BabyBean14
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39 and trying to conceive:-(
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BabyBean14
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PositiveUs
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Thank you Kismet.
This forum really helps. I do have family and friends in the "outside world" as well, thank God.
I think of DE this way......
If someone were to knock on my door and drop off an infant with no other information and nowhere for it to go and no one claiming it and no strings attached so-to-speak, no red tape. I would take it in less than a beat of a heart. There would be no question. There would be no lack of love. It would be mine and I would love the living hell out of it!!!!!!!! I'm pretty sure that regardless of genetics, it would be the coolest baby ever, because it would be my baby regardless of how it came to me.
With DE, i was reading that the genetic mother is the donor and I would be the biological mother. There's all this crazy terminology and the fact is my blood would circulate in it's little body and my nutrients would grow it and I would feed it with my milk. So I don't really see the big deal with DE for myself. I do have a messed up family and my eggs are old and I don't want to take the chance on a baby having some disorder just because my eggs are too old.
Thank you soooooooooooo much for helping me. I will obviously definately have to really think this over myself. And OH will have to as well.
To put it in perspective, some people have bad sperm and bad eggs and they get DE and donor sperm and still carry a baby they love just as much as an adopted baby only they get to carry it for 9 months.
Now, if I tried DE and even though there's a 50% chance of it "working", if it didn't work, then I can't say what my mental state would be. That's the scary territory. Then I would know that despite all my efforts and open mindedness to DE, I would be a "failure".
But even then, there would be a period of mourning, and I suppose I would have to go on with life wouldn't I? I would figure out a way to live. I know I seem like a nut but I am strong and I know God loves me and that I am special with or without a baby, and so are all of you
This forum really helps. I do have family and friends in the "outside world" as well, thank God.
I think of DE this way......
If someone were to knock on my door and drop off an infant with no other information and nowhere for it to go and no one claiming it and no strings attached so-to-speak, no red tape. I would take it in less than a beat of a heart. There would be no question. There would be no lack of love. It would be mine and I would love the living hell out of it!!!!!!!! I'm pretty sure that regardless of genetics, it would be the coolest baby ever, because it would be my baby regardless of how it came to me.
With DE, i was reading that the genetic mother is the donor and I would be the biological mother. There's all this crazy terminology and the fact is my blood would circulate in it's little body and my nutrients would grow it and I would feed it with my milk. So I don't really see the big deal with DE for myself. I do have a messed up family and my eggs are old and I don't want to take the chance on a baby having some disorder just because my eggs are too old.
Thank you soooooooooooo much for helping me. I will obviously definately have to really think this over myself. And OH will have to as well.
To put it in perspective, some people have bad sperm and bad eggs and they get DE and donor sperm and still carry a baby they love just as much as an adopted baby only they get to carry it for 9 months.
Now, if I tried DE and even though there's a 50% chance of it "working", if it didn't work, then I can't say what my mental state would be. That's the scary territory. Then I would know that despite all my efforts and open mindedness to DE, I would be a "failure".
But even then, there would be a period of mourning, and I suppose I would have to go on with life wouldn't I? I would figure out a way to live. I know I seem like a nut but I am strong and I know God loves me and that I am special with or without a baby, and so are all of you
Bonnie1990
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positive,
im so sorry that oh is not on board right now with DE. its a tough decision and your openness to it amazes me because i dont think i could or would fee the same way. i feel like i would always know in the back of my mind that the child was not mine.
maybe your oh will come around after thinking about it like i hope mine will about IUI. I understand the financial part because i cant do it without his financial help either. it does bother me sometimes that we could easily afford IVF if he would be willing to do it.
its hard give up without a fight and aside from trying DE you have given it everything you can and that you can be proud of.
we are always here for you....
im so sorry that oh is not on board right now with DE. its a tough decision and your openness to it amazes me because i dont think i could or would fee the same way. i feel like i would always know in the back of my mind that the child was not mine.
maybe your oh will come around after thinking about it like i hope mine will about IUI. I understand the financial part because i cant do it without his financial help either. it does bother me sometimes that we could easily afford IVF if he would be willing to do it.
its hard give up without a fight and aside from trying DE you have given it everything you can and that you can be proud of.
we are always here for you....
PositiveUs
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Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and support.
If you ever met anyone in my family you would easily see why DE is a really good idea. Seriously. Plus I am moody with general anxiety and a tendency towards depression. But my sister (technically half-sister)- bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, heroin and other drug addictions, had her son taken away from her who is now adopted and gave away her daughter at birth who is now adopted- I couldn't adopt them at the time, had my own relationship issues, my mother- chronicly ill, doesn't leave bed, back pain which I think is somatic, multiple surgeries, pain meds out the wazooo, tried to detox many times and failed, chronic lifelong serious depression and severe anxiety, she takes at least 50 mg of clonopin a day, oxycontin, morphine, you name it, my biological father- lifelong drug and alcohol problems from teenage to now including alcohol, heroin, cocaine, you name it, barely has a place to live now and he's 64 years old, lived his whole life like a rockstar.
OH is afraid of all of these issues. His dad was a big drinker and he himself drinks at least twice a week, beers with the guys at home, I gues that's normal. Needless to say I had my own issues with depression all my life until about 2 years ago and the weight lifted without meds. Now, I am finally ready for a "real life" after 2 very longterm and very painful relationships in my 20s. So it wasn't even possible to be anywhere near "normal" until now, and low and behold, now is when I can't produce a baby. Go figure. Perfect irony. Perfect.
If you ever met anyone in my family you would easily see why DE is a really good idea. Seriously. Plus I am moody with general anxiety and a tendency towards depression. But my sister (technically half-sister)- bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, heroin and other drug addictions, had her son taken away from her who is now adopted and gave away her daughter at birth who is now adopted- I couldn't adopt them at the time, had my own relationship issues, my mother- chronicly ill, doesn't leave bed, back pain which I think is somatic, multiple surgeries, pain meds out the wazooo, tried to detox many times and failed, chronic lifelong serious depression and severe anxiety, she takes at least 50 mg of clonopin a day, oxycontin, morphine, you name it, my biological father- lifelong drug and alcohol problems from teenage to now including alcohol, heroin, cocaine, you name it, barely has a place to live now and he's 64 years old, lived his whole life like a rockstar.
OH is afraid of all of these issues. His dad was a big drinker and he himself drinks at least twice a week, beers with the guys at home, I gues that's normal. Needless to say I had my own issues with depression all my life until about 2 years ago and the weight lifted without meds. Now, I am finally ready for a "real life" after 2 very longterm and very painful relationships in my 20s. So it wasn't even possible to be anywhere near "normal" until now, and low and behold, now is when I can't produce a baby. Go figure. Perfect irony. Perfect.
Bonnie1990
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Life sure does have a way of kicking you in the ass
In regards to leaving oh if he won't do de and that he "lied"-I was thinking...and I know your hurting but I'm sure neither of you anticipated this. Never even considered the need for de. And maybe that is what is freaking him out the most. Maybe that is where he draws the line. I don't know. I'm probably talking out of my ass and its the last you want to hear. But if you leave him, do it becuase you don't love him and and don't want to be with him. Leaving him for lying when neither of you knew the complexity of the situation and starting over? I think it will lead to more regrets-not peace. Unless there is someone waiting in the sidelines to go swiftly run with you and your dreams I think it would be for the wrong reasons. But again. Just my opinion and god knows everyone has one!
In regards to leaving oh if he won't do de and that he "lied"-I was thinking...and I know your hurting but I'm sure neither of you anticipated this. Never even considered the need for de. And maybe that is what is freaking him out the most. Maybe that is where he draws the line. I don't know. I'm probably talking out of my ass and its the last you want to hear. But if you leave him, do it becuase you don't love him and and don't want to be with him. Leaving him for lying when neither of you knew the complexity of the situation and starting over? I think it will lead to more regrets-not peace. Unless there is someone waiting in the sidelines to go swiftly run with you and your dreams I think it would be for the wrong reasons. But again. Just my opinion and god knows everyone has one!
PositiveUs
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I don't think oh and I have very good communitcation skills. We are working on it. Last night he said he would do DE but that was during a football game hanging out w his friends drinking beers. So I don't trust that comment, not that he was drunk at all, but I still prefer a completely sober answer. I think he feels I will leave him if he doesn't agree to have kids in some fashion. I mean, what if we had no choice but to adopt? Some couples have to do that, and they do it! I may have a chance to do something even "better" than that if you could call it that, no offense to anyone adopting.
I was sitting there last night at about 7pm after dinner, alone with the dogs, not enough energy to knit or draw or paint or do artwork, just enough energy to have made dinner, did the dishes and laid down playing w the dogs. Then by 9pm I thought how wonderful it would be to have a baby to take care of or eventually a 1 and 2 and 3 year old and 12 year old, as they grow up. Then I thought about the alternative. Me sitting there night after night, year after year, then I'm 41, then 43, then 45, then 47 and nothing, no one to take care of. No one to impart my knowledge of what I have learned, no one to hold me when I need someone too. No one but OH and of course dogs die too early. Our parents will die, aunts and uncles may die, and all around us will be friends and their families and we will be home alone with nothing but the stupid tv. F**k that! For real. Screw that life. I'm not gonna work the same stupid job and do the same thing and live in the same town and not have any excitement or anything to look forward to. I would rather run away and backpack the world and risk being killed by foreigners.
I was sitting there last night at about 7pm after dinner, alone with the dogs, not enough energy to knit or draw or paint or do artwork, just enough energy to have made dinner, did the dishes and laid down playing w the dogs. Then by 9pm I thought how wonderful it would be to have a baby to take care of or eventually a 1 and 2 and 3 year old and 12 year old, as they grow up. Then I thought about the alternative. Me sitting there night after night, year after year, then I'm 41, then 43, then 45, then 47 and nothing, no one to take care of. No one to impart my knowledge of what I have learned, no one to hold me when I need someone too. No one but OH and of course dogs die too early. Our parents will die, aunts and uncles may die, and all around us will be friends and their families and we will be home alone with nothing but the stupid tv. F**k that! For real. Screw that life. I'm not gonna work the same stupid job and do the same thing and live in the same town and not have any excitement or anything to look forward to. I would rather run away and backpack the world and risk being killed by foreigners.
Bonnie1990
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Have you ever considered fostering?
That could lead to adoption and could be fulfilling for you considering your family history.
That could lead to adoption and could be fulfilling for you considering your family history.
BabyBean14
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PositiveUs
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I have looked into fostering and OH won't do it and idk that I would do that or adopt. My counselor said that she worked in the foster care system and said that they don't disclose the real information about the kids and their families and that you end up with some real hard to deal with cases. I am not into that at all.
But DE would allow me to actually be pregnant and breast feed and that's pretty darn cool. If it's not my actual DNA, then so be it! I will still grow it and provide all it's nutrients and blood supply. That's good enough for me!
So I did opk just because I felt the signs of O and it was positive on like day 17 of my cycle which is totally thrown off by these stim meds. We BD'd sunday. Then I went for annual PAP yesterday and the doc said that CP and EWCM look totally like O and to have sex that night, so we did. I keep thinking that with all the meds I took a couple weeks ago might still be in my system and helped my follicles grow or that my follicles grew more on their own since the 17th and then O was late and that the follicles could be viable; I can't stop believing it's possible! It's like magical thinking! I hate it! Seriously, I have like a less than 1% chance naturally so why do I keep thinking this! It's my biological clock that gives me all this hope. It's crazy how the brain works.
I spoke with the FS this morning and she said that she does not want to label me as perimenapausal at this point. We will try another mini ivf cycle when I get my period and then talk about DE. I still want to try again on my own before moving to DE, I can't help it.
I don't want to leave OH. I think the hormones are really taking over my body, I am a mess. After washing a dish last night I put it in the drainer so hard that it broke clean in half; I was thinking angry thoughts and it just happened.
Again, thanks for listening!
But DE would allow me to actually be pregnant and breast feed and that's pretty darn cool. If it's not my actual DNA, then so be it! I will still grow it and provide all it's nutrients and blood supply. That's good enough for me!
So I did opk just because I felt the signs of O and it was positive on like day 17 of my cycle which is totally thrown off by these stim meds. We BD'd sunday. Then I went for annual PAP yesterday and the doc said that CP and EWCM look totally like O and to have sex that night, so we did. I keep thinking that with all the meds I took a couple weeks ago might still be in my system and helped my follicles grow or that my follicles grew more on their own since the 17th and then O was late and that the follicles could be viable; I can't stop believing it's possible! It's like magical thinking! I hate it! Seriously, I have like a less than 1% chance naturally so why do I keep thinking this! It's my biological clock that gives me all this hope. It's crazy how the brain works.
I spoke with the FS this morning and she said that she does not want to label me as perimenapausal at this point. We will try another mini ivf cycle when I get my period and then talk about DE. I still want to try again on my own before moving to DE, I can't help it.
I don't want to leave OH. I think the hormones are really taking over my body, I am a mess. After washing a dish last night I put it in the drainer so hard that it broke clean in half; I was thinking angry thoughts and it just happened.
Again, thanks for listening!
PositiveUs
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How are you doing Bonnie?
BabyBean14
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Bonnie1990
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Better really. These drugs really f with your emotions. I took sa results very hard and DB being so obstinate. I was also majorly sleep deprived. I don't know how I will be in a normal month.
I'm not optimistic this cycle as we only bd once and I ov late so it was 2 days before ov. And it had been almost a week before for him that I know of-so no fresh swimmers.
Next month I think I'll skip the clomid. Looks like my ov will run into a visitation weekend so it would be a waste of time.
DB and communicate better about some of these things via email. He is very logical and I very emotional so it seems to work out better. Strange I know.
Our last email was that he didn't want to do any supplements, procedures or treatments. So I replied we just see what happens then. That was it so I will continue clomid and try to time bd as best as I can and hope for the best. He says I want this more than him. I think he doesn't want to admit it. He was so excited when we started. I think he is feeling it too. Maybe he will come around after some time as I think IUI would be a huge help
I'm not optimistic this cycle as we only bd once and I ov late so it was 2 days before ov. And it had been almost a week before for him that I know of-so no fresh swimmers.
Next month I think I'll skip the clomid. Looks like my ov will run into a visitation weekend so it would be a waste of time.
DB and communicate better about some of these things via email. He is very logical and I very emotional so it seems to work out better. Strange I know.
Our last email was that he didn't want to do any supplements, procedures or treatments. So I replied we just see what happens then. That was it so I will continue clomid and try to time bd as best as I can and hope for the best. He says I want this more than him. I think he doesn't want to admit it. He was so excited when we started. I think he is feeling it too. Maybe he will come around after some time as I think IUI would be a huge help
BabyBean14
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Bonnie1990
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First hurdle!
Just got him to order fertility blend and coq10!
Just got him to order fertility blend and coq10!
BabyBean14
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Yay!!
PositiveUs
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Bonnie- Wow!!!!
See, he does want to make himself better! It's like a challenge now! I heard maca's good for men too and of course vitamin b and zinc.
Sometimes it does take people time to come around. The first time I thought of DE I was like "no way" "that's ludicrous", but now I am more open to an idea I NEVER thought I would be.
You can even do research on foods good for SA and make them for him.
My chart looks crazy and even though the opk was positive a couple days ago and the gyn said EWCM and O-like CP, I still have my doubts as to what is really going on. I will still temp anyway.
I wish for a miracle for all of us, one tiny miracle at a time!!!
See, he does want to make himself better! It's like a challenge now! I heard maca's good for men too and of course vitamin b and zinc.
Sometimes it does take people time to come around. The first time I thought of DE I was like "no way" "that's ludicrous", but now I am more open to an idea I NEVER thought I would be.
You can even do research on foods good for SA and make them for him.
My chart looks crazy and even though the opk was positive a couple days ago and the gyn said EWCM and O-like CP, I still have my doubts as to what is really going on. I will still temp anyway.
I wish for a miracle for all of us, one tiny miracle at a time!!!
Bonnie1990
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I will settle for this as a start.
He opened the door to his non FDA approved excuse asking me about a workout supplement. So it killed his argument and he couldn't logic his way out of it this time!
He opened the door to his non FDA approved excuse asking me about a workout supplement. So it killed his argument and he couldn't logic his way out of it this time!
PositiveUs
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I drank beer last night and had a couple cigarettes and I am feeling guilty; I even felt guilty while doing it. I probably had 4 over the course of 4 hours. I did this last week too after finding out that ivf was cancelled. This cannot become a weekly thing or I will definately ruin any remote chances I have. It's kind of hard when there are all people around you that drink beers like it's no big deal. They don't get wasted, it's just like having a soda to them. I did so good for so long.Oh well, today is a new day...
Got to hold my closest girlfriend's 6 week old and 2 year old yesterday and looking forward (jk) to my other girlfriend's baby shower in 2 weeks. OMG. It's all around me. I will have a baby, damnit! somehow.
Take care all!!!!
Bonnie1990
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Don't kick yourself. We all have to cut loose on occasion or will go totally 
