4th IVF Failed Today! What The hell do I do?

[Nayla82]

After waiting a long 15 Months to start IVF 4, I just got my result back HCG not even 2! I am so messed up in the head right now and so Confused! I ate well, i made more eggs than i have ever in the past! my hormones were great! I thought this was the one!

They have all been fresh cycles and paid by us for negatives! Do i even want to think about a 5th one! No, not now anyway I just feel that life has been squeezed out of me! my husband is a wreck in one room and I am just thinking what the hell do i do now? Adoption? keep going through this shit? i just dont know where we go through here. I have prayed so so hard to the Lord that the Angels must have said to God give her a break shes prayed so hard!! I mean nothing at all, never had a chemical a 'might' nothing.. been married over 5 years never used contraception had 4 Failed IVFS and NEVER BEEN PREGNANT

I was on everything! Clexane injections, Asprin, Steriods, Intraplids, Estrofem, Progestertone, All 11 embryos had PGD, full biopsy, the 'best' went back and a No I am shaking as i type.. (the money we paid for the additional stuff and the head embryologist telling us we had a grade 1 beauty in us!!) Where is that grade one beauty now!!!?? coming out of me in the next few days?? seriously!!?? The happiness ALL the optimism! leaving the clinic floating thinking this is it for us!!?? giggling with the nurses asking them do they have good feelings about my cycle!!?? and them saying 'yes your cycle has been perfect!' All that was just bull shit!! My arm is so purple and sore being connected to the drip for 3 hours thinking its nutrients for my baby! What baby!!?? like a fool hobbled around the house thinking i was pregnant! like a fool i would show my husband baby stuff we will get! like a fool i had convinced myself the baby has snuggled in well and telling myself that my skin and hair looks better, and staring at the veins on my chest swearing that i have never seen them before!! Having cold showers thinking the heat will not help the environment! Showing my husband my little bloated stomach saying it will be huge in a few months! and what for a no!! I just feel like a laughing stock! i feel that my home is laughing at me! the nurses are! i just feel like a pathetic failure!!


NOW WHAT I FOOL I HAVE BEEN! i should have known better! i should have protected myself from this day! i have been here too many times now!! i just thought MAYBE new clinic, we paid so much money and that additional stuff is what we needed??

I just feel like punching my stomach so so hard!! the same area that i have been stroking and visualising implantation, the damn zita west CD me repeating all that bull crap... I mean were suppose to be a simple case! yet its plain to see were not!

so so so so so hurt right, i am damaged mentally, physically, emotionally, i am just a mess. IVF is a messed up method when it does not work!

Doctor said test again in two days is he for real!!?? i am 14 days past egg collection 9 days past 5 day blast! and HCG is not even a 2!! Do i want to inject my belly longer with Clexane ( i dont even recognise my stomach no more!) or swallow more drugs??! No! been here and those damn number will not move! but the FOOL that I am I guess I will listen and continue to inflict pain on myself, and watch the 1.5 might be a 1.8 on Monday, who knows?

I know time is a healer, but i dont know if it can be this time! like a plastic ruler i have truly felt my mind body and spirit just snap in 2

i just want a baby, just one baby than im done..

Will i be the women that gets pregnant on her 5th 6th 7th try? Has anyone got pregnant on their 5th go? I am just 30 with 4 failed IVFS and what was suppose to be just a male factor is turning into something so messed up.

My poor husband is a mess, never seen him so so angry and upset, i have never seen him punch a door in my life and his knuckles are all red sore, and now i am worried for his mental health. Hes just took the car keys and off he went!! I pray he will be ok, It is a very shit place to be in. We are good people bursting with love, yet this today? Making a baby was suppose to be a fun, exciting time in our lives, BUT ITS NOT! I feel like saying to every pregnant women and every mother out there THAT YOU ARE SO SO SO BLESSED, Other people are killing themselves to have that experience, its such a magical thing to be a mom, and i guess it just happens to the SPECIAL ones that God deems worthy of being a mom. I try and think why not me?

Im scared to death of being that women, that IVF just does not work for. Theres a small % that it just does not happen for, and with my track record watch it be me!!

I have just come in here to vent, hoping that someone can give me hope that it will get better and their is success out there.. I am so so angry right now and upset, Really is this a joke? was this how my life was mapped out?

I just feel this weekend is going to be a long one..

 

[highhopes2013]

I am so so sorry it hasn't worked for u again. I don't know what anyone can say to make it better really. It sucks. I went through ivf and it worked and then I miscarried so I can totally relate to how you felt all hopeful and excited and then it all came crashing down around you. Try to be kind to yourself, your body has been through so much recently. X

 

[Denisia]

I am so sorry Nayla. Your post it is exactly how I feel, I can put my name under each word. Last week our 3rd ICSI cycle failed. Next week I will be 36 years old and I am not looking forward to my birthday. I work in school and see children each day. All staff know about my fertility problem because I broke down with tears one day. Yesterday my boss allowed me go home early because a teacher (who gave birth to twins girls recently) planned to visit school. Today another teacher texted me that she is pregnant. Life is not fair. We didn't do enything wrong. We met each other 5.5 years ago and since then trying for baby. I know your pain. I know it is hard, but don't lose hope. Only time will heal our pain.

 

[bugs]

I'm so sorry to read this, I haven't really been on the boards recently as I feel like I'm in a different league to the ladies on here but felt like I had to comment. As you can see from my siggy we've just had a blighted ovum after cycle #6. All my cycles have been fresh not a frostie in sight but believe me if you can fund it you will find the strength to go again but if you don't you will need to think of a new plan. It sounds like you've had all the tests done so not really sure what to suggest there. If you go on the fertility friends website on the immunology section there is a fantastic A-Z guide by a wonderful lady called Agate she provides some amazing information so maybe there is something there that could help.

I have had some counselling after my most recent fail and it really has helped. I hope you can find the strength to get through what can only be described as the most shittiest awful and depressing time of your life and find a way forward. Don't feel like your on your own because you are most definately not xxxxx

 

[bettybee1]

Am so so so sorry for how you must be feeling I really can't comprehend too wat your going threw at all sweetie !!! All I want too say is that my auntie went through 7 ivfs and 5fets too get her twins it can happen !!!

Have you had the endo stratch done ? Before you have had treatment ? Xxx

 

[africaqueen]

Nayla- I am so sorry you are so broken by this. To go through multiple fails is awful. We are in the process of our 3rd cycle now as i have lost both fallopian tubes to ectopics in 2010. What i will say to give you hope, my mum and dad tried for a baby for 10yrs and my mum was told she would never have a baby and then she had me! after 10yrs ttc. She was 35 when i was born. NEVER lose hope. Where there is life, there is hope.
You are devastated now but things will feel better over time and you still have a chance of a natural BFP. Never say never. IF it does not happen, you have many options. Please stay strong. I know all the emotion you are feeling as i have been there but there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. Big hugs xxx

 

[LynQ]

I cannot comprehend the pain you are going through and my heart goes out to you. It is the worst feeling when a cycle fails having just had my 3rd attempt fail also. Each time it gets harder and harder I know and I have been where you are. I am also 30 and really believed when I started ivf that I would be one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant on the first go but fast forward 3 cycles later I am still childless having had no response in all my cycles. They say age should be with us being young but my ovaries can't even produce 1 egg. I've been told my ovaries are the volume of a 70yr old. Having to come to terms with the fact that my ovaries are no longer functioning normally is the worst feeling. Even now I still find it hard to deal with and have hope when i know modern medicine can no longer help me conceive.
All that we can do is be strong and keep trying and hope that it will work in our favor for once.

 

[Nayla82]

First of all thank you so much ladies for your kind words, love and support, and encouraging words.. and reading everyones messages I can see its not been easy for any one and i know the pain i have felt and still feeling happens sadly on a daily basis when it comes to infertility..

I pray so hard to the Lord that you all get the baby that you truly deserve and i pray the lord gives us the strength to keep going and going..

We all have friends family around us that are pregnant with new borns and all we can do is watch on the sideline and it kills The worse thing about it all is the ones that fail IVF time and time again are the most loving people who are in the most happiest relationship out there, and I have heard women say 'if the first IVF does not work Im happy what will be will be' and they get pregnant first time round, for me being a mom is NOT even a option! its like I NEED it to happen so so badly

I just got a call from the clinic my HCG Today is 0.55 i knew it was a no but having it said twice is very painful. I stop all meds from today and my period should come.. im in a very very dark place right now.. and im confused on what we do next. Its like if i stop the meds i feel like im killing my baby?? even though im not pregnant! (thats how messed i am in the head) I have seen therapist councilers, hypnotherapist after my 3rd IVF failed i was a mess, now im thinking what a load of rubbish and more wasted cash! my husband will never speak to anyone about this..

4th failed cycle few days back i still dont know about a 5th one and when? at a push financially we will kill ourselves but i am sure we can come with the funds, but do i want all this 2ww and pain again? its like im killing myself while im still living if it makes sense??

WE DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE and what scares me is what will they say for the 5th one?? they really made out we would get a positive i wish they keep their statistic to themselves.. if they can have a camera installed in homes where a couple have just failed an IVF cycle and see how RAW the pain is and how screwed our lifes are for many days weeks and months later!! they will think twice before saying '70% this is it!' we leave the clinic and maybe they will mutter 'sad for them better luck next time' were the ones on the long drive home.. were the ones crying ourselves to sleep! our pain continues after the closing time of the clinic.. my husband always says it were just a file number nothing else! and sometimes i feel hes right..

 

[bettybee1]

am really sorry hunnie i think if you have the money go for it !!!!

can i ask how come you have done 4 fresh cycles havent you ever had any to freeze xxx

 

[Nayla82]

even though they say strong embryos it seems theres never enough to freeze they slow down along the way and the 4th one was heavily biopsied and they get too damaged along the way and not many make it to freezing point.. just so unfortunate, and IVF is like playing russian roulette with embryos some make it some dont.. Its very very hard when it fails time and time again and still NO real reasons why?? they say now after 6 cycles a women falls pregnant, was 3 before now 6??.. some people say its the survival of the fittest how long will a women fight for?? I am very determined to be a mom, i feel battered in every sense possible.. right now a 5th one scares me to death,, i dont know how i will feel a few months down the line.. we could have bought a bigger house, a new car, so many things but nothing just emotional scars we gained

 

[Ewa_cn]

Nayla,

First of all, I am very sorry it did not work.
I do not post here often, but your post moved me and I have to tell you my thoughts on this.

Have you considered a surrogate? (I am asking because you paid for 4 IVFs so I assume money is not an issue) I have read a lot of things about surrogates in India, as one of my clients has done it. It is way cheaper than in the US (cost in the US - around 60k-80k, India -10k). It is something to think about...Those guys have LOTS of practice and excellent staff.

I am nowhere near surrogacy as I just had my first IUI done two days ago, but I am a kind of person who plans ahead and likes to know my options. And if things did not go my way, I would definitely consider it.

If you have any questions, please let me know. DO NOT GIVE UP, EVER.

HUGS,

Ewa

 

[Nayla82]

Hi Ewa thank you for your post, i have not really thought about surrogacy as i feel my uterus has never been in question. I have seen a handful of doctors and Gynaecologist in the last few years and i always get 'perfect uterus perfect lining perfect size, text book in every form possible, this uterus is crying out for a good embryo than were done, couldn't ask for a better uterus" "now this is what a perfect uterus looks like"

if it has ever been in question it might cross my mind, but the fact that NO ONE has ever said anything about my uterus that it MAY even be a issue NOTHING.

If they have said that it has too many scars.. too many polyps..too many cysts natural killer cells are high. lining too thin.. it looks too weak, its crumbling apart of course i will think damn maybe "another" women can carry my baby. I know 100% my uterus is just as workable as all the surrogate women out there.

The reason were doing IVF is because of my husbands v v low sperm numbers, I have never been in question. Now I have had 4 failed IVFS with a question mark on why? MAYBE its the embryo qualities? and again putting abnormal embryos into a surrogate women it will not implant?

I want to be pregnant, i want to feel the pain at child birth, if someone says theres no other way but to use another womens uterus than so be it. At the moment a surragate is at the very end of my list, and the doctors say theres NO REAL reason why i have not fallen pregnant and i can easily carry a baby.

when i dont know why its not happened i dont know why should i let someone else carry my baby when theres nothing wrong with me?

its still very early days at the moment, and my period has just come in full force this morning, didnt think i would see a period till next year.. again my period is perfect 27 days, always a healthy flow, my hormones are always great.. the thought of using a surrogate when theres nothing wrong with me kills.. its like saying to a man or a women that have super strong eggs ot super strong sperms, we will use a doner, they will say 'what do you mean? theres nothing wrong with me for bringing in a 3rd party'

If its been CONFIRMED eggs poor, sperms poor, Uterus damage by all means use our instincts and do what we can do get that baby.. BUT if everything if fine why touch something else??

its just a v v crap place to be in, thank you so much on your thoughts, even after 4 IVF im sure surragacy is still a last resort for many women

 

[bettybee1]

Maybe try ivf 1 more time ! Maybe move docters ?! Then I that fails talk too your hubby about sperm donor of he is the one with the issue
My hubby has bad sperm as a result of an accident in afgan, now we have said we will do 4-5ivfs then if they fail we will move into donor sperm iui ,xxxxxx

 

[mk1990]

I am just 23 and hubby 33. married since 4 years and never been preggo. when i was 21, we decided to do IUI cuz as soon as we started to try for a baby my periods went missing, we thought i was preggo in the first go and it turned out i had PCOs. so we started IUI asap. all BFNs and then after 2 IUIs we decided lets try IVF . we really didnt know what a bad roller coaster ride were we jumping into. we thought it was a joke and life was always so complete that we believed at such young ages of 21 and 31 we will make ot immediately.

After 2 failed ICSIs, we felt something really was wrong and i was hit badly. bad attitudes from his parents also demoralised me. we continued with 2 IUIs a year after dropping treatment. we were back thinking we will make it, pcos reports were much better and most importantly the positive attitudes helped us. belief in the Lord also made me go for IUI cuz now we didnt have enough money to spend unlike before when his parents were paying for us . I believed my Lord wont burden me more than my financial health. However it didnt work.

We saved every penny we could (very poor miserable times) and i gave in lots of my saved cash for my treatment ... days i had never seen before when i would b financing my hubby. we went through a 3rd ICSI and tht failed. then again after 3 months a fourth icsi. ths time my reports were briliant, no sign of PCOs and absolutely fertile reports. felt like a miracle. transferred 8 celled 3 embryos and yet it FAILED. we are demoralised but my faith in religion is stronger than ever. what we may not like is actually only for our best interests. so im taking it like it
might have resulted in abnormal babies so it didnt happen.

My hubby and i are totally in love and we cant live a minute without eachother... but we feel we want to raise a lovely family and that will be more amazing ... but it seems like the roller coaster ride has not ended yet and it seems very long...

I just need a few good friends to talk to.

Nayla how are you????? i guess we should talk..

 

[KatherineA]

Hi Nayla

So sorry to hear of your 4th cycle failing today. I just found out yesterday that our third cycle had failed and it is the worst feeling in the world and my heart goes out to you.

Arrange a review appointment with your consultant and see what they say, and give yourself time to heal. As Africa Queen said, try not to give up hope. There are so many miracle stories on here and beyond.

Be good to yourself and take it easy. Thinking of you xxx

 

[Sandy83]

Hi Nayla,

Just read your story and wanted to say I'm thinking about you!

I can totally relate to what you are going through I've had 4 fresh cycle and 1 frozen cycle and all failed with no sign of implantation I think the highest score was a 4. On top of all this DH's Lymphoma has returned so under going chemo at the moment. We actually got 2 frosties from the last cycle so next cycle will be frozen but don't know how much hope i have for it to work.

Life is so unfair at times and is hard to find the strength to go on but we are all strong ladies and will get through this. Even tho my hope of this working is starting to get less and less I am still not at the point of giving up on it yet and hope you aren't either xx

 

[Briss]

Nayla, I know it's an old thread but wondered how you were?

we also have male factor and have had 2 failed IVFs. I also have high FSh so even getting a good response from IVf is hard. I was thinking what other things you could try. We have also tried everything under the sun but most recently we found a very good urologist who has put my DH on hormonal treatment. I do not have his updated SA yet but I am so hoping there is an improvement. have you had any discussion with a urologist as to whether it's possible to do anything about your DH's sperm? we were told by FS that nothing can be done and IVf is our only option, I tried TCM and tonnes of vitamins which did not have any effect but this is the first time we are trying hormones.

Did your DH do any genetic tastings? or DNA fragmentation test? also, have you had IMSI? that's what we are considering for our next IVF cos I have a feeling our failures are due to sperm quality and as far as I know IMSi is the only way to pick a better quality sperm for ICSI. I am personally against genetic testing of embryos (unless there is a real risk of genetic illness being passed on) cos I think it just damages the embryo as there are no safe ways to do it currently (I think they have not yet started testing the embryo's waste, so they take a sell from the embryo).

If you had all 4 IVFs in the same clinic then definitely change the clinic. There must be a reason why it's not working out and maybe a different clinic will manage to discover and fix it. That's what we are doing as well after 2 failed cycles. I am also thinking of going abroad

Every failed IVF is hard but I feel like we have no choice but to pick ourselves up and carry on trying. I mean I have days and even weeks when I am so depressed about the whole thing (we've been TTC 4 longs years and my age is becoming an issue) that I simply cant see any point in doing anything but then (obviously with lots of help and encouragement from my B&B friends) I gradually go back into TTC routine and try new things and hope and hope and hope

 

[Sandy83]

Sorry didn't realise this was an old thread next time I'll read the dates!!!! Ooops

 

[gsn2014]

Hi everybody,

I know very well that this is an old thread and i m sorry to again activate a zombie thread, but i was curious to know how many of you have got success after multiple failed IVf's
Nayla82, did you finally get success.
I have recently failed my 4th transfer and am very depressed. i don't know what to do next
Any help would be appreciated.
thanks!!

 

[MoBaby]

Took 6 transfers for us