and I don't want to bring it up in front of him again plus I don't want to be judged by my midwife either. I'm just so scared it's only going to get worse. I know everyone keeps saying it will be fine when he's here and I'm sure it will be but right now I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... x

 

[3boys]

Oh hun I've been there and it's awful but it won't last forever. My daughter doesn't have a sister only brothers and she is so close to a few of them. Honestly this will pass it's horrible right now I know. Can you go shopping for cute little boy stuff? This sometimes helps get me excited again.

 

[Tess08]

Oh hun I've been there and it's awful but it won't last forever. My daughter doesn't have a sister only brothers and she is so close to a few of them. Honestly this will pass it's horrible right now I know. Can you go shopping for cute little boy stuff? This sometimes helps get me excited again.

I try to go shopping for boys stuff on my lunch every day and I just find myself instantly looking at the girls stuff and then I start to get all worked up and anxious :S I've never suffered from anxiety or anything before so it's all come as a bit of a shock to me so I don't know how to deal with it. I have also just been sitting in work and a woman in my team who was also having a little boy (after an early gender scan) just came in after going for her 20 week scan and was told it's actually a girl she's having and she's like bouncing off the walls excited about it. I know this is completely irrelevant to me but I couldn't help but feel like I was going to burst into tears! I really need to just snap out of this. I can't thank you enough ladies for listening to my rants lol. It really helps to get the thoughts out of my head and kind of say them out loud x

 

[minties]

If it makes you feel any better, I have a brother and we were always best buddies as kids.

Thomas and Sophie are best friends, share a room and share all the same toys. Kids don't have our adult preconceptions about gender. I'm certainly best friends with my OH who is a man! I don't see why your kids couldn't like the same toys?! Mine both love Lego, shopkins, cars, boats in the bath, soft toy cats etc etc, there are no girl or boy toys here. All the toys are together.

 

[vermeil]

If it makes you feel any better, I have a brother and we were always best buddies as kids.

Thomas and Sophie are best friends, share a room and share all the same toys. Kids don't have our adult preconceptions about gender. I'm certainly best friends with my OH who is a man! I don't see why your kids couldn't like the same toys?! Mine both love Lego, shopkins, cars, boats in the bath, soft toy cats etc etc, there are no girl or boy toys here. All the toys are together.

This! I have one of each as well. They are best friends, share toys and clothes. They love each other, share a room, play together all the time, even cuddle up in the same bed sometimes. *hugs*

 

[k4th]

I felt exactly the same. Dd was four and a half when dd was born - I was team yellow & it was definitely a shock to me when he was born. It took me a while to get used to - I had no idea I had felt so strongly about having two girls.

My kids are so lovely together & I wouldn't change them for all the world. I love them both to the moon and back. It took time & boy clothes are still uninspiring compared to girls clothes (for me personally). I've always been pretty gender neutral with toys - but I have to admit that the boy toys other people buy are pretty cool though!

I still get p*ssed off when people tell me I'm so lucky to have one of each. Or assume we won't have any more because we have one of each. I just hate the idea that people feel the need to comment on gender at all. Having been through gender disappointment I know how hard it can be and for other people to judge something you have no control over just seems so interfering and judgemental. I try so hard never to make comments like this.

Ignore what others say - they're putting you under pressure to feel like everythings perfect. That makes it harder sometimes. But it will be perfect for you all everntually, it just takes a bit of time. (((Hugs))) to you - hope you're feeling more positive soon and bonding with your little boy

 

[Tess08]

See my daughter is extremely girlie so most of her toys/clothes are princess related! I doubt her brother will be interested in them lol.

Thanks for that K4th! And you are completely right about other people getting involved. I start to feel okay about it and then the second someone starts again with the 'oh you are so lucky to get 1 of each' or 'you must be delighted getting a boy now' my anxiety kicks back in because that's when I start to think there must be something wrong with me since everyone else expects me to be jumping for joy and I'm not, you know? So thank you again for understanding that and helping me realise I'm not the only one going through this!

I also agree on the clothes front. Even when he's here and I'm totally ok with it I still don't think I'll be able to get excited about the clothes compared to what I can buy for my daughter because in my opinion they just aren't as nice in my opinion!

Yes I will never make comments like that to others now I've gone through this. Don't get me wrong, I'm much better than I was when we found out 4 weeks ago but I still find myself getting jealous when I see people pushing little girls in their prams or something else sets me off but I'm definitely getting there. I have my 20 week scan on Friday so I'm looking forward to seeing him again and hopefully that will help me more. My DH says he doesn't want any more because we are having 1 of each but u plan on talking him round in the next few years haha x

 

[Feronia]

I felt exactly the same. I have an older daughter and really wanted her to have a little sister.

I was so wrong though! They are best friends, share clothes, play dress up, and play together all day long -- it's really wonderful.

 

[WackyMumof2]

They may not be able to share clothes but toys yes. And they could be as close as any 2 sisters or brothers.

 

[Feronia]

Why not? My two kiddos share clothes. My son wears pink, dresses, and tutus (picks them out himself) and once I dressed them in matching rainbow unicorn shirts. Their genitals don't dictate the clothes they wear.