And today we shall be debating . . .

[NaturalMomma]

I'm laid back. I encourage my children to do what makes them happy and if they have an interest in something we go with it.

 

[Murphy98]

The author of the aformentioned book was surprised at the weight and agreement between all of these studies so he too discusses changing his praise style with his own 5 year old and admitted he found it very challenging. I must admit, I catch myself assigning my son character traits about 50 times a day....."your georgous", "your so smart", "your so good" etc, etc - it just rolls off the tounge I'm glad I read this early because I think its a habit I really need to curb myself on as we move forward. It really gives one pause when you think about it a new way.

 

[aob1013]

aob13- yikes thats one heck of a childhood. I would just love to squeeze you right now because you sound so lovely and it shows such strength of character to still be a great mom even though you experienced such a negative upbringing. My kind of girl xxxxx

Thank you for your support

 

[Seity]

I was always told I could be anything I wanted if I was willing to apply myself and I was given complete freedom to decide on what I wanted. I think it made a huge difference in my life. I never once thought that there was something out of my reach. When I was in college I decided on a degree in a field that at the time (yes, I'm old) was very male oriented and my teacher pulled me aside and pointed out that I might run into difficulty because of that. I just looked at him like he was daft because it had never once occurred to me because I'd been told I could be anything I wanted. I was right too.
I will do the same for my LO. I never felt like I was pressured either.

 

[Tacey]

I'm reading 'Uncondtional Parenting' by Alfie Kohn at the moment. VERY interesting reading on this subject! I don't know if anyone here has read it but it's definitely leading me more towards not wanting to praise, reward or punish.

This radically changed my attitude on parenting. Reading it made so much slip into place. I was constantly praised as a child, and I really struggle to value anything I do unless someone else affirms it. I avoid praising Alice now (no star charts, 'good sharing!' type comments or rewards) and also avoid punishments like time out etc. I don't tell many people in real life about this, as they think you have to be some kind of monster not to praise, but lack of praise doesn't equal lack of love.

 

[Lightworker]

Tacey- I like your thinking about praise, but I was wondering, how do your ascertain(sp) that your children are genuinely confident ie feelings of worth that are not heightened nor diminished either by praise or criticism? Thats where I want my LOs to be. I have only just achieved that at the age of 25 and I would love my children to feel that way earlier.

 

[marie73]

I was encouraged fully by my mom and dad when I was growing up - they always went out of their way to ensure that I had everything I needed but also taught me the value of things so I was aware that I was extremely fortunate. I was encouraged to be sensitive to the needs of other people and show respect to others - I now work as a nurse specialist in palliative care so this is something I've continued in my adult life. There was always the expectation at home (and also at the grammar school I attended) that I would go to university - I did and have continued to study at post-graduate level too. I guess as an only child there was a huge expectation on me achieving and that can be difficult at times but I have a great relationship with my parents still and they continue to provide support.

I plan to encourage my daughter fully but will not be hard on her if she gets a C rather than an A - for me that was enough motivation to ensure I tried harder next time. I will also allow her to make mistakes (as long as they are not going to be harmful) as this is how you learn in life and I don't want her to be afraid to try things. She will always have a safe haven with her dad and I, and we won't be afraid to show her how much she, and other future children, are loved. I will always encourage her to work for what she wants in life, and that she can achieve whatever she aims for.

 

[sarahxx]

i think you should always offer support but also try and help along the right path, i want to help guide my LO down the right paths as she gets older. i don't think putting too much pressure on a child is right, but i do think that if you don't do your best to support and encourage them then they won't be the best that they can be xxx

 

[Tacey]

Tacey- I like your thinking about praise, but I was wondering, how do your ascertain(sp) that your children are genuinely confident ie feelings of worth that are not heightened nor diminished either by praise or criticism? Thats where I want my LOs to be. I have only just achieved that at the age of 25 and I would love my children to feel that way earlier.

I wish I could have the confidence you have! I'm still terribly affected by other people's opinions of me. That's the big reason I am going down the Unconditional Parenting route. I don't know for sure if it will mean Alice is secure in herself, I guess personality plays a big role in that, but I think it will help. Praise (it is argued in the book) gives an implicit feeling that your worth depends on your success. Without that, hopefully they will feel loveable, and valuable for who they are. As a first time mum, I'm just feeling my way through this, but the ideas ring true with me.

 

[tu123]

Really great topic and replies!

I hope to encourage LO in whatever she is good at and enjoys. I used to do sport competitively and came acorss a few parents who "lived" through their children. Their children (but nearly the age of adults) were spoilt, insecure and had no friends. This is not the way to be.

If my LO is struggling with something-it's ok-she hasnt found what she is good at-but she will eventually!

I was unfortunate in having a bitch of a mother (i can see why my father left) who called me a snob and let other kids call me that when i got a scholarship to a private garammar school. Not to mention spending my school clothing allowance on Pot for her idiot boyfriend and herself. When i was 4 and a haf stone with anorexia at 18 she said i finally looked good.

So yes! I will encourage my LO with anything she aspires to.

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Tacey- I like your thinking about praise, but I was wondering, how do your ascertain(sp) that your children are genuinely confident ie feelings of worth that are not heightened nor diminished either by praise or criticism? Thats where I want my LOs to be. I have only just achieved that at the age of 25 and I would love my children to feel that way earlier.

I wish I could have the confidence you have! I'm still terribly affected by other people's opinions of me. That's the big reason I am going down the Unconditional Parenting route. I don't know for sure if it will mean Alice is secure in herself, I guess personality plays a big role in that, but I think it will help. Praise (it is argued in the book) gives an implicit feeling that your worth depends on your success. Without that, hopefully they will feel loveable, and valuable for who they are. As a first time mum, I'm just feeling my way through this, but the ideas ring true with me.

Same here. Although I am a bit better than I used to be, I am way too concerned about what people think of me.
My parents praised and rewarded me all through my school days and I did well, but I underachieved terribly at uni and to an extent in work. When nobody external was motivating me, I lacked the genuine drive to do well. From reading the book I feel this may well be connected.
I haven't finished the book yet but I'm on board with everything I've read so far.

 

[iHeartbaby#1]

I think i will parent similarly to my parents as well. I will encourage my kids to try everything at least once. For example sports, band, etc. If they give it an honest try and don't like it, i will not force them to continue. If they try it and love it but try to back out for some reason like not feeling good enough or being scared i will encourage them to continue.

I was in gymnastics when i was little except i joined a bit later than everyone else. I could not do any of the things they could do, and even though it was fun i felt inferior and wanted to quit. My parents told me it would get better and urged me to continue. By the end of the year i was brilliant and even won an award (which is still stored away in my hope chest).

 

[indy and lara]

For me it is about finding a hapy medium. Excess praise is meaningless. If you clap and cheer at every little detail (good sitting, nice eating, lovely playing etc) then there is no differentiation between that and praising for something which as required substantial effort, eg. writing a story, building a model.

I think it can be important to remark upon things which are tried but not necessarily successful, especially if it has been done to the best of the child's ability. Trying your best and trying even if you don't succeed need to be acknowledged- something along the line of,' that was a good try. I know that you didn't quite manage but I can see how hard you tried/ it was a lot of fun giving it a go, etc.

I do not feel comfortable never praising. That does not lie well with me, I don't work like that in my professional life and wouldn't with my child. I think it can be easy for children to misunderstand this approach as you not valuing their efforts. Raising confident children is such a minefield!

 

[Lu28]

I have also read Nurture Shock and would agree that it's important to praise efforts rather than the end result. This is how my parents brought me up, my dad in particular. His motto has always been to strive for excellence and that's what he tried to instill in us. It doesn't matter what you do or what the end result is as long as you try your absolute best. When we did achieve something great, he would praise us for this too but we always knew that the only way we could ever disappoint him was by not trying our best. This is how I intend to be with Aisling too.

All that said, my sister and I were brought up exactly the same. I did very well at school, uni, post grad degrees and professional qualifications. I have never needed anybody to push me to achieve, I do that myself. I value other people's opinions but I weigh up those opinions and make my own decision, confident it is right for me. My sister on the other hand underachieved a bit through school etc and didn't do as well as she could have at uni. Partly because she didn't do the degree she wanted because she did what she thought my parents wanted her to do. So it goes to show that even when two children are brought up in the same way, the differences in their own personalities has a huge impact.

 

[angel2010]

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