Adoption journey

[Lolly1985]

Hey everyone!!

Loski, will be thinking of you Tuesday and have no doubt you will knock em dead - you will be fab! Bet it is strange not working, and your kiddies miss you, but guess what, you will have your own kiddie very soon I hope your break was just what you needed. Is the weather as nbad there as it is here?!! We are travelling to DFs mum's canal boat tomorrow for a couple of nights, was really hoping for some sun (wishful thinking!! )

Hi to the rest of the gang!

We got a letter yesteday from VA inviting us to prep in October However DF thinks he would like to go with LA (we are scheduling a meeting sept/oct time to make the final decision!) so timings may be out But in the grand scheme of things, even though I am sooooo ready for this, what is an extra couple of months waiting when this will be for the rest of our lives....

to all of you lovely ladies xxxxx

 

[Butterfly67]

Good news about the prep course Lolly and that you also have 2 choices still about which way to go

Loski, do you mind me asking if there are any issues with the LO? it's just that everything I am reading is saying that all of the kids will have some kind of issues which is to be expected but I don't know if they are painting the worst case scenario or not

 

[Milty]

Well in a sense all will have issues because they are being taken from the foster home they know to yours.

That transition can be easy or hard depending on how it is handled. No matter how excited we are about it the child will be nervous. Even when they are babies they know your not the one who was taking care of them.

With the adoptions I've been involved in I have seen a really quick trusting relationship formed between the child and parents when they work with the foster family.

We also took classes on how to deal or work with this.


I am curious on how they do it over the pond because I know it is so critical

 

[Lolly1985]

Thanks BF!

I agree with Milty, bonding and attachment is a big one. Even if there is not a physically visible difficulty, this will be present in all children who are in the care system. They have had to deal with the separation from birth parents and then foster carers before they reach their forever family.

It sounds a similar process here. Intros or 'settling in' visits are a must before they come home for good. I think it depends how old the child is as to how many are recommended. And then I guess it will depend how the child responds. From what I understand intros start with visits to the foster carers home, and extend to completing key routine/activities eg, meals or bath and bed time, then you have some days out but at this stage the child returns to sleep at FCs, then they come home for good. I think that it is seen as appropriate to keep in contact with FCs and meet up a while later - although I have read a story of a lady who did this with her child and they got very confused and unsettled all over again. Each situation is unique.

Also delays hitting milestones are not uncommon. I work in speech and language therapy and we have many children coming to us who are recently adopted. On the whole the delay with their language is purely environmental, and with the right support they can quickly catch up. Obviously this is not always the case and sometimes there is more underlying, but that can be the same with any child.

One of the SWs we met with said that an additional need can cover anything from wearing glasses, to needing physio as a baby may have spend lots of time in a pram/cot and not been able to develop muscle tone, to being on the autisic spectrum. Also many of the children may have a family history of health problems, and while nothing is apparent now, the future has a slight question mark over it. But again, I do feel that while many children in the care system will have many extra needs, I think that having any child comes with certain uncertainty.

I also believe that they do paint a blacker pciture sometimes to ensure that nothing comes as a great shock down the line. You must only agree to what is right for you, as taking on too much will not help any child placed in the long run. SWs will acknowledge that.

Anyway I have rambled, I bet Loski can tell us more!

BF are you still exploring all avenues? I admit it is scary, but i'm sure worth it a million times over

 

[Butterfly67]

Thanks Lolly and Milty. Yes, am still exploring. I have the adoption form to send off but am holding back for some reason. I know that there will be issues but I think that what I have heard so far makes it sound so much worse (fetal alcohol syndrome etc etc). In fact where I live right now is almost perfect for disabled access so in the back of my mind I am thinking maybe... Anyway, hopefully I can actually get the nerve to send that form off soon and stop procrastinating

 

[Loski83]

Hi thanks lolly, milty and butterfly xx
As far as any problems our lo may have is separation from Fc however she was relinquished at birth so she hasn't had any separation problems yet it will just be when she joins us hopefully we have a good changeover and she accepts us. She isn't showing any other health concerns at all however they have still told us what could affect her when she older I.e 50 lol.
We did see lots of other children who had problems and lots that didn't, I would go for it send the form off and you will know when you see the right child for you xx

 

[Lyns]

So far we've been led to believe that if a child has an emotional attachment to it's foster carers then, yes, that will be hard to break, but that it is also a positive thing, as that attachment, with the right care, can be transferred.....it's the children that don't build any attachment, over time, that cause concern.

Things are getting exciting for us......this little boy has captured our hearts and we are firmly committed to him being a part of our family as soon as possible. There is still another family under consideration, and we know nothing about them, but we do know that we are perfectly matched to what they are looking for, in the way of a family for him. If we don't get him......then they must be Brad and Angelina, or Madonna.....or close!!!

We have one final meeting left.....with his foster carers, to really get to know as much as possible about him.....then a matching meeting on 12th Sept, where a final decision will be made! I am excited, nervous, happy, scared, everything......we feel this boy is our son, and yet the decision is out of our hands. My husband is quietly confident.............i don't want to count my chickens.......

Butterfly.......we have come across many children so far, whose biggest problem is merely the rotten family they come from. Yes, this little boy has a minor medical issue, that will be dealt with in a small procedure when the time is right, but you know.......it is not an adoption situation thing.......its a childhood thing! Any and manychild will have something, birth or adopted! Our birth daughter was born with a childhood cancer, which was diagnosed at only 6 weeks old, and for months we didn't know if she would survive, but that didn't make her a problem child......it just makes her more precious now she fought it so bravely!

I think more or less every child, birth or adopted, will have their own issue.......emotional, behavioural, physical, whatever.......it's what makes each child different, and precious and unique. I don't think, and wouldn't want, 'the perfect child'!! Gimme a mischievous, quirky, unique, lovable, challenging and needing little monkey anyday!

 

[Loski83]

Good luck lolly as well I hope you manage to make a decision and choose which ever agency feels the best for you and your df xx
Lyns that sounds great and really pleased to hear you will hopefully have your little boy soon it's funny how they just feel right isn't it, I'm feeling abit impatient now just want to bring our little girl home xx

 

[Milty]

I will say here in the US it is very common for most of the kids in care to need speech therapy but the funny thing is my DS is already in it.

Children from bad families most often are neglected and behind in a lot of areas but they also crave attention and love do much they just eat up getting to learn things.

Of my 3 friends who have adopted all but one LO was behind for their age but after a year all were ahead for their age. See once they catch up they still crave learning and attention so they keep going.


On another note here in the US we do the gradual meeting very similar to what you described. We also do overnight weekend visits just before final placement. Also they recommend having a scheduled get together with FC a week or two after placement. Then you tell LO when to expect it to help with transition. Also I've heard of FC calling the ones that are really small so they can hear their voice.

 

[zero7]

Hi all

Lyns- we are in the exact same position as you, only our possible match is a girl!

Our meeting with the childs SW and the family finder went very well. Our SW said it couldn't have gone better which is a relief! Just waiting for the decision as its between us and another family. The childs SW and family finder still have to have their meeting with the other family and then will have the final decision meeting. Probably know the outcome in a couple of weeks!!

We are smitten with this little baby girl and soooo want her to come home to us but we are also OK with it if she goes to the other family as it will obviously be what was best for her. We'd be gutted though and I dont want to think about it!!! In my mind, she is already in her room, snuggled up in her cotbed looking up at her mobile that her mummy made!

Will keep you posted! XX

 

[Loski83]

Well the nerves have well and truly kicked in I cannot get to sleep no matter how much I try lol. I keep thinking the worst but then feeling really positive at times. One thing is for sure I will be going through this once and never again lol. Good morning everyone xx

 

[Milty]

Oh Loski I feel for you honey

 

[Lolly1985]

Oh Loski, those little butterflies must be working overtime today There is no doubt in my mind that there will be some celebrating going on very soon though. We are all thinking of you!

Zero and Lynds, things sound as if they are progressing well. It must be so hard when you are not the only ones in the running for a LO, but all seems positive. It must be a very difficult situation and plays with lots of emotions for all involved. Yet I understand that they need to find the very best match for the child. Rooting for you guys

How is it going with you Milty?

DF and all the gang

Nothing adoption related from me today. Just got back from a weekend on MILs canal barge. Fruity cider in the sun, watching the world go by. Bliss!

Love Lolly xxxxx

 

[Lyns]

Just popping oin to wish you all the luck in the world for tomorrow Loski.....I'm sure it will be a great day!! xx

 

[Loski83]

Thankyou everyone just about to leave for train so will update later xx

 

[zero7]

Good luck Loski honey. I know you will be fantastic though!! XXXX

 

[Butterfly67]

Am sure all went well Loski, can't wait to hear

 

[Milty]

While we are waiting I'll give you my up date

I live in an area with very high number of kids available. Also not many adopt through the system because we do have private adoptions here. Knowing this I knew there would be options but I wasn't prepared for how many. It just breaks my heart.

Anyway with our last experience not going so well we asked SW to see all those who met our selection criteria. It was overwhelming and quickly became apparent we could not go through the list. Additionally my DS and DH got sick so we are in a bit of a holding patern.

Our SW is narrowing down our options for us and we will look at those profiles. I'm to make another appt with her at the end of the week to review those. So we will really get started the first of Sept.

I will say there was one little girl I did see that I can't stop thinking about even though I don't want to. The first issue I have is she is not legally free for 4 more months. The have a time limit they are waiting out that is required by law. This makes me nervous as I'm afraid something will happen and suddenly she will be taken back. After waiting for the first 3 girls this just makes nervous. There really isn't much else but my fear of something happening otherwise she is perfect and precious.

 

[Loski83]

Hi all we got a unanimous yes i was so nervous and really didn't need to be. They where so nice to us and asked about three questions. We could have met her tomorrow and started introductions, however we have to wait till the 6th cause my husband can't get off work till then. I am a very proud mammy to a beautiful little girl and I can't wait to meet her and bring home. Thankyou everyone for all the support and hope to hear the same from you's soon xxx

 

[Lyns]

Huge congratulations Loski.....I am so pleased for you! Only hope I will be following in your footsteps soon!

Much love xx