Advice from anyone who has struggled to conceive or had a miscarriage

[mugzy]

I need some advice. Me and OH are getting so excited and want to tell everyone our news. So far we have told my mom and sister, and a few close friends. The problem I have is this:
My brother and his wife have been ttc since they got married 3 years ago. She has PCOS and they've had no luck. She finally got her BFP last month, but lost the baby a week later . My other brother and his wife are due in September, and her brother's wife is also expecting - so it's like everyone is having babies except for her. I want to be sensitive and really don't want to upset her, but I'm not sure how I can avoid it. When should I tell them? And how? I'm so worried they find out from someone else. They have no connection to the friends we have told, but I'm worried that one of OH's friends will post something on his facebook profile and my brother will see it. Any words of wisdom for how to handel this???

 

[dizzynic]

Tell her yourself asap otherwise she will wonder why you havnt i know i would be very upset if someone kept their news from me because i lost a baby x

 

[lifeguard]

We struggled to conceive (about 6 years) & can totally empathize with your SIL (I also have PCOS). The last 2 years many of our friends when they conceived told my dh & then he told me at a time & in a way he knew I could handle. At the very least I would talk to him first & ask his opinion - it does seem to be less difficult for the men.

Good for you for realizing how hard this could be on her. I had many awkward, horrid situations where I had found out about women's pregnancies in public, in a large group & totally caught off guard. You want so much to be happy for them (& you are) but it hurts so bad that it's not happening to you that you don't necessarily have a lot of control over your emotions around the issue.

Whatever you do - tell her in a private situation - not in front of a group of people.

 

[Mamafy]

Be gentle with her but I agree with everyone else tell her soon before she hears it from someone else. There would be nothing worse for her than to think she was the last to know

 

[PitBullMommy]

I have PCOS and we struggled to conceive too. I would definietly make sure to tell her yourself. Over the phone might be a way to go. That way she doesn't have to worry about smiling or trying to seem happy. It's gonna hurt her, but it would hurt her more to hear it from someone else. Give her a bit, she'll totally be happy for y'all.

 

[polo_princess]

I agree with the others deffo tell her yourself, it will be hard for her as all you ladies know who took a long while TTC but she will much prefer it to come from your mouth

If she hears it from someone else she might think that you didnt tell her on purpose as not to hurt her and make her feel wrose

 

[mugzy]

Thank you for all your replies. I think it's going to be awkward no matter how or when I do it, but I think you're right, better to do it sooner than later. I'm chatting to my brother about it tonight. I think it will be best if it comes from him. Me and my SIL are not exactly close, I mean we're friendly when we see each other, but we never just call each other for a chat.

Thanks again, I reallly appreciate your advice.

 

[Pyrrhic]

I would tell her yourself. If you're close to her, maybe making an excuse to go round and sit her down and tell her. Make the point that she is one of the first to know and you wanted to tell her privately. I think it's great that you are looking after her feelings.

 

[lifeguard]

I would add - be prepared to make your visit short afterwards - so if she needs the time to cry she doesn't have to hold it back too long. It's very hard to focus on being polite when you're holding back tears.

Sucks it has to be so hard sometimes.

 

[mugzy]

I would add - be prepared to make your visit short afterwards - so if she needs the time to cry she doesn't have to hold it back too long. It's very hard to focus on being polite when you're holding back tears.

Sucks it has to be so hard sometimes.

Thanks, but I have to do it by phone. I'm in the UK with my OH at the moment and it's another 6 weeks before we move back home. I've been trying to get hold of my brother since yesterday but he's been having a crisis at work so maybe not the best time. I'll see if things have calmed down tomorrow.

And yes, it sucks that it has to be so hard I keep hoping he'll call me to say she's pregnant again. That would make me sooooo happy, but for some reason the doctor told them to wait 3 months before they try again.

 

[lifeguard]

A lot of doctor's say that people should wait 3 months after a miscarriage regardless of the reason. I know plenty who have broken that rule & things have worked out just fine.

 

[sebastian]

I say let her on your great news so she can live vicariously through you some. She may be a tad jealous, but I'm sure she'll be fine. It's a new niece or nephew right? That's happy news. Perhaps her time will come when she has a successful pregnancy. But if she doesn't should she be depressed about it all her life? Maybe God didn't intend that for her. Maybe she's just supposed to be a really great Aunt. There are more things in life to enjoy then being a parent. She should just try to enjoy being with her husband for now. At least she has that much. There is a bright side...she doesn't have to be responsible for anyone but herself and that is always great.