2nd Tri, feeling tired and unnannouced visitors.......

[Lisalovesbean]

Ok, I have little dilemma.....Yesterday lunch time after a dreadful nights "sleep" (courtesy of my son who is Autistic and going through another period of no sleep) I felt pretty crap, so I closed the window blinds to shade me and keep the lounge cool and lay on the sofa whilst OH played out the back with the kids.....after a while I got up and noticed some hand delivered post on the floor by the front door, so I picked it up and it was a wedding invite from my SIL and also a birthday card for me from her for me (I'm 36 on Monday....)...

So I called SIL mobile to thank her and got no answer but left a voicemail, she responded in the evening with a text saying, "oh, we (her and OH) called at 1pm and your blinds were STILL down...why???, so we didn't knock but we wanted to visit you.... "

Now, on reading this I get a bit peed off.....they know we as a couple hate unexpected visitors, we never impose ourselves on anybody without prior invitation or a phone call to confirm it's ok to drop by, so we expect the same level of courtesy back.....

So I typed out a text back to say, " Thanks again for the card and invite. I had the blinds down as we'd had a terrible night with E.... and I was resting on the sofa , also shattered with the pregnancy...also as you know we prefer not to answer the door unless a visit is pre-arranged. I know that you may think is odd but kids especially fraught autistic kids and frazzled, sickly, preggy mums and impromptu visits don't mix!!"....I didn't send it, just saved it to my drafts file on phone...for now!

I have certain routines that I have to follow with my boy and we hate imposing people on him when he's not at his best , he is autistic and also has severe mental delays and he is challenging and exhausting at times and when the visitors leave it's me and OH that deal with the hysterics and fall out from him...

I just wish that after seven years of my son being with with us that they'd take this on board and have a bit of thought and respect for our wishes, but it seems to just go over their heads....also the Fiance of SIL is one of them guys that is loud and rough and grabs my son in a headlock that always ends in tears and I can do with him not being in my home causing disruption!

Should I send the text? I'm thinking if she has it that reading it may sink in the thoughts that we have.....awwww, I just don't know!!!!

Also when this new baby is here, I will be wanting P&Q so that my son (in particular) and daughter can get used to their new sibling without family fussing around....My side of the family are understanding and not invasive but there when needed, but SIL and MIL seem to have no sense of boundary and always overstay their welcome!!

 

[babycakes76]

Hi, sorry to hear how you're feeling. Family can be so stressful at times!!

From experience I wouldn't send that text as it will just lead to a family fallout!
I think the best thing to do is to phone your SIL and explain why you had the blinds shut and again tell her how unexpected visitors can upset your boy.
What does your partner think to it? Maybe he could phone her as its his sister.....

 

[Lisalovesbean]

Thanks for your reply!

My OH and his sis aren't that close....she gets on better with me even though we aren't close either anymore, where she goes her OH has to be following even on girls only nights out!!!

She is just very unaware.....when I was in labour the first time, her and her mum turned up and insisted on being allowed into delivery to see me, even though OH and my Mum were my birthing partners....they were allowed in for ten minutes by mw but ended up staying for over an hour and even took pictures of my nether regions and pethidine induced hallucinations when mw was trying to see how far I'd progressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They have no clue and are very demanding!

 

[Rachel_C]

I'd maybe edit the text a bit... keep the first bit up until 'shattered with the pregnancy' but then just write something like 'so give us a call before you next fancy coming round so we can arrange a good time'. If she doesn't get that it's not okay to call without calling first and comes round uninvited again, I'd just not answer the door to her! She'll get the message eventually!

 

[Lisalovesbean]

I'd maybe edit the text a bit... keep the first bit up until 'shattered with the pregnancy' but then just write something like 'so give us a call before you next fancy coming round so we can arrange a good time'. If she doesn't get that it's not okay to call without calling first and comes round uninvited again, I'd just not answer the door to her! She'll get the message eventually!

Thanks Rach! I will do what you advise and I'm also going to speak to my MIL tomorrow when we do our "pre-arranged" visit to them...I am planning on just explaining how tired I am and that we are setting some boundaries now for everybody..family and friends as we need to think of our boy...I'm also planning on saying/whitelying that a " a friend" has been calling unexpected and it's causing a few issues.....a bit naughty I know, but hopefully will get the point across without singling anybody out....and also will bring up the wanting to establish bf'ing when baby is born without me feeling exposed and the children getting some bonding time so that we are limiting house visits in the first week!

I feel crap having to do this, but I'm sick of them taking control of visits and not considering that we may have other things to do! It's not like they even visit for an hour, they stay all day!!!

 

[dizzy duck]

I really hope it all works out for you and that they get the message, good luck, take care XX

 

[xarxa]

You have alot more patience then i do.

I would be really pissed if anyone wouldn't respect my families needs when it comes to medical issues.

I do however know exactly what you mean as my inlaws usually come unexpected, they travel about 80 km and expect to stay at our house. And i don't feel it's right to deny them that. But it's annoying as hell, we have a really small apartment and no extra bedrooms to hold 4 extra people. They just don't get it. I have a feeling small-town people are usually like that, atleast in norway. They love visitors themselves, unexpected or not. Probably because they have them so rarely cause they live in the middle of nowhere.

 

[overcomer79]

If you aren't that close (nor your OH), why go to the wedding? It just seems that she has no regard for your situation and has to be the center of everything! That just frustrates me how family can do such things. BTW, you aren't alone in not wanting unexpected visitors. I like lounging around (when not working) in my robe or pjs and that just isn't something that I want to answer the door in .

Unfortunately, I think I would have sent the text. I haven't learned as a first time pregnant woman how to keep some things to myself.

You need to think about your son in this case and don't give a sh*t what anyone else thinks! If she were in that situation, then maybe she would understand. I just don't think words themselves would make her understand. Does that make sense? To clarify, I am legally blind, unable to drive myself around, but when OH claims to understand (perfect vision and unrestricted on the road) then I just glare at him and say "no you don't".

Hope things work out for you hun.

 

[Mimiso]

My mum does that a lot, I will be sitting with my OH and the children then the buzzer goes and she's like 'oh I was just in the area' and in my mind I'm like 'so it doesnt mean pass by all the time. I love her and everything but sometimes her total lack of regard for other people's privacy drives me up the wall. I bet my buzzer is going to go off any minute now and guess who it will be................ It is extremely annoying and like you I dont know how to handle it. These days it is better, she used to pass by everyday and it was murder

 

[Rachel_C]

I'm also going to speak to my MIL tomorrow when we do our "pre-arranged" visit to them...I am planning on just explaining how tired I am and that we are setting some boundaries now for everybody..family and friends as we need to think of our boy...I'm also planning on saying/whitelying that a " a friend" has been calling unexpected and it's causing a few issues.....a bit naughty I know, but hopefully will get the point across without singling anybody out....and also will bring up the wanting to establish bf'ing when baby is born without me feeling exposed and the children getting some bonding time so that we are limiting house visits in the first week!

Sounds like a good plan! Hope it works for you.

I'm actually having the opposite problem at the moment - my MIL keeps arranging for us to go places with them... it's a big family and they're always going round to each others' houses for dinner so people just ring her and she says if we'll go... without asking us. I feel like a child! In the last few days, she's organised a dinner that we went to last night, tried to organise an afternoon/evening event for today and then last night was planning another thing for Monday. Fortunately my husband said no to today and Monday because he has things to do, but if he hadn't have been busy, I would have had to say something. People don't seem to understand that my husband leaves for work at 8am, gets home at 8/9pm and I'm so knackered that I go to sleep at 9.30pm during the week. At the weekend, I just want to spend some nice time alone with hubby, not MIL and all the rest of them!

 

[Lisalovesbean]

If you aren't that close (nor your OH), why go to the wedding? It just seems that she has no regard for your situation and has to be the center of everything! That just frustrates me how family can do such things. BTW, you aren't alone in not wanting unexpected visitors. I like lounging around (when not working) in my robe or pjs and that just isn't something that I want to answer the door in .

Unfortunately, I think I would have sent the text. I haven't learned as a first time pregnant woman how to keep some things to myself.

You need to think about your son in this case and don't give a sh*t what anyone else thinks! If she were in that situation, then maybe she would understand. I just don't think words themselves would make her understand. Does that make sense? To clarify, I am legally blind, unable to drive myself around, but when OH claims to understand (perfect vision and unrestricted on the road) then I just glare at him and say "no you don't".

Hope things work out for you hun.

Even though were not that close anymore we still regard them as family....OH only started speaking to his Mum two months ago after almost a three year estrangement....during this time I maintained contact for the children's sake and also for MIL and FIL (He is lovely!!)and SIL, the row between them was down to his Mum interfering and making stupid comments with regards to the way my husband dealt with an incident at her house when a cabinet full of glass and crystal trinkets almost fell onto our son who was then three.....they only made up because FIL's mother died and at the funeral they all got talking so...hence the reason we are going, if we didn't we would never hear the end of it!!

I care a lot about SIL even though we have not spent a moment alone in the past four years since she has been with her OH, he will simply not let her be, and she seems happy enough to go along with that....he is definately insecure in some way. But all this aside, they as a couple have no regard for just dropping by when they fancy (they live about 45 mins away), but funnily enough in the three years that they have been living together we have never been invited to their house!!!!! Never been in it, ever!!!

Thank You!!

 

[spidey]

I have some similar privacy issues but with my MIL. She lives on the same street as me and she has it in her head that we live in a commune rather than 2 separate families in 2 separate houses. She'll ring the bell whenever she pleases and if she doesn't get an answer she'll peer in the windows! We had to put film on all the windows closest to the ground. Anyway... in my experience, it would be best to make sure you and DH are in total agreement on how to handle your relatives. In the very beginning when the MIL didn't get her way with one of us, she would go to the other and try to manipulate things. Once she realized that DH and I couldn't be played like that, she backed off.

Also, you need to do what's best for your family (you, DH and your kids) and if that means setting limits and making the other relatives mad, then so be it!!

 

[Lisalovesbean]

I have some similar privacy issues but with my MIL. She lives on the same street as me and she has it in her head that we live in a commune rather than 2 separate families in 2 separate houses. She'll ring the bell whenever she pleases and if she doesn't get an answer she'll peer in the windows! We had to put film on all the windows closest to the ground. Anyway... in my experience, it would be best to make sure you and DH are in total agreement on how to handle your relatives. In the very beginning when the MIL didn't get her way with one of us, she would go to the other and try to manipulate things. Once she realized that DH and I couldn't be played like that, she backed off.

Also, you need to do what's best for your family (you, DH and your kids) and if that means setting limits and making the other relatives mad, then so be it!!

Thanks spidey

Luckily OH is even more private than I am! He relates stories to me from his childhood of being dragged around to visit random relatives all the time!!

One of my best friends has a situation very similar to yours, her MIL lives around the corner from her and last year when she had her first baby she would call each afternoon and would be there all weekend, expecting to hold the baby whilst my friend "could get on with her chores"..............

My mate has had such a bad time with the constant calling that her and her OH are moving a mile away from the MIL in four weeks and still haven't told her.....(they rent, so no for sale signs!!)!!!

I can remember hiding with my first baby behind the sofa from my MIL banging the door down when my son was just a few weeks old....she was awful in the early days, I had things to do and a house to run and I would get calls saying that "Auntie blah who you've never met wants to see the baby now" and I would be expected to drop everything and go satisfy the curiosity of a long lost relation of my MIL!!!

When I had my daughter I was very direct and told them when it was convenient for them to visit me, but this time I have a feeling they won't listen until I am forced to "mouth off"...as it were!!