Anyone else sick of hearing about how women are 'leaving it too late'?!

[VioletRose]

I'm well aware of the issues surrounding 'older' motherhood, the risk of declining fertility and possible abnormalities with the pregnancy -I think most of us are. And that's a good thing. Those issues are not to be dismissed. We should be well informed in order to make the best choices. But there are so many other things to consider that we never seem to hear about. It's as if those behind the 'news' think we're leaving it for fun or through ignorance, but I doubt that's often the case.

Surely if everything came together and we were in a position to have babies earlier, then some of us might. But conditions can be tough in your twenties. Some of us don't finish our education until mid-way through our twenties, jobs aren't always easy to come by and hang on to, never mind careers. And it's harder than ever to get on the property ladder or find somewhere we can afford to live and would like to raise a child!

What about finding the right partner? If we haven't met someone or settled down yet, then surely that's an issue. And what if it's the MAN that wants to wait?! Just because more women are having babies later these days, doesn't mean it's ALL because THEY are the ones choosing to wait!

Every woman who waits has her own (and possibly her partner's own) set of circumstances and reasons why she has first child when she does. I've heard at least three entirely separate 'news' items this week alone about the problems of 'leaving it too late' and just wondered how others feel about it?
Personally I'm not sure it's even news anymore. We know already! Now knock it off with the pressure!

 

[lozzy21]

It is harder to have children in your 20's. My problem is my OH is not ready yet.

You are right its not news but the one that realy bugs me is when women make a choice between a family and a career and then get to 45 and realise that they want a baby now and need help to concive on the nhs. Yes for some it may come down to money, not having a partner ect but im talking about career women who think there job is the most important thing. To me its like the bus is due at halfpast 2 but you decided to go to the bus stop at 3. Would you complain to the bus company that the bus was not there even though you were 30 mins late?

 

[Deeper Blue]

You are right its not news but the one that realy bugs me is when women make a choice between a family and a career and then get to 45 and realise that they want a baby now and need help to concive on the nhs. Yes for some it may come down to money, not having a partner ect but im talking about career women who think there job is the most important thing. To me its like the bus is due at halfpast 2 but you decided to go to the bus stop at 3. Would you complain to the bus company that the bus was not there even though you were 30 mins late?

I have to say I agree. I do sympathise with women who can't have children because of age issues but if you have purposely put it off, knowing the risks, because you want your career sorting then fair enough.... thats your choice... but I'm not sure the NHS should be funding very expensive IVF in these cases.

 

[VioletRose]

That's absolutely true, there's late and there's too late and whether or not intervention is needed and should be free / paid for opens a whole other can of worms I guess. I think that provided we are well informed, we have to take that into account and make an informed decision. If that decision leads to disappointment later, then it is sad, but can't be completely unexpected and we would have to take responsibility for that. But if for whatever reason you're not in a position to have kids any earlier, then you're just not are you.

I met my husband when I was 27 and married him just over a year ago, when I was 29. Now I'm probably already destined to be an older first time mum if and when that ever happens. I would be trying now but I was made redundant so that's thrown a spanner in the works! I've no idea how long it will take us until we do start trying, but I'm 31 next month so I think we can safely say I'll be at least that age...!

As you say, if taking all that into account, I still don't pluck up the nerve for another ten years, then I guess I'll only have myself to blame if it doesn't happen or isn't easy.

But if it happens quickly and naturally within the next few years, I'll still be bombarded with the blown-up out of proportion risk warnings, with no consideration for the reasons or offsetting of the benefits of having waited. I'm anxious to try soon but losing my job pulled the rug from under me a bit and now I need time to work out what to do -preferably without daily reminders of issues I'm already well aware of and worried enough about!! :/

 

[Amygdala]

I see the whole thing from a different perspective. Yes, I can see that it's putting pressure on people. But the sad truth is that - biologically speaking - there is pressure on women to reproduce before a certain age. I've seen cases of women putting off ttc for careers, houses etc, thinking that they were doing things the right way, and then ending up with big problems ttc later on. Yet I also know a woman in her early 30s who still says she's got other stuff to do first and can have kids when she's 40. So clearly not everybody knows of the risks and some people are bound to be seriously surprised when ttc is harder at a later age. And there's also other risks that people need to know about, like an increased risk of miscarrying or of the baby being disabled. These risks exist and I think it's important that people know about them. I don't think there's any judgement in saying "women are leaving it too late". It's just a comment on the biological risks, not on the reasons for women leaving it so late. I agree there's many good reasons to leave ttc late (I myself will probably be beyond the big 30 before LO is born) but it's important to think about it seriously and weigh up what's important to you. And having all the information can only help with that.

 

[Blah11]

Whilst I agree that women shouldnt have it shoved down their throats that the clock is ticking I do think that women in their 20s should seriously figure out where their priorities lie and if having children is very important to them then they should TTC sooner rather than later.
A lot of my coworkers are 35+ and having their first child and they have a lot more problems than the girls my age (early 20s) do. All 3 of the woman in my ward who were older mummys (38, 40 and 36) bloodwork all came back highrisk and they all had amniocentesis. Their bodies didnt cope as well either and they were generally more tired than the younger girls were. Obviously not everyone is like that but in general, thats the reality.
I also agree with IVF shouldn't be funded just because you wanted a good career when you were younger and wanted to wait. That was your choice so you should have to deal with the consequences Harsh yes, but the NHS doesn't have unlimited funds and I'd hate to see someone who genuinely has fertility problems go without because someone wanted to have a fun single life first.
It's a bit different when the woman didnt meet her OH until later on in life I suppose.

I was still living at home with my mum and I wasnt even living with my OH when I got pregnant with Amelie but I wouldn't change it now. I now have bought a house with my OH and I have my little girl. I have a job but it isn't a career really. I plan to train as a midwife one day but right now, my priorities lie with my child and soon to be children

 

[lozzy21]

Its stupid, you are bobmarded with information basicly saying the longer you leave it the harder/more risks there will be, yet britain looks down on young mothers saying they should do XYZ first. You cant win

 

[beccad]

It annoys me too - all the media reports of this sort of thing make women out to be selfish creatures who leave it until their ovaries are gasping their dying breath, in order to progress their career and spend their money on frivolities.

I suppose i'm not really leaving it very late (I turned 30 last December) but the pressure has started to ramp up a bit really - people telling me I'm not getting any younger, what more can I possibly want from my life etc. Who cares that I'm making sure DH and I are emotionally, physically and financially ready eh...!

 

[Daisy Delayne]

It is annoying, the stigma attached to women in their thirties and older having babies. I just think women are smarter these days, and are waiting until their situation is ideal, instead of just popping out babies because that's what women do. So really, there will be a lot less crappy mothers in the future. I for one had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be when I was in my early twenties. I would have been a terrible mother. I'll be going on thirty when we TTC our first, and now that I've got myself together I know we did the right thing in waiting, even though I had ALWAYS planned to have all my babies before thirty. I think the worst thing to do is stick to a set plan, even if your situation isn't the greatest for it.

 

[Blah11]

It is annoying, the stigma attached to women in their thirties and older having babies. I just think women are smarter these days, and are waiting until their situation is ideal, instead of just popping out babies because that's what women do. So really, there will be a lot less crappy mothers in the future. I for one had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be when I was in my early twenties. I would have been a terrible mother. I'll be going on thirty when we TTC our first, and now that I've got myself together I know we did the right thing in waiting, even though I had ALWAYS planned to have all my babies before thirty. I think the worst thing to do is stick to a set plan, even if your situation isn't the greatest for it.

Age and planning a baby or having one unplanned has nothing to do with how 'crappy' a mother you are.

 

[Ley]

Its stupid, you are bobmarded with information basicly saying the longer you leave it the harder/more risks there will be, yet britain looks down on young mothers saying they should do XYZ first. You cant win

totally agree

 

[VioletRose]

I'd hate to see someone who genuinely has fertility problems go without because someone wanted to have a fun single life first.
It's a bit different when the woman didnt meet her OH until later on in life I suppose.

I'd hate to see this too if it happens. But it's certainly not always the case. I'm just wondering if maybe it's actually very rarely the case, though that might not be what the media would have us believe.

 

[mummy3]

It is very well known that the ideal biological age is 24 and that problems exponentially increase after age 35. I think that if an older woman leaves it "too late" then to be fair she has been warned and definitely should not get more than basic fertility tests on the nhs!
As for people asking if the woman is going to get a move on etc, again people know the risk of increasing age, perhaps instead of being annoying they are concerned for you?

What about the cost to the nhs for the rise in disabled kids that would inevitably arise?

I speak from experience, my mil had my dh at 46 to fit him around her career.

 

[morri]

You are right its not news but the one that realy bugs me is when women make a choice between a family and a career and then get to 45 and realise that they want a baby now and need help to concive on the nhs. Yes for some it may come down to money, not having a partner ect but im talking about career women who think there job is the most important thing. To me its like the bus is due at halfpast 2 but you decided to go to the bus stop at 3. Would you complain to the bus company that the bus was not there even though you were 30 mins late?

I have to say I agree. I do sympathise with women who can't have children because of age issues but if you have purposely put it off, knowing the risks, because you want your career sorting then fair enough.... thats your choice... but I'm not sure the NHS should be funding very expensive IVF in these cases.

I know that my health insurance doesnt pay women over the age of 40 and men over the age of 50..

 

[LdS39]

This is an interesting topic ladies. I myself received the question during my first midwife appointment of "so what took you so long?". I was 39 when I conceived. Have to say that took me by surprise (not sure why though), and I muttered something back. But in my situation I was taking care of my elderly parents who were quite dependant on me and it was only after my Father passed away (3 years ago today) that I found my OH.
So it was a case of not having the time and having other responsibilities to be able to form a relationship...
The other point about the risks - the media dont explain that its not just age that can be a factor, its your lifestyle i.e do you smoke or drink excessively; do you have a high BMI, is your diet healthly enough and also there are certain factors in your blood they check for. I was quite surprised at all the things they check.

Thankfully I ended up being a low risk mother to be and had a beautiful healthy baby boy.

 

[needausername]

All I need to do is try find a OH. If I had someone to share the bills with and love enough to create a new life then I would be all set. I would hate to be penalised for IVF treatment because I wasn't one of the lucky ones to find Mr Right before the age of 35.

 

[CowtownGirl]

It's a tricky issue and I can see where some people are coming from. But I didn't meet my DH until I was 24, we married when I was 27 and I didn't actually want children until I was 28. I might get shot down here, but we can't ttc right now because I'm finishing a PhD and would have no maternity entitlements. When I'm finished we are emmigrating (back to where I come from) so I will be near my family when we have children, so again - will need wait until I know what's happening with jobs, etc before we can decide to ttc. So I will be at least 31 before we have our first, but then who knows how long it'll take us, what if things don't go smoothly?

I just think that women do need to be informed of the risks, but we surely can't penalise women who get there later in life because they didn't meet the right person, etc? Just as much as I respect women who have children young because they know that's what they want, I respect women who wait until they're certain it's what they want. I would never berate a young mum for not prioritising a career, so I just personally don't understand people berating 'older' mums for doing the opposite.

 

[Seity]

I think it's a bit silly and encourages girls to have babies before they are ready and potentially jump into a bad relationship just so they can make sure to have a child.
I didn't get married till 35 and got pregnant easily with my 1st at age 36. As far as I can tell, I've had the easiest pregnancy ever and I feel fantastic. My doctor said its quite normal these days for women to wait till 32-38 for a first baby and he's not seen it to be a problem for most of them to get pregnant or have perfectly healthy babies.
I think it's important to know that fertility declines and there are risks, but it's not so doom and gloom as the media likes to present it.

 

[maybabydoll]

Wouldn't it be interesting if the media when reporting this type of "news", polled women say over 35 and actually asked their reason for "waiting".

Of course, you'd get the career women. But I wonder what percentage of women would give completely different reasons... Not finding OH, OH wanting to wait, problems TTC, recurrent losses.

I think there are more women who have had their first baby later in life for factors outside of their control, than the media give credit for. But I guess it's more news-y if they can simply blame it all on career-hungry women.

I'm 29 now, being TTC since 28, suffered a loss, been victim of crime and now having to move before TTC again, so there's a good chance I'll be well into my 30s before 1st bub arrives.

 

[tasha41]

We women just can't win;

If you don't have a job or get pregnant "too young", you're criticized.
If you have a great job and start having children "too old", you're criticized.

I know so many people in their late 20s nowhere near settling down, I know people that are in their late 30s and haven't found Mr. Right yet, and the thought they may never have kids is killing them.