Advice from adopted people & people who have adopted

[x_Rainbow_x]

I have a few questions if you dont mind..

For People whov adopted a child

1. What made you desided to adopt
2. how long was the process
3. what did it all include

For the adopted

1. How did you feel knowing you was adopted
2. Have you ever tryed to find your birth parents

Any other info would be greatly apprechiated​

 

[Tiff]

I was adopted!

How I felt about it:

Truthfully, it affects everyone differently I suppose. I was adopted at the age of 21 months, and my parents told me from the very beginning that they had adopted me. However, I didn't understand it. Kind of like "The sky is blue" "I'm adopted", meant the same thing to me.

I was about 7 or so I was watching a program on TV and it was about adoption. I knew enough that it meant something pertaining to me. I went upstairs and asked my Mom about it. She figured that since she had said things from the get-go that I understood it and just went "Well, you're adopted". I freaked out, because what I had seen was a child being taken from one family (foster family) and put into another family (adoptive family). I thought someone was going to take me from my parents.

It was confusing for me, and tbh my Mom (I love her more than anything) just isn't good with this sort of thing. When I was 16 and being a teenager (ie - Brat!) she threatened to send me back to CAS and I could be adopted by someone else and become someone else's problem. That cut me to my CORE, and I will probably carry the hurt from that for the rest of my life. I know she didn't mean it, she says things she doesn't mean when she's frustrated or angry, but as someone who isn't "blood" related there's always that feeling of not belonging.

My Mother always tried to blame my adoption as the reason WHY I was upset or angsty. I finally had to tell her that the only time I ever felt adopted is when she would constantly bring it up to me. On the other hand, my father is absolutely AMAZING and I have never once felt anything other than the fact that he loves me, and I'm 100% part of the family. I really do think its my Mom's inability to really deal with heavy situations.

(Hope that doesn't scare you off! If you have any Q's at all, I don't mind answering!)

Have I tried to find my birth parents?

Yes.

It didn't go so well. I filled out the forms when I was 18 to find them, and a few years later (because of the backlog) I got a call saying that they weren't on the "reunion registry". I left it alone for awhile as I was really upset and had wanted to meet them. The biggest thing I can say is don't make the mistake that my Mom did, and try to make it seem "not as bad". I mean, you don't need to get too into it, but my Mom assured me that my BM wanted me, loved me but just couldn't do it and blah blah blah. So I went for 18 years thinking that she'd WANT to find me. It isn't always the case!

I tried again a few years ago. The CAS has you fill out a form with stuff that you want your birth parents to know. There wasn't much info on my Birth Father so I was just going to try and find my Birth Mother. CAS sent her a letter asking her to respond, and she didn't. CAS sent a registered letter (meaning she'd have to sign for it to get it) and she did, and she still didn't respond. That was a pretty low blow as well for me, if she had responded she would've been able to read what I had written and know that I wasn't wanting to complicate things for her, wasn't wanting anything from her and if she was in a place in her life where it was easier if I didn't exist then that was okay... I just wanted my medical history.

Nothing.

So yeah. Don't try to make it into something it isn't. I would've been much better off if my Mother had been honest with me and explained how some people just aren't meant to be parents, don't have the capacity to love or do what it takes... etc, rather than how desperately she wanted me but just couldn't do it.... if that makes sense?


Whew! Sorry for the long novel.

 

[JASMAK]

I am going to answer for my husband. He was adopted at 5 days old. He does not know anything about his 'birth mother'. The only thing he knows was that his birth mother was young and had a son already, and couldn't afford another baby. He has never tried to find his birth mother and has no desire to. He also did not ever think about his adoptive parents. He always tells me (because I ask all the time and when we were considering adoption, I picked his brain about it) that the ONLY time he ever thinks about his birth mom is when other's talk about it.

HTH.

 

[jenny_wren]

both my mum and aunt were adopted
when they were babies as my grandma
couldn't have children ... my mum and aunt
aren't blood related either

all my mum knows is her birth mothers name
and that she was very young when she had
her ... she also knows she had more children
after my mum ... but she doesn't want to track
her down or find her blood relatives ... to her
my grandma and grandad will always be her
real mum and dad

i dont go into great detail about it when i speak
to my mum because i was only told recently and my
aunt doesn't talk about it at all again she doesn't want
to know her birth parents and would rather just not
think about it i suppose but i guess we all think the
same ... blood doesn't make a family love does and i personally
dont think of grandma or my aunt any differently they're
still family in my eyes

xxx​

 

[MySillyGirls]

Hello! My husband and I have two daughters ages 7 and 6. We adopted our youngest daughter from Russia when she was 13 mos old. We had a bio daughter at the time who was 2 1/2 and we decided we wanted to adopt our second child. We were not having fertility problems, just a desire to add to our family in this way. My husband and I both came from families that cherished adoption so it was close to our hearts.

The process took almost a year and involved a few social worker visits to write our homestudy, police reports stating we were free from serious crimes, an affidavit from our accountant that we were financially stable, etc. We also needed fingerprints verified by the fbi. We were guided through this whole process by a wonderful adoption agency. Ultimately, we traveled to Russia 3x...to meet and spend time with our daughter, for court and then to bring her home.

Our daughter is ours in every way. We love her tremendously..she is an amazing little girl. Recently, we have decided to try to have another biological child. We started trying 5 mos ago and we have decided that we will adopt again if we are not pregnant in the next 6 mos (although we are not sure if we will pursue domestic or international adoption). I am 37 and my husband is 40 so that is a very real possibility.

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone. But still, miraculously, my own. Don't ever forget, not for a minute..you weren't born under my heart, but in it."

Good luck!

 

[MySillyGirls]

Oh, as an fyi, we did hire a searcher in Russia who found our birthfamily. We have extensive photos, videos, interviews, medicals etc. This is becoming much more common as an option with international adoption.

 

[kiwimama]

Hello! My husband and I have two daughters ages 7 and 6. We adopted our youngest daughter from Russia when she was 13 mos old. We had a bio daughter at the time who was 2 1/2 and we decided we wanted to adopt our second child. We were not having fertility problems, just a desire to add to our family in this way. My husband and I both came from families that cherished adoption so it was close to our hearts.

The process took almost a year and involved a few social worker visits to write our homestudy, police reports stating we were free from serious crimes, an affidavit from our accountant that we were financially stable, etc. We also needed fingerprints verified by the fbi. We were guided through this whole process by a wonderful adoption agency. Ultimately, we traveled to Russia 3x...to meet and spend time with our daughter, for court and then to bring her home.

Our daughter is ours in every way. We love her tremendously..she is an amazing little girl. Recently, we have decided to try to have another biological child. We started trying 5 mos ago and we have decided that we will adopt again if we are not pregnant in the next 6 mos (although we are not sure if we will pursue domestic or international adoption). I am 37 and my husband is 40 so that is a very real possibility.

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone. But still, miraculously, my own. Don't ever forget, not for a minute..you weren't born under my heart, but in it."

Good luck!

What a beautiful poem! Brought a bit of a tear to my eye!

 

[Celesse]

My sister was adopted. She is biologically the daughter of a family member and my parents wanted to give her a good home. A lot of plans where made pre-natally. She came to live with us when she was tiny, but it took a year until she was properly and legally adopted. I think she has always felt a little different to the rest of us as she does look quite different. She has met her birth mother and would rather not have anything to do with her.

If you wanna know more feel free to pm me. Its not my story to tell so dont wanna go into detail on a public forum iykwim.

 

[dawny690]

For the adopted

1. How did you feel knowing you was adopted
2. Have you ever tryed to find your birth parents

[/COLOR]

Any other info would be greatly apprechiated

Im adopted hun, for me I knew from the age of 5/6 that I was adopted and tbh at first I was too young to understand what it ment I had been in foster homes before and was 4 1/2 when I was adopted but dont really remember the foster homes much. And my adopted family I saw as my real family a scrap book was made for me by social services and adopted parents to help me understand also included pictures of me when I was a baby/young child it wasnt til I was older I understood what adoption ment and I and my two older adopted brothers didnt have the best childhoods both my older brothers have been in prison something which they are not proud of now but they were young and rebelled badly to the way our adopted parents brought them up I was treated almost as badly they were strict beyond strict I rebelled and left home at 18 ran away at 16 but felt forced to go back by adopted dads friends in the old bill (adopted dad was a copper) so went home reluctantly.

I tried to find my real parents when I was younger to no avail I found them eventually last year and it was a bad idea as they weren't what I was expecting we have now lost contact with them as they werent that bothered with me

Anymore questions feel free to ask hun xxxx

 

[shorman]

I was adopted at 9 don't no who my birth dad is but haven't tried to get in contact with birth mum I had a lot of problems about being adopted when I was younger never really felt comfortable or assured I could talk about it with my mum who adopted me as didn't want to upset her but I have grown and I am happy and secure that my parents love me and very happy with my life now I have my own family and I feel very blessed I have loving caring parents. X

 

[morri]

I came to my foster mum , when I was 5 years old. I am still related biologically because she is the sister of my birth mum.

 

[MrsNovBaby]

Hi, I am adopted. I was adopted when I was 6 weeks old, I was born to a very young Mother. I have always known and always felt that my parents (adoptive) were my real parents, they have been through everything with me, seen me grow up and been my parents (they are the best). I have no desire to find my birth parents. I just get a little infuriated when newspapers always put 'adoptive parents' in when writing a story about a celeb who has adopted when it has nothing to do with the story. They are the real parents, who have cared for and loved the child. Other people may feel differently, but that is my personal opinion. xx

 

[MoonMuffin]

I was adopted, my parents brought me home when I was a day old. I've always known and have been ok with it, it helped that my parents were honest with me and explained it too me well (I didn't really get it at first because I was young, but we always talked a lot about it so it was fine really). My birth mother was very poor and only 18 when she had me and I knew she gave me up to give me a better life and I'm so grateful. My only issue is that I was an only child so I was lonely and socially awkward but I think that's to do with the only child thing more then the adoption thing.

I did actually meet my birthmother, birth stepfather (I call him this because though he is not my bio father he is the one that was there for my bio mom throughout the preg and birth) and they have 2 girls who are my bio half sisters. I'm very lucky because they are a loving family and we talk a good bit through facebook (they do not have phones). They love me very much and I do feel like part of their family. Of course my parents will always be my parents but its so nice to feel like a part of my bio family too (and its so great to see pics of them and see where I get certain features, etc.) its nice that we can all get along and be one big happy family. I know its not usually like this but we do what works for us.
No one ever believe that I'm adopted though because I look a lot like my parents

If you have any other questions feel free to PM me any time

 

[craftymum]

I was adopted as a baby, I was handed over to a foster carer until the adoption all went through and I was around 3 months old before I got to go home with my adoptive parents, to be honest I've always had major feelings of being abandoned and even now at 36 years old I still feel like I don't really belong with my family, my brother was also adopted but as children and still now he has always been the golden boy who could do no wrong and my Mum would be very close to his wife and children and me and mine kinda come second, I don't know why as I could understand that if my brother was her natural child but it can be so hurtful, I feel like I don't really have any family support apart from my hubby who is wonderful but these things really affect you in a major way. I have a 17 year old daughter and when I was pregnant with her my Mum suggested adoption and there was no way on this earth I could even think about giving her up, I took all my Mums parenting methods on board as I was only 19 and I didn't know any better now that I have Jacob (big age gap I know) I see now that my Mums methods were terrible and this is causing some conflict also - things like her wanting to give him chocolate and crap and me saying no and her acting like I don't have a clue. I had severe hyperemesis throughout my entire pregnancy and my Mum was never really there for me, she only called round for 20 minutes to make me some toast and the rest of the day I was in bed til my hubby came home from work I'm not close to my brother at all and it really upsets me as I know my biological parents had 3 other children before me and I'm a bit confused as to whether I want to see them or not, it also hurts that they 'kept' the other children but gave me up and not having a close relationship with my parents makes this sense of abandonment feel worse, I just want to feel normal and have a closeness with my Mum, I feel so jealous sometimes when I read about others and how great their Mum is, I also feel bad for thinking like this and I just feel like a moan but I guess every girl should feel like she can turn to her Mother and I really can't.

 

[Blue12]

I know that adoption may be in my future plans so I want to thank all of you for sharing your very personal stories. Together we all make better decisions.

Thank you!

 

[Zipp]

Craftymum, I am so sorry that you have to feel that way.

TBH I think with some women I don't think it would be different if its an adoptive mum or bio mum.

All my life I felt exactly like you with my bio mum and with my brothers. My mum has never been there for me and she has now moved to England and has dropped contact with all her children and family.

At the end of the day it's your mum who will loose out in having a wonderful daughter and grand children.

 

[craftymum]

Craftymum, I am so sorry that you have to feel that way.

TBH I think with some women I don't think it would be different if its an adoptive mum or bio mum.

All my life I felt exactly like you with my bio mum and with my brothers. My mum has never been there for me and she has now moved to England and has dropped contact with all her children and family.

At the end of the day it's your mum who will loose out in having a wonderful daughter and grand children.

Thanks Zipp and I'm really sorry that things are bad between you and your Mum

 

[Dinoslass]

Hello!

I see lots of you are adopted here. But I am the one who adopted!
We adopted three children from Hungary, they are biologically siblings as well, so they at least look like each other! We got them at the age of 6, 5 and 3. It takes a lot of time to finalize an adoption over here, so I won't go into all the paperwork, official stuff and heartache it brought us.
We have always talked openly about it all, but then again the eldest even remember some things from Hungary, not from their biological family as they had been in orphanages for years already. We have stayed at their last orphanage so we know about it and can tell them things, but they mostly deny it all. They didn't have a good time there at all (abuse and all) and only the youngest who hasn't got any own memories is slightly interested in his birth country.
I think adoption is wonderful. It does give different problems as children struggle with abandon issues and roots, but in everyday life you are parents and they are children that you take care of and give you love and laughter and everyday problems!
We adopted to give some children a chance to have a home and a family, as we do with our holiday foster children.

 

[fluffosaur]

I work as a social worker in adoption so if anybody has any questions feel free to ask me them. I'll try and advise where I can ! I'll be starting work in fostering in about a month or so as a supervising social worker.

The process takes around 9 months and is a thorough assessment of every aspect of your lives. You can't hide anything from us. The average amount of time for a match to be made and approved after a couple have been approved as adopters is about a year, so don't be disheartened if you wait a long time.

 

[CareBear]

The average amount of time for a match to be made and approved after a couple have been approved as adopters is about a year, so don't be disheartened if you wait a long time.

Can I just say that this can depend on the area you live in, currently where I live there is a shortage of adopters so matches are being done a little quicker where as in other areas it can take longer.