Am I being unfair?

[Chilli]

Ok, so 2 months on and I have a confession to make.
You see my baby died at 8 weeks, it was a MMC so we discovered at 11 1/2 weeks. I realised that at 8 weeks I had had a REALLY horrible virus, it was so bad that I barely ate that week as I couldn't swallow. My 2 year old was doubled up with tummy pains the same week and had a viral rash. When we took her to the doc she said that it was all part of a really nasty virus. I mentioned this to one of my friends who said "oh yes my daughter had that last week". She had been to visit us the Friday before fully aware that her DD and her would be carrying this awful virus and that I was in 1st tri!! When I asked the GP if this could have been the cause she said it was probably co-incidence, but I'm sure that was what caused Sol's heart to stop - it was a really nasty virus!
The same friend has since been completely unsupportive, never asks me about how I'm feeling, did nothing to acknowledge what had happened to us and is the same friend I mentioned in an ealier thread who asked me to look after her 2 yr old if she was taken in early (she was 8 months pg) without any consideration for the thought that at the time I could barely get myself out of bed.
So here's the thing: I still blame her. I know she didn't do anything delibrately, but she was so careless and had she told me before that her DD had been ill that week I wouldn't have met up. And that's been eating me up. I finally confessed to my DH last night and he agreed that it could've been what happened.
So, I know I can trust you girls to be honest and understanding - have I just lost the plot or would you feel the same?

 

[Sarah88]

I would feel the same!
You poor thing!

 

[dan-o]

Chilli, I felt like this too!

I had the most awful cold/virus round the time mine died, so bad it knocked me off my feet.
I only got it from one of two places, the EPU waiting room or my MIL who came to visit.

 

[Widger]

I feel for you Chilli and sorry for your loss. I'm not sure how I would feel.

I just think you need to be careful that you don't let this eat you up inside. Trouble is, we are always looking for reasons/excuses why a mc happens as it seems the only thing we've got. I've had 3 mc and I have thought over and over about what it could have been, what I could have done to have avoided them... who knows why it has happened? Hopefully I'll get some news next week at the hospital. I've just got a feeling that I'm going to be one of those unlucky ones with no explanation - just bad luck.

The fact though she has been completely unsupportive to you would make anyone feel unhappy, especially as she's about to have a baby herself. Try to distance yourself from her for now as it will no doubt make things a bit easier.

Suppose I just wanted to say be careful it doesn't drag you down... try to remain positive about things xx

 

[Schmelly]

Oh that's a tough one. It was probably just an unlucky coincidence, but I'm sure that, in your shoes, I'd feel exactly the same. I think a bit of distance is probably the answer. Give it some time, and at some point you may start to feel differently. I don't know. I'd be just the same as you, and would probably feel very angry. The trouble is that you'll never know if that was the cause or not. It's just guess work.

If this was a close friend then it might be worth trying to work through your feelings so that you can get past them and salvage the friendship. If she was more of a casual friend, I think that distancing yourself may be the best thing.

 

[coccyx]

I can sort of understand, but you have no proof your misc was caused by this. Miscarriages are sadly very common. We all mix with people who i am sure are carrying all sorts of bugs, doesn't mean it was her.
Be careful not to let it consume you. You say she has not been supportive, have you spoken to her?. Perhaps shes not sure what to say or do. In my experience many people say nothing rather than saying something that might upset you.

 

[Shelby2007]

I understand why you want to put the blame on something.. I think that's the biggest part about it.. since missed miscarriages are soo unexplanable.. we often look for something to latch onto.. that we can blame.. mine was - my husband had been on FertilAide.. sounds stupid now.. or that I had some caffeine when I knew I shouldnt.. but sadly.. it's just something that happens.. and it sucks..

Sad thing is.. I wouldnt call her a friend though if she didnt even acknowledge the mc.. but maybe she simply just didnt know what to say.. who knows.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Chilli]

THanks for your support guys, I know in my heart of hearts you'll all right and I just just let this one go. In answer to your question coccy yes I did speak to her quite frankly actually, but she has been no more supportive since, so I guess it didn't work. I will try to just let it go now.
Thanks again all

 

[Rainstar]

Hi Chilli,

So sorry for your loss. It's really natural to want to find a cause, all of us do it! I'm not sure how i would react in that situation but i do know i'd be really hurting inside. Hope you are okay x

 

[londongirl19]

oh you poor thing, Its really normal to feel this way and frankly your friend was pretty thoughtless to bring her sick child to your house in the condintion you were in. Why take risks? I had something like that happen to me back in the years when I was going through IVF- it was the first IVF cycle and my neighbour/friend was the only one who know that I was undergoing the treatment. She brought her daughter over for a visit when she (the daughter) was getting over chicken pox. two weeks later - on the day i was to have our embryos transfer, we discovered that my husband had chicken pox. Needless to say, the cycle was cancelled, the embryos destroyed and we were devastated. I didnt blame her or accuse her of anything as she was so supportive. But her thoughtlessness could have been the cause of the chain of events that led to us ending the treatment. who knows whether that cycle would have been the one that would have worked? 7 years later, I'm still childless. Our friends and family really do need to be alittle more attentive - i think!

It sounds like you need to distance yourself from her - at least for now... big hug.xx