Anyone else feel guilty about not exclusively bf from the start?

[VickyR]

Hi

I had a little boy on xmas day and planned on breastfeeding from the start. He took to it well the first couple of times and since then uses it as a pacifier and after a few sucks just falls asleep. I persisted in hposital and then on the 4th day when i thought we were going home(in longer due to emergency c-section) i was told he was dehydrated so gave him aptimil.

It was like we were asking for hardcore drugs as when midwife shifts changed each had a different opinion on if i should be toppong up with that or not - even giving it to him in a syringe rather than a teat.

Since coming home it has stayed the same and the amount i express is gone in two gulps so have been topping up with formula and think i will start just giving formula all the time. I just feel really bad. I know BF doesnt come naturally to anyone but i have really struggled and am not just giving up at the first hurdle. My nct classes and midwives and the amount of counsellors etc out there make me think that i am giving in but i'm not even enjoying being a mum as just anxious about if he is feeding or will get dehydrated again. I think there is no info on formula feeding given at antenatal classes or from midwives and that makes it even harder as like it is drink of the devil. sorry for the rant but having just read the bf forum pages there are a lot of people who will think im out of line not continuing so was hoping in this forum i might find similar people with problems who can reassure me i am not a bad mother for considering formula feeds so early on.

 

[faun]

I think the most important thing you have said is you aren't enjoying being a mum i think if formula feeding will make you less worried and more able to enjoy being a mum do it, there is no shame in formula feeding your baby and to repeat what has been said many times in this sort of thread, happy mum = happy baby. Just to add my oldest 2 were fed formula from day one and they are both happy and healthy children my youngest is now 3 months and after 1 week of exclusive breast feeding i moved to combination feeding and for the past 3 weeks he is just on formula.

 

[jacs]

I know there are benefits to breast feeding, but I do get tired of the way that is constantly forced on to you - it makes you feel really guilty about formula feeding.
I was on the Cow & Gate website the other day and before I could access their page about the different formulas they sell, I had to tick a box to say I was aware that breast feeding was better for baby!
I never actually had any breast milk so had no choice but to bottle feed, but I have to say I am very happy with LOs development, and our routines.
Long story short, no, I don't feel a bit guilty!

Good luck with it all, and carry on doing what you think is best for you both x

 

[suzib76]

i fed my 2nd one formula right from the off - it doesnt make you a bad parent and you should be enjoying this time with your baby not worrying about feeding - if yuo were not feeding your child at all then that would make you a bad parent, but giving formula is perfectly ok - it is a heated subject for some, and there are many arguments from both sides but at the end of the day if you are giving formula i would advise you do it without wasting emotion feeling bad about it and enjoy your baby x

 

[dom85]

Had the exact same rant a few weeks ago. I had an emergency c section as well and really tried but after a week Brady was fully FF, I had a wobble a couple of days later but after sitting for 3 hours with him at my breast we both ended up crying our eyes out. Now I don't feel the least but guilty for my decision and tune out what the HV says and the smug BF mums at baby group who think they're better than anyone who doesn't BF.

You're recovering from major surgery, and it's bloody painful to hold a baby in the right position for long enough which I don't think anyone who hasn't had a c section can apprciate. Breastmilk is not the magic potion it seems to be touted to be and formula is not poison. Yes, there are benefits to breastfeeding, but what's important is that you and your baby are looked after right now. Please don't let anyone make you feel bad about your decision, enjoy your baby and concentrate on your recovery.

 

[faille]

I had very similar issues hun.

Had a c-section (although mine was elective) and tried my hardest to bf but only lasted until day 3.

My LO was not waking for feeds at all, wasn't crying at all but all I got told is that as long as she was having wet nappies then she was "getting something". But she wasn't, not really.. She'd latch on ok but would not stay there for more than a few seconds and we both ended up in tears every single time. I dreaded trying to feed her, I felt like I couldn't bond with her, I felt like such a bad mum and that I was torturing her for trying to do what I thought was right for her.

The mws were useless.. They bang on about bfing but none are ever willing to listen and help with the real issue. All they'd do is get her in the right position and then leave but that wasn't our problem and nobody would listen. So while I'm fighting trying to say what's really going on, it's my LO that's suffering.

We eventually got moved to a less busy ward and the mws there were much more willing to help but by that time I was beaten. They confirmed she was dehydrated and would have to have a formula bottle, whether I wanted to carry on bfing or not.

We switched to FF the night before we come home and it was the best decision by far.. She was how a baby is meant to be after just one bottle and I was like a completely different person. And most importantly, I felt like I could start bonding with her.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You're making the choices you are for the best interest of your LO. I can completely relate and although I feel angry at the mws for being so unsupportive, I don't feel guilty about switching as it was honestly the best choice at the time. I was completely naieve about bfing and was so worried about my LO. I cannot express enough how much better we both were after switching xx

 

[VickyR]

thanks guys - you have really helped settle my mind. i know i shouldnt care what others think and i don't to an extent - its just difficult as bf is so pushed on you with counsellors, midwives etc

i was formula fed and turned out fine!

have just felt really alone on this.....dreading meeting up with nct antenatal class in feb and things. but health of my little boy outweighs any breast is best gestapo comments!

thanks guys

x

 

[purpledahlia]

I am the same, I had a traumatic birth and an emergency c-section and its proven if you have either of these let alone both together that milk takes longer than normal to come in.

I fed her for 3 days and it was hell, i was left bruised bleeding cracked and sore, by the nighttime of day 3 when she woke up if someone had held a gun to my head i could not of fed her myself. i dreaded everytime she was hungry for those 3 days. The midwives were crap and all gave different advice on how to do it, i felt like a pain when i buzzed for help, i was really really ill and she was getting ill from me, she was developing a rash and not really getting any food. Then she got topped up one night by a cup from a midwife, and after that i just changed to formula, the rash cleared up, she was more alert when she was awake, slept better and was a completely different baby. I didnt dread it when she woke and i was able to focus on getting myself better. definately the best decision, but unfortunate i couldnt feed her. She also has a really long tounge and i have flat nipples so i dont believe that '' everyone can breastfeed '' .. i really think some people just cant.

I think bf and then topping up with a teat will be a little confusing for the baby tho and if your not happy i would switch to ff completely. more often than not people who change have good reasons and things improve when they do!

 

[dom85]

thanks guys - you have really helped settle my mind. i know i shouldnt care what others think and i don't to an extent - its just difficult as bf is so pushed on you with counsellors, midwives etc

i was formula fed and turned out fine!

have just felt really alone on this.....dreading meeting up with nct antenatal class in feb and things. but health of my little boy outweighs any breast is best gestapo comments!

thanks guys

x

Glad you feel a bit better about it hun. I would be surprised if everyone else in your NCT class is exclusively BF as well, even if they are hopefully some of them will be understandig at how hard BF can be.

The important thing is that you tried.

 

[DizzyMoo]

With my 1st i exclusively bf for 5/6mths then when he was on solids during day i just bf at nights til 11mth old , I was convinced i'd have no problems feeding this time round to. Jax was born by section & i started to bf, 3 days later midwives told me he'd lost far to much weight & they were borderline thinking to admit him to hospital ... can i just add he was only 5grams under what they say is ok! 5 FUCKING grams! I mentioned then about topping up with formula & the midwife wasn't impressed. I felt guilty enough as it was i didn't need her shit ass attitude either, Thing was i fed him a carton of sma formula & the diff straight away was unreal. He started sleeping for 4 hours a time & he wasn't fighting with me to feed, He stayed latched on to the bottle & took the feed, He was so much more settled in himself & although i cried at 1st when i ff him i knew it was what he needed & eventually i gave in & fully ff him.
I felt the same hun, guilty & like i'd failed to do something my body was designed to do, but i had to realise he was happier, that made me happier & i haven't looked back since. His happyness was more important than doing something so natural.

With regards to your baby using you as a pacifier that is what breastfed babies do hun, They start mouthing like they need a fed, then 4 sucks later half asleep lol
My older son did that & so do a hell of a lot of babies hun, its the sucking they need for comfort. So you didn't do anything wrong there hun. x

Fully understand your feelings hun & honest hun if your baby is more settled & you can see getting a good feed then that is all that matters. Happy baby = happy mummy

 

[PregnantKez]

It's been really great reading all your stories as I've been feeling the same guilt as you Vicky. I did have a normal birth (18 hours and with forceps and 3rd degree tears) but felt really traumatised by it, especially the first night I was in hospital.

I had planned to breastfeed but when I got back from surgery and the midwifes started manhandling my breasts so hard it hurt like hell trying to get him to latch (there was no milk there though) but I was hardly interested in my little boy let alone breastfeeding him. The midwives finally took him for the entire night and fed him from a cup so I could breastfeed. Had an awful night, breasts were hurting so much I couldn't sleep and with all the other pain going on down there...

Then I heard a woman in the next cubicle feeding her baby from a bottle, seemed to be enjoying it, chatting nicely to the midwife about it and something just snapped in my head and I was thinking "I can't do the breastfeeding thing, i'm in too much pain and too much trauma, bottlefeedings for me".

I felt guilty about it after, although after 3 weeks I have got him latched on a few times, and I've been expressing a lot for him and trying to build up my milk, but I'll NEVER be able to satisfy him now.

I had a day the other day when I wanted to breastfeed all day, so every feed I started him off on my breast, then gave him a bottle after. At the end of the day I felt in so much pain I ended up crying my eyes out for hours, getting really depressed. This breastfeeding thing isn't all its cracked up to be!!! Bottles all the way

Sorry for long post!

 

[VickyR]

Hi all - just gone on here again and thanks for reassurance. Great to know there is support for the formula feeding side too and since feeding him formula I am feeling much more content (as is he) and enjoying time with him rather than fretting about him. Plus what you say and bf people dont is that dad gets to enjoy more time with baby too which is a beautiful thing to see.

I think i am a born worrier anyway so am going to have to toughen up now I'm a mum!

thanks again guys....had hit my daily 4pm slump where i am goosed and start to get bit empotional so you have kicked me up the bum to make a cuppa and chill out!
x

 

[VickyR]

Hi all - just gone on here again and thanks for reassurance. Great to know there is support for the formula feeding side too and since feeding him formula I am feeling much more content (as is he) and enjoying time with him rather than fretting about him. Plus what you say and bf people dont is that dad gets to enjoy more time with baby too which is a beautiful thing to see.

I think i am a born worrier anyway so am going to have to toughen up now I'm a mum!

thanks again guys....had hit my daily 4pm slump where i am goosed and start to get bit empotional so you have kicked me up the bum to make a cuppa and chill out!
x

 

[JayleighAnn]

If FF is best for you mentally then do it, don't feel like you have to BF just cause people expect it. Your baby needs a happy mummy more than he needs breast milk.

 

[chuck]

Similar situation here hun, I tried and tried but babba made me so sore (well screaming in pain) and he got dehydrated so we had to give him formula - we used a cup -m but it got far too annoying so we're using bottles now.

Baby has a tongue tie so that hasnt helped, we're off to tongue tie clinic tomorrow hoping they can help.

I'm trying to express but between the pain, stress, falling asleep and not finding time to pump I?'m hardly pumping anything!!

I feel awful,I failed to give birth I really wanted to do this.

 

[OmarsMum]

I went though ur exact experience. Emergency CS, midwives refusing to give me milk to my LO, syringe feeding after begging, BF consultant over my head for hrs, jaundice, etc. The exact story. Out of frustration, I left the hospital 1 day earlier. I also tried to BF him at home, used a breast bump, but due to the stress very little was coming out. I had depression from all this experience & almost lost the connection with my LO. Then I took the decission to stop trying & FF my LO. Now after 7 weeks my LO & me are doing great & all the guilt is forgotten. Just move on & take care of ur health & the health of ur LO. At the end, it's ur baby & ur body & it's ur right to make the choice u'r comfortable of & not what others think of. Good luck

 

[fantastica]

Sorry not read the whole thread...was unable to breastfeed after a pretty awful birth...tried nursing about an hour after he was born but couldn't move due to pain (had a HUGE hematoma which they didn't spot for a few hours)...so they gave him some formula as he was screaming for food. Kept trying to nurse over the next day...although he just wouldn't latch..had us both in tears. By the third day I needed two blood transfusions and still had a catheter in...so they advised me to wait until all of that was over until I tried BF again. He still wouldn't latch...so one midwife advised expressing, but there wasn't anything there .

I gave up trying to get him to latch...I didn't know how and felt embarrassed asking for help, but continued trying to express for 6weeks/2months...only making about 1oz per day. Sorry for the huge essay but feel the need to explain it all the time

7months later and I still feel guilty. Wish I'd tried harder...although logically I know at the time how ill I was and maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I'm fed up hearing 'breast is best'...it just adds to the guilt...in reality we both probably would've died so the whole 'nature' argument doesn't work...as i'm sure it doesn't for lots of people.

Really wish i'd just accepted it in the begginning...ff is not a bad thing, a baby needs a happy mother, and it makes me so sad to see how other people feel about this . It's such a shame that the first weeks/months of your babies life can be almost tainted by this.

Sorry for all the waffle lol...but it really does upset me!!! Enjoy your baby hun, and if ff is what works best, then stick at it...don't let anyone make you feel guilty about anything, you're doing what's BEST for your baby and you...you've had a rough time of it, and need to relax and heal, not be stressed! xx