Am I being selfish? ttc after mc at aged 20

[MariaRose]

Hi girls, new here,

Had mc almost exactly 2yrs ago and ever since then I have massive waves of broodyness (if that's a word!?). They get me down and I feel like such a bad person for wanting a baby so badly as I am so young (20) and don't have my own house or anything like that.
The daddy of my angel left me one month after mc (it gets better, mc was on christmas day and he was off on a skiing holiday!), we had been together a year and a half.
My mum was mega supportive, she is great. She's very "proper" so I had never imagined that telling her I was pregnant at 18 would have gone down so well.
I am in an open/casual and long distance relationship at the moment, so don't think baby talk would go down well! Although he LOVES babies and never shuts up about his baby neice (which really doesn't help!)

What to do?

Am I being selfish thinking about having a baby just because I want one?

Please help, feeling like crap.

 

[emilyrose.x]

Hey hun , firstly sorry to hear about your loss and what happened

I was pregnant at 18 (me and my OH were trying) but MC on 18th Dec at 6weeks 2 days, was my birthday yesterday so i am now 19 *yay*

Didnt want to read and run, the ladies on here are great - im currently going through a a natural MC and have my check up scan on 12th jan, once we know our angel has gone we are going to try again straight away..

I dont think its selfish hun, just think you need to know that the relationship you are in is going to be a serious one when the little baba comes along so you know for yourself that you are going to have some support as well as your mum

if you need to chat just drop me a message

Em x

 

[MariaRose]

thanks hun, sorry to hear about your losses too

I know how you are feeling right now, our angel took over 10 days to get to heaven. It's painful in both ways.

It's great that you are confident enough to try straight after

I just feel stupid aswell as selfish, I feel like most 20yr olds should totally NOT be wanting a baby. A few of my friends who have found themselves pregnant have all had the "A" word which has really made me feel like I am the weird one actually wanting a baby.

I am confident that I would get alot of support. My grandparents and extended family are always making jokes, hinting that I should have a baby soon, as i'm the oldest out of my generation. And I know the bf would be over the moon if I announced, but not too sure he would actually be up for ttc..
..and kind of need him! Haha.

 

[emilyrose.x]

thanks sweety

Iv been bleeding non stop for over 2 weeks now, started calming down now though.. tbh im abit scared that i may MC again because it was my first pregnancy fingers crossed the next one will be a sticker Arw' iv got mates like that, its not weird hun.. when you know your ready then your ready thats how i see it

Arw' thats brill that you got all that support iv got 2 younger brothers and one younger sister and they was all really excited for me and want me to keep trying, my mum wiped out all her pregnancy books the day i find out and told her lol! its great when you've got alot of support

Hahah 'i kind of need him' << maybe just drop hints about having a baby? like when you see baby clothes in shops and check his reaction?

Em x

 

[HayleyJJ]

oh babes its normal to feel like that xx

 

[MariaRose]

maybe just drop hints about having a baby? like when you see baby clothes in shops and check his reaction? <<<< haha, good idea! Might try that

I can't remember exactly how long I bled for but it seemed like forever. Then, nearing the end I had contractions and went to hospital. Apparently it was my body getting rid of the last bits

I heard that once you have actually fallen pregnant, then it is easier to concieve again. Good luck with everything!!
Also you are really fertile straight after a pregnancy, so it's great that you're going to try again so soon!

 

[emilyrose.x]

Haha thats what started things off with me and my OH, he saw some really tiny timberlands and i was supprise when he burst out with "arwwww!!" haha

Yea its been really draining, previously been changing pads every hour ..

thats what iv heard too hun, fingers crossed all will go well.. on 12th i should hopefully get some idea of whats happening because at the moment i am just clueless *d'oh*

Best of luck with everything babes' ,

Big hugs, Em x

 

[wishful1]

I would definitely try to feel out your sig other first and talk about it before you are committed to raising a child together. While at first he might be very excited you want someone who will be there for you & baby for the long term . . .

Just my thoughts, you must know him and how he would react, best of luck!

 

[MariaRose]

Thanks wishful1, my thoughts too. Will do some investigating

Em, good luck with everything! My bloke does that kinda thing too, he just loves babies and everything to do with them, but just gota figure out if he actually wants his own without scaring him!

 

[emilyrose.x]

Best of luck with it sweety keep me updated fingers crossed for you!!

Em xx

 

[MariaRose]

Em, will do! You keep me updated too. I look forward to hearing your news!

 

[emilyrose.x]

i will do babes'
il keep my fingers crossed for the both of us
*eek*
xx

 

[shelleney]

Hi Maria.
First of all, I wanna say sorry for your loss. Even though it was 2 years ago, I know the pain never goes away.
I am 23, and lost my baby 7 months ago to an ectopic pregnancy. Luckily, my OH and I are still together, and are trying again now.

I feel for you, Hun, that you are no longer in a stable relationship. Once you have been pregnant, once you have carried a baby inside you, the urge to be a Mummy never goes away. You are desperate to hold a baby in your arms, and until you do, you will never be happy. Luckily for most women who suffer a loss, they stay with the father, and can try again when they are ready. Unfortuneately for your, you are not with your Angels' daddy any more, and do not feel that your new relationship is stable enough. I really feel for you Hun.

It is totally not selfish to want a baby with your new OH. It is completely understandable. But i would urge you to wait until the relationship is stable enough, until you have had a conversation with your OH. I know you have a supportive family, but I think a baby deserves to have both its Mummy and Daddy in its life, and you deserve to have the support of the babys father.

I hope that this doesnt sound a though I am lecturing you, because that is not how I mean it at all. My heart really goes out to you, and I really want you to have the baby that you desire. I just think that you need to be in the right situation first. Talk to your OH, consider moving in together, and set up a safe and happy home to bring a baby into.

Take care, Hun
xx

 

[MariaRose]

Thanks girls

Shelleney you are so right
After falling asleep every night knowing there is a little boy or girl growing inside you, already thinking about names etc and then to have that taken away from you is really difficult. And it really angers me how my then OH was caring and supportive at the time, but then left me one month later, when I was at my lowest. Really messed me up!

I really do feel like I won't be happy until I have a baby in my arms (selfish I know). It feels like being in limbo, almost like I didn't have an mc but instead an ultra long prenancy/wait until I meet my baby, if that makes any sence?!

Ok now I sound really haha!

 

[shelleney]

You are not selfish and you are not crazy.
You are just a mother without a child.
Be kind to yourself, Hun.
And I am here if you need to talk
xx

 

[MariaRose]

Thanks hun
Need to stop beating myself up about everything I guess!

 

[SammieGrace]

You are not selfish and you are not crazy.
You are just a mother without a child.
Be kind to yourself, Hun.
And I am here if you need to talk
xx

I couldn't agree more. Being a mother without a baby is one of the most horrid things I think a woman can go through. I know it was for me, and until I have the baby in my arms, I know I will still struggle with it. We all know what you are going through.

 

[MoonlessNight]

I'm sorry about your loss. I can't imagine what that would be like, and my heart goes out to you.

Your post reminds me of the movie "The Backup Plan" a little bit. I think it's fine for women to want to have babies because they are ready to/want to become a mother. As long as you have realistic expectations of what having a baby entails.

As for your age... I know a 35 year old woman who still has a long way to go before she will be mommy ready. I also know a 16 year old girl who was pretty much BORN to be a mother. She's been pretty much a second mother to my DD since DD was 4 months old (the girl was 13 at the time). I don't think age has a lot to do with being ready for a child. I'm not at all promoting teens getting pregnant on purpose, but I think being a good mother is not all about age.

I think what you should really look at is if you have enough money and a good support system to really bring a child into this world right now. If your answer is yes, then perhaps its worth considering a little more.