Anyone else scared to have the "when" talk with OH?

[Thistledown]

I've been married to my OH for almost 5 years. In the last couple years I've had a few broody moments, but bringing it up with the OH has always gotten a "we'll talk about it later". But later never seems to come! I know OH does want kids, it's just "eventually" and "when the timing's right". I was really starting to think the only way it was ever going to happen was accidentally.

Well, we had our happy accident a couple weeks ago... unfortunately quickly followed by a MC. OH said we'd talk "soon" about starting a family. Soon sounded good to me, I was fine with waiting a little while to let our emotions settle down before talking about it.

In the meantime, OH got a call from a head hunter the other day. Right now, OH's job usually has him away from home for 4 days, and home for 3. This new possible job is 2 weeks away and 2 weeks at home. I casually mentioned if he did take the job, it would make starting a family pretty difficult. He said "Well, even if I did take it, it wouldn't be a forever kind of thing, only a few years". A few years? Is the kind of time frame he's thinking?? I suspect he wouldn't even want to try on that kind of schedule - I know he doesn't want to be working away that much with a small child at home.

I was completely surprised by my positive test, but I was also excited. I'm really disappointed it didn't pan out, and I want to try again now. I finally broke down and had a little cry last night about the MC (everything was such a whirlwind, it's taking me a while to sort out my feelings), and OH said we'll talk more today.

I think I'm actually scared to have this discussion! Right now I can at least pretend maybe we'll start TTC soon, but once we actually talk about it... it'll be set. And I suspect it'll be set a loooong way off.

Does anyone else feel this way? Like maybe it's better just not having "the talk"?

 

[BlaireUK]

Thistledown, I'm so sorry you lost your baby. I can totally understand you think it'll be easier to avoid the talk but I think after aftr 5 years and a mc you both really need to have it. It'll be uncomfy but the alternative is limbo which I think would be worse.

The best thing is to be honest. If you want to start trying straight away then you should say that. In return he needs to be honest with you and give you an idea of what timescale he's thinking about. Then comes the compromise...

 

[BlaireUK]

I should also have said I felt like avoiding the talk a lot too. But when it actually happened it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I imagined. There were a few tears but we managed to reach an agreement eventually!

 

[odd_socks]

sorry for ur loss u know u could actually be talking about my OH in ur post there, he says exactly the same things i.e "eventually" "soon" "when hes ready" and it is so frustrating, i really feel for u and understand how it feels, i can never have a serious talk about it without us arguing or him joking it off so i cant really give u advice about the talk with him but i hope he listens to u and u get some answers good luck x

 

[dozydormouse]

I was so scared I had to write down what I wanted to say in case I ended up as a little blithering heap, which I promptly did anyway. He was sweet and surprised me by saying ok in the new year (this was august) when he understood how much it meant to me.

 

[Thistledown]

I hate compromising, always feels like everyone loses. I just have no idea where this convo will go, I think we both have valid arguments for now and for waiting. If I'm honest, my head tells me that OH might logically be right in wanting to wait a couple years... but my heart says screw logic! I know one thing he'll likely say is it would be nice if we had our house built before we have a baby. And he's right, it would. But there's no telling if we'd actually have it done in a couple years, either! 3 years ago we expected we'd have built by now, and we haven't even started planning it.

I know we need to have the talk - limbo is only comfortable for a little while, then it starts to wear and the not knowing is worse. *sigh* It would be so much easier if men got broody too!

 

[GettingBroody]

Just wanted to say best of luck

 

[Thistledown]

Bah... SIL is staying over with us tonight, and it sounds like she's going to be getting here early (probably even before OH gets home). I love my SIL, but I don't want our talk pushed off again!

 

[xclairx]

Hi, so sorry to hear about ur miscarriage

Have you & ur OH had the talk yet? I think you need to just be completley honest about how much you want a baby & how much it means to you so he knows exactly where you stand & im sure if he knows how much you want a baby he wont keep you waiting long.. & if he does im sure it is so going to be worth the wait.

Good Luck xxx

 

[HanaLu]

So sorry for you loss -Big Hugs-. I had that issue with Billie's biological Father, sept it was more I didn't really want children for a good number of years but he desperately did- or so he says- But his way of getting me to talk about it was to just jump into the conversation whilst watching Tv at his mums so I had nowhere to hide and he didn't give me chance in the opening statement to say - lets just wait til we get back home. It really got me to open up about why I didn't and him as to why he did.
And me and my current OH didn't really have an option as to when we had the 'talk' at first so it was completely upfront and honest though unfortunately over the phone due to his stoopid job=[ Now after Billie, I'd like to bring it up with him but I know I'm no where near ready to try again - physically or emotionally- and I know my OH will constantly worry about me if I do bring it up. So I'm on a few years 'count down' waiting for OH to get a UK posting again and for me to grow up a bit I guess.

So yes, I'm scared about the talk to but think I'll personally jump into it the same way the idiot did, though I don't know if I'm that upfront. It obviously works for some people though! XXX Best of luck!!


PS. Don't let the SIL get in the way of this. Maybe just explain you need to steal him for a bit as soon as she arrives so she knows that something importants going on. Ierno... I'm not good with the other sides families! XXX

 

[Thistledown]

My SIL is a great person, but in a lot of ways still just a kid. She'd have gotten all concerned if I'd approached her about needing her to give us some space to talk. Especially since we're in a small place out on a farm - giving us space would require a pretty long drive!

Also, I haven't told anyone but OH and one long distance friend about the pregnancy and miscarriage, and don't plan to, so no one around knows anything's going on. And when we do start TTC, it's not something I want to share until we're actually pregnant. All in all, just so much simpler and less stressful in the long run to wait a little bit longer to talk.

Anyway, SIL has headed off for home now (as have the in-laws, they were in town last night/this morning), and this morning before the in-laws came out to our place, OH said everyone should be gone soon and we'll talk tonight. Not a huge fan of having serious discussions on Sunday night, as OH goes back to work on Monday, but I'll take what I can get! *fingers crossed*

PS: Sorry, HanaLu, but what is ierno? Is it an acronym?

 

[Olivette]

My SIL is a great person, but in a lot of ways still just a kid. She'd have gotten all concerned if I'd approached her about needing her to give us some space to talk. Especially since we're in a small place out on a farm - giving us space would require a pretty long drive!

Also, I haven't told anyone but OH and one long distance friend about the pregnancy and miscarriage, and don't plan to, so no one around knows anything's going on. And when we do start TTC, it's not something I want to share until we're actually pregnant. All in all, just so much simpler and less stressful in the long run to wait a little bit longer to talk.

Anyway, SIL has headed off for home now (as have the in-laws, they were in town last night/this morning), and this morning before the in-laws came out to our place, OH said everyone should be gone soon and we'll talk tonight. Not a huge fan of having serious discussions on Sunday night, as OH goes back to work on Monday, but I'll take what I can get! *fingers crossed*

PS: Sorry, HanaLu, but what is ierno? Is it an acronym?

I can't remember if I posted here yet or not! I've been following the post as i have this exact same problem with my OH! If i didn't reply, really sorry, i meant to! If i did, sorry im repeating myself!

I really hope talking to your OH this helps as much as possible. I'm waiting till the end of the week to have some time to chat to my OH, and I no how nerve racking it can be!

 

[wishandwant]

Awh pet im sorry about your loss i know its difficult, we're all here for you.

im a little scared to bring the subject up with my OH as i dont want to scare him, i know he wont leave or anything like that but i dont want to pressure him if that makes sense, but i do want to know for my peace of mind.

i think we should both take a deep breath and just ask, whats the worst that can happen? they confirm a few years is what they're thinking?? well then at least we know and have something to work on and can give our input!!!

xxx

 

[Thistledown]

Olivette, I don't envy you having to wait for a week yet! I'm just hoping something else doesn't come up today, or I'll be waiting until the end of the week right along with you. Fingers crossed for both of us! (is there a "fingers crossed" smiley that I'm just not seeing? Seems like it would be a good one to have!)

wishandwant, good point! A few years just feels like forever right now. I've never been quite this broody before! But even if it's years away, once we have it set I guess we can at least discuss it more seriously and plan together (instead of those types of conversations being awkward and always starting with "someday, if/when we have kids...") Trying not to get my hopes up toooo far so I'm not crushed if he's dead set on a long wait.

 

[Thistledown]

We're going to TTC!

We had a long talk last night, and it was such an eye opener. OH said that he's always considered me to be the more reluctant one (which a year or so ago was probably true), and he thinks he's ready to be a daddy. We're actually on the same page, thinking we can't really be a whole lot more ready than we are now, and age-wise it's time we get a move on!

So we're starting immediately! (Or at least as immediately as possible, not 100% sure where I am in my cycle right now or if everything's back to normal... if it IS normal, I'm fertile now and OH is back to work ) I was even able to send OH off to work with some multivitamins for him to take.

Just over the moon right now!

 

[odd_socks]

aww congrates chick best of luck x

 

[dozydormouse]

Oh that's brilliant news! Well done for gritting your teeth and having 'the talk'. Sounds a bit like the one I had. You both skirt round the subject for so long, not wanting to freak the other one out or let other people know your private business that you end up scared of not thinking the same way! So pleased for you both. X

 

[Josie]

Congratulations! Best of luck!

xxx

 

[GettingBroody]

Wonderful news!! Congratulations and best of luck ttc!!

 

[fabz]

Congratualtions!!!!

me and my OH have had a bit of a discussion recently, but in the past it always ended with me in tears because it was always so uncertain.
Now after a while of not talking about it, i think hes a bit more ready, but i just couldnt work up to courage to bring it up.

After just reading all of this thread i feel a lot better about bringing it up and its made me feel more positive!!! Thanks lol

good luck!!! xoxo