Aunt Needs Advice re: 2 year old!

[LovingAunt]

Hi All!

I am requesting advice from parents who have been through this... So just to cut to the chase, I am a new Aunt (by marriage) to a 3 mo premature baby who is turning 2 years old in less than a month. I am not too familiar with this subject, but I really want to learn. I was just wondering if it is "ok" that he is not talking yet, is not able to focus and can barely hold crayons or anything in his hands, amongst other things.

Are these things that could possibly take more than 2 years to learn or is this something that definitely needs to be addressed? (They live in Canada and the health system is quite different from where I am and I don't think a lot of things are covered. I don't think it is even possible for them to get him checked out by more than one doctor since the original doctor doesn't feel there is any "immediate problem".)

Any advice or thoughts on this would be much appreciated!!!

 

[AP]

I have a 21 month old who was born 3m premature. I believe it is normal? She doesnt talk, nor understand crayons( she'd eat them)

Saying that doesnt he hold anything at all? What does mom say?

 

[nkbapbt]

I am in Canada as well, and our health care system is very extensive. If the first doctor doesn't feel there is a problem, they would be most certainly allowed and covered to get another opinion. It is possible there is nothing wrong however. But should there be, they would be offered occupational therapists, physio therapists and so many other specialists if needed. It's a matter of pushing for it and actual need.

At 21 months old....I assume two is the baby's actual age so from the time they were born..? Our son who was born 17 weeks early, was holding crayons and felts...and knew a few words. However, every single premature baby is different. There is really no comparing them, it's like apples and oranges. And for sure you cannot compare them to full term babies. They each reach developmental milestones at different times, and if they suffered say brain bleeds or other health related issues in the NICU (and even some medicines they give them) they could have even more delays.

The good thing? Almost all preemies catch up! I don't know very many (like maybe two?) out of nearly a hundred preemie friends I talk too...who have kids who are grossly delayed (and only in one area, one in fine motor and the other gross).

I am also curious what mom and dad say?

 

[LovingAunt]

Thank you for responding!!

Sorry about the confusion, yes, 2 yrs is the actually age and he was 3 months early...

The parents don't really like discussing the issue. I think they are a little nervous to think that something could be wrong, but that said, it kind of keeps the rest of us in the dark. I spoke to the grandmother (my mother-in-law) who was extremely concerned. (I also watch him myself via skype and during monthly visits in person and it feels like there really is no new progress each time I see him.) The therapist they met with a few months ago said to work on motor skills (he wasn't walking at that time) and don't worry about verbal skills just yet. They are planning to see him every 6 months. Isn't there something that they should be doing in between those visits? (Perhaps starting to work on the verbal skills on her own???)

When I mentioned crayons, I meant in terms of just holding them, not necessarily using them. He isn't holding anything. I don't think he likes the feeling of things in his hand. i.e. He will sometimes pick up dry foods one at a time, but he won't hold a spoon at all without his mother holding it with him.

I do understand that a premature baby is on a totally different timeline (and I understand that all babies are different no matter how early or late they were born). I just have never known a child born this early so I am not sure if this is an "acceptable" growth timeline. (I have a 3 and a half month old son - born 1 week late- and he seems to have more of an attention span at this early age. Also, he is holding his rattle pretty securely, unlike my nephew). I am really just trying to learn more so perhaps I can suggest ideas that may help his growth (like a video or certain exercises...)

Thank you again for taking the time to respond!!!!!

 

[alparen]

theres a grwat set of vids and such called my baby can read they are amazing.

 

[Marleysgirl]

Andrew was almost 3m early (11wks prem) and is now 19m. He won't hold food, and likes to hold only certain other things - plastic toys yes, but not a ball, for example. He is most decidedly anti-teddies, completely uninterested in anything soft. And he's only making vocal noises, not babbling syllables.

As nkbapbt says, you really cannot compare prem babies, they seem to develop at such different rates and even do things in a different order - Andrew was crawling before he could sit!

 

[AP]

tbh (hormonal as imight be so sorry if this sounds harsh) but id be broken if my SIL was investigating my preemie like this? If the parents dont discuss it, id respect that x

 

[Foogirl]

Not hormonal at all SB. That thought is what is running through my mind too and I'm definitely not hormonal. I am irritated though.

Two things to learn -

1) do not, under any circumstances, compare your nephew to your 3mo baby - or any other baby you know of. As others have said preemies are totally different from full termers and from each other. You're suggesting your newborn is developing better than a 2 year old? Skype isn't really the best diagnostic tool......

2) Let the parents of the premature baby do the worrying about their own child.

We have issues with Abby's development, she's about to turn two and cannot walk. We knew there was potentially a problem from about a week after she was born. We kept our own eye on it and when it became clear to us and to her consultant that there was definitely a problem, we had the tests and she was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. We barely told a soul about it until we knew what the problem was and how it was likely to progress, even very close family. It was our business ours alone. If I thought for one minute any of those relatives were trawling the internet to try and find out if there was a problem, hinting that we hadn't really much of an idea ourselves, I'd be livid.

Let them raise their child and if there is a problem they will let you know when they feel the time is right. The Canadian health system whilst flawed (as every system is) is every bit as good as in the UK - and better in some areas. And is just as comprehensive as the private healthcare system in the US. They may not see a doctor every week and have myriad unimportant tests with pointless follow up consultant visits every other month, but they will get what they need.

 

[Agiboma]

Well i am also in canada my son also a premie was 14 weeks early and we currently got the referral for pt and ot my son is only 5 months adjusted, I think the parents need to PUSH the doctor to make the referral or get a secound opinion, i do beleive that all babies do things at their own time but seeing a developmental pediatrician cant hurt. The parents can also look into which resources are available in their area for premie babies in my region i got a few some of which i self REFERRED US TO, through these resources we have been able to tap into others.

 

[LovingAunt]

I believe some people are taking what I am writing the wrong way. I was not comparing my son to hers (as I know all babies are on different time lines, premature or not). I was simply stating that I am only familiar with what MY son does at three months. I was also trying to convey in my emails that I am just trying to learn about the subject for my own knowledge, and perhaps pass some information on to my mother-in-law, who brought her concerns to me. Just because the parents don't talk about it, doesn't mean I can't be there for them - For example, Alparen suggested a video, which I very much appreciate. With a suggestion like that, I would purchase those videos as a helpful gift for him rather than handing him a new outfit when I see him.

I don't think my sister-in-law is the type of person who would be upset that someone is interested in learning more about her son. I don't plan on bringing anything up to her unless she brings it up first. I for one would feel loved and cared for if someone were to take such an interest in my child. I am not budding into their life, I am quite simply educating myself on the topic and I thought this may be a good way to do it.

I am a little surprised to read that some people would not be happy that their family is taking an active interest and being supportive. To imply that this is almost being nosey and that learning about my nephew is none of my business is a little cold on your part.

 

[AP]

Preemie parenting is different. It is very easy for a preemie mum to be offended by someone who questions development-its a sore subject. I know it may seem difficult to understand, but we all talk from personal experience

When i discovered my MIL and family were questioning and discussing Alexs development recently, i was broken, outraged and livid. I felt like they were questioning our ability as parents. I didnt have much against my grandmother in law til she dared to question her development one day - i expected a better understanding. We can see full term 2 year olds all the time, we dont need someone else emphasizing our fears and worries.

Honestly my best advice would be to step back. Support would be accepting her LOs development pace as it is, accept that its normal for him and just 'his way', celebrate his achievements and milestones no matter how little, and dont ever compare or question his abilities. Get excited about the little things-when he manages the crayons, get excited as mom - i cant tell you how supportive that would be!

 

[Foogirl]

I believe some people are taking what I am writing the wrong way. I was not comparing my son to hers (as I know all babies are on different time lines, premature or not). I was simply stating that I am only familiar with what MY son does at three months. I was also trying to convey in my emails that I am just trying to learn about the subject for my own knowledge, and perhaps pass some information on to my mother-in-law, who brought her concerns to me. Just because the parents don't talk about it, doesn't mean I can't be there for them - For example, Alparen suggested a video, which I very much appreciate. With a suggestion like that, I would purchase those videos as a helpful gift for him rather than handing him a new outfit when I see him.

I don't think my sister-in-law is the type of person who would be upset that someone is interested in learning more about her son. I don't plan on bringing anything up to her unless she brings it up first. I for one would feel loved and cared for if someone were to take such an interest in my child. I am not budding into their life, I am quite simply educating myself on the topic and I thought this may be a good way to do it.

I am a little surprised to read that some people would not be happy that their family is taking an active interest and being supportive. To imply that this is almost being nosey and that learning about my nephew is none of my business is a little cold on your part.

Sure my family wanted to know more about prematurity and the risks with development. You know what they did? They asked me.

If you are so concerned and think there is such a big problem, ask them. Discuss it with them. Learn from them. They are the only ones who know the full picture. Dr Google isn't going to give you any insight into whether or not there is a problem. But also be very aware they may well know there is a problem and have no intention of telling you until they know for sure. It IS none of your business, until they decide differently. If you have no intention of discussing it with her, why go to the bother of doing "research?" What possible comfort or support could that give to your sister-in-law. Is it so you can say "yeah well, I thought there was a problem?"

As Sandi says, we all speak from experience and comparisons to full term babies (especially ones so much younger) are not only pointless, they are offensive. I'd be surprised if you find many preemie mums who don't feel this way.

It is a very complex issue and all we are saying is, it is very easy to offend, especially where you insist on claiming there is nothing to be offended by.

You might find this thread useful. https://www.babyandbump.com/prematu...not-say-premmie-mummy-share-your-stories.html

 

[25weeker]

I think if you want to find out about prematurity so you have a better understanding when speaking to your SIL then that is ok. I have a friend who suffering from a condition that is giving her issues to conceive and I have googled it so I can understand better and be there for her. I never start a discussion on it but when she initiates the conversation I tell her what I have read if any of it's beneficial.

Although they aren't quite the same thing but I think you should probably follow the same logic and not initiate the topic as it appears your SIL isnt ready to discuss the possibility of her lo being delayed but when she is ready you may be able to make some suggestions. I would suspect if he isn't holding anything they are concerned but just not ready to share their fears with anyone yet.

Skype is difficult to judge it on as we use it for my mum & sister and Holly gets bored sitting on my knee looking at a screen after 1 min!

 

[LovingAunt]

As I said, sb22, I would never bring it up to them because it is such a sensitive subject. It doesn't feel good to anyone to have family, friends or strangers questioning their child's development or implying there is something extra wrong, which is - again - why I am looking for other peoples input on the subject rather than pushing her on it. I am not diagnosing anyone and I am certainly not questioning their ability as parents. I AM JUST TRYING TO LEARN. My sister-in-law has discussed her son with me before but didn't have all of the answers. On a side note, just because I am questioning his growth does not mean I am not thrilled when he accomplishes something new, as big or small as it may be. I am very sorry you had a bad experience with your family doing what sounds to be 'butting in' (I understand how that would be frustrating), but if you re-read my goal here, that is not what I am doing.

Again, Foogirl, I am gathering information on the subject for either when she is ready to have a one-on-one conversation, as well as to find out what toys/books/materials I may purchase for him as gifts when I visit. It is NOT so I can say "Yeah well, I thought there was a problem". I am trying to understand if there is something to worry about or not and who would be the best people to ask (other than my sister-in-law who is not sure what to think...) than a group of people going through the same experience. I thought as a mother you would be happy to share and make others feel at ease and possibly help others and teach them, but that is apparently not your style. And for you to say, and then repeat again, that I am comparing him to any other baby is ridiculous and incorrect.

Clearly 25weeker understands what I am trying to do and that it is coming from a good place. Quite frankly, Foogirl, if you are so offended by my quest for knowledge, please feel free not to read or comment on my posts. I plan to stop wasting any more time responding to your mean accusations.

 

[AP]

I dunno what u expect, but this is a forum, you're gonna get opinions, especially strong ones from those who've gone through such an experience. And tbh all we're saying is tread very carefully. The mom in question may appreciate it, but she may also see it as interfering.

Thing is, we all here have experienced many people who try to 'understand' and if you've never experienced it, you never will truely understand.

I have a 3 and a half month old son - born 1 week late- and he seems to have more of an attention span at this early age. Also, he is holding his rattle pretty securely, unlike my nephew

That IS comparing, and a ridiculous comparison at that!!!

im sorry if you dont like that , but you're wrong for waltzing in this section,and telling people on here they are wrong to express an opinion, when they know a damn sight more than u ever will learn from Google.

Or Skype for that matter...

 

[you&me]

I think for the first time in a long while...I am actually lost for words

The development of your SIL's child, is none of your business, nor is it any of your MIL's in all honesty...if I ever found out family members of mine had been discussing behind my back my child then I would blow a fuse, and it would cause major upset, it is situations like this that cause families to break...in my opinion.

I can understand to some extent that you want to help...but hold onto that help until the mother asks you for it...if and when she does...carry on buying the child outfits instead of developmental toys...why treat him any differently?..I am sure if the parents are aware of issues then they will be looking at getting him aids to help him.

As a preemie mum to hear in the same sentance...this premature child can't do this and that, but my term baby so many months younger can do this, or can do that...is something that will make a preemie mum distraught to hear...you are comparing children, no 2 children, preemie or term are the same, no 2 develop the same...

..I am a mum to a preemie and a termie...and heck...even I don't compare my children and their milestones.

Maybe take a back seat, wait and see if the mum approaches you...and in the meantime concentrate on your own child...and let her do the same by concentrating on her own....and tell the MIL to do the same before it comes to light and causes arguements.

 

[nkbapbt]

While I do understand your want to help...even though honestly? Developmental toys (especially things like DVD's) won't help in the long run. You could have every fancy schmancy developmental toy on the market, if you are not getting the right therapy for your child...it won't do any (or hardly any good). TV is questionable for any child under two (look it up, there is massive amount of research on this..) and even more so for a preemie who is already at risk for ADHA, ADD and other things TV has known to cause. Just saying...

About the rest, I would also be pretty flipping mad if I found my SIL on here or anywhere talking about our son behind my back. Even more so when she admitted to having NO intention of speaking to me. I know my son best, why would she not speak to me about him? Sorry but this behavior can only be seen as harmful. Think about it as if it was YOUR child. Let's just say your family member was off "researching" your child's potential problems (better still, problems they have only seen a handful of times, on Skype and have not really spoken to you about!) and yet not even bothering to ask you about them...

Now throw in the traumatic birth, the fact your baby left you three months too soon, the endless NICU visits, the endless amount of medical treatments your child endured and the simple fact you don't give a rats ass if your child is developmentally behind...your child is ALIVE. Your SIL likely DOES know there is a problem, if you think she doesn't..you ARE questioning her parenting. Sorry but preemie moms know their kids inside and out, and almost always the first to know there is an issue.

But the thing is? She and her husband probably either a. don't want you and the rest of your family judging nor treating this child differently (which you are judging him..) b. it's really not your concern in the end (unless the child is being hurt or neglected) and c. they are likely so happy their child is here period, that a few development delays? Don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. They likely know, what all preemie parents know...they will get there when they are ready!

I get this is very tough for you and your other worried family to understand (my own mom struggles with this) but unless you are a preemie parent...there just are thing you will never understand. Despite how much research you do, despite even speaking to the parents for hours on end...it's just beyond your control and grasp. And that's ok. What preemie parents need most is support, non-judgmental support. If they want to tell you something they will. You are not expected to have the answers, that's what their doctors and therapists are for.

You are expected to hold their hands if they get bad news, celebrate when they get good news, support them even when you do not understand...

I know most preemie parents would give anything to have unconditional support from a person/party who isn't comparing their child...nor judging them.

I know you are only able to pull comparisons from your own child, we all do this...when trying to figure things out. Its perfectly natural and though it is hurtful in this arena...I get it. But again like it's been stated, it's not fair to your nephew or his parents...at all. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Trust me your SIL is doing this enough herself...she doesn't need outside help with this.

This is a heated debate because of our personal experiences, you must understand preemie parenting is not easy. Though you likely feel attacked, you must understand we come from a very deep and sometimes very hurtful place. Emotions run high on topics like this. While we may seem like we are all pouncing on you...we are trying to HELP, not hurt.

 

[LovingAunt]

First, I apologize if I offended some of you, the line that I used about my son was not written to compare, I was merely stating that is all I know. If I used the wrongs words to convey that, or if someone took what I said differently than intended, it was purely unintentional.

Next, I am far from judging. Once again, with feeling... I AM TRYING TO LEARN. How can I judge what I don't understand (That is not my style). I know that forums are a place for opinions, however I was not expecting to be attacked for just asking questions. There is a nice, decent way of saying "mind your own business" without actually saying it word for word like that. I understand that there are certain things that can only be understood when experienced and I am not trying to put myself in any ones shoes. Actually, that is what some of YOU are clearly doing. You are going through something and not even considering that the rest of your family may be going through something as well. And just to stop you in your tracks, NO, I am not comparing what you are going through to what your family is going through.... But clearly YOU are not able to put YOURSELF in OUR shoes. I'm not saying that you have to give out info that you don't want to, but perhaps cut people some slack for caring and wanting to learn. To want to be supportive, but know that saying something is off limits is not an easy thing... and FYI, I would be touched to find out that someone cares enough about me to take an active interest in my life. It's not like I am forcing my opinions on her. I am learning for myself. If a loved one was diagnosed with a disease, you wouldn't try to find out as much as you can about it in order to put your mind at ease? (I know, I know, now you can write all about how I am comparing premature children to having a disease... Go ahead and take that the wrong way too...)

If you could have simply answered my question by saying something along the lines of "there is not necessarily a need to worry just yet, some children are late bloomers, even at age 2", that would have been great and even helpful. To be honest, nkbapbt saying " Developmental toys (especially things like DVD's) won't help in the long run" is the most I have learned from all of the responses from you "experts". (That was truly appreciated.)

And, by the way, I believe in knowledge above ignorance meaning I would purchase a non-premature baby a learning toy as well, so that was a strange thing for someone to say...


On another note, I am not sure what kind of family dynamic you guys grew up with, but in our family (both my husband's and mine), we are a very close, supportive and loving. Taking an interest in each others lives, during both the ups and downs, is something that has always been welcome. I am being described as someone sneaking around making trouble and that I am going behind her back to do evil. Clearly some of you have issues... I also find it strange to hear some of you don't feel like it is even her mother's business (as I said, she actually talks to her mother about this).

On that note, don't bother responding --- You have not been helpful at all. I will find another forum more welcoming to families. (To keep saying that I have claimed to diagnose my nephew over skype is only more proof that some of you are just not paying attention to what I am writing anyway. I will ask people that know what they are talking about.)

Thank you to those of you who were kind enough to help, and good luck living your life to those of you who feel this post was some sort of conspiracy against my sister-in-law.

 

[nkbapbt]

Yikes. I am not really sure what to say...

I do think it's great you want to help..don't get me wrong. I was simply saying there was a better way to do it. Like actually talking to your SIL.

Instead of just leaving..let's try to figure out some things for you to do, I am sure I can offer suggestions even if I do not overly agree with your methods...=)

 

[nkbapbt]

About him not wanting to hold things, this sounds like a sensory issue..which is very common with preemies. It tends to come from their nervous systems being immature and when it's drown with negative stimulation (blood tests, IV's..and such) it can basically scramble (simplest way to explain)..the same thing happens in their brains. Not always clearly! But sometimes.

A great exercise for sensory issues, is actually allowing the child to play with as many sensory things as possible. Sand and water tables are AWESOME, sensory tubs (not sure if your nephew is still putting things in his mouth...but anything like feathers, different types of fabric (think leather, fun fur..soft stuff..rough..) sand paper, balls (all shapes, textures, sizes and such. Ones filled with water and sparkles are a hit here at my house), bubbles, beans/large pasta/buckwheat for pouring, running his hands through, digging is great, wooden spoons, cups, whatever! My son LOVES his sensory tubs and has no sensory issues. Seriously, a trip to your local dollar store and thinking outside the box is amazing.

I recently bought $25 bucks worth of seemingly "junk" that our son loves..Mardi Gras beads were a huge hit.

Verbal skills - I stand by word/picture books that only have one picture with the word per page until the child is older (3-5 years) and has a basic understanding of the words. I find other books too busy and very hard to convey what is what. Sure pointing helps, but if your child is looking at the apple, while you are saying "bear" and pointing to bear...they still may mistake the apple for the bear verbally.

Before when I said developmental toys are not very helpful..it was more than a lot do the wrong things for preemies (and any kids honestly..). Toys like building blocks, wooden toys, toys that do more than one thing (think electronic toys..they are great out of the box, they keep kids busy..but they can only be played with the way they are made) are best in my humble opinion.

You said you were going to leave..so I won't keep going just in case. I am on bed rest..and my time to type online without my son climbing on me to see what's going on..is short. But if you have more questions and stay...I will help, long as you know I am doing so in the hopes you will be upfront with your SIL. Im not saying confront her! I am just saying....say something gentle like "I hope this does not offend nor hurt you, but I noticed "nephew's name" doesn't have a sensory tub...I thought I would make one for him...plus I read its great for KIDS (leave the preemie part out of it to be even kinder) is they don't like certain textures/what have you (don't say sensory issues unless she presses you...you never know it could open up the door for her to ask what else you know)"

I wouldn't be offended by that. Maybe others would. But I also come from a family like yours...and get it. I just have special "rules" for our son and his prematurity. Certain things are off the table.