14 year old step daughter having "cyber sex"

[Tishimouse]

Hmmmm.
Ok im only 17 and my mum did all that stuff with me (although i didnt really do anything) but it just made me hate her and fight with her more. Like me and my mum had such a good relationship when i was a child, and we do still talk all the time and hang out but its just not the same. Because she gets so angry easily and verbally abusive (name calling and all). But tbh. the way you took all your stepdaughters stuff away? thats just gonna make her hate you more. I mean you did handle the situation well- but you dont want her hating you..

Plus. almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. trust me. Lol.
and reading her texts is illegal. even if you do suspect something. She could actually sue you for doing that.
Be careful when handling that situation. xo

GOOD LUCK

Whereas I appreciate what has been written here and it's always a good thing to receive an answer to your messages, some of what has been written isn't actually correct. I am also saddened by the lol at the end of stating that almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. Not a laughing matter.

Firstly, reading your step-daughter's texts is NOT illegal as there is no such offence or any statute law written in relation to doing so (my brother is a barrister and I have just mentioned it to him ... I won't quote his reply, but he assures me you haven't broken any law and you cannot be sued). I understand why you read them and I also understand other people feeling this as an invasion of privacy. It is a mixture of both, but you have read them under special circumstances with a view to helping the girl - not vindictively, but out of love.

I am saddened to read that almost everybody in this girls world aged 14 is sexually active, particularly as I see this as cutting childhood short for these individuals and find it hard to actually call them 'children' if they have moved forward into adulthood so early. A sign of the times I guess. However, in my family, the young teenagers are not sexually active, but very open in conversation with not a blush to be seen when speaking about sex, etc. I welcome this as sex should not be a taboo subject, but I strongly believe waiting until at least the legal age for having intercourse would be better. This way a child can have more of a childhood (I'm a true traditionalist ... and of course an idealist, so I don't expect everyone to agree).

The legal age for sexual intercourse is 16, so anybody who has sexual intercourse with a minor under the age of 16 IS committing an offence. If someone is sexually active under the age of 16 with another person over the age of 16, it is the older person who will get into trouble with the law, as the child under 16 is not deemed old enough in law to give consent. It's a funny old world we live in.

That said, I wish you luck dealing with your 14 year old step-daughter. Life brings all sorts of problems that are difficult to deal with. I think I would be tempted to remove the computer from the bedroom whilst the younger girls are sharing to protect them as prevention is better than cure. However, if this little girl is already sexually active (whether cyber or not) then I doubt you will be able to stop her. It sounds like a good subject to include in her therapy to make sure she is aware of the 'bigger picture'. I have since read the remaining posts and can see that you are making progress. I really admire you and believe your posts here will help others who have similar problems and need advice.

Take care

 

[CookieDough23]

Being explicit is quite common in young girls these days. I was sexually active at 14. It's pretty much the norm these days with obvious exceptions.

I do think you have done the right thing in cutting her communication though. I was a victim of grooming, I suppose you could say at 13 I was nieve. So definately make sure she is safe. Don't be afraid to lay down the law, I promise you she will hate you for it, but in the long run, she'll realise your only doing it for her benefit!

 

[Avalnda]

I'm only 18, I shouldn't be in this section but i did feel like adding my input.

My parents were always super open with me, they're a little wild sometimes and too comfortable for me. They were never strict with me, they obviously taught me manners and how to be polite, they had a time they'd want me to come home at, but they were pretty much just like "be honest with us, and we won't have a problem. We'd rather know what you're doing and talk about it, than have you hiding it from us and sneaking around" which i appreciate because I did talk to them about most stuff, and yes as a kid i still hid things because i was embarrassed. But for the most part, i never felt that need to rebel against them. I did my share of cybering, but it was more me testing the waters and i'm glad i did THAT instead of going around testing things in real life.. I've always been a good girl because i never felt like i couldn't do anything. I don't know, i just feel like if you talk to your kids and let them feel like they can talk to you without constantly getting into trouble, than you'll take away that rebellious element, and they won't be as likely to do something stupid just out of anger toward you.

My best friend is now a drunk, she crashed into the chief of narcotics while she was drunk when she was 17, she's always rollin on E or sleeping with some other guy. and her mom was SO strict with her, she finally got to the point where she had no respect for her mother and she'd just walk out with her middle finger held high.

another friend stole 2 cars, went to juvy, broke out, got pregnant, and is now on house arrest with her parents, expecting a baby soon. she was also raised by extremely strict parents, and siblings that were always telling her what to do.

i don't know, i mean i know it's not always the case, but the only friends i have left are the ones whose parents weren't strict, because we're all working and graduated, we have futures and are happy sober, watching movies, having dinner with our parents..

one more note, my mother was extremely over protected, she was adopted, an only child, so i see where my grandparents were coming from, but my mom did drugs in high school, got pregnant at 17, left home at 18, she's still wild, sometimes i feel like i have to kind of instill calm nature she's lacking since she's always been so rebellious. oh mother, she's such a rebel. i love her though

just my experiences, all people are different. I hope things get better soon. Just remember that communication is one of the most important things.

 

[Avalnda]

Also, just wanted to add that I too am disturbed by the young age of which kids are getting into sex.. It makes me extremely sad to see kids as young as 13 carrying a baby around, that's not the way a teen should spend their middle school and high school years. it's hard enough being a teen without adding in sex and a child.

My gyno told me that she has 7 14 yr old patients that are currently pregnant... 7!! My high school had 300 kids. I don't live in a big city... very few doctors around, so when i heard this, i was so upset. I know I'm young, but my OH and I are waiting, we have lots we want to do before having children, I'm blessed i get to accomplish so many things with the man i love, instead of struggling to raise a baby at 14..

 

[emilyjade]

wow! i think your doing a great job with her, yeah alot of this has been a huge shock for you and her dad but just want to congratulate you on how well your doing! your not much older than her so maybe do girlie nights in your bedroom or a different room in the house with face masks and little things like that so you both can have time together and become even closer than you are. IM so sorry she has been attacked and i hope the court case goes as well as can be and you all get some sort of justice. Also to add to this yeah it is quite common for 14 year olds to get sexually active around my area too! x

 

[jaytee.]

From a teens point of view I think you're handling the situation really well! However this must have been so embarassing for her, I know a lot of people that were texting and talking over msn like that and it seems to be quite normal.. although I do not condone it at all because it gives people the wrong impression, at least it's not doing any harm to her health or wellbeing like a real sexual relationship. As for the lying, and the other problems, my stepsister is the same and I do feel it takes some good punishment for them to learn and change!

 

[jaytee.]

Hmmmm.
Ok im only 17 and my mum did all that stuff with me (although i didnt really do anything) but it just made me hate her and fight with her more. Like me and my mum had such a good relationship when i was a child, and we do still talk all the time and hang out but its just not the same. Because she gets so angry easily and verbally abusive (name calling and all). But tbh. the way you took all your stepdaughters stuff away? thats just gonna make her hate you more. I mean you did handle the situation well- but you dont want her hating you..

Plus. almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. trust me. Lol.
and reading her texts is illegal. even if you do suspect something. She could actually sue you for doing that.
Be careful when handling that situation. xo

GOOD LUCK

Whereas I appreciate what has been written here and it's always a good thing to receive an answer to your messages, some of what has been written isn't actually correct. I am also saddened by the lol at the end of stating that almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. Not a laughing matter.

Firstly, reading your step-daughter's texts is NOT illegal as there is no such offence or any statute law written in relation to doing so (my brother is a barrister and I have just mentioned it to him ... I won't quote his reply, but he assures me you haven't broken any law and you cannot be sued). I understand why you read them and I also understand other people feeling this as an invasion of privacy. It is a mixture of both, but you have read them under special circumstances with a view to helping the girl - not vindictively, but out of love.

I am saddened to read that almost everybody in this girls world aged 14 is sexually active, particularly as I see this as cutting childhood short for these individuals and find it hard to actually call them 'children' if they have moved forward into adulthood so early. A sign of the times I guess. However, in my family, the young teenagers are not sexually active, but very open in conversation with not a blush to be seen when speaking about sex, etc. I welcome this as sex should not be a taboo subject, but I strongly believe waiting until at least the legal age for having intercourse would be better. This way a child can have more of a childhood (I'm a true traditionalist ... and of course an idealist, so I don't expect everyone to agree).

The legal age for sexual intercourse is 16, so anybody who has sexual intercourse with a minor under the age of 16 IS committing an offence. If someone is sexually active under the age of 16 with another person over the age of 16, it is the older person who will get into trouble with the law, as the child under 16 is not deemed old enough in law to give consent. It's a funny old world we live in.

That said, I wish you luck dealing with your 14 year old step-daughter. Life brings all sorts of problems that are difficult to deal with. I think I would be tempted to remove the computer from the bedroom whilst the younger girls are sharing to protect them as prevention is better than cure. However, if this little girl is already sexually active (whether cyber or not) then I doubt you will be able to stop her. It sounds like a good subject to include in her therapy to make sure she is aware of the 'bigger picture'. I have since read the remaining posts and can see that you are making progress. I really admire you and believe your posts here will help others who have similar problems and need advice.

Take care

I totally agree with everything you have said here. And don't worry, where I live only a tiny minority of teens are sexually active at 14. Talking about sex with your parents more openly actually prevents you from having underage sex, in my opinion. It did with me, and all the people I know who waited had good relationships with their mothers especially and talked about it.

 

[jaytee.]

Sorry for the 3 messages but I keep forgetting, could I also add that imo people are saddened and moan about the fact that children are getting sexually active at a younger age, but really the parents do have a huge part to play in controlling that and encouraging different, and children don't bring themselves up!

 

[samface182]

IMO, a girl at 14 is just discovering sex and so will the boys that she is having this 'cyber sex' with. i know it's tough, but your daughter is just growing up and is curious about sex. taking her sim card off her etc, wont help matters imo. your almost making out that sex is wrong, which isn't the case. of course you want her to wait til she is older and finds the right person to have sex with IRL. but talking about it with people or having 'cyber sex' is just curiosity. unless you have reason to believe it has went further.

tbh, i remember doing things like this when i was younger, it was harmless, i was simply curious about sex

 

[Abigailly]

Hmmmm.
Ok im only 17 and my mum did all that stuff with me (although i didnt really do anything) but it just made me hate her and fight with her more. Like me and my mum had such a good relationship when i was a child, and we do still talk all the time and hang out but its just not the same. Because she gets so angry easily and verbally abusive (name calling and all). But tbh. the way you took all your stepdaughters stuff away? thats just gonna make her hate you more. I mean you did handle the situation well- but you dont want her hating you..

Plus. almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. trust me. Lol.
and reading her texts is illegal. even if you do suspect something. She could actually sue you for doing that.
Be careful when handling that situation. xo

GOOD LUCK

She's 14 year old?! Its not her job to be her friend, first and foremost her job is to protect her! I'm not having a go at you, its the general 'I want to be your friend' attitude that bugs me.
I wasn't sexually active at 14 (I'm only 20 now!!), nor was my sister, nor are any of the girls I look after now!! And yes I know these things, I live in a tiny community, gossip spreads.

From what I've read you've handled it perfectly. Something like that needs to be stopped! Especially as you're her step mum, you'll always have a 'difficult' relationship with her.

 

[Abigailly]

IMO, a girl at 14 is just discovering sex and so will the boys that she is having this 'cyber sex' with. i know it's tough, but your daughter is just growing up and is curious about sex. taking her sim card off her etc, wont help matters imo. your almost making out that sex is wrong, which isn't the case. of course you want her to wait til she is older and finds the right person to have sex with IRL. but talking about it with people or having 'cyber sex' is just curiosity. unless you have reason to believe it has went further.

tbh, i remember doing things like this when i was younger, it was harmless, i was simply curious about sex

It is at 14!! And if its on her mobile then it is personal, it will mean its either local guys which could mean its more, or it could mean she is handing out her number on line -which is just dangerous!!

 

[mumof2girls]

Hi just a quick update again! Court didnt go well about the assault as her strongest witness didnt turn up in the end she decided not to go through with it which the prosecutor agreed with as it was a weak case anyway.

Started to give her a little back as it has been a few months now and I put her on my laptop in the living room in front of me and oh.... well oh asked her to do something for him and she left the laptop on the arm of sofa and a message of her bf flashed up so I went 2 tell him she would be back in a minute and he was asking if she was still ok with doing a picture for him!!! Has the girl learnt nothing???? So we had another row..... oh took her phone and checked it and she has been sneaking out of lessons to meet him at school and has arranged to have sex with him!!! Oh went mad as any dad would and she clammed up and refused to talk so sent her to bed and knew oh was out the next morning so I had a chat with her then.... she opened up to me and said she wants to do it coz everyone else is I then told her that although I understand what shes sayin shes still 14 and its still illegal and told her to come to me anytime with problems. She didnt go to school that day as it was last day and need 2 keep her away from this boy until I find out why the teachers are letting her out of class!!! She really did open up to me and im so happy.... im gutted for her that she now has no phone and internet again for abusing her dads trust! Looks like im gonna have my hands full with this one eh. Thanks for all your replies xxx

 

[Mrs_B]

If this boy is of school age you need to talk to his parents and let them know what he is trying to talk your daughter into doing.
Well done so far, I started having sex from an early age, and had much much older boyfriends behind my parents back. It really did me no good, and got me into some VERY dangerous situations! I wish I had had someone stopping me from getting into trouble in retrospect! If you need someone to talk to her about where her behaviour is leading, from experience, send me a private message as it's all a bit TMI for here...

 

[cabaretmum2b]

Dear me. First port of call: talk to the teachers, and find out WHY they are letting her out of lessons?!?
You're doing very well by talking to her about it and not just flipping out 24/7 - it will be difficult, as I think anyone who has been a 14 year old girl will tell you, but you really are doing well, and if you can keep it up then she will thank you later!

 

[newmommy23]

You're doing the right thing. I'd reccomend a nanny program. and she's lucky you aren't me cuz I would have taken the entire computer. and it's absolutely not illegal to read your minor stepchild's text messages. I can't even imagine having a cellphone at 14, but I wasn't lucky like that! I'm sure she's not paying the bills so that is your property.

 

[newmommy23]

why are they letting her out of lessons? that's horribly and wildly inappropriate! I wasn't even thinking about sex when I was 14, but 14 year olds today...seems to be more popular? I'm not sure I think it's a peer pressure thing which is very sad. keep trying to be there for her, and keep a very close eye on her. not to sound like a nazi or something, but maybe she needs to have things taken away from her for longer? I know it sounds harsh but you're doing the right things, just seems like only for short terms. Doesn't seem like she's learning a lot, sadly. Although maybe she's doing it more since you are saying not to? Ugh I don't know. what a hard situation. Makes me so scared for my daughter to get here.

 

[samface182]

IMO, a girl at 14 is just discovering sex and so will the boys that she is having this 'cyber sex' with. i know it's tough, but your daughter is just growing up and is curious about sex. taking her sim card off her etc, wont help matters imo. your almost making out that sex is wrong, which isn't the case. of course you want her to wait til she is older and finds the right person to have sex with IRL. but talking about it with people or having 'cyber sex' is just curiosity. unless you have reason to believe it has went further.

tbh, i remember doing things like this when i was younger, it was harmless, i was simply curious about sex

It is at 14!! And if its on her mobile then it is personal, it will mean its either local guys which could mean its more, or it could mean she is handing out her number on line -which is just dangerous!!

all im saying, is i remember how curious about sex i was at 14

 

[BabyNameLover]

Hi really dont know what to make of all this but last night I borrowed my step daughters phone to transfer some pics that she had taken of my 2 girls. I came across one that was a shot of her comouter screen on msn.... I looked on zoom and she has been having cyber sex with a number of lads. The stuff she and these lads have been saying is very explicit and far from the "norm" you may expect from some 14 year olds. I have told her off in the past as she has a new boyfriend every other week and said it did not leave a good impression of herself . After reading the chat conversations on the photo I had no choice but to go through her texts and there were more..... now she wouldnt have had chance 2 delete coz I went in her room and asked to borrow phone she couldnt have said no coz then id have known she was hiding something. Anyway I told her I was banning her from computer and I have changed all her passwords and security questions on facebook and msn and emails etc and have confiscated her sim card and given her one and said only we are allowed the number etc. I hate taking all this away from her but what choice do I have? I spoke to her Dad who didnt want to know what she had been writing as you can imagine he was livid and gave her a right telling off but the thing is she doesnt see why its wrong and isnt even bothered!!!

We have had a lot of problems with her in the past lying, stealing etc. She has no contact with bio mum and we currently go to family therapy due to her problems which I thought was working.... our relationship was back on track and I had started to trust her a lot more and give her more freedom..... thing is could it have stopped at internet chats and texts or could she have gone further? I have asked her but she says no but how can I believe her.... advice please im worried about her and im only 21 myself and never did anything like that. Ti be fair I have punished her exactly how I would punish my own 2 girls if they ever did anything like that and her Dad fully backs up my decision to remove priviledges.

I think in my opinion this is harsh and in years to come she will hate you for what you did. Trust me on this. You could have talked to her first without going ahead on doing these actions. She will remember this at some point and ask herself why it wasn't handled differently.

Laura

 

[KrisKitten]

Quite frankly i think all of this 'you're going to make her hate you' stuff is complete and utter rubbish.
Im only 18 so im not talking as someone who doesnt know how a 14 year old thinks, especially considering i lost my virginity at 14. But imo you have done everything right, stuff like that can't be condoned. Shes should be taught to respect herself and her body and appreciate that sex and sexual activities are meant to be special.
I dont really think telling her off for it is saying that sex is bad? Its saying that allowing herself to be used that way at her age isnt meant to be right. If she thinks its ok to do then she won't think twice about offering herself up, there should be some reservations at least. And she should know that it isnt approved of.
Parents are there to teach kids the principles of right from wrong, if they do well then the kids will learn what the grey areas are themselves.
If she grows up to hate you for taking away her facebook then im willing to bet there are a few more serious problems there
xxx

 

[mumof2girls]

I havent and would never tell her off for wanting sex because of course she does all her mates are doing it but what I am telling her that its not right for her while shes still 14! I truly believe that if I do flip out on her about sex then it will make her have some sort of idea that its dirty and wrong and its not its completely normal all her feelings are normal.... if a little premature so I havent flipped out I have talked to her.

To the posters who say she will hate me then I disagree and I am going to wait for the day she has a daughter and has to tackle these issues because then she will know how hard it was and she wont hate me..... she doesnt hate me now we now have an open honest relationship like a step mum and daughter should have but please dont expect me to let her get on with it because if I did that then I will have failed at my job to protect her. I found out and I know all about it therefore I cannot turn a blind eye. I also think if I let her carry on like this then she will think I dont love her or care about her and thats the last thing I want.

I think being a step mum is harder than being a mum but I think im doing ok...... im never gonna be perfect as I havent been through this with even my own girls yet so of course im gonna get things wrong but if we're honest what parent always gets it right???