Babys surname

[Dumpling]

So, I've been with my OH for 5 years now & he has no plans to marry me. Says he doesn't believe in marriage. It does upset me a bit because I've never thought that I wouldn't get married, but more because I want to be a proper family when we have our babies. I've been thinking more & more about registering our babies with my surname when we have them. Not in a blackmail kind of way, you know "If you won't marry me, your children won't get your name", but I just feel that I'm making a sacrifice not getting married and I don't want to be the only one in the family without the surname. Especially seeing as I carried them in my belly, gave birth to them & will breastfeed them til my nips fall off! I don't think it'll go down too well with OH though. How do I explain to him that its not a personal attack because he won't marry me?! Do you think I'm being really selfish?

 

[Shady_R]

I dont think your being selfish hun. A babies name first middle or surname is really important, it has to be right, as once its done there is no going back. Although if you are to put them in his name then get married you have to re register the children. So whichever way you do it you will have to re register anyway i think. So maybe that is worth thinking about.

 

[chysantheMUM]

No dumpling I don't think you're being selfish, I may however be biased because I'm in the same boat as you. I've been with my OH 6 years and when we discussed what surname the baby would have, he said he had assumed it would have his but when pushed on the question of whether or not we should get married so that we would all have the same surname he said he definately did not want to get married. I was upset because I actually thought it was on the cards, so it came as a bit of a shock. But I've had a few months to think about the situation and I have decided (although I haven't told him yet ) that the baby will have my name. My reasons for this are like you I don't see why I should be the only member of the family with a different surname (esp as if it was up to me I would happily take his name) but also because this will be my 2nd child and I already have one child with a different surname to my own. I spilt from the father of my 1st child when he was 8 years old and he has barely had any contact with him since. On a couple of occasions my son has mentioned that he would have preferred to have my surname because he doesn't know the family who's name he shares and he would rather have had the name of the family which he is close to - mine. I do not not want to make this mistake again! Also it is so awkward when dealing with doctors, school etc who always assume that you have the same surname as your child, because lets face it, it is usually the mother that has to deal with these things. Anyway thats just my opinion but I think you should stick with your guns, I know its no way to look at it, but who's to say that you'll always be with your OH, you will however always be mother to your child.

 

[Celesse]

We aren't married and even if we where there is no way I'm giving up my name. Why should the woman automatically take the mans name? He also wouldn't give up his name.

Our child has both surnames. It doesn't sound fantastic but when she is older she can choose to use one or the other, or both.

I think his family were a bit upset. OH is the youngest and the only one who will still have kids. His brother has girls and his sister has a boy, but a different name. His parents thought that he would have a baby to carry on thier name. I kind of told them that instead of repressing me they should empower the grandaughters to keep thier own name and carry on the line that way!

 

[julybabe84]

Hi there I dont think you are being selfish I think it is an entirely personal choice. When I had my first child OH was against getting married etc however I chose to give him his dad's second name a year later we got engaged (I then told him i wanted to be married before he starts school so i dont have a different name) so by the time baby no2 was born there was no question about which name he'd have, we got married 8 weeks ago so now we all have the same name.

A friend of mine from school chose to give her baby her surname until she got married to his daddy when he was 5 then she changed his name to his dad's surname.

My little cousin has 2 children both have a different father. She gave her first child her surname although she was still with the father at the time. They split up she met someone else (not married) 2nd child has this guys name but she has also changed 1st childs name to this even though they're not married. This has caused riots with my aunt and uncle particularly since they cant stand the guy.

I think the key thing is to make sure your open and honest with OH about how you feel about the name thing.

 

[chysantheMUM]

Ha ha, I like your style celesse
My OH suggested the double barrelled option and I agree it probably is the fairest solution but not without complications (or am I just being picky now). The way I see it, is its just passing the dilemma on to the next generation, because when the child grows up and has babies, he or she will then have to decide which of the 3 surnames (or 4 if the partner is also double barreled) to use or not. Theres no easy answer, you just have to go with what feels right for you, hopefully without causing family friction at the same time but at the end of the day, its just a name right Another solution my OH came up with was that if it was a boy he got his name and if a girl she got mine (presumably because the boy is more likely to carry on his family name), so it gives us both a 50% chance. I haven't necessarily agreed to any of these ideas, but then I've got plenty of time to make a decision seeing as I haven't even conceived yet

 

[RaspberryK]

I would either double barrel or use yours. Or if he doesn't believe in marriage (like I didn't a few years ago now married for 15 months) but you feel like the same name for all the family is important then you could change your last name to his by Deed Poll?

x

 

[Dumpling]

Thanks girls! I feel a lot better about my decision now & just have to tell him! Unfortunately our surnames aren't very double-barrel-able (hmm, that's not a word!), as we are Collins & Brown. I don't think it'd go very well! It's so good to know there's other people who think the same though. x