Advice from adopted people & people who have adopted

[Dinoslass]

In my opinion that is not long at all. In Holland a regular adoption would take about 4-5 years from the time you file for adoption until you will actually have the child. This in my opinion is an insane long time and totally cruel to the parents that are wanting to be parents and in many cases also to the child, because it can happen that a child is bein appointed but still needs to stay in the country of origin for months sometimes even years until the actual move to their family.
Adopting goes through agencies that are appointed by the government to act in adoptions. The reasoning for the long waits (by them) is that there are more parents wanting to adopt than children. I am totally disgusted by that because I have seen the many orphanages abroad full of children that with a bit of legal work could be adopted out instead of spending their life in an orphanage without any relatives showing any interests in them whatsoever. I think the agencies here are keeping it like this to make it special and thereby expensive to adopt a child.
Also there is no adopting over the age of 6 (unless siblings together with one of them being under 6) and people tend to talk about older adoptive children if they are over 2 years old. I can imagine people wanting babies but I know not all bother about that but this way it doesn't give the so called older children much chances.
I have to say in Holland we are almost always talking about adopting abroad seeing the average wait for a dutch adoptive child is about 10 years I think.

Sorry for going on a bit, but it is something close to my heart!! My children were 6, 5 and 3 when they came to live with us, so all old children, though it never made a slight bit of difference to how we feel about each other. They are our children and though I regret not knowing them from an early age sometimes because they do ask questions that I can't answer (when did I start to walk and things like that) it has nothing to do how you love a child.

 

[DottyLottie]

I was adopted as a baby, I was handed over to a foster carer until the adoption all went through and I was around 3 months old before I got to go home with my adoptive parents, to be honest I've always had major feelings of being abandoned and even now at 36 years old I still feel like I don't really belong with my family, my brother was also adopted but as children and still now he has always been the golden boy who could do no wrong and my Mum would be very close to his wife and children and me and mine kinda come second, I don't know why as I could understand that if my brother was her natural child but it can be so hurtful, I feel like I don't really have any family support apart from my hubby who is wonderful but these things really affect you in a major way. I have a 17 year old daughter and when I was pregnant with her my Mum suggested adoption and there was no way on this earth I could even think about giving her up, I took all my Mums parenting methods on board as I was only 19 and I didn't know any better now that I have Jacob (big age gap I know) I see now that my Mums methods were terrible and this is causing some conflict also - things like her wanting to give him chocolate and crap and me saying no and her acting like I don't have a clue. I had severe hyperemesis throughout my entire pregnancy and my Mum was never really there for me, she only called round for 20 minutes to make me some toast and the rest of the day I was in bed til my hubby came home from work I'm not close to my brother at all and it really upsets me as I know my biological parents had 3 other children before me and I'm a bit confused as to whether I want to see them or not, it also hurts that they 'kept' the other children but gave me up and not having a close relationship with my parents makes this sense of abandonment feel worse, I just want to feel normal and have a closeness with my Mum, I feel so jealous sometimes when I read about others and how great their Mum is, I also feel bad for thinking like this and I just feel like a moan but I guess every girl should feel like she can turn to her Mother and I really can't.

I am so sorry I know it probably isn't much consolation but my bio mother is also like this and though she is around, we are not close and even some of us gals with bio mothers aren't best friends with our mums.
You are so fortunate to have your own beautiful family and that you love them and raise them in a way you missed out on - you should be super proud. I hope one day you find some peace with your situation, and like others have said, it is TRULY your mothers loss (both bio and adopted).

Sending you big love and happy thoughts

 

[Blue_bumpkin]

Hello! My husband and I have two daughters ages 7 and 6. We adopted our youngest daughter from Russia when she was 13 mos old. We had a bio daughter at the time who was 2 1/2 and we decided we wanted to adopt our second child. We were not having fertility problems, just a desire to add to our family in this way. My husband and I both came from families that cherished adoption so it was close to our hearts.

The process took almost a year and involved a few social worker visits to write our homestudy, police reports stating we were free from serious crimes, an affidavit from our accountant that we were financially stable, etc. We also needed fingerprints verified by the fbi. We were guided through this whole process by a wonderful adoption agency. Ultimately, we traveled to Russia 3x...to meet and spend time with our daughter, for court and then to bring her home.

Our daughter is ours in every way. We love her tremendously..she is an amazing little girl. Recently, we have decided to try to have another biological child. We started trying 5 mos ago and we have decided that we will adopt again if we are not pregnant in the next 6 mos (although we are not sure if we will pursue domestic or international adoption). I am 37 and my husband is 40 so that is a very real possibility.

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone. But still, miraculously, my own. Don't ever forget, not for a minute..you weren't born under my heart, but in it."

Good luck!

What a beautiful poem! Brought a bit of a tear to my eye!

Me too

Hope you dont mind me answering... my cousin was adpoted. She died a few years ago, not long after giving birth.

She was adopted as a baby and loved my auntie very much. They were also unbelieveably close which most people found a bit odd tbh. When she was at school i remember my auntie gave my cousin a book to read to her class about adoption to help them understand. She was always very open with her from around school age (4/5) when they thought she was old enough to understand. She dealt with it brilliantly and never once tried to find her birth mother, to my knowledge. In her eyes, my aunt was all she needed and wanted in a mother and the curiousity for her was not important. I totally miss her and thank god every day that my aunt took the decision to adopt, otherwise she may never have come into our lives.

I wish you all the best in your future decisions.

 

[sun]

Hi, I am adopted. I was adopted when I was 6 weeks old, I was born to a very young Mother. I have always known and always felt that my parents (adoptive) were my real parents, they have been through everything with me, seen me grow up and been my parents (they are the best). I have no desire to find my birth parents. I just get a little infuriated when newspapers always put 'adoptive parents' in when writing a story about a celeb who has adopted when it has nothing to do with the story. They are the real parents, who have cared for and loved the child. Other people may feel differently, but that is my personal opinion. xx

^^ I totally agree with this!

I was also adopted at 10 days old. I was adopted due to fertility issues, but as soon as the adoption went through, my parents got pregnant. So I am the only adopted person in my family. But really I never think of it at all - my siblings and parents are my "real" family. It used to bug me when I was a kid that people would refer to my birth mother as my "real" mother and ask lots of questions, but I came to realize that they didn't really know and were curious. I think it depends on the person how they are with it too - I have a friend who, even though he has great parents, has always resented the fact that he was adopted. He has always thought that his life would have been better if he grew up with his birth parents. That said, I know a few non-adoptees that also felt like they were alienated from their families and never really fit in. My family isn't perfect - there have been issues and my parents divorced when I was younger, but there is no perfect anyway. A family is a team that sticks together and works with what they have

I think adoption is such a great thing and OH and I would like to adopt as well. I would always tell the child about adoption from the start though - even young children can get a sense of what you are saying. I don't ever remember being told I was adopted - my parents told me right away. I also wouldn't want to search for my birth mother. I like the fantasy of a million possibilities - I am sure reality wouldn't measure up. And I can't help but think it would be awkward and weird. I do wish I could send an anonymous note that says I am happy and thank you, but mine is also a closed adoption and it would be a big ordeal.
I can only hope she does not feel guilty or bad about it.

xx

 

[ClaireNicole]

Can I just say.... as someone who has been on the other end of adoption! When I was 16 I got pregnant and didn't have a choice but to put bubs up for adoption! It was the hardest thing i've ever done and the 3 days I got to spend with her in the hospital were the best in my life! Her parents (and that is how I think of them even though I am her birth mother) send me pictures and updates and are very cool and nice people and I know shes happy but not all women who put their babies up for adoption have a choice or want to! I honestly hope that she knows that I love her very much and I think about her every day and I really hope that one day she does want to meet me so she can know those things!

I'm 23 now and about to have a baby with my husband! But even that doesn't make me love my first baby less! I want the people who were adopted to know that not all adopted babies are put up because their parents are too lazy to take care of them or because their lives are bad. Sometimes its just what is best for the baby that is what is important

 

[Hoping]

I was adopted when I was 9 years old as my Mother died when I was 6 of breast cancer, and my Dad was an A - Hole who decided he would be better off without me in tow so he dumped me on family and went off and found a new wife and had another child. Family passed me around for a few years before they decided to get me adopted. Best thing that could have happened to me in hindsight though.
My natural Mother was also herself adopted as a baby as was her sister (they are not blood related). My natural mother's parents are no longer with us, but her sister (my aunt) is.
I always knew I was adopted and therefore have been OK with it. I have not tried to contact my birth Father as I hate him and cannot ever firgive him for abandoning me at a time when I needed him most. My parents are the people that raised me from 9 years, supported me through exams and uni and now enjoy the pleasure of being grandparents. My natural Father had a son who contacted me through friends reunited about 2 years ago. I am "friends" with him on facebook so he and my natural Father know about my son and my pregnancy. I hope that he feels gutted that he will never know my son and will never have the privilege of being a grandad to my kids. Somehow though, I don't think he gives a sh*t!

 

[tinkerbell <3]

i was adopted at 18 months with my brother..and i am soo sooo greatful i love my mum and dad soo soooo much i feel so lucky that they adopted me..i never rember actually being told i was adopted i just always knew i was...my mum always says that she forgets she never actually gave birth to me..we are no diffrent from every other mum and daughter....people even say we look alike..i think ive just picked up all her mannerisms as that is quite impossible haha! i dont want to find my birth mum..she is not my mum the person who loves you and holds youre hand through the good and bad times is youre mum...so it isnt something i want to do! hope that helped!

 

[future_numan]

My husband is adopted. They removed him from his birth mother when he was 8 months old ( she told child services that she wanted to return to school, when in actual fact she was pregnant again ) she had already given up one child before him and also gave up the one after him..he was the only one she brought home from the hospital..and all this was before she was 17yrs old..he was adopted by a christain family and even though they are loving people ( they went on to have two biological children ) his adopted mother blamed everything he did wrong on his being adopted. He still resents it. His father on the other hand is a wonderful loving man and doesn't treat him any different than his brother or sister. The problems with his adopted mother forced him to move out and live on his own when he was only sixteen.
When he was 28 he decided to look for his birth mother. Child services found her rather quickly but she didn't want any contact ( another blow to him ) but she did offer up medical history that went on to save his life. So I am greatful for that DH's birth mother wouldn't say who his birth father was except to say it was a man she went to the movies with..and made him promise to never try to contact her again.
The CAS worker was awsome and kept his file open and a couple of years ago she managed to find both his older and younger siblings.
Amazing enough the older sibling ( his sister ) only lives about 10km from our home.
The younger one had allot of issues to deal with and for the safety of our daughter we no longer have contact.
So good and bad has come out of this adoption.

 

[happygirl666]

I was adopted My birth mum is a prostaute and my dad is in jail for murder I do NOT KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE I am glad I was adopted and I will be adopting one day to just to give a child a good life Like I had If it was not for my adopted fam god knows where I would be now All I low I would not be the person I am now A happy mum to a stuning son and engaged to the most beautiful sexy kind loving tattooed freak Iv ever met Darren is my world I must admit I do cry at night I am one of 14 that I have been told of It breaks my heart.

 

[CourtneyD]

my grandma placed a baby for adoption in the 50s. My best friend is adopted and my exhusband is adopted. It has alwasy had a huge part in my life. Now that I'm remarried my husband and I are trying to adopt. We are in the US and are so thankful for the openness that is allowed now! If you have any questions about the process for the adopting parents feel free to ask.

 

[17WithBumpyy]

I'm adopted. Got put into care at 18 months adopted at 3 and a half. I'm a daddies girl through and through but for some reason me and my mum clash. We just don't have a bond.
I have so many questions and I don't know if my birth mother is dead or alive in the country or even living down my street. I know her first name and I have her eyes but now I have a daughter twins on the way and she should know she's has grandchildren. I'm also pretty ill and a family history would be really helpful right now