12 week ultrasound... Not what I wanted

[LadyLovenox]

Yesterday I had my 12 week ultrasound. As soon as they put the scanner on my stomach, I knew something was wrong. Baby A looked huge, and was happily swimming around... Moving all about. Baby B looked like nothing. A lifeless blob. The ultrasound tech confirmed my fears.... Baby B didn't make it. She said it died at 7 weeks 6 days.... But this makes no sense because I had a healthy ultrasound at 10 weeks 2 days, and it was measuring right on track w a heartbeat of 144. She had no explanation for this. I no longer have twins. I sobbed. She had to leave the room, and give me time to compose myself. When she did return, and complete the rest of the ultrasound on baby A, she was so positively showing me that everything was right on track... And I couldn't even pay attention. I couldn't even care. I was/am so full of grief and sorrow. I feel selfish because I know so many people would die to have one baby, and I still have one baby.. And I should be happy. I feel guilty because baby A deserved for its mom to be so overjoyed and proud, seeing it on the screen... And I barely watched. Even though the doctor told me baby A would likely make it... I still feel no comfort in that, and feel like I could lose it too at any minute. I don't wanna get attached to this baby. I don't wanna count on it. I am so lost

 

[tallybee]

So sorry hun that must be so hard to take in, thinking of u. xx

 

[LadyLovenox]

Thanks. I'm really having a hard time.

 

[lola85]

So sorry to hear this. I don't think your selfish at all that is what we all dread at any scan and it's not selfish to be shocked and grieve for the child you've lost. I'd say what your feeling and your reaction to the rest of the scan yesterday is completely understandable most of us if not all would have been the same you can't be told something like that and then put it out of your mind for abit.
You need time to process this and let yourself grieve, and as your bump grows hopefully you will start to feel happy again and look forward to meeting baby A.
Xxx

 

[LadyLovenox]

Thanks... I'm trying so hard to just find peace with all of this. But there is no peace. No comfort. We were looking forward to sharing our news after yesterday, and now I never want to share. That makes me feel like I'm ashamed of the fact that I only have one. And im not. I'm just so so scared

 

[Eleanor ace]

I'm so sorry for your loss . Please don't feel selfish, yes of course a lot of people would love to have one baby, but you were upset because you had just found out you'd lost your baby, not because you're not happy to have your remaining LO. No one would expect you to be happy and act as if you haven't just had devastating news. I hope that your LO continues to grow strong, thinking of you

 

[TTC First]

I am so sorry to hear LadyLovenox, but I can totally relate but I am in a slightly different position.

I lost both of my twins and I am now PG again with a singleton. I feel such a great loss and it would have been wonderful to have twins. This is our first and we struggled for 2.5 years to get here. We want 2 kids so twins would have been perfect. I am not so sure I can go through all this again and if I do I would be at risk of twins again and I don't want 3 kids. I feel that I lost twins and they were only replaced with one baby, one is missing. I agree that it sounds selfish because others would be thrilled to have just one baby, but that's how we feel. We can not help how we feel, it's how we feel.

We have experienced the great pleasure of having twins and we are experiencing a loss.

I am 12 weeks now. I was really really upset when I first found I was expecting a singleton at 4 weeks. I would imagine this is the point where you are now. I can say that it has been a couple weeks since I thought about the loss so I think that after about 6 weeks, I am doing better with it.

Please don't feel bad about your feelings, it's not within your control. Just try to focus on the benefits of a singleton as much as you possibly can. There is a reason that you lost the other one and I am sure that you and the babies will be better off this way.

 

[Ajos]

Really sorry to hear this. It's our worst fear and you have every right to feel as you do (I'm sure I would too).

 

[Nyn]

So sorry hun

 

[Penguin20]

So sorry to hear this, it must be hard going through it
hope your ok

 

[mrshan]

I'm sorry for your loss. The blessing and curse of technology- fifty years ago, women were pretty much in the dark about how things were going in there until they felt a kick. Now, you know that you have one healthy baby, and one twin is gone.

Don't worry about trying to tell yourself not to be upset because other people would be thrilled to have one. While that's true, it's like trying to convince yourself that it's not a big deal if your car gets totaled because there are people out there dealing with cancer. Just because some people are worse off doesn't mean that you're not allowed to be upset, to be angry at fate, to be devastated. Acceptance will come with time.

 

[cherrished]

So sorry your going through this hun, xx

 

[KDmomof3]

SO sorry for what you are going through.

 

[babifever]

Sorry for your lost

 

[Natasha2605]

So Sorry

 

[Tink_]

You still lost a baby hun. You don't have to be so hard on yourself I'm really sorry for your loss xx

 

[Dill]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[MamaBunny2]

Even though you still have a baby remaining, a loss is a loss regardless. It's not like the other baby is a "backup baby" for the one that didn't make it. I am so sorry It's ok, normal and healthy to be upset. It takes time to grieve and heal and I can understand your worry for Baby A. Best wishes.