Baby at home and the mixed emotions

[inperfected]

J is 10+2 weeks old now, and his due date is next wednesday. We brought him home 9 days ago and it's been a busy time though it started very settled.

He had been sleeping 2.5 hours and waking for an hour, and had even pretty much stopped bottle topups. I have an extreme supply (only pumping 1L a day now, not 1.7L...) so it's not like he has to work hard. He's now having 3 hours awake from start of one feed to going back to sleep... He'll feed and go back to sleep (20mins now!) then I'll pump as I have to still, and then he'll wake, or be half awake the whole time and then demand more food, or just grizzle, and so I have to give a bottle since I've just pumped, then he'll finally go to sleep for about 2 hours, and then we start it all again. I hate the feeding routine as I have to give gaviscon, use nipple sheilds to feed him, bottle topup and then pump and then steralise. I find the nipple sheilds so hard because he pulls them off soaking us both a few times each feed so I can't just relax and do it anywhere, and having to have gavison means I can't just pick him up and feed him when he needs it, I have to prepare that first.

And add to all this the battle with bonding with him. I thought I had, and I guess I have a little, but I just get angry with him and upset. I don't really want to pick him up or cuddle him, I just want to put him back to bed so I can have the slightest bit of a life, or more to the point, so I can tidy the floor, do the dishes, do the washing and most importantly actually feed myself. We live in a caravan so keeping the floor and dishes done are important so we can live, and I guess living in the caravan means he's right there all the time. I don't think I'm depressed, but struggling like nothing else and kinda regretting the decision to have a baby. It feels unfair that term mums get this for a few weeks and it's over, yet I've had 2+ months of feeling like a new mum now, and still feel helpless and that. I don't think I'm depressed, but I guess I could be. It doesn't feel as bad as when I've had (depression) it in the past, but I just feel so useless and angry at me and him.

I don't really know what I"m looking for, just others who understand I guess.

 

[Agiboma]

congrats on bringing your brave LO home. I have been their with the nipple shield, pumping, sterilizing etc. Its hard tbh im still pumping and my LO is 15 months actual. I really think you need to talk to your doctor it sounds like your depressed to me. I was really depressed and was in counselling for a few months when LO was in the NICU. btw my little one also had reflux so he wass on dom peridome and zantac. NICU is very difficult and bringing baby home also has its own challenges. Please talk to your doctor so they can provide you with some assistance, dont go through this alone

 

[25weeker]

breastfeeding at the beginning is so difficult but it does get easier.

When I got my lo I had to use a nipple shield. At about 6 weeks corrected I weaned her off it which took about a month. Once home I only pumped once a day so my oh could give her a bottle in the evening when she cluster fed.

When you get your lo home it is a massive adjustment and I think it's only then you start analysing the whole neonatal journey so it's very overwhelming. You will bond with your lo over time.

Good luck and we are all here if you need anything.

Xx

 

[kimbotrav]

hi i hope ure ok it does sound like u have postnatal depression to me i would go and talk to ure gp it is all really hard and i admire u for the breast feeding i found it hard enough expressing for 11 days maybe the more time u have together the more of a bond ull make big hugs ure way xxxxxx

 

[toothfairyx]

Prem babies are hugely stressful especially when you are breast-feeding them, so I think tons of us here know how you are feeling. Speak to your GP about it - you may not have PND but just be overloaded with stress. I had a kind of post-traumatic shock thing going on.

I felt like you that I had no life other than being a milking machine. The pressure to breast feed is quite something these days. But for me breast feeding took forever compared to a bottle and he was so much more difficult to wind after a breast feed than on a bottle. With hindsight I would have put more time into expressing than I did to try to get a better supply going and then just bottle fed him ebm. Would have made life much easier on everyone and taken the weight off my shoulders somewhat. Sounds like you have a great supply so well done. Keep going it does get easier xx

 

[confused87com]

i was fine when my bubs was in nicu, it was coming home that became so daunting, i felt like i didnt want him, i wanted me 'old life' back. My little boy had loads of feeding and reflux issues, having to combi feed initially aswell. it just drained me, i know how u feel. i spoke to my hv who sent me to the doc. I'd advise you speak to someone because i didnt at ur point and i just got worse, i think it was post traumatic stress, which lets face it is quite understandable in our circumstances!

 

[AP]

you are doing everything so well. i have to say the whole reflux thing made me a sad mum sometimes, i really just wanted everything to be better but the constatnt throwing up devestated me. you're breastfeeding too, that in itself is hard work, and i gave up pumping with my preemie as the whole situation became overwhelming for me. i regretted it for a bit but she personally thrived better in the end.

i will say that i have discovered determination pays off and breastfeeding is now so much easier, its just those first weeks of establishing everything. you'll be on a roll soon, everything will settle down.

i do say speak to a hv or doc though. confused87com has a very good point.

 

[vermeil]

inperfected I totally understand - it`s very,very hard! I also struggled for weeks with pumping, nipple shields, sterilizing those dang pump accessories and bottles a gazillion times a day, etc etc. It`s also perfectly normal not to bond right away with preemies - their nicu stay in itself is exhausting on the parents, often we go into survival mode practically, so when baby comes home we start tired, physically and emotionally. I can honestly say it took a good 6 months before I fully bonded with my son - and it`s ok! Now he`s my sun and stars, I can`t imagine a day without him. But those first few weeks... I had such little sleep I was hallucinating sometimes, would get impatient and angry, resentful of this demanding little thing that had already made me go through hell for 4 months in the nicu.

It does get easier! Soon he'll be crawling about and you'll wonder where that bawling demanding little creature went Do you have friends or family that can come give you a hand, let you get a bit of sleep?

 

[GeorgesMummy]

Hi,

Really glad to read this thread. I am struggling at the moment and sometimes feel like I haven't bonded as I should with my LO. Everyone keeps telling me to 'enjoy' him now I have him home but in fact I feel too anxious about him to relax. It's hard also having a prem who came suddenly as it's like someone's flicked a switch, one minute I was working and within 48 hours I had a baby in a NNU in an incubator. At the time I coped and sure I was on auto pilot and I think it's only now that it's hitting home how awful the first few weeks have been. It's reassuring to hear that it will get easier though.