Advice for dealing with avid runner OH

[SpringCrane]

I'm a SAHM. My husband works a 9-5 with a 45+ min commute (each way). He runs 7 days per week, for an hour or more. He's fast, competitive, and races regularly (5K to 50K). I used to run a lot before my son was born, so I can appreciate the drive. It's how we met. It's always been a big part of our lives.

While I was pregnant with my son, there was a lot of talk by him about how his running would be over when he was born, etc. etc. But, he continued to run just as much. He didn't run the day I was in labor or the day he was born, but that was pretty much his total time off of running. He continued to race almost every other weekend until I flat out said it had to decrease he was 6 months old. He backed off the racing a lot. He still races a lot in the fall for XC season, but other times it's only the occasional weekend with a race.

My problem is that he continues to commit so much time to running even when it's obvious it's not ideal for our family. For example, I'll be sick with the flu and he'll still just stop for an hour run on the way home rather than just come home and take over caring for our VERY active toddler. We've talked about how that makes me feel a dozen times but it has never been resolved. It's not about the running per se, but about him being inconsiderate and making running the priority over his family. It's not so bad now that my son finally goes to sleep after 7 pm. He has time with him in the morning and in the evening. But when he was going to bed at 530 or 6, my husband would just not see him most evenings because his run was more important.

Anyway. I'm newly pregnant for the third time, hopefully to be our second baby. I got very ill with both pregnancies before, so I'm anticipating the same this time around. Not to mention just the increase in help required once we have a newborn in the house. I need him to understand that this cannot continue, but I don't know how to have the conversation differently than the past so we actually resolve the issue this time. Following some discussions where I offered up possible solutions (running with kid in stroller or me and kid biking alongside OH while he runs, etc.), he'll make the adjustment for a week or two and then it's right back to his usual running schedule.

I'm just so sick of being so upset by it all, and I don't know how to make things actually change. Does anyone have any advice or past experience with this? He's an amazing husband and father otherwise. He works very hard to support us, he does a ton around the house, and he's very loving and kind... it's just this stupid running thing! Ugh! If it was a habit like drinking with his buddies at the bar every day I could just say, "knock it off!" but it's a sport he's dedicated to, keeps him healthy, and it gives him a rockin' bod ;-)

 

[charlie_lael]

Is there anyway you could make it a family event a couple times a week? Can he run closer by at a park where you can bring your son? Maybe get a jogging stroller? Or make a deal where he runs every other day instead of every day?

 

[SpringCrane]

I've suggested those solutions before, and we'll do them for a few weeks following a discussion, and then things just go back to how they were somehow. We have a jogging stroller and sometimes I bike with the kid while my husband runs. But I can't seem to get those solutions to stick.

Running is the main way my husband socializes, as his running buddies are his closest friends. So when he's running with us, he's not running with them... not that it needs to be that way, but it's just how it goes. I think he prefers doing runs with his friends, so that's what he reverts back to when given the chance.

I just don't know how to get him to understand how it makes me feel when he always chooses running over us, even when it's obvious I need him. It makes me feel so awful. And since I've told him how it makes me feel and he still does it, it makes me feel worse!

 

[crownest]

Could he do a shorter run some lunchtimes ?

 

[Angel_blues]

I am going to side with your husband but also offer some balance.

Couples and families need time apart. I personally, I would leave it be but ask him that in exchange for his run you get time away as well. Be it 7 - 9 hours per week spent shopping with friends without him or you son, peace in quiet in a bath with no disturbances or something like that.... I know probably not what you want to hear but offering different perspective....

 

[charlie_lael]

I agree that you both need your alone time, but it also sounds like he doesn't get much time with his family at all due to running and working so much. So I understand your frustration. Husband and daddy time is so important. Could be deal with one night a week at home as a start? Make it a family movie or game night.

 

[Left wonderin]

I've got one of these !!! Not running but agility ! Takes him away weekends too during the season . It too is how we met as I was an avid agility person prior to baby coming along . Baby no 2 is now 17 months , baby no 1 we sadly mc. Baby no 3 is on the way I'm currently almost 7 weeks . Agility is my oh passion , I try and understand as much as I can as it was mine too. Oh works evenings and weekends as an instructor/ coach so he has LO during the week while I'm at work so its a little different to your situation , balancing it all is tough going !!! Sometimes I feel he prioritises his sport over family but other times I do think its good for him ... It depends on my mood and how tired I am !!!!

I do believe that we all need to keep a bit of " me " in relationships and families . My biggest issues is finding time for me !!! And getting oh to give up a bit of his time for me to have mine its all tough going but worth it .

Do you get any time out for you ?? Not with oh or kids but for you ? I find it makes all the differences. Even a couple of hours a week .

 

[SpringCrane]

Thanks for all of the replies. I appreciate the help in trying to sort it all out. I definitely get that he needs his time, and working out is healthy, and all of that. My biggest issue is that it takes priority over other things.

For example, last night my son was up all night. I'm guessing it's teething, but I hardly slept at all. We agreed from the start that I do the night time stuff, as my husband has to actually have a functioning brain in the morning. We survived the night, but this morning there was no suggestion of, "hey, why don't I come straight home from work so you can take an hour to recover?" it was instead, "see you at home after my run." I'm happy for him to have a regular running schedule, but his inability to be flexible makes me crazy. I could ask him right now to come straight home, and he'll say yes. He'll then try to get in a workout at home... leaving me still to watch the kid. I could speak up and say don't workout at all, and he'd do it. He won't flat out refuse, but it's just after ALL out talks about this specifically, he still doesn't just insert family responsibility in place of running unless I ask.

And someone asked if I get me time... regularly, no. If I ask for it, yes. I workout at home with the kid "helping" me. I worked from home with once weekly meetings for my son's first 18 months, so that was my me time. Working in the office after he got home from work and going into work once per week for a few hours. After I left my job, that time disappeared. And honestly, I love spending time with my husband and son. While I certainly wouldn't say no to alone time, my husband is my favorite person to be around so it's not like I'm sincerely desperate to hand off the kid and escape with my girlfriends or something. So, it's not about being jealous of his free time. I'm happy he can work out, socialize, etc... just, ugh, it shouldn't always come first!

Maybe he's just always going to be dense, and I'll always have to speak up and say, "Hey, I was up all night, I'm pregnant, and I think you should skip your run today because it'd make me happy." But I don't want to have to say it, I want him to just do it! And the fact that we have talked about this specifically a dozen or more times makes it even more frustrating. I'm not complaining because he isn't reading my cues (or mind), but because it feels like he's explicitly ignoring my needs that I've told him about.

Ugh. Sorry for the endless rant about this!

 

[hanni]

This sounds like a total nightmare! I can see why you'd be annoyed.

When you say he has a 45 minute commute, is that by car or public transport? How many miles away is it? Could it be possible for him to run to work and back instead of going when he gets back?

Or could he come home, help out with the LO and then go for a run one they've gone to bed?

 

[SpringCrane]

Thanks hanni. I think just having someone agree that it's a nightmare made me feel much better! Ha!

 

[Buffyx]

I couldn't deal with it either. My DH will NOT go a day without a workout, but with his job, he is able to do it at work as they have a gym. It will be interesting to see what happens when this baby comes along, as it is our first.
He is also an avid surfer - although if the surf isn't good, he won't go. I'll just pray for bad surf

 

[Milalacht]

my dad is jogging with a group of friends several times a week. The other guys also have family (eventhough the kids are much younger) and they all work pretty long hours, so they don't want to lose time they'd spend with their family.
that's why they meet up very early in the morning to go running. they meet at 05:30- 06:00 and he's coming home at ~07:00 often bringing something for breakfast with him.
Perhaps that would be a solution...so early in the morning the family sleeps anyway, so he doesn't take away "family time" and he can run with his friends the way he wants to.