14 year old step daughter having "cyber sex"

[BabyNameLover]

I havent and would never tell her off for wanting sex because of course she does all her mates are doing it but what I am telling her that its not right for her while shes still 14! I truly believe that if I do flip out on her about sex then it will make her have some sort of idea that its dirty and wrong and its not its completely normal all her feelings are normal.... if a little premature so I havent flipped out I have talked to her.

To the posters who say she will hate me then I disagree and I am going to wait for the day she has a daughter and has to tackle these issues because then she will know how hard it was and she wont hate me..... she doesnt hate me now we now have an open honest relationship like a step mum and daughter should have but please dont expect me to let her get on with it because if I did that then I will have failed at my job to protect her. I found out and I know all about it therefore I cannot turn a blind eye. I also think if I let her carry on like this then she will think I dont love her or care about her and thats the last thing I want.

I think being a step mum is harder than being a mum but I think im doing ok...... im never gonna be perfect as I havent been through this with even my own girls yet so of course im gonna get things wrong but if we're honest what parent always gets it right???

I agree I was a bit harsh over saying she will hate you. Fourteen, when your in high school, you are going to be exposed to sex etc. If her friends are doing it, then maybe she wants to fit in. At fourteen she shouldn't be having sex or even cyber sex. I would have done a six month ban not change all her passwords. This is extreme in my opinion, because I think she could just go and make another account using another e-mail. Many people have many different e-mails accounts.

A stepmum is harder because you don't want to replace the mum but you want to be a good influence. Have you spoken to her mum about it? I'm thinking back to my childhood and if her father, has little to do with her, she's probably doing cyber sex as a way of releasing.

 

[KrisKitten]

I havent and would never tell her off for wanting sex because of course she does all her mates are doing it but what I am telling her that its not right for her while shes still 14! I truly believe that if I do flip out on her about sex then it will make her have some sort of idea that its dirty and wrong and its not its completely normal all her feelings are normal.... if a little premature so I havent flipped out I have talked to her.

To the posters who say she will hate me then I disagree and I am going to wait for the day she has a daughter and has to tackle these issues because then she will know how hard it was and she wont hate me..... she doesnt hate me now we now have an open honest relationship like a step mum and daughter should have but please dont expect me to let her get on with it because if I did that then I will have failed at my job to protect her. I found out and I know all about it therefore I cannot turn a blind eye. I also think if I let her carry on like this then she will think I dont love her or care about her and thats the last thing I want.

I think being a step mum is harder than being a mum but I think im doing ok...... im never gonna be perfect as I havent been through this with even my own girls yet so of course im gonna get things wrong but if we're honest what parent always gets it right???

Speaking as someone with a stepmum whom i adore I think you're doing a great job xxx

 

[mumof2girls]

If I hadnt have changed the passwords she could easily log on at school or a friends house! She couldnt make another account without me knowing as somebody on facebook would notice.
I cant speak to her mum she has no contact with her mum and hasnt done since 2002! Her mum is not allowed anywhere near her by court order. If she had a mum who was involved in her life then I wouldnt feel the need to step in but as she has no female guidance as such I feel like its my job in a way.... that may seem wrong but the girl needs some feminine influence x

Thank you KrisKitten thats made my day.... sometimes its nice to hear your doing ok because sometimes I cant help but feel a failure x

 

[KrisKitten]

Its tough being a stepmum i know, me and mine have had many conversations about trying to avoid the 'wicked stepmum' role. All you can do is try your best, and if you do that, try and take into account her feelings and try and steer her the best way then you're doing a good job

Don't doubt yourself hun, even if she gets mad sometimes now one day she'll grow up and she'll be able to see you only ever try your best for her xxxx

 

[KandyKinz]

I'm sorry your having such a hard time with your step daughter... You must be finding everyday life very stressful.

I unfortunately don't have too much in terms of advice as to how to fix it but I do have some comments based on my own personally experiences.. When I was a 14 year old girl, I was very much "into" sex. I loved reading erotica, I had blast cybersexing and that was also the year I lost my virginity. Frankly, sex can be a whole lotta fun and I think it's nearly impossible to teach a curious teenager otherwise! With that said, I think it's definitly important to teach your step daughter some thorough sex ed. There is alot of misconceptions out there and some of them could potentially land her pregnant or worse she could become infected with a dangerous STI.

I'd also like to comment on punishments and parental control. I had a very overprotective mother. My curfew was way earlier then all of my friends, I wasn't allowed to walk anywhere alone, I wasn't allowed at any friends house without her first meeting her parents and one of the worst things that I hated was she was always spying on me.... She'd hack into my e-mail accounts and read my IM's. I'd get caught cybersexing and she'd take away my computer privileges for months and months. It really made me grow resentful. I absolutely HATED how I had no freedom of expression, no privacy... It drove me absolutely crazy to the point where I purposely became pregnant at 16 so I'd have an excuse to leave home. So while yes it is important to teach teenagers rights and wrongs it's also important that you still allow them to live their lives......

 

[Kandie37]

My 13 year old niece got in trouble last school year for sexting and my stepdaughter told me a few months ago that the same neice has already lost her virginity! Kids these days are trying to grow up way to fast. My 17 year old is already wanting a baby. Why can't they just be kids!

 

[Stepbrother]

She is online doing very dirty shows on webcam for much older men she meets in chat rooms. 20-30yo men and different each week. I told my dad what she was doing and the Internet is disabled until we figure something else out.

No matter what you've read saying it's normal, it is totally unsafe, msn etc can be recorded and videos and pics can be uploaded onto the Internet which would be highly sought after.

I want every parent to know not to let your daughter trust them not to record it. It's so easy to set up to record and 8/10 times they will be recording. Webcams are so evil. It's turned her into a sl?t before she's even had a bf.

 

[aob1013]

huh?

 

[special_kala]

i dont think them recording it would be the issue, surely them doing it at all is?

 

[hopeandpray]

Tbh I don't think that you could blame webcams! She must have some fairly serious self esteem issues that need to be worked on it that is the way that she feels she can get positive attention

 

[KrisKitten]

She is online doing very dirty shows on webcam for much older men she meets in chat rooms. 20-30yo men and different each week. I told my dad what she was doing and the Internet is disabled until we figure something else out.

No matter what you've read saying it's normal, it is totally unsafe, msn etc can be recorded and videos and pics can be uploaded onto the Internet which would be highly sought after.

I want every parent to know not to let your daughter trust them not to record it. It's so easy to set up to record and 8/10 times they will be recording. Webcams are so evil. It's turned her into a sl?t before she's even had a bf.

Sorry but who are you? You are her stepbrother, so OP's son? But OP just has 2 little girls? Or are you her brother? In which case why is your username StepBrother?
Sorry, i don't mean to be rude but I'm seriously confused, this is an old thread and you haven't introduced yourself....

 

[AppleBlossom]

^^ I assume it was someone who Googled and thought they would just post a "new thread" on this thread iykwim?

 

[KrisKitten]

I thought that at first but he's talking like it's about the same person? I just don't get it lol maybe i'm just being slow..

 

[annawrigley]

I think the title to his post was his introduction,and its not about the same girl as in the OP x

 

[KrisKitten]

Aaaaaaaah!

 

[annawrigley]

Super sleuth thread stalker over here

 

[KrisKitten]

 

[jellytot3]

Sorry I cannot give advice, didnt want to read and run.
Hope everything gets sorted xx

 

[DerbyGirl]

Hey there,

I have just read through this thread and I just wanted to add my tuppence worth... (sorry I know this is old but if the OP still reads, maybe it could help) I have been heavily involved in my niece's life (now 18) and she went through and is still going through some similar things.

It sounds like, for whatever reason, this poor girl is so desperate for approval from these lads that she will essentially do whatever they ask to keep them happy. It screams low self esteem and lack of confidence in saying "no". Have you ever looked into who initiated these incidents? My money would be on the lads personally but it isn't unusual for girls to seek approval/comfort from the opposite sex if they feel bad about themselves... I see you are working with the school so I hope that maybe through that she has perhaps received some kind of counselling. It may be helpful. Good luck! xxxx

 

[Ribbleroo]

You might consider installing an Internet filter on your computer. K9 Web Protection is free and works really well IMO.

You can enforce google safe search and block social networking sites if you wish.

However, I believe it is not just what they can get to but how long they are online. Online and bored = trouble. We have found that restricting the amount of time they spend online is as important as a filter. For that I would recommend Computer Time. It's not free but it works well.

Hope that helps someone