Any wives out there silently suffering in their struggle of ttc?

Discussion in 'Long Term Trying To Conceive' started by Armywife84, Jun 2, 2011.

  1. Armywife84

    Armywife84 Guest

    I'm just curious to see if there are any married women out there going thru this process alone...When really we shouldn't be alone, because our husband should be there for us.

    Me and my DH have been struggling to conceive for the last 15 months. At a little before a year, I decided to go get tested..(We're military and deployment is coming up soon) I tested just fine, my DH however, tested low sperm count, motility, and his morphology wasn't that great either. My gyno proceeded to tell me that there was nothing more he could do for us, and referred us to a fertility specialist. :cry: Unfortunately, we don't have the $ to pay for IVF at the moment but with the deployment $ we will. So we're still holding out for it to happen naturally, although my time is going to be limited.

    It's hard not to place the blame on him. But I'm getting better at it. I know if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want him to hold it against me.

    When we found out this news, he was in denial and still is. I on the other hand, have slowly accepted that IVF is in our near future. The bad part is, I have been silently suffering thru this infertility alone. Every time I cry because someone else I know is pregnant, he doesn't always comfort me. He says when I cry, he's not quick to comfort me because it's all the time. When I searched on the internet ways to improve sperm count, it was a fight for him to stop taking hot baths, to take his vitamins regularly, quit chewing tobacco, and to cut back on the caffeine. I don't understand he should be more than willing to do anything and everything he can. We can't go without fighting when the baby subject is brought up. Often I let the subject go, and just secretly suffer. This infertility is causing my marriage to fall apart.

    I wish my husband could be there for me during this time. But all I feel is us growing more and more apart, as each month goes by and I'm empty handed.
     
  2. readyformore

    readyformore Well-Known Member

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    Oh hun. Big ((hugs)).

    Maybe you should try couples counseling?

    We never found a reason for our infertility. But, I would imagine that it would be really difficult for a man to hear that his sperm is lacking. I'm just jumping to conclusions, but he probably feels embarrassed about it.

    Keep trying to talk to him, without crying if possible. Ask him what his feelings are. Keeping the lines of communication open will be helpful.

    Honestly, my DH has NEVER been as interested in having a baby, as I have. Although we did fertility treatments, he just showed up to deposit his 'sample' for the IUI. He listened to me, but I know that he never felt the same way as did. It was never as important or as urgent to him. He LOVES our kids, but he wouldn't have minded waiting longer at all.

    Good luck.
     
  3. doodles999

    doodles999 Two Under Two

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    You should definitely try talking to your DH about your feelings. My DH also has problems with his sperm...low motility and borderline low morphology...and can be equally unsympathetic. We regularly fight about how I'm too "dramatic" about this. So I can share your frustration. What we don't get, I think, is how demoralizing this is for them. For men, their sperm count is equal to their masculinity, so this is beyond difficult for them. Unfortunately, our husbands seem to have taken the "ignore it and it will go away" route. Have you tried having the doctor tell your DH that he needs to reduce hot baths, nicotine, caffeine, etc? Mine has been more receptive to the doctor telling him what to do instead of me.

    My other advice is to stop relying on your DH for emotional support for this. I rarely discuss it with my DH, and instead talk to a few friends who know what's going on. It helps a lot to get support from someone who isn't involved and hurting emotionally themselves. You don't have to let this destroy your marriage.

    Best of luck to you!!
     
  4. Armywife84

    Armywife84 Guest

    Thank you, we are in marriage counseling. Our communication level has gotten better than it what it was but there's still a long ways to go.

    He doesn't express his feelings, where as I have no problem. We don't talk about it because it's upsetting..I don't want to feel like I'm throwing it in his face that he can't get me pregnant. He chooses to be optimistic and think those 2 tests are wrong and it can still happen. That "It will happen when it happens", the last thing a woman who's struggling to conceive wants to hear. I wish I could be optimistic like that, but it is impossible when your hope is whittled down to a sliver.

    I keep telling myself that this will all work itself out and I'll have a bundle of joy very soon. I can still dream.
     
  5. Armywife84

    Armywife84 Guest

    With us being military my husband doesn't trust doctors. On base, or off. I showed him what I came up with online and he still brushed it off. I mean I can understand the chewing tobacco being addictive, and caffeine being difficult to knock, but he shouldn't argue with me about taking hot baths.

    I do have one other friend who's going thru what I am, so I talk to her when it's not a good day for me. I actually haven't brought it up in a long time, but in light of receiving news that my SIL is pregnant..my emotions just exploded. And when it comes time for IVF, he's going to have to be there for me.

    I do have a question for you, my gyno told me that Clomid would do nothing for me since I'm not the one who has the issue. How come you're on Clomid?
     
  6. doodles999

    doodles999 Two Under Two

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    My DH also thinks that the results were wrong, and has millions of excuses why that may be. I just ignore him. I also give him his vitamin to take every morning. He's now been banned from saying "it will happen when it happens." ;)

    I know all about not responding well to other people's pregnancies. I've had several friends get pregnant while I was ttc, and it's made me crazy. Keep talking to your friend who understands...and chatting with women on here. It helps a lot. And maybe explain to your DH how it makes you feel that he won't help find a solution. Men like solving things, not talking about them. Maybe try that approach?

    I'm actually on Clomid because I was ovulating late and had some spotting issues from low progesterone after ovulation. So the doctor used the Clomid to regulate my cycle. Now it's being used to time the IUI cycles. Why is the doctor skipping straight to IVF?
     
  7. Maurie

    Maurie TTC with 1 Angel

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    I am so sorry you have to go through this.
    I am struggling with the same thing. :hugs:

    Dh's dad is a doctor, and mom is a nurse. He grew up in the waiting room of a doctors office. He hates the idea of going to dr. appointments and believes it will happen when it happens. However he did go to the last one and she basically told him that he needs to do the test. It will save time and money. I am very regular and I do ovulate.

    We are constantly arguing about the timing. I cry when our family members get pregnant and then when have the baby and I am still not pregnant. He gets very annoyed that I feel that way so much so that when I do get upset he asks "is it the baby thing again?" it makes me feel like he is invalidating my feelings about it.

    Although I will give him some credit and say he knows when I am having a very bad day or just a sad day. He is there for me much more when I have a Very Bad day.
     
  8. Armywife84

    Armywife84 Guest

    Haha, I told my husband I never ever want to hear him say that ever again.
    I am going to try to talk to about it, but try to bring it up as delicately as possible. I'm considering just taking some me time and getting away for now...since it's so fresh that she's pregnant, my husband and I have been fighting about it.

    I got all the bloodwork done, and the ultrasound to check for PCOS. But I checked back just fine. The only test he didn't perform was the one where they make sure your fallopian tubes are open. DH got tested on the lab on base for his sperm twice, both times came back not good. We were going to pursue a urologist for my husband but our insurance won't cover it, so it would have to come out of pocket. So basically we were at a standstill..Our time is also limited to ttc with the military, he's also 31. Apparently, your sperm declines after 35. I thought about IUIs but if his motility bad then they may not get anywhere with the wash. So I figure we should jump straight to the IVF. We haven't met with the fertility specialist yet.
     
  9. Armywife84

    Armywife84 Guest

    Arguing over the timing? As in when to have a baby, or when it's that time to get down to business?

    I'm taking my SIL being pregnant very hard. Granted it was unexpected, so I' m not mad at her for that. And she and my BIL struggled for a year, she took Clomid because she wasn't ovulating every month then she got pregnant with twins on her first try. I feel like she's already had her turn, and that it should be mine. I'm also the only one female of child bearing age in their family who doesn't have kids, so I feel like the odd one out. When we're over at his in-laws and the babies are there, it's baby this, baby that. I try my best to go with it.

    For me it's just the pregnancy part, I get jealous of...after they have the child I can start to accept it. If that makes any sense.
     
  10. Maurie

    Maurie TTC with 1 Angel

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    Our timing issue was an issue of when to start trying, Its an odd thing though. He would tell me he hoped we would get pregnant this month and then say he wanted to wait to have a baby. He knew that flip flop was hard for me so I told him I was timing it and using OPKs and the such. He didn't mind but wasn't going to be OK with going to the dr. yet, He was more indifferent about the whole thing until about a week ago. Now he is very excited about having a baby. He is now going to the dr. and taking vitamins, So we have been trying without any intervention, now is the beginning of our intervention.

    I understand being jealous of those who are pregnant. I have had two cousins who got pregnant and had their babies as well as an aunt who is currently pregnant. And my hobby is planning events, Weddings, showers, and things like that. I have thrown one baby shower and grandma asked me to do my aunts.... They do not know about the trouble we are having so I dont blame them But it is very hard!
     
  11. navywife04

    navywife04 Well-Known Member

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    My husband and I are a military couple as well. It is extremely hard dealing with infertility and the military! What has helped us out the most is: Seeing a fertility specialist. It scared the heck out of me at first, but I soon realized that they know what their doing (don't even get me started on military doctors! lol) and they will help you guys create the path of making your baby. They might want to try out an IUI or two just in case, and maybe have some tricks on how to get his sperm count higher. The other thing is, I started attending Resolve's support group meetings and I honestly believe they are what helped me get out of the nasty depression I was in a few months ago. You might want to see if there is one near you! Oh, and I know what you mean about being the only one in the family dealing with not having a baby. My sister came to me back in October to tell me they were going to start trying for their second, and sure enough, 2 WEEKS LATER I got a text message with a picture of a positive pregnancy test. I looked like a raging gorilla after receiving that! LOL! I'm the only one in my family without a kid. It sucks!
     
  12. BellaDonna818

    BellaDonna818 Mamma to Triplet Girls

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    Armywife -

    I saw your thread, and I just felt I needed to respond. While I am not married, my OH & I have been together for about 9 years (we've lived together for about 8 1/2). So while we may not have had the ceremony and signed the papers, we both consider ourselves married.

    Like you, there is nothing wrong with me. The fertility issues lie with my OH. He has a lower sperm count and a low motility rate. After his first analysis, the mailed us the results. I was the only one home when the results came, and I read the results alone. It was devastating to me. Honestly, I had been convinced that it was me who had the fertility problems, not him. And while there are so many options of how to treat women with various infertility issues, I knew there were few options for treating men with fertility problems. By the time he got home though, I had pulled myself together, and simply handed him the letter. Like your husband, he insisted the results were wrong.

    The Dr he was seeing put him on Clomid for a few months to see if that would improve his count at all. Ultimately, he ended up having 4 sperm analysis's done, with the Clomid making little to no difference. By the 4th analysis however, he was ready to admit that the results were right. However, at that point he started insisting that I also had fertility problems, and that was the reason we weren't getting pregnant. :/ I think knowing that he was the one with the problem was extremely hard on him. I think he blamed himself, and he didn't want to be alone in failing. That's why he insisted I had fertility issues too.

    About a year later, we finally went to see a fertility specialist about having an IUI done. We were both very excited to get things underway. However after our initial visit, the costs of the clinic were so outrageous, we simply couldn't afford to continue. So we decided to re-analyze the situation and try to save up the money for the procedure, drugs, and tests that were required.

    Ultimately, we decided to find another clinic. I am now seeing some fantastic Dr's with much more reasonable prices. I've been through the battery of tests now, and am 100% sure that there is nothing wrong with me. And even at this point, the OH still sometimes insists that there is. ;) So now we've had our first IUI as of last month. Unfortunately, it was BFN. :( But we will be trying again this month.

    The reason I wanted to say all of these things is bc I think our situations are a bit similar. I had a hard time not blaming my OH at first for our problems, but it was just something I learned to keep hidden. I can't change how I feel about things, but I can certainly change how I react to things and what I say. I also can see just how difficult this has been on my OH. I know he blames himself, and I know he sees himself as having failed, not just himself, but me. :cry:

    Also like you, he is not always the most supportive to me in regards to the infertility problems. He does listen to me when I need to vent though, which is always helpful. But for serious emotional support, I come on here. The women on here have been amazingly helpful. Simply being about to talk to someone else who knows exactly what you're going through is probably the most helpful thing to me.

    My advice would be to not force the subject with him. If he is agreeing to the procedures, then maybe just let him be. I know my OH doesn't usually like to talk about his feelings. I simply know him well enough to catch what's going on in that crazy head of his. ;)

    Also, I can answer that Clomic question for you, as I am also taking Clomid. Two reasons: 1 - Clomid can force your body to release more than one egg during a cycle, thereby increasing your odds of getting prego. 2 - Taking Clomid forces your body to be on a more exact schedule of ovulation, thereby making IUI & IVF easier to time.

    I do have a question for you though, why are you and the DH trying IUI first? It is definitely a lot less expensive, and a lot less invasive.

    Best of luck to you both.
     
  13. Armywife84

    Armywife84 Guest

    Isn't it just crushing for your DH to tell you that you're going to try for a baby, then turn around and tell you he wants to wait? My husband did that to me, and I was absolutely heartbroken. He then changed his mind because he saw how sick I was over it. Then he started supporting me in wanting a pregnancy...When I had my first 2 false alarms, he was wanting to tell his parents I was late, but then of course I get my period.

    You're very, very brave to be planning a baby shower. I know I wouldn't be able to do it. The last one I went to was my other SIL's in early '10. It was very difficult for me, and I was really uncomfortable so I left after she opened my gift. Now I've sworn off baby showers, and most of my friends have the decency not to send me an invite because they know what I'm going through.

    You know you should tell them...They might not understand completely, but they should be respectful of the troubles you face. No one can take a walk in our shoes.
     
  14. Armywife84

    Armywife84 Guest

    Yes, yes, yes!!! People think just because you're military that you should already be toting around a child and pregnant with your second. That's not the case at all. Do you guys live on base? I'm glad we don't. The only time i have to see those pregnant military wives is on payday in the commissary which is twice a month, lol. That's enough for me!

    I'm scared to death to see a fertility specialist, but everyone says he's top rated in the STL area. Did you guys look into the bases that offer IVF at a discounted rate? We thought about it, but then again it would cost about the same with hotel, airfare, and meals. I also don't know if I trust a military doctor doing something that delicate.

    My brother's sister was pregnant when I met her, and they live in Virginia Beach because that's where her husband is stationed. I only experienced a little bit of envy at her baby shower. My other SIL struggled on a smaller scale and is very blessed with 2 and a third on the way. I wish she wouldn't have texted us the news...She was the first person I told about the infertility.
    I cried and cried my eyes out. Deep down inside I am happy for her and my BIL, but I can't express it how I want to. I'm still not over it, but I'm very glad they live on the other side of the country so I don't have to see her. I know how bad that sounds.
     
  15. wantanerd

    wantanerd Well-Known Member

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    I am with you on being in the military and people expect you to procreate like crazy. When we meet new military couples one of the first questions we are asked is about kids.

    I also got referred to a fertility specialist and it has helped me alot to know what exactly is going on and how to fix our problems. This is the first month in a long time I have felt hope.

    I am with you as well about being happy your SIL lives on the other side of the country. Mine just had her third kid back in April and theres a lot of issues I have with her but thats another post in itself. I am glad I haven't seen her in two years even though she plasters fb with pics of the new baby and it hurts every time I see them.

    I have checked into the military hospitals and thankfully if we had to go that route, we have family to stay with if we decided. But we have also looked into IVF in our home state of FL and there is a clinic that costs 6000 per round plus medication. But we are hoping not to go that route.

    I found tricare will pay for ultrasounds, blood work and meds as long as you are using the natural method of conceiving (sex). I paid 10$ for my HCG shot which is normally 90$. There have been some problems with tricare but I worked them out and I won't have to start paying for treatment until we start IUI in July or August.

    Dh is home and should be for a long time but it is not like I can get him to talk about infertility with me. The best I can hope for is telling him when we have to DTD and hope he's not too tired from a long day at work. It definitely feels like I am carrying most of the weight with this experience on my shoulders.
     
  16. Maurie

    Maurie TTC with 1 Angel

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    Thank you.
    Him changing his mind was harder than all the negative tests. However he is a very practical person and wants to be 100% prepared with finances and such. however the pull to have a baby is there too. I do understand him and appreciate his desire for everything to perfect, however starting a family is what is perfect for me. He is now excited about it and wants baby to come soon.

    Telling my family is very hard. We told my parents and my entire family found out that we are trying. When it didn't happen in the first few months, EVERYONE was asking if we were pregnant and just not telling them... trying to convince them we were not pregnant was too much. We are telling them that we are waiting to try until we move and pay off my student loans. They all fall pregnant so easily. I am one of 4 out of 15 who do not have children. His family, though they would support us they very much believe we are too young. They said that when we go married.

    I'm sorry about your having trouble with your SIL's pregnancy. It would kill me if my SIL or sister became pregnant. Though I would be happy for them I'm not sure I could be much support. You are definitely a strong person, and blessed you have a supportive family. :)
     
  17. Armywife84

    Armywife84 Guest

    Absolutely, it's incredibly hard to hear that news. My gyno actually phoned me to go over the results, and told me at the end that there was nothing more he could do for me, that Clomid wouldn't do anything for me (since I don't have the problem) and gave me the # to a fertility specialist. It was like someone kicked me in the face..I couldn't believe my ears. I honestly thought never ever thought I would be facing what I am today. You read me like a book, I thought the problem was with me...I was already placing the blame on myself before I even took the tests!

    My gosh, I had such bad thoughts afterwards...I kept thinking he was keeping me from my dream, why did I have to marry a man who is unable to give me a child, etc. You can't help what runs through you're mind, because you don't understand why you're faced with infertility.

    Did you guys ever fight about it? I brought it up countless times when we were fighting about IVF. I felt that since the issue was with him he should be on board with IVF..to do whatever it takes to have a baby. Now, I realize why he disagrees with IVF is because he's still in denial about his sperm. Over time, I came to the conclusion that it's not his fault and I shouldn't resent him for it. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want him to hold it against me. It took some time, but I know understand that we share the infertility.

    We finally talked last night about him giving me more support and comfort. He agreed to work on it, so we shall see. I am very glad I joined this website, it's helped me so much in the past few days to virtually interact with women who know exactly how I feel. It's so challenging to try to explain how you feel to someone who hasn't struggled to conceive or on a much smaller scale.

    I figured that IVF would be more beneficial because the motility on both his tests were 19%. If he just had a low count and his motility was fine, then I would go with IUI. It also depends on what the fertility specialist says..For now, a little part of me hopes it can still happen naturally before he leaves.

    :dust: Baby dust to you too!
     
  18. Armywife84

    Armywife84 Guest

    I hate when they ask me about that...And just how many fellow military wives on your base can relate to you? I haven't found any yet. The wives I associate with all have at least 1 child. And if they don't have kids, they just got married. It ticks me off to see a pregnant, newlywed, 18 yr. old military wife.

    I did see your post about you SIL, in fact I can't find that thread..Do you mind if I send you a private message about that?

    $6,000 doesn't sound bad. Where I live in STL, it's anywhere from $7,000 on up. I've even looked as far as going to a clinic in Chicago where you can donate eggs to help the cost, and they have a money back program too. I have tons of family in Chicago, so all I would have to pay for is for gas.

    I read on some military wife's blog that Tri Care covered medication and ultrasounds when she was going thru IVF (civilian doctor). Doubt if it's true.

    Did you read what the Navy wife wrote about Resolve meetings? I'm definitely going to look into that. Just think it's relieving to know that there are tons more women who can share our pain. There's actually women, who have it much, much worse than we do. I have a friend who her body went thru menopause already at 20!! The only way she was able to have children was through an egg donor, she decided that wasn't for them and they adopted. To this day, she still envies pregnant women because she'll never know what that's like.

    You know what else is relieving? To know that there ARE military wives out there who are going thru the same thing!! :happydance:

    :dust: Baby dust to you!
     
  19. Armywife84

    Armywife84 Guest

    I'm glad that he's on board 100% now. Trying for a baby isn't something you can't switch on and off like a light switch. Our men don't understand that it plays with our emotions when they do that.

    I hate that when you tell just 1 family member they all find out. I told my SIL who is pregnant first, then blurted it out to my MIL when were going somewhere together. Then I find out that everyone else knows. I was actually really relieved to hear that my MIL had that desperate want for a baby as well, that she was determined to have a baby by herself with a sperm donor. She gets her happy ending when she meets my FIL and has twins.

    His family is full of fertile myrtles, every last one of them. Him and his unmarried cousin are the only ones who haven't reproduced. On my side, I'm thankful that none of my cousins who are of childbearing age, or past it are pregnant.

    The thing with my SIL is so fresh, it just happened 2 days ago. Unfortunately, it quickly spiraled out of control. To make a long story short, I sent her a message explaining why I'm going to temporarily delete her from FB, she didn't message back but gets the rest of his family involved, including my husband. I've deleted all my pregnant friends from FB because I get sick of seeing all the usual pregnant related garb. It's how I cope. Then my DH tries to do damage control by messaging her on FB about it. She sends him a nasty message back about me. So now our relationship is over, unless she can explain herself and apologize. I mean I thought she would understand, it's just FB, but I was wrong. It's unfortunate for the rest of the family..but I can't ignore what she said about me.
     
  20. camilitary

    camilitary Well-Known Member

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    you wrote my story exactly! (hugs)
     

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