2 year old: stands at gate crying, please help.

[Katiekola]

Hi all,

I put my two year old into a bed from a cot a few months ago. Has a terrible start of 'jack in the box' type of activity but persisted and got through that. He began to sleep through form around 8pm till 6.15am and was happy with that.

Now I am so angry with myself,!.....basically one night I got into his bed when he asked for a cuddle, it worked okay for about a week, cuddle in bed, sing a song, I leave, he sleeps. Now I no sooner leave the room and he is out of bed screaming and crying for a cuddle, if I say 'I will give you a cuddle and then its bedtime' it makes no difference, he will stand at his gate afterwards and cry.

And then he will wake up several times in the night. And from 4am he is up. I just keep going in and putting him back to bed. Once I think it was 60 times.

Please help!! What advice?? At the moment it is 8pm and I put him down at 7.40, he has been at his gate ever since just crying and shouting Mommy...

What has worked for you? I can't go on like this. Bedtimes used to be easy and now I dread them, help!

 

[Katiekola]

Just as extra info : I left him for 25 mins crying at gate and went in silently to put him back to bed. He came straight back and we are in the same position of crying etc. how long should I leave him for? Am I making things worse?

I have cut his nap time down to around an hour during the day now as I think it helps if he is tired at bed but theres that fine line of over tired too. I feel awful, I just can't listen to this. It makes me feel horrendous but I need a solution (((

 

[Babybear85]

We had this when my son turned two what I'd add is we didn't move him to a bed he did this dispite being in his cot.bed so I rekon it's nothing you have done in regards to cuddling and changing him to a bed so don't beat yourself up its likely he was worrying or scared and that's why eqs asking for cuddles but the fears escalated. I will be honest we had a rough few months. The one thing we were really strict on.was he had to settle in his own.cot even.if it took.hours but he'd then.wake.four five times.a night and it started again and I had a seven month old too.so still doing night feeds with him. We in the end allowed josh in our.bed after a certain time.so.say if he woke before midnight.we'd resettle him in.how.cot and then after that he could come in.with us. He never wakes now and if he does its for a.drink kiss hug etc always sleeps the full night in his cot. I don't know if cosleeping is something you would consider for part ofr the night at all. I still don't know why he was frightened or what was bothering him he had all his teeth so it wasn't that but I do think being consistent with bedtime.settling in his own.room helped as he knew he had to settle there. It was bad we would sometimes just fall into bed at ten only just settling him. We did cut his nap out too he'd sleep.nearly threw hours and I think it wasn't helping now he falls asleep for maybe an hour after lunch.whilst watching a film. Hope it passes soon for u. My youngest is fast approaching two so.I'll let u know If it happens again lol

 

[Mrs HM]

My son was the same and he only grew out of it when dd came along when he was 2yrs and 5months old. We always had to stay with him until he fell asleep, but from around age two he was cry and scream and work himself into such a state. I didn't find a solution other than he sort of learned himself that mummy and daddy were busy with the baby and he settled well after the first week of the new baby being born. He sleeps through every night now, so I think getting a bit older helped.

 

[MiniKiwi]

Can you stay and cuddle and sing until he falls asleep? If you stay with him, eventually he'll feel comfortable with you leaving cause he'll know that you'll be there if he needs you. I cuddle and sing with my 2.5 year old, we just do it as that's been our routine her whole life but if for some reason I can't stay with her then she is ok with that too and takes herself off to sleep. I think she feels secure knowing I'm there if she needs me.

I do think you're making things worse with what you're currently doing, because it's not consistent. He cries for 25 minutes then you go and put him back in bed, he knows you eventually come back and that's what he wants - to be with you. Even if you leave right away, he just wanted to see you, so he'll probably continue. He will just fall asleep from pure exhaustion in the end, not because he learned anything.

I think capping his nap isn't a good idea. When my DD goes without a nap because we've been out/busy, I can guarantee she will wake 1000 times and we'll have a crap night. What time does he nap? Maybe you could try to make it earlier in the day if you think it's affecting his night time sleep?

Overall, I think you'd both be happier if you just stay with him for now. It's fair enough that you don't want to do this for ever but he will grow out of needing you so much. I'd let him nap away during the day (unless he's napping for more than three hours?) and stay with him at bedtime.

 

[Katiekola]

Thankyou everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it and it helps to know am not alone, even though I don't wish disrupted nights sleep on anyone!

I have gone with this tonight MiniKiwi. I decided that the past week has been so incredibly awful and distressing listening to him cry that I had to find a way to work with what I have. For his nap this afternoon (at midday) i stayed with him till he fell asleep, stroked his nose for a while then just stayed closely with a hand on him. He kept grabbing it and my hair to make sure I was still there but was just quiet and present. He took 20 mins to fall asleep then I did wake him up but he had a good 1 1/2 hour nap.

This evening as soon as I put him to bed he was a bit frantic to get out as he thought I was about to leave. I said 'it's okay, mummy's going to stroke you'(!) he immediately settled back in to bed. I stroked his nose for few mins then just sat next to his bed with arm on him like earlier. I counted back from 500 (no kidding...) took about half hour for him to fall asleep then I left.

Would be a dream come true if he sleeps thru till morning. Sorry for such long winded account but if anyone sees anything else I can do tell me!!

Hooefully it is just a phase, my only worry is he will wake repetitively thru the night and think he needs me to come through and sit with him and I am just too exhausted for it all. But if he sleeps through will happily do it forever!!

Can you stay and cuddle and sing until he falls asleep? If you stay with him, eventually he'll feel comfortable with you leaving cause he'll know that you'll be there if he needs you. I cuddle and sing with my 2.5 year old, we just do it as that's been our routine her whole life but if for some reason I can't stay with her then she is ok with that too and takes herself off to sleep. I think she feels secure knowing I'm there if she needs me.

I do think you're making things worse with what you're currently doing, because it's not consistent. He cries for 25 minutes then you go and put him back in bed, he knows you eventually come back and that's what he wants - to be with you. Even if you leave right away, he just wanted to see you, so he'll probably continue. He will just fall asleep from pure exhaustion in the end, not because he learned anything.

I think capping his nap isn't a good idea. When my DD goes without a nap because we've been out/busy, I can guarantee she will wake 1000 times and we'll have a crap night. What time does he nap? Maybe you could try to make it earlier in the day if you think it's affecting his night time sleep?

Overall, I think you'd both be happier if you just stay with him for now. It's fair enough that you don't want to do this for ever but he will grow out of needing you so much. I'd let him nap away during the day (unless he's napping for more than three hours?) and stay with him at bedtime.

 

[Zephram]

I have just spent an hour and a half getting my LO to sleep by cuddling him and making up insane stories about a squirrel. I sympathise, KatieKola. It's a hard age for them sleep wise. I tell you what, we will never look back and regret cuddling them to sleep.

 

[Babybear85]

I really think.it's age related and development related I image turning twos a scary time they are so much more confident and independent and they know some things but not as much as they'd like they don't want to miss out on fun when they're in bed they know your staying up and emotionally it's gotta be rough and scary. I think my son was having night terrors and that's why he stopped wanting to go to bed that's why we ended up allowing him in with us and we have bith never regretted allowing it for that stage because he was clearly scared and needed us and he doesn't expect it now he loves bedtime now so we didn't start any rods for our own backs although when ur caught in the midst of it you just don't know whatvthese heck to do for the best do u it's just so confusing. I guarantee it will settle again but it did take a few months for us for it to blow over...it was very tough on us we were very snappy and tired and fed up....I give it six months before I do it all again

 

[Katiekola]

Hi,

So the past few nights and naps have been more manageable while sitting with him and he is sleeping for longer periods of time through the night but for the last two nights he has been resisting sleep so much even thou he is tired. Last night he kept repetedly hitting himself in the face to stay awake, so much so that he bust his nose and the pillow was bloody the next morning..... Tonight I have spent 45 mins next to him before he finally gave in to sleep and this involved more hitting plus poking himself in the eyes!

Anyone experienced this with toddlers and any advice?

 

[staralfur]

No advice, we're dealing with something very similar... my LO can open her door so she just gets up and walks into our bedroom anywhere from twice a night to every hour. It's very frustrating. Sometimes it takes up to 2 hours to get her back to sleep once I put her back in her room. There's no point in putting her back and leaving since she'll just come out again, so I sit beside her bed and she holds my hand. But she kicks around her blanket for a while, repositions her stuffed animals a thousand times, changes positions constantly, asks me questions, chews her nails, etc. even though she never sleeps more than 4 hours and I KNOW she's tired.

It's been going on for about two months and I am perpetually exhausted. I find myself in a bad mood with her during the day because she's happy as can be and I'm just desperate for more sleep.

Anyway, it seems to be a common phase for around this age and I'm praying it doesn't last much longer. Outside of locking her in her room and letting her scream and kick the door for god knows how long in the middle of the night, I can't really think of what else to do... and I'm definitely not comfortable doing that. So I'm just struggling through.

I always thought we'd reach a point where I wouldn't have to worry about her horrible sleep but I'm giving up hope, I think.

 

[Katiekola]

I know how you feel, my LO is definitley tired through the day and yes my mood is low as I feel so helpless. Last night he was up three times then awake at 5.20. If he wakes up after 5 I can't go back in to sit with him as I know he is up for the day so he just stands by the gate until I go in when his 'bunny wakes up' (clock thing) he seems to get this concept and just shouts for me a bit but still.. Feel shattered

 

[Tazi88]

We had a similiar thing and have now taught him to hit the pillow/cushion instead of himself. He will work through it. My son is 2.9 and he just had an awful patch of settling and it turns out me telling him mummy always comes back really helped. We have a deal now. If he calls out I always come to see but I will only give a quick cuddle then off I go. It's taken about a week but now he believes me and has stopped calling out so much. I think for us he's past the age when CC works. They just get more hysterical. Good luck!

 

[noon_child]

Hi,

So the past few nights and naps have been more manageable while sitting with him and he is sleeping for longer periods of time through the night but for the last two nights he has been resisting sleep so much even thou he is tired. Last night he kept repetedly hitting himself in the face to stay awake, so much so that he bust his nose and the pillow was bloody the next morning..... Tonight I have spent 45 mins next to him before he finally gave in to sleep and this involved more hitting plus poking himself in the eyes!

Anyone experienced this with toddlers and any advice?

I haven't had that experience but I did start to set "rules" at that age for what I expected bedtime behaviour to be. So if LO was playing with toys, jumping up and down etc. I'd say "If you want to play I'm going to go *insert household task* till you're ready to lie down. If you want me to stay here and help you fall asleep you need to lie down and try to close your eyes". Maybe you could try something like that? You have to follow through though which resulted in some angry hysterics but I just reapeated myself "If you want me to stay here you need to lie down" and she stopped the screaming and lay down straight away mostly (till the next time she wanted to test if I'd really leave). Thing is whatever you choose has to be something you are comfortable with. There is no point telling him you wont stay if you are uncomfortable following through with leaving.

I also found that the "messing around" and sleep fighting was also much worse when nap time hadn't been enough or bedtime was delayed too much. Maybe try leaving him to nap as long as he wants for a three or four days and see if it makes a difference. It's all experimentation this parenting lark!