A "fair" parenting plan for an infant?

[LilBean2010]

Hi Ladies...I have been absent from here for a LONG time as have had lots of pre-term labor issues but all is now calm for my body and I am scheduled for a c-section in 2 weeks, 6 days!

I have drafted a "parenting plan" for offered it to FOB - we went back and forth a few times and this is my "last offer" before I tell him to take me to court. I "gave" on a lot of issues, as I am trying to be civil, but don't feel I should give any more... What do you think? We can't agree to anything after LO is 3, as he is demanding 50/50 as of that time and it would never work given his job and the distance between homes so we have left the plan from Infant - 35 months.

Do you think this is "fair?" Sorry...it's long!

Parenting Plan:

.... agree to the following terms and conditions of the parenting plan for the upcoming birth of the child conceived during their relationship (herein after referred to as Sullivan) and with an estimated due date of September 17, 2010.


Parties:

My name... (herein after referred to as Mother) will have primary physical custody and primary residence of Sullivan.

Dad's name... (herein after referred to as Father) will have secondary physical custody and parenting time of Sullivan.

Mother and Father will share joint legal custody.

Purpose:

Both Mother and Father agree that the parenting plan contained herein will be effective from infancy through 35 months of age. The terms and conditions of the parenting plan will be re-negotiated at or before 36 months of age based on the changing needs of Sullivan.

Both Mother and Father agree that the purpose of this parenting plan is to set forth clear boundaries and expectations as they relate to the care and well-being of Sullivan - placing his well being and physical, mental, emotional, social and intellectual security as the number one priority at all times.

Both Mother and Father agree to support and facilitate, wherever possible, Sullivan’s continuing relationship with the other parent, so long as it continues to be in the best interest of Sullivan for such facilitation to take place.

Both Mother and Father agree to support and facilitate, wherever possible, Sullivan’s continuing relationship with blood relatives on both sides of the family to include siblings, grandparents, etc so long as it continues to be in the best interest of Sullivan for such facilitation to take place.

Conduct:

Both Mother and Father agree to keep their interactions – in the presence of Sullivan - with each other, family, friends and associated peaceful and free of conflict, criticism or other negative attitudes which will affect the well being of Sullivan. Any concerns or issues will be discussed outside of the presence of Sullivan or any other children under 18 years of age.

Both Mother and Father agree that neither party will speak in an ill, negative, inappropriate or in any way derogatory fashion about the other parent or any blood relative of the other parent, at any time. Both Mother and Father further agree that they will not allow any family, friend or associate to speak in an ill, negative, inappropriate or derogatory fashion about the other parent, or any blood relative of the other parent, at any time. Both Mother and Father agree this would be detrimental to the well being of Sullivan.

Both Mother and Father agree that second hand smoke or exposure to tobacco products is unhealthy for a child and can result in long term health problems. At no time will the Mother or Father smoke any products or use tobacco, or allow any products to be smoked or used, in the presence of Sullivan or where the residual smoke/tobacco products could negatively affect his health and well being.

Both Mother and Father agree not to consume alcohol while Sullivan is in their sole care as it would impact their ability to respond to his needs, transport him to medical care if needed and provide sound judgment relating to his well being.

Both Mother and Father agree that neither party will use ANY illegal drugs (street or prescription) at any time. In addition, Mother and Father agree that at no time will either party allow anyone who is under the influence of illegal drugs (street or prescription) to be around Sullivan at any time.

Both Mother and Father agree to remain law abiding citizens. Any arrests that have the potential to affect the well being of Sullivan will be reported to the other parent. This includes but is not limited to DUI/DWI, Assault, Domestic Violence or any drug related charges.


Parenting Time Schedule and Considerations:

Considerations for visitation and parenting time will be as follows:
• In addition to frequent and liberal parenting time, Mother agrees to keep Father informed of any lessons, sports or other extracurricular activities Sullivan participates in and encourage Father to attend these events whenever possible.
• Both Mother and Father agree to notify each other within no more than 30 minutes of Sullivan becoming ill or injured requiring medical attention while in their care. Both Mother and Father will have the right to be with Sullivan while being cared for by emergent medical professionals, regardless of whose parenting time it is.
• Both Mother and Father agree to maintain and exchange a log of any medications given to Sullivan during parenting time indicating time, dosage and reason for administration. This log will prevent any duplication of medications and allow any scheduled doses for future time to be given without risk of overlap or overdose.
• Both Mother and Father agree that Sullivan will only be transported in an approved child safety seat manufactured within the past 7 years and free from any past vehicle accidents until such a time as he is at least 8 years old and 80 lbs. Upon 8 years and 80 lbs, Sullivan will continue to ride in a seat belt at all times. At no time will Sullivan be transported without proper vehicle restraint systems.
• Both parties agree breast feeding is in the child’s best interest and neither Mother nor Father will take any action to interfere with Sullivan’s ability to breast-feed for as long as is medically beneficial and recommended.
• Scheduled parenting time will be scheduled on a monthly basis. Schedule will be provided no later than the 25th of the month for the upcoming month. Any conflicts in schedule will be negotiated between Mother and Father and all changes agreed to no later than the last day of each month for the upcoming month.
• Mother and Father will be the only parties to provide transportation to or from parenting time. NO third party will be charged with picking up or dropping off Sullivan in the other parent’s absence for the purpose of parenting time exchanges, except in the event of an unexpected emergency.
• Mother and Father agree to remain flexible in scheduling parenting time.
• Unless otherwise noted, parenting time will end no later than 7:00 pm to allow both households to settle in before bedtime.
• Overnight parenting time will not be scheduled on days when Father is working for Police Department so long as his schedule continues to be 6 am until 4 pm. Overnight parenting time will not require Sullivan to be awakened prior to 6:30 am.
• Parenting time schedule will be as follows:

0-4 months:

I. Two hours every other day on non-consecutive days in the home of the residential parent.

ALL FUTURE TIMES WILL BE AWAY FROM SULLIVAN’S PRIMARY RESIDENCE

5-6 months:

I. Two hours, two days per week
II. Four hours, one day per week
All days will be non-consecutive

7-9 months:

I. Two hours, two days per week
II. Eight hours, one day per week
All days will be non-consecutive

10-12 months:

I. Two hours, two days per week
II. Ten hours, one day per week
All days will be non-consecutive

13-18 months:

I. Two hours, two days per week
II. Overnight from 4 pm – 10 am one day per week
All days will be non-consecutive

19-35 months:
I. Four Hours, one day per week
II. 24 hours, one day per week from 4 pm – 4 pm the following day
All days will be non-consecutive

Both Mother and Father agree that the above described overnight parenting time with the Father will be at the Father’s discretion. In the event overnight parenting time is not utilized – this will not be held against Father as a failure to make an effort to develop a strong bond and relationship so long as “daytime” parenting time is utilized on a regular basis. Additionally, overnight parenting time will be based on Sullivan’s adjustment. In the event Sullivan does not tolerate overnights – parents agree to renegotiate based on Sullivan’s adjustment.

Both Mother and Father agree that parenting time should above all else take Sullivan’s best interest to heart and promote a healthy, functional and happy relationship with both Mother and Father.

Right of First Refusal:

Both Mother and Father agree that the purpose of parenting time is to allow Sullivan to bond with Mother and Father. Prior to Sullivan being left with a babysitter, relative or any third party caregiver other than Mother or Father (paid or unpaid) for more than 60 minutes, Mother and Father agree that the first choice will be that Sullivan is cared for by the other parent during that time.

Contact, Travel, Location and Relocation:

Both Mother and Father agree to provide the other parent with current address, phone number, vehicle information, employer information and complete and truthful information about where the child will be located during each parent’s time with Sullivan. In the event either parent intends to travel with Sullivan, an itinerary will be provided listing destination and contact information for the entirety of the trip.

Both Mother and Father agree to allow the other parent phone, text or e-mail contact with the other parent to check on Sullivan’s well being during their parenting time. Both Mother and Father agree to respond within a reasonable amount of time.

Both Mother and Father agree to allow frequent phone contact with Sullivan, from the other parent or blood relatives, during his time with each respective parent.

Both Mother and Father agree that at no time will Sullivan be removed from the continental Unites States of America by either parent without the express written and notarized permission of the other parent. In the event BOTH parents do not agree to travel outside of the United States of America, travel will not take place. Violation of this provision will result in the immediate termination of all parenting time until such a time as a family court is able to make a reasonable determination as to the Sullivan’s best interest.

Both Mother and Father agree that they will notify the other party at least 60 days in advance of intent to relocate outside of the states of North Carolina or South Carolina.

Holidays and Birthdays:

Both Mother and Father agree they will negotiate holidays on a case by case basis with the exception of the below:

Father will have parenting time on Father’s Day

Mother will have parenting time on Mother’s Day

Father will have parenting time on Father’s Birthday

Mother will have parenting time on Mother’s birthday

Child’s birthday: Father will have parenting time from 3 pm on Sullivan’s birthday until 10 am the following day.

August 27: Mother will have parenting time from 6:00 pm on August 26 until 10 am on August 28 each year.

Thanksgiving will be alternated between parents as follows: 6 pm on the day prior to Thanksgiving until 2 pm on Thanksgiving/2 pm on Thanksgiving until 10 am on the day following Thanksgiving.

Christmas Eve: Father will have parenting time each year on Christmas Eve from 6 pm on 12/23 until 6 pm on 12/24.

Christmas Day: Mother will have parenting time each year on Christmas Day from 6 pm on 12/24 until 10 am on 12/26.

• Under 19 months of age, holiday parenting time will be determined based on the listed schedule and time restraints for each age range.
Holiday and special occasion parenting time will not be combined with “standard” parenting time. Standard parenting time will be forfeited based upon holiday parenting time.

Parenting Styles, Discipline and Religion:

Both Mother and Father agree to provide Sullivan with nutritious food and limit his exposure to high fat, high salt, sweet or fast food. Both Mother and Father agree they will teach Sullivan the value of a balanced diet and healthy nutrition.

Both Mother and Father agree to provide Sullivan with a loving atmosphere free from degrading remarks, personal criticism or abusive language that may negatively affect his physical, mental, emotional, social or intellectual development.

Both Mother and Father agree that for the duration of this parenting plan (infancy through 35 months), corporal punishment will not be used as Sullivan will be under 3 years of age and physical discipline would be inappropriate.

Both Mother and Father agree that Sullivan will be raised in the Christian faith. Neither parent will do anything to interfere with a Christian, moral and sound upbringing.

Child Support and Expenses:

Both Mother and Father agree that child support will be calculated using standard North Carolina Child Support Calculation worksheets. Child support will be calculated at the time of Sullivan’s birth and will be due on the fifteenth day of each month. Child support worksheets will be completed and notarized separately from this agreement, and become a legal part of this agreement as if they were included in the text. In the event Mother or Father have a substantial increase in income, child support worksheets will be re-calculated to determine if any adjustment is necessary.

Father agrees to place Sullivan on his health insurance from infancy and continue to provide insurance coverage for Sullivan.

Mother and Father agree to each pay one half of any medical, dental, vision or other necessary services provided to Sullivan that are not covered by insurance. This includes, but is not limited to, medical visits, insurance deductibles, eye glasses, orthodontic care, dental visits or other uncovered expenses.

Both Mother and Father agree that Sullivan will be claimed as follows for tax purposes: 2010, 2011 Mother, 2012 Father

Medical:

Both Mother and Father agree that in the event Sullivan is seriously ill (fever greater than 100.4 degrees, vomiting, excessive diarrhea or serious infection) he will remain in the home of the residential parent until such a time as he is medically better. Father will be encouraged to utilize 2 hours parenting time with Sullivan in the home of the residential parent during that time. The missed parenting time of Father will be made up as soon as it convenient for both parents and Sullivan is better. If requested, Mother agrees to provide Father with a medical note from Sullivan’s physician verifying illness.

Both Mother and Father agree major medical decisions that are life altering, physically altering or life threatening in nature will be jointly decided by both parents.

Morality and Step Parents:

Both Mother and Father agree that neither parent will expose Sullivan to any potential partner, boy friend or girlfriend unless the parent has maintained a committed relationship with that individual for at least the past three consecutive months.

Both Mother and Father agree that neither parent will have overnight guests of the opposite sex while Sullivan is in their care, unless parent has maintained a committed relationship with that individual for the past six consecutive months and the child sleeps in a separate bedroom.

Both Mother and Father agree that Sullivan will not be left in the care of any future partner of Mother or Father during parenting time. (see right of first refusal) Any desired interaction between Sullivan and a future partner of either Mother or Father will occur in the presence of the Mother or Father.
Both Mother and Father agree that at no time will Sullivan be allowed or encouraged to call any future partner of Mother or Father any name other than their first name. This includes Mother, Mommy, Father, Daddy, Mom, Dad or any other such name indicating a parental status. These names will be respected by both Mother and Father and reserved for the biological parents.

Dispute Resolution:

Both Mother and Father agree that any disputes arising out of this agreement will first try to be resolved through active and ongoing communication. Any disputes should be given in writing either by e-mail or certified mail. Any disputes that cannot be resolved through direct and open communication between Mother and Father will be handled through mediation prior to involving the family court system, unless Sullivan’s well being is in danger.
Any party wishing to initiate a dispute will work with the following protocol:

1.) Send a certified letter to the other parent indicating the nature of the dispute and their desired resolution. The other party will then have 10 days to respond with a certified letter and resolution of their own.

2.) If these two solutions cannot be combined to a successful resolution, the party initiating the dispute will contact a mediator who works with Parenting Plan Disputes and present the other parent with a minimum of three dates for dispute resolution through mediation.

3.) Both Mother and Father agree to participate actively and with an open mind in the dispute resolution process.

4.) If the Mediation is unsuccessful, the parent initiating the dispute may file a motion with the family court system and ask the case to be decided by a judge.

Invalid Provisions:

Both Mother and Father hereby agrees that the invalidation or void of one or more provision(s) of the Parenting Plan shall not affect the other provisions and this agreement will be construed and upheld in all other areas, aspects and provisions as if the invalid or unenforceable provision were omitted.

Superseding Effect:

Both Mother and Father agree this parenting plan supersedes any and all verbal or written agreements, if any, between Mother and Father and constitutes the entire agreement between the parties with regard to the formal parenting plan in place.

Modification of Parenting Plan:

Both Mother and Father agree the terms and conditions contained herein cannot be altered, added to, modified, superseded or otherwise changed without the notarized signature of both parents or the order of a Family Court Judge.



Notary witnessing Mother: Notary witnessing Father:

 

[MomHopes]

Yes I think this is very good.I think mine would be similar if I have to do this,however I believe 3 months would be too short a time for my chid to be introduced to any other dating partner of the father.I have a few other changes I would personally make as well, but this is great though as far as I see if you agree with it.

 

[suzanne108]

Personally I wouldn't like to have something so rigid in place at all.

Remember that Sullivan is a baby/young child and they don't always fit in with schedules.

But, if it is what you have both agreed on then yes it sounds OK.

 

[Aidedhoney]

Personally I wouldn't like to have something so rigid in place at all.

Remember that Sullivan is a baby/young child and they don't always fit in with schedules.

But, if it is what you have both agreed on then yes it sounds OK.

Agree with this, children have their own needs and sometimes its impossible for them to be met.........One thing that stood out was the notifying of medical needs within 30mins
My son has a medical condition and twice i have had to rush him to A n E and tbh my main concern was for him not for FOB.

Good luck hun i hope it works x

 

[billy2mm]

i think its good but the only part i would have a problem with is the bit where you have to provide a detailed itenary of where lo will be at all times with you and with fob. that is not realistic. what if you plan on going out to the zoo for eg then its bucketing down with rain so you decide to go to an indoor play area instead. you would need to tell him first and check that was ok or you would be in violation of the agreement and if he is working then he wouldnt be able to respond till alot later possibly too late. thats not workable.

 

[LittleMadam]

It's very well thought out but, as others have said, quite rigid. Perhaps, you should implement such an agreement after baby has arrived because, as others have pointed out, you'll know more of baby's routine then (for instance, when Sullivan eats, naps, etc) and can work around this. Also, you never know how you'll be (PND, anaemic, TIRED!!) and what baby will be like (colicky, a heavy feeder, suffer from acid reflux, or pyloric stenosis) so it is really important to be somewhat flexible in the first few months until you get to know yourself and baby, their habits, if LO has any medical issues as mentioned above, etc.

Just some ideas!

Best. xxx

 

[LilBean2010]

Hi Ladies,

Thank you for your suggestions and thoughts. You are all VERY correct - I probably should wait until Sullivan is here and I get to know him before we make the plan final.

As far as the plan being very "set and rigid" - at some point that will have to become reality as FOB is one who always wants to change things to suit HIMSELF and if we don't have a set plan he will constantly want to alter it to suit his needs and desires. He has also said he will plan to just pick Sullivan up and "bring him back when he wants to..." which sends cold chills down my spine as I don't want to not know when my baby will be back... Oh the joys of raising a baby while not with FOB. BUT - I really agree that we shouldn't set times or anything else until Sullivan is here and settled into life...

Also, very good suggestions re: location, medical attention, etc. Thanks for your input. That is why it is always nice to have a fresh set of eyes (or several sets! ) looking at things!

 

[mommy2baby2]

I really like your plan. I think it is very well thought out. The only concern I'd have is breastfeeding. If you are planning to nurse, it will be very hard on Sullivan to be away from you, especially when he's hungry and if he has a hard time with bottles.

I'd also be concerned with when he starts getting time away from the residential home and is hungry, that your ex might feed him foods he is not ready for. You'd be surprised at how quick people are to feed your children popcicles, sodas, treats...etc all because they think it's cute, funny or whatever. For example, I let my MIL babysit in our home for a couple hours so I could take a nap & relax, when I came out I found her giving the my 4 months old baby a popcicle...something that was definitely not part of her diet at that age. She was also ready to give our older baby either eggs or peanut butter (can't remember which one...), a food that we weren't planning on giving her until AFTER she was 2.5 to prevent any allergies (studies have shown giving specific foods too early can cause life long allergies and problems...foods like eggs, peanuts, fish/shellfish, milk...etc, typical allergy foods). And of course there have been so many times I've caught people giving our kids Coke & sodas when they weren't supposed to have it. I mean, they drink it but not when the were infants and that seems to be the prime time when people want to give them this stuff! So just something that you might want to be aware of unless you don't mind the possibility of other people (or even your ex) giving him foods he isn't ready for (or that you don't want him having quite yet). I know you wrote both parents will help him maintain a healthy diet and I'm sure you both will but again, most people don't consider a sip of pop or occassional candy as unhealthy so they wouldn't think twice about it...

You should also discuss the kinds of things he will be exposed to inside of the home. Surprisingly, many parents don't care but for us, it's a big deal so I'm just going to throw it out there for you. We don't let our girls see anything on TV that hasn't been written and made for a baby/toddler/young child. There is so much sex, violence, sadness and corrupt behavior on TV now, even on commercials. Children are only young once and we decided we didn't want our girls exposed to the harsh realities of the real world while they were young. As in, we are letting them be kids, not forcing them to be exposed to things they aren't ready for just because we decided we don't want to change the channel...We want to teach them about the world ourselves, we don't want the TV to do it for them... So basically what we do is if the TV is on and the girls are in the room, it's on a baby channel (you might not know yet, but there are many channels dedicated soley to young children in the US: Noggin, Sprout, Disney...) or there is an age appropriate movie on (you'd be surprised at how many Disney movies aren't exactly toddler friendly). This is just our POV, but you might want to consider it unless you don't mind your 2 year old coming home talking about seeing someone having sex or getting murdered on TV...you never know.

There is also the language thing, I don't remember if you had anything about it but you guys should discuss the type of words that will be allowed when you are around the child. Obviously no cursing but there are other words that can be just as bad with the right tone of voice. Like shut up, calling people stupid (or other derogitory names), "fake" cursing like "effing a", "A-hole", jackass...etc In our house we don't use words like shut up, ugly, stupid, fat (no one in our fam is overweight but we make it a point to teach our kids to not notice flaws in people, we teach them to see the individual's beauty inside and out based on their own opinions, not what society deems appropriate). So maybe you guys should discuss working on how you will be teaching the baby to talk and what kind of language is appropriate and what is not. You wrote no negative speaking about blood relatives in front of him but that should really include everyone. He can't talk bad about family but can talk bad about friends, strangers...

So that's my 2 cents! I really do like your plan though!