Am i being selfish Very long sorry (Update)

[natalie85]

ok this week cut out doing one thing, not a massive thing and take it from there, if she moans and u feel you cant get through to her either write her a letter just explaining how u feel, or is there someone that she does listen to?
it would be interesting to see how she is doing at work, has she got people running around after her there? or does she carry on as normal?
is this the first pregnancy you have been through, if so ask her to explain whats happening each week and go to appointments with her and maybe bring up everything u are doing, i know its best to stay as active as u can through pregnancy as long as u can (not been told otherwise by docs) this is why i've tried not to change my routines too much only thing i wont do is heavy lifting!!

 

[Yazz_n_bump]

Maybe she feels like your being a lil clingy? I can understand her not wanting you to be clung to her at night time, as it's bloody uncomfty at night with a huge bump lol. Tell her she needs to say thanks now again though.

 

[oread]

It does sound like she is being selfish and taking advantage of your kindness, but I agree that you are probably being a bit too protective as well.
And try not to take it too personally if she isn't feeling very cuddly. I'm normally a very affectionate person and love to be snuggled all the time, but since I have been pregnant I'm really not in the mood for it. I used to get mad if my hubby didn't snuggle with me when we slept, but now it just makes me super uncomfortable because it usually makes me too hot and makes it really hard for me to change positions. I feel super guilty about it but I always want to just elbow him and push him away, but its not because I love him any less! She might not even notice how she is acting so you should probably just mention it to her. Just be careful how you phrase it, but if you are non-confrontational about it and just let her know that you are feeling a little unappreciated she'll probably think more about how she is acting.

 

[miss cakes]

well i think its lovely everything you are doing for her and believe me im the very last person to stick up for any man at the moment lol but i have to agree with your mum your wifes taking the piss a bit its all well and good helping out with practical things like getting her socks on and stuff as she finds it harder to bend down and running her a baths lovely but you dont have to sit there and wash her afterwards seems like everything you do for her then goes a step further you realy got to stop yourself because all you will do is get on her nerves and you will just feel unappreciated like you do now so my advice would be just step back and tone it down a little

 

[meowmeow]

...

 

[meowmeow]

wow!! i would really talk to her!!! my hubby is fantastic, but i would never let him do all that for me, we are pregnant not ill!!! i could understand helping with socks etc but that would be later on when she cant bend down!! i would say she is taking advantage really!! and you are doing too much for her, try talking to her and taking a step back!! good luck!!

very well said

 

[jellytot3]

Its lovely how you look after your wife and haven taken such care and interest in the pregnancy. If you dont mind doing those things for your wife then carry on but its very unfair for her to be off with you. I think you need to sit her down and have a chat. You are not being selfish at all.. I hate it when my husband is off with me and it worries me/annoys me senseless! Your wife might just be feeling hormonal and down, I get these days ALOT and dont fancy cuddles or kisses. Definitely talk to her, it will do her good to get things off her chest, you aswell.
x

 

[lindsayscoob]

What a lovely man to be doing this for your wife. I admire your devotion to her. I to am lucky enough to have a wonderful husband who would do anything for me. However, I would never let him do so much for me. I would hate to be treated as a piece of china just because I am pregnant. My DH was told early on that I will ask for help if I need it, if I feel I can't do something then I will say. Otherwise let me get on with it, I'm lucky enough to have an easy pregnancy and have been fit and well throughout, so his extra help hasn't been needed. If he started to insist on me having baths so I didn't slip, and washing me and my hair I would actually lose my patience. Maybe your wife is feeling suffocated and she's trying to get you to back off without hurting your feelings. An extra cup of tea, a nice dinner cooked, the bathroom cleaned, or bed changed is lovely, but to actually be doing so much is seriously ott. Especially when its not appreciated.

 

[msflowerfairy]

I nearly vomited when i read that you ran her bath, washed her, washed her hair etc. OMG! nothing has changed since i have been pregnant, in fact i got up with Hubby this morning at 05:30 to make him a cup of coffee, and chat to him before he went to work at 6am.
I then started painting the bathroom at 8am, so i can finish it today before i get 2 buses to Asda so i can do the weekly shop.
Hubby will then meet me there to drive the shopping home (and me)
I will then run him a bath, and cook tea once i have put the shopping away.

Yes i get tired, but i rest when i do, and i certainly don't take the pish out of my Hubby...honestly she needs to get a grip.

 

[Skydust]

Hey, I cannot believe you are bathing you wife????? I would think it quite strange if my OH was bathing me and helping me dress by putting my socks on.. she is pregnant not disabled!! There is always a risk we can fall etc etc... but you cannot surround her in cotton wool, she is a woman and is to be a mum.. and at the end of the day a bus could run you over tomorrow so you cannot always protect her... you need to pull out of caring for her as she needs to care for herself and you need to look after you!!

I cannot believe you are doing so much... my partner does some stuff like cat litter tray and carrying heavy things, but othwerwise he leaves me to my own devices and is there when I need him (when I am not in a mood about something and thinking irrationally erk hormones).. you need to stop mummying her for one... do the essentials and just be there, but stop enslaving yourself to her. My OH says if he feels I am not appreciating him and would not put up with me treating him so badly and would be no slave to me pregnant or not...

It sounds like she is taking and not giving.. you need to harden up I think mate, I understand you love her but at what cost is all I can say. Oh and she could catch a cold from anywhere.. you shouldn't have to sleep separately.. if she had swine flu or something I can understand your concern, but jesus lots of women catch colds when pregnant is why we have an immune syststem!! I am sorry I can see you love her, but what are you doing and does she love you back..??

I am so sorry you are in the situation you are and it sounds like she is using the pregnancy.. I mean has she been seriously unwell or something is that why you are overcaring?? Sorry If I appear insensitive...

 

[msflowerfairy]

I don't think you are insensitive, just very honest, and a realist.

I think i would go bonkers if my OH was at my every beck and call.

 

[oldmamamia]

can i swap you for my other half please????? x im running around after 4 other kids and him and no one so much as lifts a finger to help, ive tried shouting and screaming and crying and have also tried to calmly explain how exhausted i am and a little bit of help would be great but no luck, they cant even pick their dirty clothes up of the floor let alone make a bed. If i was getting loads of love from him i wouldnt mind, hes totally gone off me in a sexual way and even the hugs and kisses have ground to a halt, reading your post has made me realise just how bad things have got, feel real sad now

 

[Lawhra]

I admire your love and devotion but blimey man, she is more than capable of looking after herself. I am not at all surprised her response to your mum's remark. I know of a woman who is lazy, over weight and does jack all around the house despite the fact she doesn't work and it's because her husband does it so she lets him. He only has himself to blame as I'm really sorry if I sound harsh but so do you.
Yes the hormones could very easily be making her less affectionate, at times I don't even want my OH talking to me, let alone hugging me! But it is not all the time. As has been said she could be feeling smothered and that is making her frustrated and wanting space.
I still do everything for my OH but when I am heavily pregnant I will expect more help, but not until then. I was pretty shocked to see she is only 17 weeks, after reading your post I thought she would be much further than that!

It is wonderful that you are so loving and helpful and I don't think you should ever change that, if only more were like you! But maybe tone it down a little.

I hope you can manage to talk to her and you get your deserved affection from her. Keep your patience as that will help her get there sooner

 

[lilyanne]

You seem like a very sweet husband and seems like your heart is in the right place. Have you asked your wife what she wants though? Does she want you in the shower with her washing her hair or is she doing it pacify you? Did she ask you to throw out your stuff and rearrange the room or did you do that on your own? I know that I personally would go bonkers if my husband was coddling me like that. I probably sound really mean right now but I think that I wouldn't appreciate your actions as they would seem smothering/controlling to me and I would probably be resentful, especially if you were doing those things and expecting praise and thanks. I've read some of your earlier posts and it seems like your wife really doesn't expect/want you to be doing all of these things. Perhaps back off a bit and give your wife some space. If she wants or needs something she will ask. I think you are well meaning but not every woman is looking for that type of involvement.

 

[Skydust]

I agree with Lily to.. stop smothering her it only breeds resentment.. x

 

[Lucky777]

My husband will do anything for me even before I were pregnant, I've gotten so use to it that i realized i am actually not giving him the attention he deserves. Mostly now i do everything i can do myself. You should definitely talk to her and if that doesn't help just stop doing it, then she will realize what she has in you.... she is just so use to it she forgot about how you feel. Good luck and i hope all turns out well for you.

 

[bobblebot]

wow...i'ma single parent now and would love a partneras caring and thoughtful as you....but pregnancy is notan illness and beingyour wife's 3rd child she should know this. Sounds like she is taking advantage of you....i could understand maybe at about 30 weeks onwards you doing these things but at 17 weeks (i'm 16) you feel quite normal and pregnancy doesn't unless high risk affect much at all-you actually feel much better.

you obviously care so much about what's best for your wife and baby, but sounds like your wife is taking it for granted. try to encourage your wife to 'do' a bit more as hate to say it when the baby is born you might end up doing everything!

explain to your wife how you feel, exhausted, unnapreciated etc and try to find a happy medium. i'm on my own, no-one to rub my back or do anything, miles away from family and with 4 teenagers and a 3 year old to deal with and a house move in a few months. your wife needs emotional support but please don't treat her like a china doll....because really it will not do either of you any good in the long run.

congrats on your baby and i hope things all work out for you.

 

[lilwelsh1]

hello.
When i first started reading your post i thought wow my hubby does a fair few things for me, maybe i forget to say thank u or at least be affectionate on the odd occaision. Then i thought wish my hubby was that attentive but i would find it suffocating (sorry thats me personally). Honestly u sound like an absolutely amazing guy and your wife is lucky to have someone so caring. I would suggest maybe stepping back a bit tho, you are going to burn yourself out completely and then u will be no use at all. I cant bath or shower alone as i become dizzy or faint so my DH just simply checks on me now n then by popping his head round the door. He will pop out if i have ran out of grapefruit or toffee but not all the time as he works nights.

I think u should maybe do a little less, and take some time for yourself im sure your wife will appreciate what u do more if every now n then u say no or simply dont do everything. Its become the norm and part of everyday routine. Out of the blue rare acts of kindness are more appreciated than when something thats done daily such as the washing up, me n hubby take turns and neither thanks the other for doing it as its routine. I hope this makes sense and is coming across in the nicest way possible. There are things us pregnant ladies need the OH to do such as poop scooping the cat litter tray or dragging around heavy furniture, helping carry the folded washing up the stairs if theres a lot of it.

As for your mum yes women do have babies everyday but YOU dont become a dad everyday. Of course there r things u r going to want to talk about and know about. Maybe u could point this out? I did when my mum decided to remind me of that fact. I gaveup talking to her in the end, shes quite negative about my pregnancy. Thats parents for u some can seem disinterested, dont let that spoil your experience. Becoming a dad must be very different as to be fair i reckon the dad isnt considered very often. All the best xx

 

[dbspider]

Well last night we had a chat (would you beleive at 3am ) as she couldnt sleep for some unknown reason after the chat she said i think its cause we know each other too well and if there something on your mind i know about it, but anyway

I told her that i felt like i was doing everything and getting nothing back which she looked and said what do you mean getting nothing back so told her what i had put on post and she burst into tears. She said yeh you do everything for me but i thought thats what you wanted to do

I replyed yeh i dont mind doing them but when it feels now like a job instead of enjoyment as get no thank you no give and take just take.

Still in tears

She said oh no please dont feel like that , i love everything you do for me and god knows how you do it but you do and yeh i do let you do it for a few reasons
1) When i was with him (her ex) he did nothing for me and with you doing all this for me just makes me feel so special

2) I know how you need to feel like doing things either in the house or for me as it helps you feel less worried about everything and i hate to see you worry about everything and really hate it when you get your self that worked up you end up on your tablets and i have seen since i have been pregnant that you have not needed them as much and i know it is you who is showing me the love and effection not the meds

3) I sometimes wish you would stop fussing over me and let me do things but i dont want to to start and worry about everything again like the past few nights when you slept on the sofa who cares if i get the cold yeh i might be grotty but it will go i would rather have you beside me on friday night i cryed as you were not there for me to cuddle into u and feel so comfy but was worried that i would upset you and you would then begin to worry that u were not being there for me which we both know you would do

i dont expect you to do any of the things you do for me and yeh what person would not love the amount of pampering you give me but at times i do it as i am worried that you will start to worry and i sit and grit my teeth although i hate it due to that. I dont know how to tell you half the time just too let me do it as you kept on saying when we found out i want to help out i dont want to be shoved to the side and not be involved which i thought i was letting you do in your own way but i am not going to show you appreciation all the time as i am actually really pissed at you not letting me do the things that are normal but just dont want you getting all worked up and end up a week on your tablets as you are not you on them

i just sayed oh no im so sorry i did not know you hated it .

oh dont get me wrong as i said what woman would not love to be pampered like this and i know i am so lucky to have you and i know you care for everyone of us but i know you get too worried about everything and just did not want to make you start and worry that you were doing too much for me and you knowing you werent doing enough remember i have seen you when you have went into full melt down (when i hit the max level of my anxiety) and i get too upset seeing you like that and know how you feel when i am pregnant not being able to do anything dont know what to do knowing that useless feeling as when you hit melt down i feel the same way

thats what i started to do and in turn she started and said if you want to do something for me then just say and i promise i will try and tell you in the polites way possible no or yes but dont ever feel like i dont love you for what you are and yeh if i dont say thank you then think ooopppss maybe should have let her do it herself oh and as for the bump rubbing do you really need to do it just as i am dropping off as when you do it this little one starts to try and catch your hand i think which gets really anoying oh and while we on the subject i want a bloody shower tomorrow as long as you turn that setting back to the massage spray instead of the girly trickle you have as i dont know how to work the thing thats why had to get you to do it all the time. And at that she got up and made me a brew and got some drink for herself and came back up and drank it and then snuggled into each other and her last words were i love you but we can sure we always find something that makes us love each other more

So in the end yes it was a lack of communication so note too all the dads to be talk to them as no matter what you do can either sit back and let them get on with it or do everything for them they are ladys who know what they want so you are best to let them tell you and not what you think

Sorry for another long post and thank you to all the comments ladys maybe this time next week i might actually have enough energy to run around you all and pamper you

 

[blackthickpea]

LOL