14 year old step daughter having "cyber sex"

[aob1013]

I agree with suprise bump and Sasha - i wasn't sexually active at 14 - i barely knew what sex was, neither is my brother who is 14 - he's more interested in his x box! You musn't generalise like that.

To the OP, i am so sorry you had to find such a shock, i'm sure most young people experiment like this .. do you feel like you can sit down and chat with her?! x

 

[kit603]

I know i've posted already but just thought i'd reiterate that having been on your daughter's side of things a few years ago... I can now say that I wholeheartedly believe that my parents did the right thing by supervising my internet usage, taking away my phone etc. Whilst I may have "hated" my parents at the time (although, I don't think it was that strong) I soon understood that it was all for the best.

 

[mumof2girls]

Hi just seen all the replies on here and wanted to thank you all for replying and give a little update.

My step daughter doesnt hate me and I did explain why I have taken her stuff, she also knows that she now has to regain not only mine but her dads trust. She understands why I flipped, we are getting on fine and shes talking to me and asking my advice etc so I know she cant hate me that much! I think she hates the fact she has no phone or internet on hand and she will get supervised time on the computer in time.

I have no need to take the computer from her room as I have removed the internet dongle so she can still play games on it just cant get internet etc. I wont take the computer out as I do have the option of removing the internet and I dont think it would be right to take away the only "priviledge" she has right now which is games on the pc. She is trying hard to regain our trust but she knows it will take time especially with her Dad.

Suprisingly she is admitting to me a lot more now like drinking alcohol with her friends (before she was grounded) this she admitted just tonight when she was straightening my hair!

I think she will be fine it will just take time, we will get there in the end. We are stricter on her than her friends parents are on them but like I have said to her, her firends can stay out all night, parents will buy them cigs and alcohol and one of them aged 15 is pregnant and shoplifts etc so I think I am doing right by her and im only doing what I know for a fact I would do with my own two biological daughters. Although im not her mum I have to play a role because she doesnt see her real mum ever and I think she needs the female influence, im not that much older than her so she knows I will be more understanding than her dad (which I always am).

Sorry to go on lol but just wanted to update. Thanks once again for replies and advice much appreciated x

 

[kit603]

I'm glad to hear that she's making progress, and it definitely sounds like you made the right choices with her. Plus, if anything, it does sound like your bond has grown a little bit if she's able to admit things like drinking.

 

[DottyLottie]

I am not really sure how to advise, but wanted to say that I too would have removed all her computer use and sim card etc.
What she is doing is potentially ilegal, especially if the boys involved are much older.

 

[mumof2girls]

well just to say I was sooooo wrong about her. Had a call from the deputy head at her school today to say that on Firiday it came to her attention that Jasmine and lad had stayed behind after pe instead of going to their next lesson and snook into the girls changing rooms where Jasmine had already asked him to take pics of her topless so he did, the result is they have both been excluded and she is currently in learning support segregated from her mates, we have a meeting with school on thursday to discuss it.... it seems my taking her internet, phone and grounding her has not worked coz shes doing it at school!!! The pics the lad took have been sent all round school so she is gonna be called all sorts and the girls especially are gonna bully her big time now! I am sooo bloody angry! Have made her docs appt to get her on the pill as her dad feels that getting pregnant will be the next shocker! I just dont know what to do this time girls, shes well and truly broken my trust, im very angry but also disappointed and heartbroken! I dont know how much more I can take from her. She is going to ending up having a bad influence on my 4 year old daughter who idolises her already! ARGHHHH!!! God knows what I should do now! Her dads equally if not more hurt/ angry and she gets home in roughly 30 mins and I dread the row!

 

[KatienSam]

blimey she is playing up! you poor things. its not right that she has been experimenting with cyber sex etc, i dont feel. she needs to find another hobby and find herself beautiful and so respect her body not flaunt it to whomever will look. what kind of girls does she hang around with? i hope you come to some conclusions soon. xx

 

[mumof2girls]

Well things got a whole lot worse last night she actually didnt come home, she ran away at school to a friends luckily the friends mum rang the school who phoned me with the address she had been missing for about 3 hours.... the worst 3 hours of our lives! The police were even out searching for her then we had the whole "im not coming home" saga etc etc in the end her dad went to house and told her in no uncertain terms she was to get home. She wanted to go live at her mums but we were informed that if we let her go and she came to any harm we were responsible in the eyes of the law. The police came to see her and gave her a telling off about running away and about the picture thing. We have a meeting with school tomorrow so hopefully we can sort something out. I have phoned social services today to ask them to assess her needs and see if theres anything they can do so they will do that when we get back from holiday in a few weeks. I agree she needs a hobby but I think she has serious issues that need addressing first. x

 

[KA92]

iv been reading this very quietly not posting...but i kinda feel the need now,,,excuse me

reading this it seems that perhaps she has issues via her parents split up? she craves attention and she gets it via sexually activities? Plus nowadays sex is pretty much in your face your constantly being told how amazing it is(seriously who ARE these so called "amazing"people?) anyhow...

she may be feeling a little bit put out because of you and your chuildren or perhaps to do with the relationship between her and her mother? Plus add in some raging teenage horomones and some peer pressure and youv got one hell of a confused young girl!

I was sexually active at 14, just a few months shy of my 15th birthday yes i was young but we were together a long time before and afterwards....

anyhow good luck and i hope it worksout well (this is just my opinion feel free to )

xx

 

[aob1013]

My god, i don't know what to suggest hun i really don't xx

 

[missd]

I too have say quietly reading the posts and would just like to add my thoughts. From your posts you seem to be the one that is issuing all the punishments and her father is not making an input, only to reprimand her and be angry?. Does he actually sit and talk with her in a reasonable manner? Do they have a good close relationship? I totally agree with KA92 but would also think it is linked to her mothers behaviour towards her as well and what type of attachment they may have had when she was younger.

If her mother beat her and never had a close attachment with her as a child, this would have a huge impact on her behaviour as it is today. If that was the only sort of attention she received from her mother maybe her view is that if she does something wrong she will get the attention (i.e. punishment from you and her father) she craves that she never got when growing up. When I say attention I do not mean she is an attention seeker, the lack of positive attention as opposed to negative attention may explain her behaviour. She may also have a low opinion of herself as well as a result and think she is not worth much after all her own mother beat her so why should she believe that anyone else would be any different.

You need to go right back to the beginning of her life to try and understand her behaviour today

I may be totally off track here and I do hope I have not caused any offence in anyway but like I said its just my thoughts.

Good luck and for her sake don't give up.

xx

 

[QuintinsMommy]

well just to say I was sooooo wrong about her. Had a call from the deputy head at her school today to say that on Firiday it came to her attention that Jasmine and lad had stayed behind after pe instead of going to their next lesson and snook into the girls changing rooms where Jasmine had already asked him to take pics of her topless so he did, the result is they have both been excluded and she is currently in learning support segregated from her mates, we have a meeting with school on thursday to discuss it.... it seems my taking her internet, phone and grounding her has not worked coz shes doing it at school!!! The pics the lad took have been sent all round school so she is gonna be called all sorts and the girls especially are gonna bully her big time now! I am sooo bloody angry! Have made her docs appt to get her on the pill as her dad feels that getting pregnant will be the next shocker! I just dont know what to do this time girls, shes well and truly broken my trust, im very angry but also disappointed and heartbroken! I dont know how much more I can take from her. She is going to ending up having a bad influence on my 4 year old daughter who idolises her already! ARGHHHH!!! God knows what I should do now! Her dads equally if not more hurt/ angry and she gets home in roughly 30 mins and I dread the row!

I dont want to sound mean in anyway, but because people are going to be making fun of her at school for doing these thing might make her take a step back and look what she is doing!

great job at thinking she needs to be on the pill, you dont want her to be having sex but you never know

good luck

 

[lkb21]

Hi,

When i was 14 i was very sexually aware and had a few sexual experiences with boys (not full sex), which i now understand was not in my best interests and was wrong. I documented this is diaries, same as any young girls would (before the age of blogs or chat rooms, or even txts!!!).

My step mother found one of my diaries and read it whilst cleaning... i still think to this day that this was a complete and utter invasion of my privacy and felt incredibly invaded. I later found out that after this instance she had found all of my other diaries an (most of them loackable) and the keys and had been reading them. It was a terrible terrible time. It makes me feel ill thinking about it! yes i was only 14, but they were my private things - everyone is entitled to privacy! some of the stuff in there wasn't even true - just teenage babble (teens will make things up). It was such a horrendous time, that i left my fathers house and went back to live with my mother (which in itself was a horrendous situation), my relationship with my father was a broken mess, and me and the step mother have never spoken since (this was 10 years ago), i am not allowed to even know where my father lives as she thinks i'm some evil devil that was walking round sleeping with everything that moved, and that i made her look bad by telling ppl she had read my diaries.

What i am trying to say to you is that the 2 issues need seperating. Yes, your step-daughter should not be doing what she is doing, and needs some talking to!!! but i think you need to think a little more about her privacy! living under a microscope as a teen when your trying to find out who you are can be really damaging! believe me i know!

i just wanted to offer a different perspective, hope you dont mind

 

[Onika]

Hi All just been reading what has been going on. Preggoeggo if there is one thing that needs to be maintained is openness, honestness and love. All of which I am sure you are giving freely. I started having sex when I was 12 it was taken not given but for the next 12 years I had sex with any one that talked to me basically because this is what I thought was required of me. Even though my parents only knew all of this through secretly reading my diary and grounding me every 5mins they never stopped talking to me and providing me with information to help me try to make decisions that would allow to have some choice in who I gave myself too and that I had full awareness of the consequences.
Sex ed class with Family planning, deportment classes to help with self esteem, and get the computer out of the bedroom if you havent already. Young people have too much privacy I know I know people that they need it but if my parents didnt read about some of the things they had I would be dead now I am sure of it this way they knew to keep and an extra special eye on me.

Good luck and just keep on loving her because from the sounds of it she is really confused right now...Onika

 

[Blah11]

I know this is an old post but i think u were a bit harsh tbh. I lost my virginity at 14 and i wasnt a bad girl or anything. I think you should have spoken to her about the dangers of getting close to someone online and that they could be anyone but she's only being a curious teen imo.

 

[hypnorm]

I know this is an old post but i think u were a bit harsh tbh. I lost my virginity at 14 and i wasnt a bad girl or anything. I think you should have spoken to her about the dangers of getting close to someone online and that they could be anyone but she's only being a curious teen imo.

and getting another lad to take topless pictures of her at school? I would call that more than just curious.

 

[TattiesMum]

well just to say I was sooooo wrong about her. Had a call from the deputy head at her school today to say that on Firiday it came to her attention that Jasmine and lad had stayed behind after pe instead of going to their next lesson and snook into the girls changing rooms where Jasmine had already asked him to take pics of her topless so he did, the result is they have both been excluded and she is currently in learning support segregated from her mates, we have a meeting with school on thursday to discuss it.... it seems my taking her internet, phone and grounding her has not worked coz shes doing it at school!!! The pics the lad took have been sent all round school so she is gonna be called all sorts and the girls especially are gonna bully her big time now! I am sooo bloody angry! Have made her docs appt to get her on the pill as her dad feels that getting pregnant will be the next shocker! I just dont know what to do this time girls, shes well and truly broken my trust, im very angry but also disappointed and heartbroken! I dont know how much more I can take from her. She is going to ending up having a bad influence on my 4 year old daughter who idolises her already! ARGHHHH!!! God knows what I should do now! Her dads equally if not more hurt/ angry and she gets home in roughly 30 mins and I dread the row!

Oh Hon

I've been through all of this with one of mine ... including the topless pictures and the school being involved and I know how hard it is and how helpless you feel right now

We tried all the supervised computer time, taking her phone away, grounding her, putting her on the pill etc - but as you now know they still have to leave the house at some point, even if it is just to go to school

We ended up with a 16 year old running away from home to live with her 17 year old boyfriend ... social services didn't want to know, the police merely said that it wasn't worth their while bringing her back as she would just run away again and a family court would just take her wishes into account and the school were constantly on my back for her truancy even though she didn't live with me

We tried everything - mediation, tough love, understanding .... she did eventually come home but was then pregnant within 6 months with 2 possible FOBs. She is now an 18 year old Mum and we have a fantastic relationship - I absolutely love her to bits but she has certainly put me through the mill over the last 4 years or so!

I don't have any advice for you really Hon - as you can see I don't have any answers, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that someone else has been through this as a parent as well

I just want to add that there is not necessarily any correlation between bad parental relationships and (for want of a better phrase) precocious sexuality - My D and I have a good relationship and, of my 3 kids, she had the best relationship with their father ... my other 2 are not promiscuous at all - I just think that every person is different and that to look for causes/something to blame is counter productive at a time when all that really matters is maintaining an emotional contact

 

[Blah11]

I know this is an old post but i think u were a bit harsh tbh. I lost my virginity at 14 and i wasnt a bad girl or anything. I think you should have spoken to her about the dangers of getting close to someone online and that they could be anyone but she's only being a curious teen imo.

and getting another lad to take topless pictures of her at school? I would call that more than just curious.

eeek yeah! I only read the original post

 

[mumof2girls]

Hi I need to say that what I didnt realise when I wrote the post about the topless picture was that this happened before I found all the cyber sex stuff and text messages (not that I knew that at the time) it had only just come to the schools attention. Of course she ran away etc but police brought her home and gave her a telling off and told her that they would always find her and how dangerous it was to run away. She is going through a really tough time at the moment as inbetween all this stuff she was assaulted on the bus by 2 boys who battered her! They left her leg and face in a right mess and apparently the bullying had been going on for some time but she didnt say because she wanted these lads to like her, needless to say the police were involved and the cheeky gits have pleaded not guilty so the trial is fixed for 21st July. We have a strong case and witnesses as well as photographic evidence of the bruising etc. She has been under a lot of pressure which I can only assume have added to this behaviour.

In reply to ikb21 I would never go and purposely find her diary and read it! I was looking at pics of MY kids on her phone (with her permission I may add) when I found the photo of the computer screen conversation it was only then I read her texts out of concern and I think I had every right to and believe me shes grateful it was me and not her dad who read them!

She is a lot more honest and open with me now and after trying therapy etc shes decided its not for her and I cant make her go but we agreed to get a social worker in as an independent person to explain the dangers of internet and sex etc. My step son has a social worker who is arranging this for her.

Its never going to be easy for her not having a mum and having a step mum but EVERYTHING I do is out of love for her and she now knows this. She is very close to my dad as her own Grandparents dont bother with her now shes a teen (which is another thing we have sussed out and sorted out) so she spends a lot of time talking to my dad when he's here and he has explained that I will never try and be her mum or take her mums place and that im merely a friend who she can turn to when she needs me. I couldnt have put it better myself and our relationship has just got better and better. I know theres more trouble ahead as with all teens particularly as she is now a year 10 and starting coursework for gcse's etc and she doesnt cope well with pressure but hopefully now she will come to me and talk instead of dealing with her problems with this behaviour. I truly believe that being provocative is a way of release for her and her way of feeling grown up. We have also given her more freedom she has her phone back now but still supervised internet access and she is on the pill and taking it every day and is going out with friends so we are getting there slowly!!

 

[kit603]

It sounds like you've made a lot of progress with your step-daughter, hope things stay better