Being happy for other people

[aintlifegrand]

Many of us infertiles are constantly saying that when people get pregnant, it's hard, but we're happy for them. I'm having a hard time being happy for anyone. I don't even want to be around one of my best friends because it's too hard for me to see her pregnant. Anyone else feel this way?

 

[Chickensoup85]

Yes, I do! I feel terrible say it, but I when I hear a pregnancy announcement I feel like I have been punched in the stomach and, although I will say I do, I don't feel happy for them! I have a friend who is very heavily pregnant and I am ok to be around her now, but it took a while! You are not alone.

 

[jcr1988]

Many of us infertiles are constantly saying that when people get pregnant, it's hard, but we're happy for them. I'm having a hard time being happy for anyone. I don't even want to be around one of my best friends because it's too hard for me to see her pregnant. Anyone else feel this way?

i know how you feel for sure, but i also look at how hard of a road were on to get to our dreams and I dont want any more couples to have to go through it as well. i still have a hard time around pregnant people, announcements kill me but i hold it in, go home have a shower, bath or lay in bed and cry and wish it was me! hopefully your friends and family understand where your coming from on this, i've had many announce and then talk to me after and tell me their sorry.

 

[CaliDreaming]

The only people I am really, truly happy for are people who've had trouble getting their bfp's. For everyone else, I really have to dig down deep to keep from feeling resentment. I think it is ok to have these feelings as long as you don't take out your frustrations on fertile people.

 

[PinkPeony]

100% feel the same way. Like Cali it's not so bad if I know the person struggled. It's starting to feel like there's 2 types of ppl in the world. Fertile and not. I'm even at a point where I'm dealing much better with all aspects of this... But that's still a blind spot. I wish I could just get over it.

 

[Myshelsong]

Totally agree. I have decided I am not evil but totally normal in the way I feel. I am not necessarily angry at them but more angry at my situation, it is just hard not to show how I feel so I have started avoiding people I know who are trying because I know they will probably give birth before I even get a bfp.

Sorry didn't realize I was actually angry today until I wrote that ...

 

[heres_hoping]

Yep totally feel this way. For me it is compounded by struggling around babies anyway since we lost our first born. Now to be facing secondary infertility is just awful. I have a close I friend who fell pregnant rest month and I really really struggle to see her.

Like you all, I have learned not to beat myself up over it. It is normal and understandable, and as long as you try not to take it out on them, I think it is ok.

 

[popchick75]

I feel the same way. I was trying just as hard to convince myself i was happy for other people as i was trying to convince them. You just have to be honest with yourself, even if you are lieing to them. And as horrible as it is, that is the truth...i'm just not happy for people who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I don't go to babyshowers. I just tell them i have a prior family commitment, apologize, and send a gift. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. No woman who is struggling through infertility should have to sit through someone else's baby shower.

When my best friend got pregnant, i had to take a step back from the friendship for a while. She completely understood and gave me some space. She had PCOS and some other problems, so she was prepared to have issues conceiving, but she got pregnant on the first month. I think that made it any harder.

I don't even talk to anyone about it anymore unless i know that they have been through something similar.

 

[SusieC]

I agree, I find it hard to be happy for others. Even tho I tell myself I am and that I just want it to be me as well as them, not me instead it is soooo hard. Two v close friends are due soon (when my second was to be due date is). They've had an awful time, 1 TTC 2 years and 1 after 5 MCs, and I am actually happy for them cos of all they've been thro but deep down I can't feel the same happiness for those who've had it easy. I feel like a bad person - glad to hear others feel the same and that I can tell myself it's ok not to be happy

 

[aintlifegrand]

So glad to hear some women are on the same page. The other day I realized it's been 3 years of dealing with this. That's 3 years of pain, heartache, and feeling hopeless. It did help when we decided to adopt, but the stress of that is starting to get to me. I do feel bad, but I'm genuinely not happy for my pregnant cousins, not at all.

I do agree that I am happy for LTTCers that get pregnant. My co-worker just got prego afer 10 years of TTC, I almost cried I was so thrilled for them.

 

[popchick75]

We tried the adoption route after IVF also, but unfortunately it didn't work out. The birth mother has a certain number of days to change her mind (even after papers are signed) and that is exactly what she did. The infertility was less painful than that, so we went back to treatments again.

 

[aintlifegrand]

^That is awful and exhausting. We're with an agency that even if she changes her mind, you are re-activated with no lost fees. That was reason #1 we chose them. I couldn't bear the thought of having it fail, and being out all the money on top of being broken hearted.

 

[aimze]

I'm so glad I read this...

I was telling my close friend how hard our journey so far has been an she replied "yea I have so many pregnant people at work, is really hard"

What!? It's hard?! You've been trying 3 months! When she gets pregnant I'll really struggle an no doubt it will be within the next 2 months..

I'm also glad someone said they either have a shower or cry an wish it was then, I think a good cry really helps..

My little sister just gave birth to a second unplanned but pleasant surprise an my mum commented how proud I had been supporting her even through my journey..I felt my sister getting pregnant easily was different to freinds an easier to accept.

Lots of love and baby dust to all x

 

[pbl_ge]

Question on this topic--do you follow pregnancy journals? I'm always happy for one of my LTTTC BnB buddies to get a BFP, but it's really hard for me to follow their journals when they immediately jump into group discussions about birthing plans or nursery decoration, or (in one case) ambivalence about the pregnancy. I've been giving myself permission to just stay away, and support on shared threads, but I'm wondering if this is small and cowardly of me.

Aimze, congrats for your sister. How wonderful that you could be happy for her, despite all else.

Popchick, that sounds like a nightmare. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

 

[popchick75]

pbl_ge - I don't follow any pregnancy journals. Like you said, it's just too hard when it turns to decorating the nursery and all of those pregnancy milestones. There are a few LTTTC people on here that I think I would still be able to follow should they get pregnant and decide to journal.

 

[aimze]

Pbl I don't follow an stalk occasionally maybe...

I've never really kept in touch once people take the leap, I'm really happy for them but can't follow their journey into breast-feeding!
X

 

[CaliDreaming]

I stalk a couple of pregnancy journals of women who were trying along with me. All of them had their struggles TTC and they still support me so I keep in touch. I do have my days where I don't have the energy to deal with all the pregnancy stuff and on those days I just don't go in there. I think it's more expected that women who are still TTC are not going to follow the pg journals as much.

 

[pbl_ge]

Thanks, ladies. I feel much better now. There's one or two I'm worried are offended that I've kind of abandoned them post bfp, but every time I go to their journals to try and post something the conversation that makes me cry. One of them started her pregnancy journal IMMEDIATELY after her bfp, which made me really conflicted--isn't she worried about a m/c? But it's people like that who never miscarry.

 

[LoveCakes]

Yes, this is so hard to explain. My mum told me my cousin was expecting again in front of everyone (she knows about everything) and basically told me off for being childish when I was uspet. Apparently I can't stop other people living thier lives. I know it's irrational as one more baby in the world doesn't mean one less but I can't help how I feel.

I was good when we started, I was happy for others thinking if I got pregnant that month our babies could be friends.
After finding out 6 months in we were in for the long haul I was ambivalent. I took people off my Facebook feed when they announced but I could deal with it.
Now I hate weddings becuase I know what'll come and manage the brave face but generally burst into tears when I get home.

Unfortunately I found I've become quite judgemental! For example people who get preganant by accident and whinge!

 

[aimze]

Love cakes I do the same on fb...block their notifications...too hard x