missmyboys
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- Oct 7, 2012
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On the 8th May 2012 at 19:15 and 19:17, I lost my beautiful twin boys due to an infection in my placenta. I was 22 weeks along. Nothing could have prepared me for the lost of my precious little boys, the ones that I have waited two years for. They were and still are my whole world. I have never experienced love like I feel for my sons, Harley and Franky. I did everything my doctor told me to. I never went near anything that would harm them. I was extremely over protective and would never take the chance with their safety and health.
Every day is a struggle. A struggle to get out of bed, to get dressed for work, to put a smile on my face and to try and hide the fact that I am really not ok.
The whole time at the hospital, they told me I was going to have my babies and they weren't going to survive. I lay in the hospital bed for 5 hours, in labour knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop my stupid body from killing my babies who were healthy, with strong heart beats. I feel like such a failure and the guilt eats at me every single day. I hate myself more than I have hated anything or anybody and feel like I don't deserve anything that will make me happy. I feel uncomfortable around my family because I know they love me and I feel guilty that they do. How could I let this happen to the two little angels that were relying on me to keep them safe? How could I hurt my family like I did? And my poor husband, he has to live with me, I am a horrible person. I don't deserve the people I have in my life, especially not my husband.
My babies are beautiful, the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. They were born alive and went to heaven in my arms shortly after they came into this world.
I miss them every day, every second. My heart is so broken and I don't think it will ever heal.
We had them cremated together and I have their ashes next to our bed. I could never let them go. I still smell them and see their faces when I close my eyes.
The day they were cremated, there were rainbows everywhere. My family saw two rainbows together over the ocean on their way home. I saw the biggest brightest rainbow on our way home too. Every time I see them I think of my sons. One day on my way home from work, I suddenly decided to take another route home. As I was driving through these beautiful hills I saw a huge rainbow and I know that they were there with me. I drive that way every day now with the hopes that I will have my babies close to me again.
We will only be trying for another baby early next year. I have always wanted to be a mom. When I was little, if I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always the same: a mom. I am a mom.. with angel babies.
I love you Harley and Franky, you both are my heart and soul and I miss you every single day for the rest of my life.
Every day is a struggle. A struggle to get out of bed, to get dressed for work, to put a smile on my face and to try and hide the fact that I am really not ok.
The whole time at the hospital, they told me I was going to have my babies and they weren't going to survive. I lay in the hospital bed for 5 hours, in labour knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop my stupid body from killing my babies who were healthy, with strong heart beats. I feel like such a failure and the guilt eats at me every single day. I hate myself more than I have hated anything or anybody and feel like I don't deserve anything that will make me happy. I feel uncomfortable around my family because I know they love me and I feel guilty that they do. How could I let this happen to the two little angels that were relying on me to keep them safe? How could I hurt my family like I did? And my poor husband, he has to live with me, I am a horrible person. I don't deserve the people I have in my life, especially not my husband.
My babies are beautiful, the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. They were born alive and went to heaven in my arms shortly after they came into this world.
I miss them every day, every second. My heart is so broken and I don't think it will ever heal.
We had them cremated together and I have their ashes next to our bed. I could never let them go. I still smell them and see their faces when I close my eyes.
The day they were cremated, there were rainbows everywhere. My family saw two rainbows together over the ocean on their way home. I saw the biggest brightest rainbow on our way home too. Every time I see them I think of my sons. One day on my way home from work, I suddenly decided to take another route home. As I was driving through these beautiful hills I saw a huge rainbow and I know that they were there with me. I drive that way every day now with the hopes that I will have my babies close to me again.
We will only be trying for another baby early next year. I have always wanted to be a mom. When I was little, if I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always the same: a mom. I am a mom.. with angel babies.
I love you Harley and Franky, you both are my heart and soul and I miss you every single day for the rest of my life.
