Anyone feeling lonely in your marriage?

[momwithbabies]

I love my husband with all of my heart, and his kids adore him! In all of my years married (9 years) I never thought that I could feel so alone. My husband doesn't want me to mention when I'm fertile, so I don't tell him anymore. I hide my OPK's and never say a word (he's on a medication that affects his ability to finish, and feels pressured when it's sex during my fertile window). Okay, so all of that is fine. But what's not okay with me is that he NEVER wants me. I know I'm being whiny, but my feelings are crushed. We are lucky to BD twice a month, and we are only 30!!!! It seems like every time I'm fertile, his stomach hurts, or he's tired, or he has a headache, etc. I thought I was the one that was supposed to say those things. I know his medication doesn't help his libido, but it just seems like I'm the only one making any effort at all. I got a positive OPK (AGAIN...this is a weird cycle). I got my hopes up for a night out, kids are staying over with Grandma, saw a good movie, ate good food. It was wonderful, and I kept telling him how I couldn't wait to be "alone" with him tonight. Hint, hint....Right???? He comes home, says his stomach hurts (even though no funky smells from the bathroom...okay, sorry for the TMI. He hits the bed and goes straight to sleep!!! He slept until 10 this morning, and I got up at 7. Are you kidding me???? Help, ladies! Anybody ever feel this way or have ideas? I'm desperate and don't know how much more I can take!

 

[Baileeboo77]

Well I haven't veen married 9 years but. A ywar and a half and I know ttc has put stress on my marriage. Dh feels pressured when I tell him we have to have sex. He says that I dont even have sex to enjoy it, that I only want his sperm. Which is partially true when om fertile (gosh I know thats horrible). Marriage is hard I dont feel lonely at all except when I bring up ttc. I wanna talk about it all the time and dh says it will happen. He is a lot better and understanding about it now but it took jusy until thw last couple of months for gom to lossen up and joke around about it. I dont think feeling lonely about ttc is abnormal but if you feel lonely outside of ttc you should talk to him! !! Maybe he has no idea how upset you are!

 

[Baileeboo77]

Sorry for the typos im in bed on my phone

 

[Hopeful2014]

I love my husband with all of my heart, and his kids adore him! In all of my years married (9 years) I never thought that I could feel so alone. My husband doesn't want me to mention when I'm fertile, so I don't tell him anymore. I hide my OPK's and never say a word (he's on a medication that affects his ability to finish, and feels pressured when it's sex during my fertile window). Okay, so all of that is fine. But what's not okay with me is that he NEVER wants me. I know I'm being whiny, but my feelings are crushed. We are lucky to BD twice a month, and we are only 30!!!! It seems like every time I'm fertile, his stomach hurts, or he's tired, or he has a headache, etc. I thought I was the one that was supposed to say those things. I know his medication doesn't help his libido, but it just seems like I'm the only one making any effort at all. I got a positive OPK (AGAIN...this is a weird cycle). I got my hopes up for a night out, kids are staying over with Grandma, saw a good movie, ate good food. It was wonderful, and I kept telling him how I couldn't wait to be "alone" with him tonight. Hint, hint....Right???? He comes home, says his stomach hurts (even though no funky smells from the bathroom...okay, sorry for the TMI. He hits the bed and goes straight to sleep!!! He slept until 10 this morning, and I got up at 7. Are you kidding me???? Help, ladies! Anybody ever feel this way or have ideas? I'm desperate and don't know how much more I can take!

Hey! I've been in my relationship for twelve years, but not married nearly that long since it started in high school. My husband and I are so close that I basically tell him whatever I want and he does the same to me. I know that not all men are able to do this. I wonder if he is having trouble and not being intimate with you as much because he fears failure. Sorry if this is to blunt or personal - you do not have to answer, you can just think of it to yourself if you want - but were you intimate more before ttc? If so, it is probably fear of failure and fear of failing you more specifically. Perhaps find at least 1-2 times a week to approach him and try to be romantic. Sometimes it might just be cuddly time and sometimes it can advance to whatever you all deem necessary. Don't even give him a hint at which of those times are fertile and meant specifically for bding. Perhaps give him compliments to build up his self-esteem. Some can be about his looks and some can be about things he does for you or about something that you know he takes pride in. Try to make sure he doesn't think you are just saying them but that you really mean them. If this doesn't work I suggest just talking to him. Tell him what having a baby with him means to you. Tell him that it's not just about the outcome and the baby but also about how the baby and the process will bring you two closer. Good luck and keep us updated!

 

[Ashla]

Unfortunately, I don't have a quick solution to offer you. But I do want you to know that you are not the only one experiencing this. As women we are told by the media and society that our husbands are always gagging for BD and that they never think of anything else. When the portrayal in the media etc doesn't match up with our relationship, it can be really hard not to feel like it is somehow a reflection on our own desirability or femininity.

I have actually experienced this in a previous relationship and DH and I also went through a time (approx 18 months) when I was much more interested in BDing than he was. Eventually with my DH, we worked through it and are now back to (almost) where we were before. And it was funny that when I started to talk to a few close friends about what was going on, they also had similar stories.

Like I said, I don't have any quick solutions for you. But I just wanted you to know that it is not your fault, that it has nothing to do with how beautiful or desirable you are, and that it (almost definitely) will get better.

 

[momwithbabies]

Well I haven't veen married 9 years but. A ywar and a half and I know ttc has put stress on my marriage. Dh feels pressured when I tell him we have to have sex. He says that I dont even have sex to enjoy it, that I only want his sperm. Which is partially true when om fertile (gosh I know thats horrible). Marriage is hard I dont feel lonely at all except when I bring up ttc. I wanna talk about it all the time and dh says it will happen. He is a lot better and understanding about it now but it took jusy until thw last couple of months for gom to lossen up and joke around about it. I dont think feeling lonely about ttc is abnormal but if you feel lonely outside of ttc you should talk to him! !! Maybe he has no idea how upset you are!

You know, you're right. He might not know how upset I am, but he definately knows something is wrong. He knows that I want to have sex. That's for sure...I've made that pretty clear. But maybe he just thinks I'm mean for no reason. I'm not sure, but thank you for your input. Maybe I'm going to have tell him EVERYTHING. I don't want to hurt him, but obviously keeping it inside is not working. Thank you, again, and I wish you well.

 

[momwithbabies]

I love my husband with all of my heart, and his kids adore him! In all of my years married (9 years) I never thought that I could feel so alone. My husband doesn't want me to mention when I'm fertile, so I don't tell him anymore. I hide my OPK's and never say a word (he's on a medication that affects his ability to finish, and feels pressured when it's sex during my fertile window). Okay, so all of that is fine. But what's not okay with me is that he NEVER wants me. I know I'm being whiny, but my feelings are crushed. We are lucky to BD twice a month, and we are only 30!!!! It seems like every time I'm fertile, his stomach hurts, or he's tired, or he has a headache, etc. I thought I was the one that was supposed to say those things. I know his medication doesn't help his libido, but it just seems like I'm the only one making any effort at all. I got a positive OPK (AGAIN...this is a weird cycle). I got my hopes up for a night out, kids are staying over with Grandma, saw a good movie, ate good food. It was wonderful, and I kept telling him how I couldn't wait to be "alone" with him tonight. Hint, hint....Right???? He comes home, says his stomach hurts (even though no funky smells from the bathroom...okay, sorry for the TMI. He hits the bed and goes straight to sleep!!! He slept until 10 this morning, and I got up at 7. Are you kidding me???? Help, ladies! Anybody ever feel this way or have ideas? I'm desperate and don't know how much more I can take!

Hey! I've been in my relationship for twelve years, but not married nearly that long since it started in high school. My husband and I are so close that I basically tell him whatever I want and he does the same to me. I know that not all men are able to do this. I wonder if he is having trouble and not being intimate with you as much because he fears failure. Sorry if this is to blunt or personal - you do not have to answer, you can just think of it to yourself if you want - but were you intimate more before ttc? If so, it is probably fear of failure and fear of failing you more specifically. Perhaps find at least 1-2 times a week to approach him and try to be romantic. Sometimes it might just be cuddly time and sometimes it can advance to whatever you all deem necessary. Don't even give him a hint at which of those times are fertile and meant specifically for bding. Perhaps give him compliments to build up his self-esteem. Some can be about his looks and some can be about things he does for you or about something that you know he takes pride in. Try to make sure he doesn't think you are just saying them but that you really mean them. If this doesn't work I suggest just talking to him. Tell him what having a baby with him means to you. Tell him that it's not just about the outcome and the baby but also about how the baby and the process will bring you two closer. Good luck and keep us updated!

I think this problem started about the time we started TTC, but this is #3 for us. He might be worried about failure altogether, but for some reason, that doesn't seem like him. Maybe I'm wrong, though. Nevertheless, I do try more often to give hints that I want him (even when I'm not fertile). It's hard though because when he gets off of work, he watches TV in the living room. I'll ask him to come to bed with me, and he says, "In a little bit." Of course that always ends in me falling asleep. Or he comes home and plays on his phone, and we don't communicate much. Grrrrrr! I really don't know! Our communication is about as healthy as how much we BD I'm tired of feeling rejected, and I don't know how many more cycles I can do this. Maybe I should compliment him more. I love him to death, we are both losing weight together, and after 9 years, maybe he's forgotten how much I adore him and can't live without him. I think, after I cool off, I'll try that and see where it takes us. However, for the moment, I might just have to lay everything out on the table. Thank you for your help, and I will keep you posted with any progress.

 

[momwithbabies]

Unfortunately, I don't have a quick solution to offer you. But I do want you to know that you are not the only one experiencing this. As women we are told by the media and society that our husbands are always gagging for BD and that they never think of anything else. When the portrayal in the media etc doesn't match up with our relationship, it can be really hard not to feel like it is somehow a reflection on our own desirability or femininity.

I have actually experienced this in a previous relationship and DH and I also went through a time (approx 18 months) when I was much more interested in BDing than he was. Eventually with my DH, we worked through it and are now back to (almost) where we were before. And it was funny that when I started to talk to a few close friends about what was going on, they also had similar stories.

Like I said, I don't have any quick solutions for you. But I just wanted you to know that it is not your fault, that it has nothing to do with how beautiful or desirable you are, and that it (almost definitely) will get better.

Awe! Thank you for saying that. I think I do equate him not wanting to BD to being undesirable. I've lost 12 pounds and I've been trying to look more put together, but that hasn't worked (which hurts my feelings even more). But anyway, the media does portray men as sex driven creatures, and he used to be like that. Now TTC has messed up everything. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one who has felt like this, and that it can get better.

 

[ttcmomma13]

My hubby is not the typical male either. We bd like 5 times a month. It bothers
Me that he isn't always up for bd. makes me feel hurt and makes me very upset sometimes. We've been married 2 years. Now that we are ttc I was hoping he would want to bd wayyyy more, but he must think that bd 1 time and boom preggo. Not gonna happen that way ugh.

 

[shortie58]

Could have written this myself hubby and I have been married nearly 4 years and together nearly seven and he said to me just the other night I don't want having another baby to become a chore like it did the first time.. I check opk and like to make sure we baby dance in my fertile windows but am really trying this month to dtd more so it doesn't feel like a chore to him... Sometimes I wonder if men really know how we feel and how much it effect us as women
Big hugs

 

[momwithbabies]

TTCMomma-I'm so sorry, and I know how you feel. It hurts. I did talk to my husband today about it. I laid all my cards out on the table and held nothing back. He sat, listened, then said he would try harder. I felt bad because I could tell I hurt his feelings. I told him I would be more open about my feelings, instead of holding it all in until I burst. He agreed, and he said that he honestly didn't know I was feeling so lonely. Have you talked to your husband about it? He may be like mine and honestly have no clue how much this hurts.

 

[momwithbabies]

Could have written this myself hubby and I have been married nearly 4 years and together nearly seven and he said to me just the other night I don't want having another baby to become a chore like it did the first time.. I check opk and like to make sure we baby dance in my fertile windows but am really trying this month to dtd more so it doesn't feel like a chore to him... Sometimes I wonder if men really know how we feel and how much it effect us as women
Big hugs

Thank you because it is nice to know I'm not the only woman out there feeling this way. It's so hard knowing that you're fertile, and then no sex. It makes me feel like I've wasted money on OPK's, but even more, that I'm further away from holding a precious baby in my arms. And it's hard to always be the one that "makes the first move" in sex. Then, the rejection is really awful. She I talked to him today about it, I mentioned that I'm very uncomfortable always being the one to initiate sex. He said he would work on that. We shall see....

 

[momwithbabies]

I just wanted to thank you ladies for your posts. It's like therapy Keep me updated and I'll do the same.

 

[lolasmith]

I just wanted to say that it is normal to feel that way. Just as it is normal to not have sex all the time. A lot of things get in the way. I feel like sex happens when both parties feel all loved up and want to do it, but so many things get in the way of it!! Stress, work, boredom, anything like that I find makes me totally uninspired to do it. It is something that has gotten in the way of ttc for us. We can go from bding every day to once a month, it depends how we are feeling in general. My advice is focus on making life good in general, and focus on really enjoying each other in all areas, when everything is good sex will happen!!

 

[momwithbabies]

I just wanted to say that it is normal to feel that way. Just as it is normal to not have sex all the time. A lot of things get in the way. I feel like sex happens when both parties feel all loved up and want to do it, but so many things get in the way of it!! Stress, work, boredom, anything like that I find makes me totally uninspired to do it. It is something that has gotten in the way of ttc for us. We can go from bding every day to once a month, it depends how we are feeling in general. My advice is focus on making life good in general, and focus on really enjoying each other in all areas, when everything is good sex will happen!!

Thank you for the advice. I know you're right. What is frustrating is that sometimes I feel like everything else is "fine," but still no sex. I guess it's not an overnight fix or quick process to this. We've been going through a "dry spell" for about 3 years now. I love my husband and he loves me which I know is the most important thing. Hopefully, all of this will make us better communicators.

 

[lolasmith]

I am sure it will make you both better communicators. Men can be so weird, a lot of the time I don't think men know why, like their brain doesn't even question why they don't have the desire, or when they do have the desire they don't know why either. I know this sounds very very sexist, and I really don't mean it to be that way at all, it is more specific to my partner, where he is very 'it is what it is' rather than 'this is why'. And only after I initiate communication will he question himself.

If it makes you feel any better my partner and I have been together for 7 years, and our intimacy history makes no sense at all, like if you put it in a graph there is no trend! We are just as close, just as in love, but the desire has ups and downs.
When I have the desire and he doesn't it is a huge blow to my femininity. I can completely emphasize.

And you know how sometimes even if things are fine we just don't feel that great? with no real reason to it? Maybe it is a bit like that for him sometimes??

It could be because of anything, from mild depression to lowering testosterone levels!

I know estrogens in our foods can have a huge impact on mens well being, sexually and mentally, and it is a significant problem for men everywhere.

Hang in there xx

 

[momwithbabies]

I am sure it will make you both better communicators. Men can be so weird, a lot of the time I don't think men know why, like their brain doesn't even question why they don't have the desire, or when they do have the desire they don't know why either. I know this sounds very very sexist, and I really don't mean it to be that way at all, it is more specific to my partner, where he is very 'it is what it is' rather than 'this is why'. And only after I initiate communication will he question himself.

If it makes you feel any better my partner and I have been together for 7 years, and our intimacy history makes no sense at all, like if you put it in a graph there is no trend! We are just as close, just as in love, but the desire has ups and downs.
When I have the desire and he doesn't it is a huge blow to my femininity. I can completely emphasize.

And you know how sometimes even if things are fine we just don't feel that great? with no real reason to it? Maybe it is a bit like that for him sometimes??

It could be because of anything, from mild depression to lowering testosterone levels!

I know estrogens in our foods can have a huge impact on mens well being, sexually and mentally, and it is a significant problem for men everywhere.

Hang in there xx

You are so right! My husband never stresses and worries why about anything. He is a go with the flow kind of guy. That's probably a good thing because I am such a worry wart!

As far as sex drive, his is nearly gone, but he said he's going to try harder. I hope it doesn't make things worse because when he feels pressured to "perform," he won't finish. Then, he feels insecure and feels he can't satisfy me. Then, I feel guilty for making him feel that way. I hope all of that made sense. I'm tired. But anyway, hopefully I can help him feel loved whether we are intimate or not and vice versa.

 

[ttcmomma13]

TTCMomma-I'm so sorry, and I know how you feel. It hurts. I did talk to my husband today about it. I laid all my cards out on the table and held nothing back. He sat, listened, then said he would try harder. I felt bad because I could tell I hurt his feelings. I told him I would be more open about my feelings, instead of holding it all in until I burst. He agreed, and he said that he honestly didn't know I was feeling so lonely. Have you talked to your husband about it? He may be like mine and honestly have no clue how much this hurts.

I deal with it and hold it all in until I burst, and we have an argument. I've mentioned it to him before, but he goes in spurts. I swear he needs to get bloodwork done. He's a hard worker, works full time plus around the house but he is always so tired and exhausted and for being 28 it worries me. I want to open up to him but I'm afraid of an arguement, or hurting his feelings. I just wish he was wanting it (bd) more

 

[momwithbabies]

TTCMomma-I'm so sorry, and I know how you feel. It hurts. I did talk to my husband today about it. I laid all my cards out on the table and held nothing back. He sat, listened, then said he would try harder. I felt bad because I could tell I hurt his feelings. I told him I would be more open about my feelings, instead of holding it all in until I burst. He agreed, and he said that he honestly didn't know I was feeling so lonely. Have you talked to your husband about it? He may be like mine and honestly have no clue how much this hurts.

I deal with it and hold it all in until I burst, and we have an argument. I've mentioned it to him before, but he goes in spurts. I swear he needs to get bloodwork done. He's a hard worker, works full time plus around the house but he is always so tired and exhausted and for being 28 it worries me. I want to open up to him but I'm afraid of an arguement, or hurting his feelings. I just wish he was wanting it (bd) more

I am so sorry. I don't know why this all happens, but it's enough to make a person crazy! I'm going to have to see how this next month goes, but I really don't have a perfect answer to any of this. All I know is that it hurts and makes me angry and bitter. I hope you know you are not alone. Please keep me updated.

 

[momwithbabies]

An update ladies. Here we are again. Today was a hard day. I'm feeling lonely and hurt again. It hurts even more this time because he knows everything and how I feel. I broke down this afternoon because the rejection hurts. I think maybe I'm done. No more "trying" to have a baby with hardly any sex. We did BD a couple of days ago, so of course, to top things off, I'll be putting myself through the "maybe" game this cycle. And we most likely will not have sex again this cycle. My husband has been working a lot this month. I just want to be close with him. I love him, but I take all of this to heart. I need a different game plan...possibly no plan. Any ideas?