14 years and pregnant... Help!

[capricornteen]

Do not worry about what everyone will think. You need to tell your parents. Acknowledge the fact that you were raped first. You need to tell them because you could be at risk for STDs... Which can harm you and your baby, obviously.

 

[AshlaTano]

I'm having some problems...

First: I still haven't told my parents. Stupid, I know... But I'm too scared!

Second: I've noticed my stomach started growing. I don't think anyone else has noticed, because no one has said something about it. I hope I can keep it a secret...

Third: School. I have 6 weeks of school left, then I'll have 2 months vacation. But my grades are really, really bad, because I can't concentrate at all...

Fourth: I don't even know if I want to tell my parents... Maybe I just want to deliver my baby on my own...

I really don't know what I want... I'm definitely going to fail this class, but I also don't know what I want with my pregnancy...
And I have one qoestion: if you want to know the gender of your baby (or babies), when can you do that? (How manny months pregnant you have to be) And do you need your parents' approval for that?

 

[happycupcake]

You can find out the gender of baby around 20 weeks here in the U.K.
With my first child I didn't start to show until five months, but I only had a small bump and could wear my usual clothes, then at six months this all changed and this noticeable bump appeared!

Your parents will find out at some point because you can't hide it forever and you won't be able to put it down to putting on weight, since most of the time you don't develop a rounded bump from this.

I think in part your concentration is lacking because you haven't told them. You are feeling the pressure from this and constantly worrying about it. If your focus is on this, then it won't be on learning. Could you at least tell a teacher you like and trust? They may be able to help you in your classes. They could also be with you to tell your parents to act as a mediator, should any arguments erupt. Which hopefully they won't! But I know how parents can be as I was also in your shoes many years ago. It's the shock. I don't think, from a parent's perspective, you prepare yourself for this so much. You kind of assume this won't happen, which is silly because of course your children grow up and start their own lives, and sometimes this happens a little earlier than we expect. It isn't an awful thing, it's simply a surprising thing, and sometimes even the nicest and best parents in the world don't know how to respond because we aren't perfect and we sometimes don't remember what it's like being your age. Silly maybe, but it's how it is for many. They will be ok, it will probably take time to sink in as it has for you. But you could do with some support. Especially regarding labour and birth, you WILL need someone by your side. Be it your mother, a sibling or a best friend, it doesn't matter who as long as you trust them and they support you. I couldn't have coped half as good with labour and birth on my own. Truth is, especially the first time, it is scary! I won't lie or sugar coat it for you because there's little point. It's the first time you will go through this and the first time for many experiences is scary, naturally, because you don't know what to expect and it doesn't matter how much reality TV or reading about it you do.
Please tell someone. Get someone to help you tell your family too

 

[wookie130]

You kind of assume this won't happen, which is silly because of course your children grow up and start their own lives, and sometimes this happens a little earlier than we expect. It isn't an awful thing, it's simply a surprising thing, and sometimes even the nicest and best parents in the world don't know how to respond because we aren't perfect and we sometimes don't remember what it's like being your age. Silly maybe, but it's how it is for many. They will be ok, it will probably take time to sink in as it has for you. But you could do with some support. Especially regarding labour and birth, you WILL need someone by your side. Be it your mother, a sibling or a best friend, it doesn't matter who as long as you trust them and they support you. I couldn't have coped half as good with labour and birth on my own. Truth is, especially the first time, it is scary! I won't lie or sugar coat it for you because there's little point. It's the first time you will go through this and the first time for many experiences is scary, naturally, because you don't know what to expect and it doesn't matter how much reality TV or reading about it you do.
Please tell someone. Get someone to help you tell your family too

I disagree with some of these comments, Happycupcake. She made it clear earlier that she was raped by this boy- this is not an example of her making a deliberate choice, and that her pregnancy is the result of a teenage romance or whatever. But you are absolutely right...she needs to talk to someone, and be seen medically.

To the original poster...you MUST tell your parents. Your grades matter less right now, than telling them what happened to you, and that you're pregnant. You have to make them understand that this boy violated you, and that you've been afraid to tell the truth. Please, please, please do not try to do this on your own - I literally beg of you... Going through your pregnancy without any prenatal care, or without any assistance medically is dangerous for you, and for your unborn child. Your parents will not stop loving you...they will be shocked, yes. The longer you wait, the more complicated this is going to become. Please tell a counselor at school, or someone who can help you break the news, and PLEASE talk to someone about the rape if you can... You do not have to do this alone, or should you! Do not attempt to have this baby on your own. It could very well put your life, and that baby's life in grave danger. You must do something as soon as possible.

We're all here to listen, and to support you. You have done nothing wrong, and school is the least of your worries right now. This isn't going to be easy, but avoiding the issue and hiding it WILL make things 1,000 worse for you and your family in the long run.

Please, do the right thing here, honey. The first step is to break the news to them.

 

[happycupcake]

You kind of assume this won't happen, which is silly because of course your children grow up and start their own lives, and sometimes this happens a little earlier than we expect. It isn't an awful thing, it's simply a surprising thing, and sometimes even the nicest and best parents in the world don't know how to respond because we aren't perfect and we sometimes don't remember what it's like being your age. Silly maybe, but it's how it is for many. They will be ok, it will probably take time to sink in as it has for you. But you could do with some support. Especially regarding labour and birth, you WILL need someone by your side. Be it your mother, a sibling or a best friend, it doesn't matter who as long as you trust them and they support you. I couldn't have coped half as good with labour and birth on my own. Truth is, especially the first time, it is scary! I won't lie or sugar coat it for you because there's little point. It's the first time you will go through this and the first time for many experiences is scary, naturally, because you don't know what to expect and it doesn't matter how much reality TV or reading about it you do.
Please tell someone. Get someone to help you tell your family too

I disagree with some of these comments, Happycupcake. She made it clear earlier that she was raped by this boy- this is not an example of her making a deliberate choice, and that her pregnancy is the result of a teenage romance or whatever. But you are absolutely right...she needs to talk to someone, and be seen medically.

To the original poster...you MUST tell your parents. Your grades matter less right now, than telling them what happened to you, and that you're pregnant. You have to make them understand that this boy violated you, and that you've been afraid to tell the truth. Please, please, please do not try to do this on your own - I literally beg of you... Going through your pregnancy without any prenatal care, or without any assistance medically is dangerous for you, and for your unborn child. Your parents will not stop loving you...they will be shocked, yes. The longer you wait, the more complicated this is going to become. Please tell a counselor at school, or someone who can help you break the news, and PLEASE talk to someone about the rape if you can... You do not have to do this alone, or should you! Do not attempt to have this baby on your own. It could very well put your life, and that baby's life in grave danger. You must do something as soon as possible.

We're all here to listen, and to support you. You have done nothing wrong, and school is the least of your worries right now. This isn't going to be easy, but avoiding the issue and hiding it WILL make things 1,000 worse for you and your family in the long run.

Please, do the right thing here, honey. The first step is to break the news to them.

I think what I wrote came across a little differently to how I meant it in my mind. I didn't mean she made a choice, I was simply trying to explain that as parents, we probably don't expect our teenage children to be having children themselves, and that in itself obviously comes to a surprise for most parents I would imagine. I know OP was raped, I wasn't in any way trying to discount this fact or imply this pregnancy is as a result of teenage romance. Sorry you took it that way, it certainly wasn't intended to sound like that.

I was trying to explain that whilst it will inevitably come as a shock to her parents, and of course the circumstances will too, she should still tell them as they will move past the shock and hopefully be able to help her through everything. Pregnancy, birth and beyond and of course with the impact rape will have/has had. Does this make sense? I'm quite rubbish at saying what I mean and it sounding the same

 

[wookie130]

It makes perfect sense, Happycupcake!

I agree. I think the best thing the OP can do, is first tell her parents.

To the OP: Please, please muster up the courage to do the right thing, and tell your parents. You know what is more scary than telling them? Unassisted childbirth (on your own, without any medical team or professionals present) is FAR more scary than how your parents will react. You do not want to do this alone. You need support, and you need to be seen by a doctor or midwife as soon as possible. They must understand that you did not choose this...this was forced on you, and there is nothing about this that is your fault. Good luck. Please do the right thing...for you, and for your baby.

 

[happycupcake]

Oh good! I'm glad, I'm so rubbish at explaining myself how I mean at times. And what makes it all the more rubbish is I can be so blunt which comes across cold and/or rude.

I agree with you, OP has to tell someone. Her parents should know. Support is vital, even more so in your case, OP. You have a double whammy to deal with, rape is horrendous and pregnancy as a result, well I hold my hands up to you because thus far you have coped amazingly even if at times you haven't felt you have been coping. But telling someone is important and you WILL need support during labour and birth too. I had my partner with me when I had my first, and my mum popped in on us, I was 18 and terrified! And I had support. Even under the most ideal of circumstances pregnancy, labour and birth are frightening! I'm assuming you aren't getting any medical attention from a midwife? If this is the case, you are also missing vital care for both you and the baby. If anything starts to go wrong, you won't know. If you are receiving medical care, they can intervene and help with any potential problems. I developed preeclampsia during my pregnancy with my first child. The signs are subtle and had I missed my appointment that day I wouldn't have known and it's a potentially fatal condition to both mother and baby.
Pregnancy isn't always straight forward and the same is true of labour and birth too. Please take heed of the posts here, get some support and tell your parents, or have someone help you tell them

 

[Tropiclands]

Adoption is an option. You need to really start pulling people in though. It looks like you are a few months in now. Have you been receiving care yet?

 

[hellohefalump]

OP If I was your mother, id want you to tell me what happened (rape) and that you are now pregnant. I would be shocked, yes... angry although not at you, id be angry you were raped. You NEED to tell your parents or at least a teacher at school who could help you tell. You can't give birth on your own. Giving birth for the first time is very very scary. You need someone with you when it happens and you need to decide what happens with the baby. Who will look after the baby?

If I was your mother after the initial shock, I would want to look after you and your baby.

 

[AshlaTano]

I have finally gotten the courage to go to my doctor and tell her about my pregnancy.

I think I'm very lucky to have her as my doctor. She was very caring and understanding, and she didn't push me to tell my parents. I know that I have to tell them, though. But my doctor has said that she'll always be there for me when I need her. Now I go to her once or twice a week to check up on my babies.

Yes, I know what I'm having. I'm having twins: two girls. And I have very mixed emotions about it...

My doctor has said that twins are usually born too early, and I've also calculated my due date. It's September 24th. I kinda hope that the babies will be born during my summer holiday, before the next school year starts... I've noticed my stomach getting bigger, but luckily no one else has noticed yet. There are some clothes I can't wear anymore, though, because my stomach is too big...

 

[happycupcake]

Well done for having the courage to go to your doctor, that took a LOT for you to do and you should be incredibly proud of yourself right now

 

[wookie130]

I am also so glad to read that you've seen your doctor, and have received some medical attention. Being that you're so young, and having twins, you will need to be monitored closely...I would begin reading up on having a c-section birth also, as that is often the safest option for delivering twins.

I'm glad you're coming to terms with the need to tell your parents. You need lots of love and support right now...I'm sure it will feel good to open up to them and let this off your chest, no matter their initial reaction.

September isn't too far off, dear. Do you have any ideas as to what you're planning to do once the girls arrive? Are you wanting to keep and parent them with help, or have you any thoughts on adoption?

If you're wanting to keep the babies, do you have any baby supplies or equipment? Babies don't need a lot of fancy stuff...clothes, diapers of some sort, a safe place to sleep, and YOU. You will also need a carseat or stroller/pram travel system/baby carrier depending on how you get around. Just some things for you to think about...as if you didn't have enough, right?

We're here. Please continue to keep us updated.

 

[hellohefalump]

Big well done to you for letting the doctor know. And congratulations for your twins xx

 

[happycupcake]

I am also so glad to read that you've seen your doctor, and have received some medical attention. Being that you're so young, and having twins, you will need to be monitored closely...I would begin reading up on having a c-section birth also, as that is often the safest option for delivering twins.

I'm glad you're coming to terms with the need to tell your parents. You need lots of love and support right now...I'm sure it will feel good to open up to them and let this off your chest, no matter their initial reaction.

September isn't too far off, dear. Do you have any ideas as to what you're planning to do once the girls arrive? Are you wanting to keep and parent them with help, or have you any thoughts on adoption?

If you're wanting to keep the babies, do you have any baby supplies or equipment? Babies don't need a lot of fancy stuff...clothes, diapers of some sort, a safe place to sleep, and YOU. You will also need a carseat or stroller/pram travel system/baby carrier depending on how you get around. Just some things for you to think about...as if you didn't have enough, right?

We're here. Please continue to keep us updated.

100%. I think OP is pretty amazing. I wasn't anywhere close to as brave when I was in a similar situation at her age.
OP I hold my hands up to you. You took such a huge step and the outcome was so positive, your doctor is clearly a good woman in full support of you which is excellent. Perhapd she could be with you when you tell you parents? I'm sure it could be arranged, and since you have her support and clearly trust her, I think she may be a good person to have with you. Everyone needs someone to hold their hand sometimes, even me in my thirties still get scared of certain situations! It's ok to ask for help

 

[WackyMumof2]

You will still need to tell your parents. They need to be aware. They won't be angry with you at all and you will need their support and advice what ever you choose to do with your babies. Letting your parents know is vital because you will need to get to hospital when labour starts. Secondly, your mother will be able to answer any questions you may have about pregnancy or labour as well as make sure you and your pregnancy is progressing safely. Remember, pregnancy, labour and birth is a natural event in a woman's life but sometimes things can go wrong. I'm not trying to scare you by any means. But sit down, explain what has happened to Mum and Dad. It's best for you and your babies. Best of luck OP.

 

[happycupcake]

For what it's worth, OP, if I was your mum all I would want to do is cuddle you and protect you. I'm a mother to a teenage boy and an almost teenage daughter, and younger children too. If any of them came to me in your situation I would be devastated they had been put through rape, but I would fully support them in whatever they wanted to do regarding that and regarding the babies. All I would want to do is comfort them and help them. There isn't an ounce of me that would, or could be angry at them

 

[Tropiclands]

Well getting a doctor involved is a huge step forward. Just remember that carrying twins means that you will stretch more and need a LOT more rest. If you start school later this year pregnant, it will be a challenge. I will support you however I can like everyone else on here.

 

[MrsB_2015]

How are you doing OP?

 

[AshlaTano]

Honestly? I don't know... I'm feeling very nervous lately, because my due date is getting closer and closer and the twins haven't been born yet. I'm getting worried...
Also, I have told my parents about it... And now I wish I hadn't. At first they began to laugh, they didn't believe me. But then they got mad at me for not telling them, for lying, for not doing anything against the rape. I didn't want to listen anymore and I ran to my room, crying...
I didn't know what I had expected, but part of me was hoping that they would support me... They later said that they didn't want to have anything to do with the twins, and that I shouldn't count on them to support me...
I don't know what I should do now. I haven't told my doctor about this yet. Also school has started again, and it's worse than last year. I failed my class and I have to do it over now, but it's more work and it's quite stressful...
Oh God, I really don't know what I should do next. I decided that I want to give the twins up for adoption, but I don't know if I need my parents' permission to do that...

 

[MrsB_2015]

Well, first, don't worry about the babies not having been born yet. The closer to your due date that you get, the heathier the babies will be! Are you seeing your doctor pretty consistently?

I am so very sorry to hear about how your parents reacted. A rape is in NO way your fault, and to ask why you didn't "do anything" against it is a very sad and unfortunate way to react. I do understand their feeling upset at the lying, it's a lot for anyone to take in- but to leave you alone to deal with this is, in my opinion, a terrible, heartbreaking decision. Are they still allowing you to live with them? If not, is there someone you know (family or friend) who would be willing to take you in for a while?

Finally, adoption is a wonderful idea. There are so many couples out there who would absolutely love a child but can't have one. I'm not sure how it works where you are, but what I would suggest is going to a counselor (is there one at your school you can talk to?) and also tell your doctor that you're considering adoption. They should be able to give you all the information you need.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I know you have so much to worry about right now, but the sooner you do this the better. (Before those babies are born).