Ashamed. . . .

[maaybe2010]

I am begining to really resent my OH for these fertility issues. . . .

I feel as if I was with someone else this would all be so easy, no IVF, no tears, no wasted time

I love my OH so much and I'm not planning on ever leaving him but I can't stop these thoughts, I've even thought about if I was to sleep with someone else behind his back and get pregnant that way. Of course I'm not going to do this but feel awful for even thinking it

I know it can't totally be all his fault becasue he did get me pregnant and I lost it but I still deep down feel that it is all his fault.

I sound like such a cow

 

[PR&TR13]

Oh sweetie I know how you feel!!!! The first time we saw my DH SA I flipped!!! I'm worse I even told him that I hoped I had issues too because I didn't know how I could take it knowing that because of him!!! And for a while I would even count his vit and if he didn't take them I was one mean person, telling him that I was doing everything and he wasn't doing anything and didn't care!!! I think God heard me cause I ended up with issues too and I was devestated! Even though I said it I really saw that I didn't mean that!!! I had to apologize and it really showed me how to be more supportive and appreciate him. I seriuosly think it brought us closer and made us both work harder.

I think it's normal to feel that way and it's ok to be angry and think the things we think, like you said it's just as long as we don't act on it and know that even with another guy it might still be hard and plus our DH are great Father material! So I know that the only thing that really helps is prayer. I think that's where I'm at now. I've put everything in God's hands.

I'm here if you ever need to talk cause I def. know what your going through!!

 

[raf-wife]

 

[maaybe2010]

Thank you ladies, I really appreciate both your responces

 

[RGEC47]

I am the complete opposite. I am the one that has the issues, DH results came back normal and he does have one child, so it is not him. I feel so guilty that I can not have a child the "natural" way and think to myself what if he gets tired of all the appts, meds, etc. Thankfully DH assured me that we are in together and we will have a child someday.

You are definitely right to have these feelings, TTC is difficult enough and having added issues makes it worse and more stressful. Keep in mind that you OH is with you in this and that you both want the same thing. The resentment will pass and you and your OH will have your child.

 

[MissMonty]

I know totally how you feel

We have MF too and have just had another failed IVF cycle

I have very similar thoughts also, DH said to me this week that he understands if I want to leave him and find someone else, the thing is I really don't want to be with anyone else, I try and focus on the positives in our marriage, we have lots of fun together and I really believe he is the best husband in the world, he is also my best friend and I really feel the horrible experience has made us stronger as a couple.

It's great we have a place l ike bnb to share our feelings as I know I could never discuss this with anyone else.

Wishing you all the best

 

[maaybe2010]

Thanks ladies
I'm pretty convinced that my feelings must be normal since I'm not the only one feeling them lol, kinda tempted to look into infertility counselling

I wish you both the best and glad you also have very supportive partners, IVF is so friggin hard and to get through it kinda proves that we're with the right person

I'll add some dust to this thread for everyone

 

[MiBebe]

Trust me I know how you feel

DH has children with different women and neither of them are worth two pennies rubbed together. Both of these women were just booty calls and POW they get pregnant. No love involved, nothing. Here I am married to the guy and I can't get pregnant. Doesn't seem very fair to me. I got so mad at him the other day I said, maybe I should have been one of them ho's because that would've guaranteed that I'd be pregnant by now. He didn't say anything, just a sad face. I of course felt awful afterward. I didn't say sorry though LOL

 

[maaybe2010]

LOL MiBebe!

 

[PR&TR13]

My DH has a daughter with his 1st wife and they divorced cause she cheated on him but I even asked him if she was his cause of the sperm motility & count issue he was having. He just said who know, but at this point I'm the father she knows so I'd keep it that way. I kinda have always wanted to secreatly test them but don't have the courage to do it. I think if she wouldn't be I might get mad one day and not be able to hold it in and it would probably destroy him or if she would be and we would never be able to concieve I think it would destroy me. So for now I'll keep it like this.

Life

 

[MiBebe]

My DH has a daughter with his 1st wife and they divorced cause she cheated on him but I even asked him if she was his cause of the sperm motility & count issue he was having. He just said who know, but at this point I'm the father she knows so I'd keep it that way. I kinda have always wanted to secreatly test them but don't have the courage to do it. I think if she wouldn't be I might get mad one day and not be able to hold it in and it would probably destroy him or if she would be and we would never be able to concieve I think it would destroy me. So for now I'll keep it like this.

Life

Whoa! I say take them both to the Maury show if you live in the states

LOL MiBebe!

LMAO!!! It felt good to type that. Then I felt bad. Then the feeling passed, felt great again LMAO

It was nice to vent!

 

[PR&TR13]

LOL!!!!! Sounds like a Maury show

I think God just wants it to be so we will just focus on the present and move forward I Have faith that the good Lord has on or a couple for us together

but like mi bebe dice it's good to let it out every once in a while!!!!

I def have a new prospective when I had to even under go surgery and he was right next to me saying he wishes it would only be him

 

[Inky2006]

maaybe2010

Your thoughts are completely normal. After 1 failed ICSI (malefactor count of 3million) I feel the same. I have thought about leaving my husband but love him. And as MissMonty said he is my best friend. I don't want children with anyone else. The resentment is there though. I have decided that I will do 3 full cycles of IVF with FETs in between. If these don't work than I am looking at adoption. I think of the years it took me to me my husband and how much he is enriched my life and I know deep down I don't want to lose thatxxx

 

[LouiseB]

I was going to post a thread about this too but changed my mind because i thought i'd sound like a mega b1tch...

I don't blame my husband, like it's all his fault, but i find myself feeling really resentful towards his lifestyle choices.

I used to nag him about his lifestyle, but i can feel myself really resenting him for the same things now.

He is practically infertile due to his diabetes. So when i see him eating sugary snacks, whereas before i would just roll my eyes, now i feel really very offended by it.

Also, i mentioned to him that both of us can't put on any more weight or we won't get treated and when i see him pigging out it really makes my blood boil.

I haven't confronted him about it, because i don't want him to feel like he is the source of all my upset but the things that he has always done certainly have a much huger impact on my feelings towards him.

 

[PR&TR13]

Louis B - I really do think he needs to know. I think men sometimes don't know that they make us upset. I know my DH tells me all the time "I can't read your mind, if you don't tell me it bugs you how can I make it better"?!?! It's true they need to know.

I know that when we first started this process he wouldn't always take his vit and I would get really mad and I finally told him. Look by you not taking your vit I feel that you are slapping me in the face saying I DON'T CARE!!! And this will never happen unless we both CARE and we BOTH fight for it and BELIEVE in it! Actually I'm saying it a lot nicer on here but I can tell you it went down a little worse. But we talked about it and we got everything out he said he really wanted a baby and that he sometimes just forgot but if I'd help remind him it would be good. We came up with a plan where he takes 2 in the morning 1 at lunch and 1 with supper. Now I put 4 out on the counter top and he knows if he has taken it or not.

Hang in there and definitley communicate. It's okay to be mad and upset but I know now that if it were just an issue with me he'd hang in there and help me through it.

Best of luck

 

[waitinghoping]

I can definitely understand the resentment issues. I feel terrible in my situation because it's my "fault" due to my dysfunctional ovaries and eggs. Although, it's nobody's fault as long as they're doing the right things and trying to be healthy. Hang in there girls, it will happen for you and all of us

 

[princessjulia]

hi maaybe2010 i think i was yr buddy i feel same way as you i mc june 2010 after 3 yrs of tryin i feel useless as i cudnt acheive baby after such long time i have kids my hubby has 1 wiv his ex so theres nowt wrong wiv either of us i got bfp on 3rd cycle clomid had another 3 cycles and this time it hasnt worked ob was shocked at it not happing on 3rd cycle so yep feel useless even consider my hubby finding some 1 else 2 have baby wiv of course he wudnt agree and loves me no matter if we eva have child together or not so i suppose shud be thankful for small mercies lol so no maaybe2010 yr defo not alone

 

[Reilley]

Wow.. what you girls post ist exactly what I think...my tests came back normal but his SA was devestating!

Since my hubby suffers from depression episodes I am the one cheerleading on the sidelines: "We will do it, do not worry" etc but secretly I am so frustrated and passive aggressive....and that is not fair!

I am just sick and tired of being the supportive one and even for that thought I feeel sooooooo bad!

 

[LouiseB]

PR&TR13 - Thanks for the advice, i should say something i guess but i just feel it will cause more mutual tension than just me feeling tense It not impacting my feeling towards him deep down, but just at the time, and i'm scared it might cause a lasting feeling of irritation with each other if he does his usual and accuses me of nagging

Reilley - I really get your feelings of being the constant source of support for your partner making it seem your the strong one, when really you need support yourself.

 

[brumbar]

PR, hun, good chance kid is his, mine has 2 DD with his ex wife, they look like him....and no chance of her having an affair......lol! Things change over time... Scientists blame oxidative stress and enviromental toxins!