Awkward baby name problem

[Kinoley]

I have 4 weeks to d-day and OH and I have reached a stand off on the baby's name. I've been making suggestions for months but we got no where.
But a couple of weeks ago OH said he decided he wanted to give the baby the middle after his father who is passed away. It sounds reasonable enough except that his father was a very aggressive and destructive man with a life long drinking problem. He made MIL's life hell and did everything he could to belittle his children as they grew up. In the end he died a sad lonely old man with a lot of regrets. My OH was the only family member who visited or had any time for him. The problem I have is that I don't think it's appropriate to name our baby after someone who was such a negative influence in the family. I also don't think it's fair to MIL and the others to reward FIL with a name sake after the way he treated them. I told OH that I didn't like the idea but didn't want to be insulting about it. He said its what he wants so were not discussing names now. Am I being unreasonable? How can I get OH to see my Point without hurting his feelings?

 

[AlesiaNicole]

That is sort of awkward. It sounds like your OH has forgiven his father or overlooked his past behavior for whatever reason. At least he is only asking for his name to be used as a middle name, so it's not a name you'll be using daily. Maybe talk to him about why he feels so strongly about using it despite the way his father treated his family? It might help to understand his feelings about his father.

 

[Mummy May]

He says its what he wants so you're not discussing it anymore?! Is he for real, this made me a bit angry tbh! He needs to realise that this is not just his baby, it belongs to both of you and if one of you isn't happy, regardless of what the name is, then it shouldn't stand. He shouldn't speak to you like that as if its not negotiable. I would try again to speak to him, you can't have a name that you aren't happy with - maybe a compromise would work with a shortened version or something. xx

 

[Kinoley]

Thanks, in gonna focus on the point that he has forgiven him and is trying to do something good. I'm still not happy about it but at least now we can talk about it and I can see where he's coming from. Its more important to him to do if than it is for me to not do it so maybe there is a solution to the deadlock. X

 

[Tami]

Could you use a similar name instead of the actual name? That way to him it would be in memory of, but to others it would just be a similar name?
To be honest I agree with above, this is something that needs to be discussed as it could be potentially awkward in the future, and I think you're right to consider how your MIL will feel.

When baby is old enough to ask questions and wants to know why his name is what it is, what would you tell him about who his namesake is?

I have mixed feelings here, because on the one hand it obviously means something to your OH, but on the other hand I can see the tension it could cause! Eek!

Also, don't let him tell you you're not discussing it, this baby is yours too and you should be just as involved in the naming. Maybe you could say you'll use that as a middle name if you can pick the first name? Cheeky! xxx

 

[Amygdala]

How will his mother feel about this? Sounds like it would be a slap in the face for her, like her son is condoning the abuse she experienced? What would his siblings say. I'd never name a child after someone I wouldn't consider a role model for them. But of course it's up to you and your husband. I'd definitely say talk to him again about these issues rather than compromising just for the sake of avoiding an argument. Your child will live with this name forever and me struggle coming to terms with stories he might be told about his name sake later on.

 

[brunette&bubs]

There's gotta be compromise somewhere.

Is it possible to speak with MIL about it to see how she really feels.
Maybe that'll help sway his decision.

Sorry youre in this situation

 

[Annie77]

Your DH sounds like he had a hard life with this man but yet he is still willing to honour him with giving your child his name as a middle name. I don't think that is selfish - I think it is beautiful that he can find forgiveness in his heart to do this. And if he can, then maybe others can with time. As for his mother, if your baby was a girl then maybe he would have chosen her name?

Anyway, if your MIL has a problem with using that name she needs to discuss it directly with your husband.

My grandfather was an alcoholic and wife beater yet my father learnt to forgive him - if anything he stayed angrier with his mother for longer - for not removing them from the situation when they were younger. He feels his father was mentally ill with alcohol addiction but not his mum. It's so sad.

 

[NaturalMomma]

He is your DH's father. Despite that he was a not a good man, he is still his father, and likely has forgiven him, especially now that he has passed. I would personally let my DH name our child after him. A son's love for his father can overlook his wrong doings. And he's asking for the middle name, not the first name, I think it's a good compromise.

 

[sunnylove]

That's tough, but I can somewhat relate. I love my FIL personally and I really think he's a great man. But honestly, when my DH was younger he was a pretty bad dad IMO. He left DH's mom and basically left their family in pieces (you know how divorces go). But not only that, his father was very much on the legal side of things and ALWAYS had my DH in court (as an 11-year old!!!) over custody, which parent to pick, etc etc. It was a very bad time in my DH's life and he developed depression, learning disabilities and even some OCD over the whole event, and I do blame his dad. (Not even going to mention his dad's new wife who never let DH live down that he was a "mama's boy" because he chose to live with his mom. Anyway.)

We both plan on naming our first son after my dad (for a middle name) but I probably wouldn't want to use FIL's name in the future just based on what he put my DH through as a child. My DH would respect that, I think. So I totally know where you're coming from and honestly, I don't think you should name your child after that man. And tell your DH everything you've told us and I hope he understands!!!

 

[bekkie]

Me and my dad didn't have a great relationship either... I don't want to go in to details but he was abusive, physically and mentally... both to my mother, and to me, and he died when I was 15. When my son was born... his middle names were my dad, and my step-dad... (he's the 5th Robert which is OH's name/dad's name/etc) some people might think that's weird - but my son never got to meet him, and there were still times he was as good of a dad as he could be... And I guess over time you look back with rose coloured glasses. In the end, if it wasn't for him... I wouldn't be here.

That's a hard place to be put in... and I'm sorry that you're going through that - if it is something you think would be really hard for the rest of the family, could you use his dad's middle name as your sons middle name?

 

[chulie]

Ya i think there are so many way to look at this.....first...ya I'd tell your hubby to grow up a little..."not discussing it" because he's not getting what he wants? Please!!!!

That being said...as someone pointed out...people do look back on their loved one with rose coloured glasses. My uncle was a drunk and total a-hole his whole life....he died a very bitter, angry man...but people talk about today like he was some hero!!!!!

If you talk to your hubby and find out WHY he's so hell bent on this...could you not look at like...breaking the chains of the past???? that name clearly has a negative connotation for the family so.....this is a chance to turn the page on that memory and make it something positive??????? At the end of the day....truth is...this isn't about your MIL or the rest of the family...this is just between you and DH and whatever YOU TWO decide...the rest of the family is going to have to accept......but if you look at it in a positive way...it COULD be a good thing for the whole family!!!! Closure on such a negative name...because once they see your gorgeous son they are going to forget ALL about the "man" he was named after and from here on out...they will only think of your gorgeous son when they hear that name!

 

[Equreuil]

Have you thought about suggesting a variation of the name? Something similar enough to satisfy him but different enough to hopefully not bring up bad memories for others?

Though it seems he's pretty dead set on it, he may be willing to compromise if he can understand how the name might upset the rest of his family... and you for that matter.

In the long run, the baby's name is no one else's business but you and your hubby... but if the two of you can't agree, that could be a problem that needs addressed..

 

[J2011]

im totally on your husbands sde here.. my father died when i was 22 weeks pregnant at the age of 45. He was an ex heroin addict and then traded that addiction to drink. he treated the family pretty bad but i loved him still and miss him every day. my son will be havin his middle name and it would be devestating for me if anybody told me that he shouldn't.

and don'tjust be against it because of what MIL would think, its not her baby, its totally about you and your husband.

its a middle name so its not like they will have to use it every day
xxx

 

[babyhopes2010]

He is still his father despite everything. honestly if i were u id let it go. let him have that middle name and be done withit. u dont need to telll people his middle name x

 

[xdxxtx]

No, I agree with you. My mother keeps asking us to name one of our kids after my father, but he was abusive - physically and mentally - to me as a child, so there's no way in HECK I'd name my child after someone like that. When you name someone after somebody, you're hoping that they turn out to be like them, in my eyes... and I DON'T want my kids to be anything like my father.

 

[mandaxx]

None of my children have middle names or are named after people, simply because I don't like the tradition. They are people in their own right, new people, who don't need to be labelled with throw backs from the past. I think you're right not to want this. He wasnt your father, and he wasnt even a very good one. My husband and I have agreed on our names but I wanted a specific spelling for the girl name. He tried to argue until I mentioned that this may be OUR baby, but it's growing inside me, comes out of me, and I do most of the work so I get the final say. You should use the same logic Hun xx