Anti-"positive mental attitude" thread!

[Smiler13]

Hi all,

Before this mini-rant, I would first like to say that I find this site and the ladies on here really helpful. And that I generally consider myself a positive person.

I would just like to say, though, that a "positive mental attitude" (PMA) approach to pregnancy after loss, whilst I'm sure is really helpful to some, is not for everyone (myself included). It is normal to worry, feel low at times, and think about losing another baby (instead of or in addition to having happier thoughts and hopes). And that's OK.

Similarly, the sentiment (when ladies are experiencing bleeding or worrying news) that "all will be well", "have faith" etc., doesn't necessarily help either. Often, of course, all will be well, but sadly sometimes it isn't, and the time when one doesn't know what's happening or will happen is a horrible limbo of uncertainty.

Also, it is not the case that negative thoughts / anxiety / stress will somehow hurt the baby. I have seen this suggested on this site and elsewhere, and it makes me angry. It is not true and can make women feel guilty (about feeling that way) in addition to anxious.

Just had to get this off my chest!

 

[Las78]

Hi Hun,

Glad you could get that off your chest

I would just like to say, though, that a "positive mental attitude" (PMA) approach to pregnancy after loss, whilst I'm sure is really helpful to some, is not for everyone (myself included). It is normal to worry, feel low at times, and think about losing another baby (instead of or in addition to having happier thoughts and hopes). And that's OK.

Of course it's ok hun, everyone deals with things differently and while PMA thoughts may not be for you, it is for many of us. Just knowing that others are thinking positive for me helps me to be more positive and yes, it may not make a single difference but I need some hope somewhere.

Similarly, the sentiment (when ladies are experiencing bleeding or worrying news) that "all will be well", "have faith" etc., doesn't necessarily help either. Often, of course, all will be well, but sadly sometimes it isn't, and the time when one doesn't know what's happening or will happen is a horrible limbo of uncertainty

Again for me it's all about having some hope and knowing the others have hope too. Personally on this section of the forum I want to give others hope because complications don't always mean the worst (I have had no end of problems including bleeding to 18 weeks and here I am at nearly 25 with everything going really well - it does and can happen) and I believe in holding on to any hope until there is no more and that is confirmed.

Also, it is not the case that negative thoughts / anxiety / stress will somehow hurt the baby. I have seen this suggested on this site and elsewhere, and it makes me angry. It is not true and can make women feel guilty (about feeling that way) in addition to anxious.

I don't think the intention is to make anyone feel guilty but I can see your point. It's a known fact that stress is harmful to you and can contribute to all sorts of diseases so why should that not affect your baby? Ok no one knows for sure that it does but you don't know for sure that it doesn't!

Just my oppinion on things and totally respect yours.

 

[im_mi]

i think its just important for all of us to remember that people deal with things differently. i'm sorry you are feeling this way, you know we are all here if you need to talk

 

[Drazic<3]

Hey hun,

I can get like that sometimes. I have bit my husbands head of so many times for him saying 'It will be okay' but then really, what else can you say? Even at my grumpiest I know all the PMA messages on here come with love and support. No-one other than medical professionals can tell us the good news we want to here, so all we can do is support each other.

I think PMA is a good level to aspire to. I do have an NMA and have been negative for the majority of this pregnancy so far but when I do occationally build up a bit of PMA I do feel a lot better - as lets face it - feeling like shite and worrying all the time will help no-one.

-x-

 

[littleblonde]

I totally get what you are saying. I do normally PMA peoiple on here as i feel like its what people want to hear. But i worry and have worried and no amount of pma is gonna make me not worry. But i do like hearing peoples posiitve storys. But i bite my OH head off all the time when he says all will be ok. I always reply that the people who have lost probably all thought that

 

[Smiler13]

Thanks ladies,

I know that people have different coping strategies and respect that, and understand the PMA messages, not trying to knock anyone for leaving them. Just feel that it should also be OK to moan / worry etc. etc.!

I have just had really good news at my 8-week scan, all was well and the baby had grown loads and had good heartbeat etc. so am feeling more hopeful today. Going to celebrate with a takeaway and non-alcoholic fizz. Am sure the worry will start again soon, but tonight will relax!

Best wishes everyone.

 

[Amos2009]

Yay Smiler!! So happy for you and your 8 week scan!!!

 

[Las78]

Great new about your scan hun, really pleased for you