Anyone have "uninterested grandparents"???? Help

[tulip2002]

Ok i want honest opinions about my situation.
Been together 7 years and have 2 kids and another on the way. When we moved intogether over 6 years ago i use to make the effort every few weeks to go and visit oh parents roll on after our first still did the same till first was about 18months. Then i thought hold on here. Why the hell am i being the pushover and why cant they be arsed to come visit us more instead of us all the time. Bear in mind both fully drive. Dont work are both in excellent health and nothing wrong with them and live a cushy life and we only a 30 min drive away, nothing at all. She has no involvement with her grankids what so ever only time she pops down is maybe twice a year and one of them times its to collect her and family's xmas cards for money. Last time she came was last December and was a day kids were in school and obviously she would know that. I put my foot down and refused to go anymore as why should i? And it has caused many probs to start with with partner sayin im slaggin his mum off when why should I keep goin. Obviously he knows i wont go now and havent dun for a few years so we dont argue about it now and when we did always use to defend them and made it i was the bad one! Thing is he dont even visit her but only because i think thats it cos me and kids wont go. Kids dont know here as grandma and have referred to her and called her the lady which i thought was funny. Well now im pregnant again and i said well when r u telling ur parents. Mine already know as needed them at bad time i had with this pregnancy. And he turned round and just said casually dunno prob after next scan we'll pop up and tell them. Well i was so shocked at that i didnt reply as we was just watchin tv at the time so didn't say nothing. Now im fuming inside he expects me to go visit and tell em! An i wrong to saying no and duno how i would tell him aint goin without starting a argument. Bearing in mind she has only seen her grankids a handful of times in nearly 6 years. Never asks or calls to c how they r or anything. Good job they have there other grandma who works full time but sees them all the time and they really love her to bits. Sorry for long post. Theres alot more to it than this but isnt relavent to kids so doesn't matter about that wouldn't say shes a nasty women but she just has no intrest in her grankids what so ever and these will be her only ones.

 

[Scout]

My dad's mom was like that. I didn't get to know her until I was an adult. She just didn't like kids. She thought everyone's life should revolve around her and everything was always about her. My mom tried taking us around when we were really little, but grandmother's lack of interest was obvious. I suppose my mom was fortunate because my dad could see the way his mom was and didn't have a close relationship with her anyways, so he didn't care that we never saw her. I'd have a talk with OH (sorry if it causes an argument) and let him tell her. She doesn't care. It's sad, but it is what it is. As an adult, I don't feel I missed anything by not knowing my grandmother or grandfather on my dad's side. I had plenty of people to love me. At this point, the ball is in her court, imo. You can only do so much, you know. If someone isn't interested, you can't change that and it's best to move on. They are missing out and if they ever realize that, then they can make an effort. You already made the effort. My 2 cents. Good luck.

 

[2ducks]

I had a hard time following your story but I will give you my two cents. It is your partner's responsibility to manage his side of the family and your responsibility to manage your side of the family. If you are with the kids and passing his parents house on a drive, sure, stop in and say hi but don't feel the need to go out of the way to visit with them. If your OH wants the kids to see his parents than he can take them or he can take the initiative to invite his parents to your house. If they are interested in being part of the kids lives they will make more of an effort, if not than that is just the way it is. Not everyone is into their grand kids, nieces/nephews, cousins etc. That's just who some people are. Don't worry about telling your in-laws about your current pregnancy, that is your OH's job. Sounds this ongoing power struggle between your in-laws, OH and yourself has caused some friction in your relationship with OH. It is time to set some clear expectations and boundaries with him. Let him know that from now on he needs to manage the kids relationship with his parents because it stresses you out.

Good luck with everything!

 

[KatO79]

tulip it sounds like we have a simliar issue although in my case, it's my mother that has almost 0 interest in my pregnancy and has already said that DH and I should spend Christmas with my IL's this year since baby will be arriving in October

My mother is very toxic and I've come to the conclusion that she most likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder as every characteristic fits her. The only thing that matters to her are herself and her interests and what she wants. Her #1 priority is herself and it always has been. She's been emotionally and mentaly abusive all my life and turned me into the family scapegoat from a very early age. She shows no real interest in scan pics or anything. Is it possible that your OH's parents also have this disorder?

If they do, it sounds like your OH is in denial and it may be very difficult in that case to get him to see what his parents truely are. His reaction isn't unusual as many want to live in denial and seeing the truth can be very scary and lead to not having any family left because you either end up going no contact or am ostracised from your famliy for being the truth teller and pointing out the dysfunction. My siblings are unfortunately also toxic and are currently ostracising me because I see them for what they are and refuse to accept their abusive behavior. My toxic mother I'm very low contact with which is best for both mine and my future child's mental health. As long as your OH lives in denial, it may be almost impossible to argue for your case. A family that has 1-2 narcissistis in it is like a cult and all memebers do what they can to present themselves as a perfect family when nothing could be further from the truth. My best advice would be if they aren't verbally abusive towards you is to go with the flow, don't make a huge deal of trying to involve them though. Just tell them updates when they ask and keep things light. Don't expect them to be involved and don't push for them to be, you will just be disappointed and frustrated.

 

[Laylagirl]

My dad's mom was like that. I didn't get to know her until I was an adult. She just didn't like kids. She thought everyone's life should revolve around her and everything was always about her. My mom tried taking us around when we were really little, but grandmother's lack of interest was obvious. I suppose my mom was fortunate because my dad could see the way his mom was and didn't have a close relationship with her anyways, so he didn't care that we never saw her. I'd have a talk with OH (sorry if it causes an argument) and let him tell her. She doesn't care. It's sad, but it is what it is. As an adult, I don't feel I missed anything by not knowing my grandmother or grandfather on my dad's side. I had plenty of people to love me. At this point, the ball is in her court, imo. You can only do so much, you know. If someone isn't interested, you can't change that and it's best to move on. They are missing out and if they ever realize that, then they can make an effort. You already made the effort. My 2 cents. Good luck.

That makes me sad... My husbands family is like this.. I used to take my children over once a week... But they have no interest in them because in their eyes, I ruined their sons life because he started a family with ME and I already had two kids from a previous relationship... It makes me sad that they don't even care for my little ones.... And I hope they eventually come around...

 

[kajastarlight]

I have a similar situation. My MIL lives 3 hours away and in a motor home. (The motor home doesn't run, it is just where they live.) The drive is hard on my back, the visit is hard on my whole body as we stay outside mostly and I have to chase my LO around. (Makes my fibromyalgia flair.) She always cries that she misses us and hates she can't see her grandkids but when we do go down there she spends 97% of the time doing yard work or on Facebook!! She will not come to us even when we offer to send her gas $$ because it is too far of a car ride for her dogs and she doesn't want to leave them that long.
So she says she wants to be part of our life but does not act like it one bit!

 

[Oxygen7880]

Yeah my dad is very in and out of my lg life. When she was a newborn he was helpful in a practical way, in getting me shopping in etc for the first 2 weeks but not very hands on with my girl. I hoped it would change as she grew up but to be honest it hasn't. I don't take her to his house because him and his partner smoke. They smoke outside but at the door so I still think it's smokey. Anyway his partner thinks I am creating a reason not to take my lg down and so doesn't speak to us anymore. My dad pops round every now and again (usually when he's on his way back from walking the dogs as its on the route). My lg adores him and it makes me so sad because he never texts me to ask how she is, even if he knows she's ill etc. He will see her like twice in one week which is great (and unexpected) and then he will go weeks where we barely hear from him let alone see him.
He's the same with my sisters two boys though. He's much more hands on with his partners grandchildren and it's very hurtful for me and sister.
Ps he lives two streets away so it's not like he has far to come.

 

[misspriss]

Yes. My dad is like this. My mom passed away a few years ago, and he completely changed. At first I thought it was temporary but I think it is more than that.

He sees my children at holidays, at get togethers where the whole family is there. He has been to my house to see them never, and he has come over to use my printer twice. His "lady friend" has brought him by to see the kids twice, so she could see them, but he just stood around in the kitchen.

I don't go to his because he takes no care to prepare his house for children. We used to go on occasion and I spent the entire time keeping my toddler out of dangerous things just left lying around. Now I have two and I'm not even going to attempt it.

He didn't even come to my daughter's birthday party, although he has made it to all 3 of my son's. It wasn't as if he was super busy, he went to the lake with the woman he is somewhat dating (he won't commit at all, says it isn't serious) instead.