39 and trying to conceive:-(

[Bonnie1990]

Well he did it and I delivered it.
Results this afternoon.
Impending ego trip to follow lol

 

[PositiveUs]

Bonnie- Wow awesome! It's just better to know than not to know what's going on.

My scan today showed 2 follicles on each side under 10mm (they should be bigger) so they upped my dose. There's one at 13mm also and the 26mm follicle reduced down to 14mm. Idk wth this really means. Basically it boils down to the next scan. Always waiting for something; the next scan, the next O date, the next time to BD, the next AF!!!

I thought of something interesting though. Granted, I took meds to down regulate, but my follicles are not mature on CD 8 after taking stimulating medications and I ovulate normally on CD 11 or 12, so, is it possible that some women are ovulating immature follicles that couldn't become embryos even if there was sperm there to meet the egg? And, how would we ever know unless we were scanned every month around O time (and who's gonna pay for that?????).
Just another scary thought.

 

[Bonnie1990]

The results are poor.
I'm crushed and don't know how to tell him.

 

[PositiveUs]

I'm so sorry. This is not an easy subject to breech with a partner.

Get the print out and see what part is "poor" and you can plan what to do accordingly (supplements, maca root, zinc, etc.). It could be somthing wrong with motility, or the overall count, or the sperm could be damaged.

My guy had a great count and motility but a lot of them had deficits like no heads or no tails.

Good luck telling him. Or maybe just digest this for a while and tell him when you are ready. I feel for you.

 

[Bonnie1990]

Its all poor. Decreased count and low motility and morphology.
Waiting on a call back from gyn to see if iui is even going to be an option after urology consult or if we would have to move to more aggressive treatment. It could influence his decision on what he will be willing to do.
I'm sure he is going to need to sit on this a bit.
I have had a couple of hours. He doesn't even know.

 

[trying4four]

I'm so sorry for the news Bonnie.
Don't give up hope though! If it's meant to be it will be!!

 

[BabyBean14]

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[PositiveUs]

I am not responding to the meds. This cycle is cancelled. They say I could be perimenapausal. This time they gave me lupron. I wonder if the lupron (which puts your body in a short menapause) didn't supress me so much that I can't respond. The nurse didn't really have an answer to that question. I talk w the FS in October to discuss my cycle and options.
At least last time I had 3 follicles and 2 fertilized.
Now there are only 2 tiny tiny follicles that are 2-4mm and they should be 16 or 18mm.
Just as I suspected, I am having a LH surge right now but even if we BD'd there would be nothing to fertilize. The follicles aren't mature.
They said just because I get an LH surge and my temps look like I ovulate, it doesn't mean I am actually ovulating; they don't go by the standard opk test and temps as an indication of actual ovulation.
In October 2011, the ultrasound right after O verified that I was still O'ing, they saw (2) 16mm follicles on each side and asked me if I was on clomid, which I never took until my mini ivf cycle this year, so I thought I was in good standing.
I was sure I was at least ovulating mature eggs a year ago. I guess I have declined since then.
At least I have the option of donor egg. They give me a 50% chance with donor egg (which is better than some odds for even younger people, crazy).
I can take the rest of my money left for the third cycle and transfer it to a donor cycle.
I really have to think about this and talk to OH.
What's going to stop me from really drinking wine tonight?
I don't want to f'ing cook dinner.
I don't want to be at work.
I want to run.
I want to go to a tiki bar and talk with strangers and do shots and laugh and smoke like it's the last day of my life.
Something's gotta give.
Thanks for listening.

 

[PositiveUs]

Bonnie- now that I'm done bitching about myself, I am truly sorry about what has happened. Let's just remember that there is a plan that even we cannot understand and things have a way of working out exactly the way they are supposed to and the hand at work is beyond our comprehension.

 

[trying4four]

Positive
I'm sorry that this cycle didn't work out the way it was supposed to. If you had been open to adoption, then perhaps the donor egg is the way to go?
I truly hope things work out for you which ever way to decide to proceed.

 

[PositiveUs]

Thank you Trying4four- I have to really get used to this idea (donor egg) and talk with OH. They gave me 50% chance with DE. My mother said why not try and if it's meant to be it will be. It's not like it's 100% for sure that it will even work, so it is still obviously in God's hands.

 

[BabyBean14]

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[Bonnie1990]

Ladies. Thank you for everything.
I plan on asking for my account to be closed.
We will not pursue any treatments procedures or supplements
It is clear I want this more than he does so as ll has said so well before I need to give it to god.
If it happens it happens.
But I can't try to let go and still be here.

I wish you all the luck in the world getting your dreams

 

[BabyBean14]

.

 

[PositiveUs]

Bonnie- I am sorry and I feel for you. I wish you the best of luck. Read "Three Majic Words", It's changing my life.

I feel like I'm losing a good friend.

 

[Bonnie1990]

Ok hi....still here. Haven't cut the cord-think ill just add a few feet to it for now.
I would miss so many of you so much.
Thank you all for you kind words this past week. I don't think I have ever been on this kind of roller coaster before.

I am feeling better today. We have decided no treatments (IUI), no more testing and oh refuses any hocus pocus voodo supplements.
I am not going to temp or mark calendars. I will know about when is right and we will see what happens. If its a kid weekend I won't even bother to stress it.
I have obsessed over things too long and need to refocus on me-not a baby that doesn't even exist yet. I have a possible opportunity at work-probably lateral but time for a change and wil make me more marketable elsewhere in a few years.

So-through the chaos and tears I have decided to accept what will be will be. I myself can't do anymore than that-And I highly doubt he will change his mind. So be it.

Lots of love and hugs ladies
You have no idea what you all mean to me.

 

[BabyBean14]

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[PositiveUs]

Bonnie- I would miss you if you left.

Ok. So the nurse is telling me that just because women take opk's and temp, this does not mean we are ovulating for sure, it does not mean that a viable egg is released and it does not mean an egg is released at all. From what I've read on the internet, increased age makes only like 20% of the eggs that are ovulated possible for fertilization. It really is a miracle pregnancy naturally happens at all at this age, apparently. So we may all be thinking we are ovulating but not necessarily and/or the eggs aren't viable. Holy crap. I knew this in a way, but I was really still hanging onto hope. They say on the internet that 39 and over is a 1% chance of natural conception each month!!! Holy crap.

I really don't mean to be a downer, but I seem to read the same basic message no matter what site it is.

I checked opk today just because I feel the signs of O even though i took stims this month and had an LH surge via a blood test already. I just wanted to see if I had another surge and it was positive. And of course f'ing FF is not saying I already O'd. Of course I realize that the entire cycle is thrown off due to the ivf meds. I read online that LH is totally unpredictable at this "advanced" age. So there is no freaking reality for me anymore.

So OH does not want to to DE at this point. He has to think it over. He says he is more "worried about my state of mind" as a result of using DE psychological reprocussions and such.... I told him it's just a big excuse to say "no" to kids altogether. The more I think about it, a donor egg would have much less chance of having a birth defect, and for that reason alone and my history of depression in the family on both sides, I think somone else's egg would be a much better idea. I am lucky I even have the option, and I fully realize this.

If he doesn't agree to DE I will just leave him. He said he wants a family when he proposed, so that makes him a big fat liar in my book. And I told him he's getting fat too! Ha!

 

[PositiveUs]

I'm starting to hate OH.

 

[PositiveUs]

I counted at least 25 pimples on my face from these stimulation meds, and they are mostly still there for over a week now. It's disgusting. Mostly just bumps, nothing you can squeeze. I look like I'm in high school. I do not want to be at work, I do not want to be around OH at home. I have nowhere to go.

OH said he won't pay for DE either, and I don't have enough money without his money.

Sorry. I have no reason to complian. All this is my stupid fault for waiting too long.

I hope everyone has a great day.