Am I being unreasonable? Help!!

[Linny]

Any advice would be great on this

So OH's family live quite far away from us (at least a 7 hour day of travel!) and I recently found out they wanted to be with us when the baby is born. I would honestly love that becos I get on really well with them, the problem is they would be staying in our house!

As I am hoping to breast feed, I was hoping on it just being the three of us for at least a week or two to get into a little routine and spend the time bonding as a family before we had any house guests!

I explained this to OH who seemed to come round to my feelings and he thought we could maybe all go up and see them after a month or more and that way see all his family. When explaining this to his mum, rather than telling her the truth he made out he would prefer us to go to them and we would make the journey TWO weeks after baby is born!!

He felt so bad after getting off the phone he said ' we better go up now when its two weeks old' but how can I say that we will?? Its our first and have no idea what to expect, I honestly would have preferred them to come to us after a couple of weeks but now OH thinks I'm being unreasonable and I'm feeling like crap about it!

No one seems to have considered me in all this! Sorry for the long rant but feeling really down about baby coming now

 

[CeriB]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!!!! You don't know what is going to happen when bubs is here - you may feel 100% fine and really look forward to seeing family, or you may be so wiped out, you just wanna be bed bound for the first month. I don't think you can set plans in stone that close to birth. Could you say that you will go up when you're ready to travel?

Also, I didn't think it was advise to do long distance travels for the first month or so anyway? My family live 5 hours away and I've heard that it is not advisable to travel for long durations too early - also, bubs would want feeding every 2-3 hours so would you stop each time? That would make your journey even longer!!

The more I think about it - the more unrealistic it is becoming IMO. But then - each to there own! You just don't know how you feel until afterwards!

God luck - hope all gets sorted and you can enjoy your last few months!

 

[SBB]

Hey Linny

I totally agree with you, you don't want to be worrying about having to do anything 2 weeks after the baby...

He needs to phone back and tell them the truth. They will, or SHOULD understand that you want time alone with your family before people come to stay.

You will want to be in your own home and getting baby into a routine, not dragging him off 7 hours and having him in an unfamiliar house!

You're not being unreasonable at all, after the birth he will probably realise that, but now he should sort it out so his family are clear...

X x x

 

[pip holder]

Gah men!

I had something similar Linny - my MIL and BIL live the other end of the country, I was having a planned c section and said that they could come up the day before and stay in my house while I was in hospital, but the SECOND I was discharged, they had to leave.
I had no probs with them getting a BandB somewhere - just not physically staying (in my 2 bed flat) I wanted to establish feeding, or as I said to OH ' I want to sit crying and leaking in the middle of the night with your mum watching me like a hole in the head'

MIL had a real cob on and made me feel awful over it - I truly wasn't excluding them, I just knew that it was important for us 3 as a family to get a bit of time together, but I stuck to my guns over it and you should too.

This is the start of many tug of war visits for us so we need to nicely and politely stick to what it is we want and need. You will soooooo not want to do that journey after 2 weeks, get them up to you in a travelodge.

Best of luck chick xx

 

[Linny]

Thanks for your replies girls!

I thought about the feeding part while driving up there, OH said we can stop somewhere......coming from him who barely lets us stop for a wee when we normally go I just can't see it. I also heard a newborn shouldn't spend more than two hours in a car seat.

Plus I'l have midwife visits or health visitor coming over too so I just can't see it possible!

Pip....thats is how I feel about them staying with us so soon after the birth. We only have a two bed house, his parents aren't actually together so his dad would be on the couch. I would have no freedom to walk about the house, cry as i please, get angry anything really. I'l be constantly watching what i do or say!

I just want an easy life but OH is sulking about it and doesn't seem to get my point. I said can we not let them know when to come down but he said his dad has to book holidays, how can that be?? I don't even know WHEN i'll have it so that won't work!!

Ah well I'm sure it'l work out just needed a rant

 

[bigbetty]

Perhaps you could right your MIL a nice letter explaining how excited you are for them to see LO, and their support is going to be invaluable, but you don't feel that you can make any plans at the moment because you just don't know what is going to happen or how you will be feeling.

You could put that you don't want to risk making the long journey so soon after the birth because having to stop every couple of hours or so would add so much extra time onto an already very long journey but they would be more than welcome to come and visit after a couple of weeks.

Make it sound like a heart to heart from one mum to another - explain you know your partner just wants to make everyone happy but as a mother herself she will understand that you just want what is best for your baby and that a long journey so soon after birth won't be good for LO or you.

I'm sure if you get her on side there won't be any animosity and everyone will be happy. There is plenty of time for the rest of the family to see the baby!

 

[lozzy21]

Your not being unresonable at all! Both my dad and OHs dad live a few hours drive away and iv told OH that they can come up and see baby any time they want but i am not having any house guests untill mid febuary. If they want to come they will have to book into a b&b.

By the sounds of it, you get along with your MIL so i would just give her a ring and tell her what you realy want to happen. Explain your OH got the wrong impression during your conversation. You would love her to come and stay but not untill the midwife has signed you off and you are in the swing of BF. Tell her you dont fancy an audiance when your trying to stop milk randomly squirting in different directions, make a joke of it.

She cant ask for any more than that.

 

[dax]

Perhaps you could right your MIL a nice letter explaining how excited you are for them to see LO, and their support is going to be invaluable, but you don't feel that you can make any plans at the moment because you just don't know what is going to happen or how you will be feeling.

You could put that you don't want to risk making the long journey so soon after the birth because having to stop every couple of hours or so would add so much extra time onto an already very long journey but they would be more than welcome to come and visit after a couple of weeks.

Make it sound like a heart to heart from one mum to another - explain you know your partner just wants to make everyone happy but as a mother herself she will understand that you just want what is best for your baby and that a long journey so soon after birth won't be good for LO or you.

I'm sure if you get her on side there won't be any animosity and everyone will be happy. There is plenty of time for the rest of the family to see the baby!

Super advice Big Betty. I just don't think that OHs get whats happening, and he is obviously stuck in the middle of it all. Directly contacting your MIL will create a "mother" bond with her too, she will understand she's been through it all herself. Just explain its your first and its overwhelming. You don't need the extra stress.

Good luck

 

[amylou1992]

i most certinaly dont think you are been unreasonable, i can undestand 7 hours is a long way to travel with a newborn and i doubt very much it would be suotable when bubs is only two weeks old. we waited at least a month before traveling 5 hours to see family when my LO was born, even then traveled through the night so LO could sleep most of the time and not be stuck in traffic.

could they not travel up a few weeks after LO is born and maybe stay in a BnB or somewhere that way you still have the spcae you need?

 

[milamummy]

Dont think your being unreasonable..feels like it will be too much too soon..great advice BigBetty..keep the MIL onside My mum and sis planned to land on me the week after Id given birth but like u just couldnt imagine trying to BF,work my way round a schedule and have house guests at the same time..Just explained to her that we wanted some alone time with LO and to get ourselves a little sorted out before the visitors started coming and she understood..pretty sure ur MIL will too having been there herself

 

[Mizze]

You arent being unreasonable at all! And you are right no newborn should be in a car seat for more than 2 hours MAX and best if not more than an hour at a time to start with so a 7 hour journey when you have to keep stopping not only to feed but to make sure your Bubbs is not too long in the car seat sounds awful and is more likely to take you 10 hours. Also yes the Midwife will need to see and check up on you around that time

I agree with the other posters who have said write/speak to your MIL directly and have a Mum to Mum chat with her.

Mizze x

 

[Linny]

Thank you all for your great advice

I had a heart to heart with OH cos I really needed him to try understand where I was coming from and that I was not just trying to be difficult. He said that it was unreasonable of him to think at two weeks we'd be able to do the journey and that he just wanted to please everyone which I can completely understand. (he must have felt bad cos he went out and bought me lots of goodies from M&S and a maternity top )

He also said that he would like to 'handle' it so I left it to him to smooth things over. Not sure it worked becos he said she was very quiet. I think when he first called her she was upset that we didn't want her there right after the birth, I was hoping after having four herself she would understand but I think she feels quite hurt! The most important thing is that she knows that she is VERY welcome down here but that we will need the first couple of weeks to ourself.

I have a feeling OH wouldn't have put it that way and she probably still feels unwanted as we don't want them here right away, but I have to do whats best for my own little family. I will leave it a couple of days to let the dust settle and call her myself.

Thanks again girls

 

[sugarwag]

You are all so lovely! I am a right stubborn cow (totally holding my hands up to this) and I have made it very clear to OH and family what will be happening...

I think I only had one male family member get a bit arsey and my reply was "When you grow a vagina and squeeze a baby out of it, then you can decide when to have visitors round"

I see it as it is mine and OH's first child...the MIL's and other members of family had their children and did it their way...now it is our turn!

People may see that as harsh but I watched my Mum for years putting up with crap from my rather demanding and interfering nan (her MIL) and she is too sweet to say anything and just had to deal with it... I was born with a big gob and a stubborn nature and I fully intend to use it!!

Hope it all goes well xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Linny]

you just cracked me up! You put it brilliantly actually, its my turn to do what I want cos its my baby Love it x

 

[milamummy]

You are all so lovely! I am a right stubborn cow (totally holding my hands up to this) and I have made it very clear to OH and family what will be happening...

I think I only had one male family member get a bit arsey and my reply was "When you grow a vagina and squeeze a baby out of it, then you can decide when to have visitors round"

I see it as it is mine and OH's first child...the MIL's and other members of family had their children and did it their way...now it is our turn!

People may see that as harsh but I watched my Mum for years putting up with crap from my rather demanding and interfering nan (her MIL) and she is too sweet to say anything and just had to deal with it... I was born with a big gob and a stubborn nature and I fully intend to use it!!

Hope it all goes well xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"When you grow a vagina and squeeze a baby out of it, then you can decide when to have visitors round"

I dont think its harsh at all and I have also stated that the first 2 weeks are for me.dh and the baby and no-one else. If my MIL and FIL have got any prob with that then they will be put straight right away..You never get those first moments back so they should be cherished.

Good idea to let the dust settle then have a word with her yourself..good luck