Anyone have trouble with stepkids?

[nzblondie]

I feel like I'm at breaking point. I've been with OH for 3 years now, and I've known his kids for the past two years (SD is almost 5 and SS is almost 10). For the first year and a bit we had them every second weekend and every Wednesday but their mum took a new job in April this year which means she travels out of the country for weeks at a time, so it works out we have them for around 50% of the time these days.

The problem is their behaviour. They have absolutely no rules at their mums house...not one! They can act however they want, say what they want (they are incredibly rude and disrespectful), break things, have a million tantrums a day (no I'm not kidding and yes this includes the 10yr old) etc with no consequence whatsoever. The 5yr old still drinks out of a baby's bottle!!! Their mother refuses to have any discipline them or demand that they respect her (or us) because...and I quote...'I don't want them to have any bad memories of me'.

We on the other hand have rules in our house but because 50% of the time they are with their mum, nothing we say or do has any effect. They both go into fits of rage/crying when they don't get their own way at least a few times a day over such minor things as not being allowed a dessert for breakfast. My OH and I are at wits end, we don't want their visits to our place to soley consist of us telling them off but that is what happens and it's just awful. They run back to their mother saying this is the 'mean house' and they hate everything about it here, which just destroys my OH.

To top if off I am almost 6 1/2 months pregnant and I'm just not coping with all the fighting and horribleness in the house. I stand in the kitchen and tell myself to 'just breathe' when I can hear them pulling up in the driveway. Half the time they are already fighting or crying over something. I've got to the point, I just dread the visits. SS has threatened to punch and and stab his dad. I was brought up in a very peaceful and happy home where my mum and dad were on the same team with regards to discipline etc. I've been around children a lot over the past few years and I've just never encountered behaviour like this. My OH thinks I'm to harsh saying that I expect them to be perfect, which is totally not the case. I know kids cry and fight etc but not ALL the time. Even my mother who looks after kids as part of her job says they are the kids from hell and their own aunty said she she feels bad for not warning me about what I was getting into years ago. I feel so uncomfortable talking to OH about anything to do with this issue as they are his kids and he loves them so much. We love each other dearly and have a wonderful relationship, but things get so strained when SD and SS are over we've almost broken up a few times!

I feel so alone in this situation as I live 1.5 hours away from my friends and 24 hours flight from my family. None of them are stepmothers either which doesn't help as I don't feel like anyone understands.

I hear of so many other people who just love their stepkids dearly. I wan't to be one of those people, but I just switch off when they are here as I'm tired of putting up with their behaviour. I'm so scared that our baby will pick up habits from their brother & sister.

I'm about to give up on this relationship, but for the baby's sake I want to try and hold it together as long as I can.

I feel like it's just me in the situation sometimes....

 

[alienbabe4321]

I know this is long but I hope it helps.

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your step-children problem.

I can't say I know where you're coming from as a step parent however, I can see things from a step-child's point of view. Although, I can't say I was ever allowed to behave in a manner any where close to this!

I'm not trying to back the kids up for their behaviour but you do need to see it from a different point of view.

They have had to put up with their parents splitting up and then deal with the consequent split weekends which isn't easy for any child. After all most children think a happy family is one with both parents present and happy together...until they are taught that just because a situation is different to the norm doesn't make it less happy.

This on it's own wouldn't help with their behaviour, however, add a mother who doesn't discipline her children then you haven't only got a different kettle of fish, it's more like a jaccuzi full of piranahs!

The best bit of advice I can give you is this... Agree with your OH that his kids behaviours need alteration and then arrange to sit down with their mother and explain the situation as it ends up being in your house with SD and SS present. Express the fact that just because they get discipline doesn't mean they will have bad memories of her. If anything, they will enjoy their childhood more fully by having structure and limitations. Afterall, at the moment, they need to make decisions that they're not ready to yet (dessert form breakfast?)

Explain that it will be very hard for a little while to set groundrules and she will receive the "I hate you" and "You're evil and you don't love me" but this is because of the fact that they are so used to a certain way of things. This DOESN'T mean they actually hate her, it's just the shock of not being able to do what they want, when they want.

She is likely to put up a fight and accuse you of telling her how to raise her children but you do need to make sure that the discussion is left with everyone on the same page. Best place to do all this is in a nutural environment so neither party has higher ground by being on "their turf".

Oh and also, stay calm! Raised voices only make a discussion pointless.

 

[nzblondie]

Thanks for the reply hun. I definitely do try and see it from their point of view which is why I'm still in this relationship and I'm always very calm with the kids and never ever raise my voice..ie yell or anything, and I try very hard to not show how their behaviour upsets me but it is getting very hard.

We have tried desperately to talk to their mother but she flat out refuses to meet with us to discuss anything. She admits that they behave like that in her house but rather than do anything about it, she just blames my OH saying it's his fault because he left. It's almost like she wants them to misbehave so she can blame him for something. One of the main reasons he left her in the first place is because she refused to listen to his idea's on bringing up the kids. It doesn't help that she tells the kids that I'm the reason their dad left which is completely not the case at all!

We are really nice about their mum when they are over at our house and make them feel as comfortable as we can about calling her and keeping photos of her in their room etc....but when they go home, she's removed any photos of their dad and they are banned from mentioning my name or talking about any family members on OH's side. She is always badmouthing my OH in front of the kids (which is a MASSIVE no-no in my books), and has told them all the details of the divorce ie lawyers details etc. I'm not surprised they act the way they do, but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with.

I really do feel for them as divorce is hard for any kid (my parents were also divorced) but its also been years since it happened and its not acceptable for this sort of behaviour to continue....yet it does.

I just want a happy home environment for everyone involved. It's not too much to ask is it?

 

[alienbabe4321]

No, that's not too much to ask.

Just a thought. Would it be an option for your OH to have primary custody of the children?

If you and him explained everything that has been happening to a lawyer, he would most likely get it.

This would mean that, although they would kick off about not seeing mummy that often, they would get an upbringing that they deserve and require.

It may seem a little harsh however, it is obvious, from what you have said that this woman is not cut out for this role and will only poison the childrens minds to the point where they will get into serious trouble from a very young age and probably sooner rather than later, with the law.

Just food for thought. Keep your chin up.

 

[nzblondie]

It would be a great thought...but she is a very smart woman with a powerful job and good income (more than OH) etc...so to get custody based on what technically could be classed as 'hearsay' would be difficult.

Thanks for replying again. Just needed to get a rant off my chest before I explode!

Congrats on your by the way. Hope everything goes well.

xx

 

[Chantibug]

It would be a great thought...but she is a very smart woman with a powerful job and good income (more than OH) etc...so to get custody based on what technically could be classed as 'hearsay' would be difficult.

Thanks for replying again. Just needed to get a rant off my chest before I explode!

Congrats on your by the way. Hope everything goes well.

xx

She may be all of those things, but she is a bad mom. The kids call your home the mean one because they are being diciplined, as ALL kids need to be. Keep a journal of all that happens, including conversations with her or conversations of her refusing to talk. Have OH email her if possible , asking to meet with a family therapist or something to talk. Let her repsond "no". Print it and keep it. Build your case. Courts DO look at that, I promise that. Besides, if she is out of the country lots for work and OH and you have them 50% anyway, your odds are awesome for him gaining primary custody.

I would not want those kids around and influencing my new baby when born, and im sure you dont like that idea either. You also should put your foot down with OH and tell him he HAS to figure out something with his ex or let the courts do it for him/them, because it is straining your relationship with him.

 

[charlotteb24]

I can relate to a certain extent with the discipline, my 2 step sons were 3 and 13 when we first got together and their mum was so laid back with them and their upbringing that she was almost vertical. When they lived with us for the weekend, we had strict rules about, respect, tidiness etc and oh my god did they hate it? yes they did and we still get struggles over it now!
Youngest step son conforms after a ew days of us having him and settles into our structred household brilliantly, infact he even thrives off of it to the point where hes saying i will really miss you when i go home!
Oldest step son is too old and far too head strong to the point that now his visits are cut short from say a week in the holidays down to overnight as he was literally disrespecting everything we asked of him causing immense amounts of worry etc.
The boys are now 7 and 17 years old.

I would sit them down and tell them that in your house these are the rules and that your house and their mums house are 2 different things. Write them down on the wall, write down their daily routine you expect them to adhere to and reward them for good behaviour with things they want. Games, trips out, cinema etc. And for bad behavior stick to your guns however hard. Put them in timeout and persevere, if it takes u 3 hours to get them to sit in timeout for 5 mins then it does. Children need routine and if they know thats how it is at yours they will soon conform and if they don't then you need to get oh to seriously sit down with his ex and lay down the laws and if she doesn't want to know then she will have to seriously consider if he jobs worth the while. Its not healthy for any of you! and new baby wont be happy if it can sense tension all the time, they are old enough to behave themselves and therefore action needs to be taken especally if u are getting so strtessed xx

 

[leeanne]

I am a stepmom of two teenagers and have been in their lives since they were 1. Honestly, they knew no better at a young age about the fact that mom and dad aren't together and they were pretty well behaved.

I have to say that you should really sit with your OH and make some boundaries for these kids. Mom may let them do negative things but in your house it is not allowed. One house needs to get them down the right track before their behavior whirlwinds out of control.

 

[nzblondie]

Thanks for replies ladies. What we are finding tough is that we DO NOT allow the bad behaviour at our house but we are finding that we spend all our energy sending them to their rooms all the time or the naughty step (for the younger one) or banning TV or video games etc but nothing seems to work. 70% of the visits are full of tears and tantrums and it just makes life miserable here.

I just switch off now because if I tell SD off for anything (sternly but not yelling or anything) she tells her mother that I hit her and I definitely don't need to be dealing with the issues that saying that could cause....especially being pregnant.

Myself and OH just feel a bit lost at the moment because nothing we try works. Things would be so much easier if there was just some consistency between the two houses, but they are at opposite ends of the spectrum. It gets to the point that they hate being here so much that they refuse to come over sometimes which just kills my OH.

 

[angelwings666]

Just to add that I really agree with charlotteb24's suggestions about establishing a routine for your house, and what is and isn't allowed, including things on the wall and reward charts etc. It'll be hell for a bit, but eventually they will learn what is acceptable where.