Anyone else torn about number two? Pros and cons?

[DoodleDoo]

Before I had my little girl I was so sure I only wanted one child. Now she's here I just don't know. I feel like this is a harder decision than deciding whether to have her or not! I mostly feel I might want a second because I'm so scared that if something ever happened to her I would have absolutely no reason to carry on (bit dark, I know). I also like the idea that when OH and I are older she would have a sibling to lean on if we weren't around to help her. Plus, the idea of having two little Daisy Fays just sounds incredible - I still stare at her because she's so perfect, every single day.

BUT there are so many little downsides to having a second: there would be a largish age gap (at least 5 years, more realistically 8) as OH and I both are students still and couldn't financially or time-wise justify another baby yet; we still have so much we want to do that a second child would make harder - e.g. it must be easier to travel with one than with two; I feel she may have a better childhood if we could focus all our time and activities on her; I love having my body back, pregnancy was tough and I don't feel willing to do it again; I am genuinely scared I couldn't love another baby in the same way, she just takes up all of my emotion .

Anyone else understand where I'm coming from? It has really been bugging me the last few weeks.

 

[AnneBurg]

Not exactly in the same boat but I do struggle a lot with the question of WHEN for number 2. Like you, I want my son to have our full attention, for a little longer! He's 18 months now. I loved being pregnant and I loved being on maternity leave, but I don't think he'll be ready for a sibling anytime soon...

 

[kt0326]

I felt the same, I think I do want another now for the exact same reasons as you, I would like our daughter to have a sibling. I think a bit of time helped but definitely nowhere near ready and Emily is 18 months old. I'd like at 5/6 year gap, we are both studying and working too so once all that's done it might be easier. I'm just waiting to feel broody again, worried I never will!

 

[staralfur]

I'm in the same boat. I'd say up until the last 6 months or so I've been pretty set on having two, but lately it's changed.

I was an only child and my parents worked a lot, so I have always said that I'd have at least two kids because I felt lonely at many points during my childhood. The totally morbid thought that my LO will be alone if/when my DH and I die makes me want another as well. I know I struggle with the thought of my mom dying and having no immediate family left (my dad has already passed).

But... I'm not sure those reasons are enough. I'm not exactly pining for another, I don't love the idea of starting over with another potentially awful sleeper, I don't feel "incomplete"...

My mom and her husband are also moving to Europe in a few years and I would love to be able to go visit them (we live in Canada), and travelling long-haul with two kids, one of them being very little, doesn't sound as fun or appealing. It would be so much easier with just one 6+ year old.

So yeah, at this point it feels like I'm essentially just trying to decide how important it is to give my LO a sibling more than anything. I'm not quite ready to let it go and declare that I'm one and done but I'm also very unsure as to whether or not I really do want another.

 

[MindUtopia]

I would say give it some more time and see how you feel later. I'm not torn, we definitely know we want to have a second and that has always in theory been the plan, from even before our daughter was born. But when she was only 5 months, there is absolutely no way I even could have gotten my head around doing it again. The first year or so is hard. It gets easier and when things get easier, I think it's more possible to think through everything with a clear head and feel ready (or not, if that's what you choose). At that point, we definitely wanted to have another, but I had no desire to do it anytime soon and couldn't have imagined it. Our daughter is almost 3 now and because it's so much easier and more enjoyable and I can see how she would be with a sibling, it's something we feel a lot more excited about. We'll still have about a 4.5 year age gap, but that's because I just can't take off another maternity leave before then. I would say try not to make any decisions or feel like you need to make any commitments either way just yet. See how you feel in another year or two or three. Personally, I think large age gaps seem the easiest. It means you do have to go back to the baby stage, which is a lot harder once you're out of it and feeling normal again, but I think most mums say it's a lot easier and less stressful when they aren't so close together and are old enough to help or be independent while you care for another baby.

 

[adrie]

I can empathize with you OP...in fact, a lot of things I have done already were done without a second thought as to having a second child: we gave away baby items and donated about 4 large bags full of baby girl clothes from birth to one year old! hahaha still kinda smacking my head on that one!!

I think I want to have a second as well, but I am glad that we are not rushing it as well. I figure that it's best to know for sure rather than go on a maybe.

I agree that the beginning seems as though it will be hardest, but I always remind myself that these times pass by so quickly. I can't believe my daughter is nearly 26 months (as of tomorrow). The baby phase is so long since past. I'd like to start potty training her and I love the idea of her being potty trained and maybe in preschool before a second one comes along. We might move out of province within the next few years as well. God willing of course.

I always say "it's never the 'perfect' time to have a baby," least in my mind that is how I find it. I don't want my daughter to be burdened as an adult and alone as she pretty much has no cousins, or should I say, my half sister is the only one to have children; a boy who is 13 and a daughter who is 8 early next year. Both my brother and both of OH's brothers are not having children, either ever or any time soon.

 

[Wtbam]

God I feel exactly the same. Particularly about LO having a sibling to spend her life "with" coming from the same upbringing. Also, I was an only child and I remember being so lonely!

But I also worry about coping with two. I love my LO so, so much - I can't imagine having enough love to share with another, and feel guilty that my LO won't have my whole love and attention - that she won't be my "number one" any more!