After MMC...

[Drazic<3]

... how do you cope?

I mean, quite simply. I am not. I am horrible to be around, always in tears, always telling my OH I think something is wrong. What did me is last time I had nothing, except for a 'feeling' something was wrong, which it was. The problem with intuition is that you can convince yourself of it a second time.

Things have been different this time. Stronger sickness, and more symptoms. Now I am 11 weeks and I am starting to physically feel a lot better (which I know is normal) I feel like I have lost all reassurance and I just have nothing. I used my doppler last night and was so convinced we got the heartbeat and I was so excited, but all the girls on first tri think I got the placenta. I tried for ages then threw the bloody thing at the sofa.

It really has burst my bubble. How can you walk around with any belief when last time you didn't know your baby had died inside you? How can you walk around with that thought in your head all the time that it could be over and you just don't know?

I have 11 days until my NT scan and I just don't know how I will make it. I feel like I am cracking up. I just want to lay in bed and cry. I am so sorry to be a pain, I bet you are all sick of me.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like throwing myself under a train and that scares me. I am a wreck because I feel like I KNOW it will be bad news and I can't do all that again. I just can't. I can't put my family and OH through that again.

I'm so scared

 

[Mum2bewaiting]

oh hun
how approachable is ur MW?
what about phoning the antenatal clinic and trying to get ur dating scan bought forward a bit?
bit bit

 

[im_mi]

oh sweetheart

I really think you should speak to your midwife and tell her that you arent coping very well. You sound very anxious and depressed and i think you could really benefit from some extra support. when i was pregnant the last time, i told my midwife that i am prone to depression and she immediately offered to refer me to a specialist counsellor for people who are pregnant and struggling. i was fine at the time and i turned it down but it was so nice to know that someone was there for me if i needed them.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal hun, i cant imagine how hard it must be being pregnant after a MMC. I really think that you shouldnt have to struggle through this alone, your midwife is there to support you and i am sure that there will be someone who can help you, even if its just a place to go for an hour a week where you can scream and cry and talk about your fears and worries as much as you like without worrying about upsetting your nearest and dearest xxx

 

[Drazic<3]

Thanks so much girls. I'm sorry, I know many have it much worse and I am being burdensome. I am just in this horrible self-obsessive little bubble and I can't seem to see outside it. It is shameful I know, but I feel so trapped.

I am going to text the midwife and see if she get back to me. If not, I will give her a call. I am not coping at all. I was, but now the scan gets nearer and things I am breaking down. I literally don't know how I will get through it right now.

I am sorry

 

[Mum2bewaiting]

don't be sorry, that is what we are on here for
hope ur mw gets back to u quickly

 

[Hoolie]

Katie

Throw the doppler away. Or if you really don;'t feel you can, give it to someone to keep for you until the heartbeat is more easily found. I considered buying one for reassurnace but changed my mind after reading that the heartbeat is hard to find and the home bought dopplers are not that good. The last thing I wanted after my MMC was to have soemthing that was meant to be a reassurance causing me to worry more.

I can tell you that it does get easier as the pregnancy progresses. Once you can feel movement then this is reassurance that the baby is okay. I started feeling movement at 18 weeks.

In the interim I told myself that I would believe everything was okay unless I knew for definite otherwise and that got me through to each scan and then to feeling movement.

Alex

 

[Lawa]

I no exactly how you feel chick.

I have again today done yet another pregnancy test and dont know how I am going to cope untill my first appointment next Wednesday.

I dont want to leave the house or anything its a vile feeling. I also suffer with depression and am fighting so hard against ti at the moment xxxxx

Can always Pm me

 

[mememe84]

I think you just have to tell yourself the longer baby is inside you the better every day baby gets stronger and as hard as it is you have to try not to panic as stress is not good for the baby x

 

[im_mi]

^to be honest, i think stress is inevitable in a pregnancy especially if you have suffered a loss. I was very very very stressed through my first pregnancy and he was absolutely fine.

Just focus on whatever it takes to get you through day to day, hun. dont ever apologise for venting here. i hope your midwife gets back to you really quickly xxx

 

[lauralora]

it is completley normal how you feel hunny .. as you no i feel the same way

and thinking something is wrong, or convincing yourself you no somethings wrong is completley normal aswell .... but im sure it isnt! where did you hear this noise that you thought was the HB and what did it sound like? even if it wasnt the HB 11 weeks is very early to here it, 11 days will soon be here hun i no it doesnt feel like it .. but hang in there, u can do this!! xxxx

 

[Sparklestar]

Drazic, i had a mmc at 14+6, the baby died at 12+4 last June. i ma now 8 weeks pregnant again and i feel EXACTLY the same as you. I am so bad i've been signed off work due to the sickness and not being able to sleep. i must get up and check my pants 8-9 times anight. paranoid ey? i feel like i am going a little insane, for the same reasons as you really, i didn't know for 2 1/2 weeks that anything was wrong.

much love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Drazic<3]

Thank you so much for your messages girls. I know how hard you are finding things and the fact that time after time you all give me support and kind words means the world to me. I honestly think I would have gone full blown mental if it wasn't for all your support.

The stress thing is a weird one. I know I shouldn't get stressed which makes me stressed because the stress could be causing a problem. - Don't get me wrong, I am not constantly shaking in fear. I just cry and stare at the wall. It's more being resigned to the envitable really.

I know we all have to, but everything I eat I am convinced will cause listeria. I have had eating disorders in the past but I seem to have worked myself into a kind of OCD, like you are describing sparklestar sweetheart - I am scared of every little twinge. I feel too sick, omg, I don't feel sick! My boobs are smaller/larger/not sore/too sore. I have too much discharge! Too little! Just enough! Washing my hands like a crazy in case I catch something dangerous for the baby. I am working myself into some kind of insanity and I know it's not good for me or the baby or my relationships but I can't seem to help it. The nearer the NT scan gets the more insane I do!

Thanks Hoolie hun, consider the doppler put away for the time being. I posted a recording of what I thought was my heartbeat then the babies in first tri and noone agreed! lol. All I succeeding in doing was upsetting other girls who had found reassurance from what they had also considered the heartbeat

Lawa and Sparkle (and of course, you all) my heart goes out to you. If you ever want to chat please PM me.

I have text the midwife and asked her to call me as I think I am struggling psychologically. Don't get me wrong, I am not barking at the curtains, but I am not sure how far off that I am

Jeeze, I had no idea how draining this would be. all round.

 

[im_mi]

you're so brave honey i struggle with eating disorders too so i understand the thought processes and the ocd type obsessive tendencies. you will get through this though, ok? xxxxxxx

 

[Drazic<3]

Thanks darling. I will, I have to and I can - I just don't know how! I honestly don't know how I will get myself into that scan, but again I will because I have to and I have done these shitty things in the past and got through! I just need good news, heck - we all do.

Thanks for your support darling. Hope you are getting through okay

 

[im_mi]

*nods* often the expectation of these things, the build up, can be so much worse than the reality. The wait will be hell, sweetie, but it will come to an end a happy one, with a gorgeous pic of your bouncing healthy baby on the screen!

 

[beachlover1]

Right you, telling off time....;-) calm down! (big hugs). Please stop worrying...so maybe you got the placenta maybe you didnt....but it wouldnt woosh without a HB surely! Go on youtube there are millions of doppler example HB sounds there. I dint get my doppler to work til 13 weeks!!

Every one of us that has had a MC feels like you, you are not ALone ok! BUT i promise it does get better. I now dont even consider booking a reassurance scan, I dont squish my boobs to see if they are sore (they arent) and nor I do i even feel sick...infact somedays I forget im pregnant...then I look at my unbuttoned trousers.

Its not long til your NT, it a nice in depth scan, we dread scans I know, but once its done you WILL start to relax! youre 11 weeks now, your MC risk has dropped considerably, and in a week you will be at a masive milestone.

We have to be brave for the sake of our LOs, please hang in there. speak to yr MW, maybe she can calm you down. xxxxxx

 

[bunnyg82]

Hey my lovely, although I have lots of worries about things along this pregnancy, they can't even begin to compare to what you're going through. I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you lots and I really hope these next 11 days go by quickly enough to get the reassurance you need

take lots of care sweetie xx

 

[Lawa]

Drazic Hun I got myself in such a state yesterday i started crying because it was snowing.

You are not alone please feel free to PM me we can bark at curtains together

 

[bky]

The week or so before the scans was the hardest for me. My OH saying things like 'I hope it's still alive in there' didn't help either. MMC is just horrible because you lose all trust in your body.
I just turned my brain off and kind of pretended I wasn't pregnant until the NT scan. I did have an early scan at 8 weeks, but the week after that I was back to quietly freaking out.
I never had a doppler either, I didn't want to scare myself.

 

[WW1]

I just wanted to say that I totally sympathise. My pregnancy was after a MMC and I spent much of it paranoid - the first tri was definitely the hardest though. It does get easier.

I got through it by having lots of milestones - 12 wk scan, beginning to show, hearing heartbeat (I deliberately didn't buy a doppler), mw appts, 20 week scan, first feeling LO move, 24 weeks and viability (that was a biggy for me) etc. etc. This helped to make the time go faster and made me realise that this pregnancy wasn't the same as the last one.

I've now got a beautiful little girl - it will happen for you as well. I know it's a daft thing to say but try to enjoy each day (especially after your 12 wk scan) as you'll look back with your LO and realise what an incredible time pregnancy is.

Good luck