Baby showers...?

[BebVern]

I can't be the only person out there that hates them, right?

(Warning: this is going to be a bit of a rant.)

The whole idea of them just doesn't sit well with me. It all seems like a party of self-gratification; expectant mothers have attention and gifts lavished upon them, play games that are 'forced fun' and invitees are welcome on an invite-only basis. If you don't want to attend, do you hate children? Don't you see your friend's pregnancy as special?

I get the whole, 'But I just wanted to share my joy with my friends/family/colleagues' thing. Really, I do. But why does anyone need a party and gifts to do that? People coming to the shower feel obliged to bring a gift. Their gift has to be stand-out from the rest and memorable, as it will no doubt be opened in front of EVERYONE and compared to the other gifts...

Surely it's just better to give people a choice? Those that want to (or can afford to) will buy the new baby something once it's born. Even better - they will play an active part in the baby's life as it grows. Those, IMO, are the people worth sharing your joy with...not whoever buys you a Mamas And Papas changing bag for the baby shower.


Obviously, I'm only speaking from experience. I have only been to one baby shower and it was painful. There were about 20 of us there. We were split into groups to play ROUNDS of several games (!!) before being scored and having our gifts opened in RANK ORDER...I realise this probably isn't the norm, so pleasant stories are welcomed. However, it was enough to convince me that I will nit be having a baby shower for my growing blob.

How many of you are planning baby showers? And if you aren't, then what made you choose not to?

 

[sojourn]

Wow. I have not been to a lot of baby showers...but the one you went to has to win the "worst ever fake party in the history of everything".

I am having one. I don't love all showers. I had a bridal shower because my BFF and her mom are CRAZY traditional (like, made me a hope chest with hand monogrammed sheets kind of traditional...) and insisted that I have one. However, my mom lives far away and she wasn't able to participate in most of my pre-wedding stuff (planning, shower, etc.) and was disappointed. She really likes baby showers and she really wanted to get to participate in the baby excitement. So...once again, I am having a shower because of my extremely matriarchal social/family situation. It wasn't worth hurting the feelings of the people that really wanted it.

I expect my baby shower to go like my wedding shower. We kind of just milled around and ate some delicious food, drank champagne and chatted. I can definitely see how they are a weird tradition.


ETA: The only people invited to both showers will be extremely close friends and family. Generally, the kind of people who expect you to have a shower and will have feelings hurt if they weren't invited.

For friends we are having a "sip and see" (do people have those/call them that outside of the US south?) in my hometown and my husband's hometown (about 5 hours away from each other). Basically they are just an open house where people show up, eat snacks, drink booze and check out the baby. It's much more low-key and does not generally include gifts (some people bring them, but usually they're left under a table or something and they are NOT opened in front of guests). Plus I have pretty much 1 female friend, and my best dude friends wouldn't be interested in a shower, but enjoying a cocktail and checking out my kid? That's easier to digest.

 

[2have4kids]

Nope, I'm not a fan at all. I've been invited to two baby showers and the second one I've still never even met my gf's babies (well they're 4 year old twins now). It was a greedy gift grab if I've ever seen one myself.

I will do a meet & greet with an explicit 'no gifts thank you' on the invitation. I like to think I can do better by my friends than the little hussies' that held their 'grab' parties. I don't think we're the only ones that feel this way, my colleague at work mentioned she always declines baby showers and would never have a gift party for herself (through friend/family host). She's 10 years younger than myself so I'm glad the real baby shower intent is more commonly acknowledged. To me, the right thing to do is invite friends/family to meet the new baby, it's poor etiquette to expect gifts from everybody.

 

[HBGirl]

I think it is poor etiquette to throw one for yourself. That is basically saying "give me gifts". But I feel it is fine if someone throws for you. My mother is hosting mine and it is going to be quite a spread if I know her. A pink and white theme has already been discussed with sweet tables, popcorn and snack platters. No games will be played and it is just a really nice garden tea for all the ladies.

 

[Popples1]

They're not as common in the UK but I'm not keen on the whole concept. I'm not having one because I don't want people to feel like they have to buy me things. A few of my best friends and went to the spa for some pampering instead. That said, I'm going to one today and don't begrudge attending them, it's just not something I'd want myself.

 

[pinklizzy]

I had a baby shower with my daughter (my friend held it at her house) and organised one for my sister when she was pregnant with her first but there weren't any games involved or anything-we just had lots of yummy food and sat around gossiping! People did bring gifts which was lovely, we had a wicker basket and everyone put a small item in-small rattle, a hat, toiletries etc.
It was just a lovely chance to see a lot of my friends before baby came and as I'd been on maternity leave for a bit beforehand it was great to catch up with them. I went into labour the night of my shower

 

[x__amour]

For me, baby showers are a time for loved ones to get together to celebrate a new life. I had a baby shower but I never registered for anything and didn't ask for presents. I did receive gift cards ranging from Starbucks (for the sleepless nights) to Walmart which helped so much but no one outshone the other. I had combined it with my birthday party as DD and I are 3 weeks apart and everyone had a blast. I wish I could do something similar with my 2nd but I have no friends here.

I have been to more other baby showers and I loved them. I thought the games were fun, no present "outshone" the other and everyone just was having fun.

 

[BebVern]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Sounds like the one I went to was like something out of the Third Reich. The girl in question has an extremely controlling mother, and I suspect that she had a huge part in the party (it was at her house).

It would seem baby showers are more common in the US. I'm in the UK and out of the 6 or 7 of my friends, only one had a shower. We don't have 'bridal showers' over here either; most people have a gift list for the wedding and leave it at that (we didn't even have one of those).

I guess I just don't like the whole 'gifts' thing. 'I had unprotected sex and now I'm carrying an infant, I deserve to be bought things'. Urgh.

Thanks for making me see that not everyone does it for the gifts though, haha. That's all I've seen, and hated it.
I guess it's very much down to circumstances too...if you're LTTTC or have been through fertility treatment, showers don't seem so self-indulgent, and there's more of a cause for celebration after years of having a rough time.
I can also understand sharing it with family that may otherwise not have a chance to be very involved.

Still won't be having one though!

 

[sojourn]

Haha that definitely sounds like a helicopter parent about to become the most overbearing grandparent in the world!

Trust me, if my moms lived close by and could go on weekend shopping outings with me, then I would love to skip the shower. In general, awkward female only parties freak me out (basically all of my friends are dudes. 2/3 of my bridal party weren't invited to my wedding shower because they have penises). Unfortunately, all of my family are grown-up and traditional ladies. In the South, there is a damn party for EVERYTHING. There's engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers, sip-and-sees, christening parties...it goes on and on and on. You can count on a party being organized for any thing you could imagine. Plus I am the only girl. Traditionally, the bride/mom's families do all of those things. Maybe if I had some sisters to spread this shit out with I could do less.

I choose my battles and let the sweet, old school ladies that I love take their pleasure in celebrating things sometimes. I did not have a crazy sweet 16, no engagement parties...there won't be any baptisms, christenings or first communions for our heathen spawn so this is really their last chance to shed a happy tear at me in a nice dress performing some awkward womanly rite of passage.

I'm sad that this is the first one I can't make more pleasurable with the help of sangria...

 

[Buttercup84]

I didn't want one with DD and made this clear to friends, though I know a few people that had them. From what i've heard though its common in the US to only have one just for your first baby rather than any subsequent ones

 

[Starry Night]

I love showers! But everyone I know has them and it's the same people going to them and everyone is so generous. I have bought so many gifts that when it was my turn I would have been hurt if no one bought me anything. It's just what we do here. Usually someone else throws it for you. It's meant to be a time to show love to a new mom....not a cynical loot grab. I think showers help spread the cost load among the whole community. It's easier to buy one or two items at a time for someone else, but when it's your turn you get so much at once that it really lessens the financial costs.

And yeah, it's just for your first baby so it's not like you're begging people to get you stuff for all of your children. And it's just baby stuff so you're still on the hook to provide for your child as they grow.

I do hate shower games...especially the ones designed to humiliate people. I HATE the clothes' pin game where if you cross your legs or say "baby" someone can come steal yours and the person with the most pins wins. Not that bad in of itself, but people point and laugh and totally mock you if you are caught. I usually elbow the person next to me and just offer them my pin. The door prizes usually aren't worth the effort. LOL I prefer games like Baby Bingo or some sort of silly trivia game.

 

[bluejen]

It's not really expected in uk as others have said, not a tradition for us. We have a 'Wetting the baby's head' where basically Dad goes out and gets pissed with his mates once the baby is born

 

[2have4kids]

It's not really expected in uk as others have said, not a tradition for us. We have a 'Wetting the baby's head' where basically Dad goes out and gets pissed with his mates once the baby is born

I hope that one stays in Britain!!

 

[Starry Night]

My dh doesn't drink so he'd probably go out and get chicken wings. lol

What I do find strange are the showers where the men are invited. That always strikes me as awkward as showers revolve around women and girly things. Also, you can't make funny and gross jokes about labour around them. Most guys I know get squeamish the moment you say 'placenta'. My dh is not like that at all, thank goodness, but still.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

Interesting! I also have issues with baby showers, but coming from a completely different perspective...

I did not plan mine... it was my mother's doing, and she basically called all the shots. I kind of felt like a guest at what was supposed to be my own party... it was all just her friends anyway. Luckily, it was just hors d'oeuvres, lunch, and presents... no games!

But it seemed to have very little to do with me and DH, honestly, and more to do with my mom's friends quenching their thirst to buy pink things. You have never seen more pink frilly baby clothes in your life.

That was probably the most frustrating part... almost no one bought anything off of our registry. That's fine... I don't EXPECT anyone to buy me anything. But if you're going to buy a baby gift... can it be something we will use?

And don't get me wrong, we're thrilled that we don't have to buy a stitch of baby clothes for at least six months. It's just going to be funny explaining this to our daughter when she's looking back at pictures...

"Hey, mom and dad, how come I wore pink frilly stuff exclusively for six months, and then all of a sudden I'm dressed in overalls and t-shirts?"

But yeah. It's a really weird tradition with the potential to be helpful to first-time parents that often ends up being a weird frilly gift competition.

 

[2have4kids]

My dh doesn't drink so he'd probably go out and get chicken wings. lol

What I do find strange are the showers where the men are invited. That always strikes me as awkward as showers revolve around women and girly things. Also, you can't make funny and gross jokes about labour around them. Most guys I know get squeamish the moment you say 'placenta'. My dh is not like that at all, thank goodness, but still.

My gf had a meet n greet rather than a shower where friends & family were invited. I liked seeing the men there sharing their stories about getting barfed on etc. I really hate seeing them do things like go out & get drunk. Men need to start getting involved in meaningful ways rather than resorting to teenage behaviour when we're moving into 'family life' middle age. Going out getting drunk encourages all the wrong things. Women need men to step and sharing these events, having them feel included and chat with other dad's is a better way to initiate adult life (IMHO).

 

[Jes.shortcake]

I'm not really into girly crap like showers. My SIL wanted to throw mine which I didn't mind bc she gave my sister one and it wasn't cheesy at all. I hate the stupid games and frilly crap. So mine was just a co-ed party with really close friends and family. Instead of traditional games we did a raffle and a 'guess how many baby safety pins in the jar'. It was a $5 for 3 guesses and $1 per raffle ticket and the money went to us and the winners got gift cards. Everyone loved it and were relieved we weren't tasting baby food and guessing how big my belly was lol. And of course we had great food.

 

[BebVern]

One of the games we played was where 6 different chocolate bars had been mashed up and put inside nappies, and we had to guess which bar was which. What was meant to be funny just came off as a bit...weird. Several girls at the party couldn't even look as it made them queasy. Luckily for me I'm not squeamish and just nose-dived right into those bad boys and took a taste...

Yeah, the 'wetting the baby's head' is definitely going to happen here. Definitely a British thing...something needs celebrating? Go to the pub!

 

[Starry Night]

My family shower was just for women but it really was just food and hanging out. Of course there were gifts, but I love gifts (giving and receiving). Sorry, but I do! My mom hates all those games too so it was nice having a game-free shower.

 

[babybaker2011]

I was given a shower by my mom, sister and close friends. Personally, I could've done without one, just because I hate being the center of attention and it just makes me feel awkward. I agreed to appease everyone - first grandchild for my mom and of course, she wasn't going to have it any other way. I've not know anyone to throw their own baby shower and I've been to at least 30 baby showers, but to each his/her own. I have played some extremely cheesy games at showers, but at mine, my sister was extremely creative and we played games that I had not heard of and everyone had a blast. It was actually an open invitation to all family, friends, etc. so no one was left out.

ETA: The shower was for my firstborn, I put my foot down for a second baby shower - there's no need.