Am i in the wrong?

[MrsT&Ben]

My (soon to be ex) husband and I split up just over a year ago. He gives me child maintenance every month. Always has, never late, never argued over paying it.

Before the summer holidays we agreed he would buy some of our sons school uniform which he has done but he has had a massive go at me saying he shouldn't have to pay extra out for clothes as he already gives me enough and I should be using the child benefit I get every month for them.

I asked him to buy pe kit and school shoes. Is that too much to ask? Should I not have asked him?? Hes made me feel like a massive bitch for asking him to contribute towards it.

 

[suzib76]

Without being nosey it does very much depend on the amount he is giving in maintenance. If it's a token £50 then I would fully expect him to help with clothes but if it's £100's then I think it's fair to say that's his contribution. Then again I find it completely odd that anyone can be so distanced from their child in that way. What would he not WANT to buy his child things?

 

[Tasha]

I think it depends on lots of things to be honest how much he usually pays, how much school uniform is needed and how much that costs (my daughter has a list of about twenty things she needs for school and it's costing me hundreds and hundreds of pounds), also if you're using the money to keep a roof over his head, food in belly etc.

Regardless of this as a parent, I'd not want my child going without so I would want to provide that for him.

 

[CaptainMummy]

My ex gives me £200 a month for the girls. I wasn't expecting anything for uniform, but he gave me extra money for dd1s school shoes (£50) He offered on his own, I wouldn't have asked.
It depends how much he is spending on uniform etc and how much he usually gives you. I personally wouldn't expect him to pay his usual maintenance and then cover uniform on top of that (isn't that what child maintenance is for? Anything that the child may need etc?)

 

[MrsT&Ben]

He gives me a £125 per child each month. The shoes he bought cost £18 even though he was supposed to buy Clarks. The pe kit cost less than 15 quid.
I'm buying all the school logoed stuff, trousers, bags etc. What I pay comes to far more than £32.

I know he gives me money for his children every month but I see school uniform as over and above normal every day necessity. I never ask for money towards anything else. Ever.

 

[Rhio92]

I'm in a similar position, I get £80 a month for DS, and I've asked him if he can either give me a little bit of extra money for uniform or buy his school shoes. I don't think it's unreasonable! The maintenance money he pays goes on food, bills, daily things he needs such as clothes, etc. School uniform is very expensive and the money barely covers it after everything else. It's a once a year expense and asking them to help out a little bit is not unreasonable.

FOB has said he'll help out. But every time I ask for it he gets all defensive. Looks like I'll be better off leaving the battle and trying to buy it all myself :/

 

[EverythingXd]

Legally he does not need to pay anything else other than the csa payment.

I think the csa payment is intended to cover all essentials, and I would actually include school uniform as essential (they have to wear a uniform to attend school). But there will be loads of non-essential stuff you pay for every week - who actually wants their kids to only have the essentials? I think it's sad when dads refuse to give any extra money because what they're saying is either they think the mum should pay for all treats and other non-essentials or that they don't want their kids to have treats.

I hope you manage to resolve it hun.

 

[.Mrs.B.]

I think it's a fair request. He is giving about £4 per day per child which isn't a lot when you take into account everything a child needs from food to days out etc.

 

[george83]

Unless you sat down and carefully worked out all the expenses you would need over the course of the year and that was the basis for your monthly payment I don't see why you shouldnt ask for more. Why should it always but you who has to make sacrifices, you've hardly asked for a massive monthly payment as it is. I know how hard it is as my oh left me for 6 months when I was still on maternity leave and he was giving me no money at all

 

[CaptainMummy]

Hmm. I still think it is unfair to expect more, but I'm not saying it is wrong to ask!
I find school uniform to be really cheap, so maybe thats why I dont see it as a big deal. My daughter doesnt have to wear logo stuff though. I can buy her skirts/shirts/cardis etc from Asda, and somebody else always offers to buy her schoolbag and lunchbox (my sister this year) so I really don't have to spend alot.

I just did that calculation and my ex gives me £2.20 per child per day. It seems ridiculous when you break it down like that!

 

[smileyfaces]

I can see it from both sides.

Personally, if it was me, I wouldn't have asked. Getting the maintenance and child benefit would be enough for me to think it's my responsibility to buy them with that money.

But that's not to say you are wrong to ask.

 

[stephx]

I wouldn't want it or ask for it tbh. I don't get anything from my ex but if I did I would assume that was his 'share' to feed and clothe them

 

[Tasha]

Is that the amount csa would say? If so I would bet a million pounds on that you spend more than 10-15% of your income on your children. It's so frustrating.

I spent more than he gives you for one child on my eight year olds uniform and more than what he gives you for both of them on my eleven year olds uniform. So I can totally see where you're coming from.

Unfortunately he's probably thinking that £250 is a lot of money when it doesn't even scrape the sides.

 

[MrsT&Ben]

I didn't expect him to give me any extra money. I thought I would ask as school uniform costs a lot of money. 1 school t-shirt costs £8.
Over the school holidays he hasn't had the children any more than he normally does. So I've had the added cost of entertaining them over the holidays.
He also expects me to pay for clothes for him to keep at his house.

 

[CaptainMummy]

You get more for your 2 children than I get for 3. I wouldn't say he should give me more money through the holidays (and my ex only has them 6hrs on a saturday, holidays or not. His choice.)
How often do your los stay at their dads? Mine has nothing of theirs at his house, but my girls dont stay, so it's not needed, but if they stayed over on the saturday I would just give him one outfit only each to keep at his.

 

[Springflower]

I would ask and I will be asking my ex to buy my daughter's school shoes.

 

[happycupcake]

I didn't expect him to give me any extra money. I thought I would ask as school uniform costs a lot of money. 1 school t-shirt costs £8.
Over the school holidays he hasn't had the children any more than he normally does. So I've had the added cost of entertaining them over the holidays.
He also expects me to pay for clothes for him to keep at his house.

Wow. He expects you to pay for their clothes to keep at HIS house?
Thing is, if you were living together your income would be shared, it would be a family income, not split into groups of his and yours and theirs. Like your income right now, is a shared income between you and your children. This is what CSA is attempting to cover, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking him to help out towards school uniform, on top of what he already pays, and I would fully expect him to clothe them himself at his house.
When my step son lived with his mother we would help with uniform, with extra things here and there if she asked, we would buy him clothes to keep with us and we would always make sure we washed and dried the clothes he came in and they would always return with him or at times we would end up swapping clothes without thinking but we didn't expect his mum to fork out for a wardrobe to be kept with us! We didn't expect her to cover absolutely everything on her own, and together we had more children at home than she did with her (he's her only child) but we wouldn't say we couldn't because we had child a b c to pay for etc.
I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask him to help with uniform, it's not as if this is an unnecessary thing you are asking for and if you lived together he would have to share his income and uniform would come out of that anyway, as would other expenses so I don't see the problem

 

[Lauraxamy]

I personally think it depends on what they earn, what you earn, how much they normally pay etc..
I don't ask my FOB, even now I have two of them at school from this September. He's quite good at other things though like paying towards childcare and he does provide them with lots at his house for when they're there, take them out etc and he will occasionally ask if they need new things and go and buy them. I do also work so I guess I don't mind paying for more than he does, if I didn't I'd probably make him pay for a lot more.

I can see your point though, I really can. Men pay x amount and think that covers it but when you break it down half the time it doesn't even cover the cost of one meal per day to feed them! It should be equal and 50/50 but it never seems to work out that way..

 

[catty]

I dont think your unfair at all but think would definately depend on how much spare money use both have. If he is totally skint after paying the child maintenance i could understand why he would be a bit reluctant but for my OH i know he would have plenty money left after that and would feel surely he wouldnt want me to struggle along to pay it on my part time wage when he could help me out as they are half his.
I dont think your wrong and you also have gave him quite cheap things to purchase. My son is starting nursery and for everything i think il be about £50 so if we were split up i would maybe ask if he wanted to choose something like school bag as a fun thing to do together as £50 is fine but if it cost me say £130 id be asking!

 

[Tasha]

No way should you be paying for stuff at his. That defeats him paying it to you.

The way I was thinking of it is they think £250 is a lot but here that doesn't even cover the jump in price from a one to a two bedroom per month. So technically they're not even keeping a roof over the kids head