Best tactic....

[Flip flop]

ok so I'm made a few posts about this over the last year so I won't go into all the details. To summarise, me and dh agree for a second baby and I came off the pill, then 3 months later he changed his mind and said he wasn't sure about another.

Since then I've never gone back on the pill. I've been hoping for a happy accident but He withdraws perfectly every time.

My question is do you think I'm more likely to get him to chance his mindset If I do go back on the pill? In some ways I feel it might help me too get the idea out my head for a while. Also it will get him out of the patterns of withdrawal and might give him more space to think things through.

Only thing is there will then be very little chance of a happy accident which could leave me feeling more depressed.

What do you think?

 

[kksy9b]

I think that the best thing to do is talk with your DH. Find out his reasons for wanting to wait, are there any goals he wants to accomplish etc. Maybe ask for a tentative timeframe to start trying again or to discuss it again. You aren't going to be able to change his mind unfortunately, he is the only one that can do that. But by talking with him and keeping the discussion open hopefully will help you be able to get it off your mind

it will all work out and in the meantime I hope the wait gets easier for you

 

[ashleyg]

I think you should be open and honest with you DH and talk to him about why he changed his mind. Maybe he's nervous about have two little ones instead of just focusing on one? Men are more sensitive than we think...maybe something is scaring him and making him nervous about wanting #2.

 

[aimee-lou]

From what I can remember of your previous posts is it that your OH wants another one 'in the future' but there's no time frame. Maybe for your own peace of mind you should give yourself a time frame for the subject having a pin in it, go and see the Doctor about getting put on to some form of contraception so you're not obsessing and then revisit the whole thing when you're both relaxed and happy and some time has gone by and you can really talk without either of you feeling pressure. I hope things settle down but I don't think it's healthy to have such a big elephant in the room. Tell your hubby what you plan to do, and see what his reaction is. My advice is to be completely open and honest about everything. It's better to be hurt for a short while than to do damage over an longer period of time.

Good luck x

 

[Flip flop]

We have discussed it a lot already and he had given all sorts of reasons, stress and money being then main ones. Whilst I understand that it is stressful we had a really hard time with our first and he probably thinks another would be the same.

He hasnt ever really said that he wants another one at some point in the future more that I've just convinced him to agree to it at some point in the future, he keeps going back on it though so I'm not convinced.

At the moment I feel like our marriage is falling apart slightly because I have threatened to leave him over this in the last (which he has really taken to heart) and now me and my family are worried about his drinking and time socialising so I feel like I'm
Always getting onto him.

 

[ashleyg]

I definitely think you two should talk more and get your marriage solid before talking about trying for another baby. Right now your marriage might be rocky, but if you add another baby into the mix (especially if he isn't fully on board for it) then it could lead to a lot more problems between you two. I hope you guys get this worked out

 

[Kiki1993]

I was reading your post and i'm very confused. Why are you not using protection and hoping to have an accident when he has already said he doesn't want to try right now? I know how much it can hurt to want a baby but you shouldn't be trying to train him to not pull out just so you have an accident. It sounds dishonest and honestly it is being disrespectful to his wishes. You need to speak to him in a calm manner, don't make him feel bad for not feeling ready yet, i know it can hurt going from trying to not trying but honestly what you are doing is morally wrong in my opinion. It sounded to me like you were saying "should i go back on the pill so he comes in me again, then when i come back off it he will find it harder to not pull out" .. talk to him, don't trick him into giving you what you want because if you do that he will only resent you in the future.

 

[tverb84]

I was reading your post and i'm very confused. Why are you not using protection and hoping to have an accident when he has already said he doesn't want to try right now? I know how much it can hurt to want a baby but you shouldn't be trying to train him to not pull out just so you have an accident. It sounds dishonest and honestly it is being disrespectful to his wishes. You need to speak to him in a calm manner, don't make him feel bad for not feeling ready yet, i know it can hurt going from trying to not trying but honestly what you are doing is morally wrong in my opinion. It sounded to me like you were saying "should i go back on the pill so he comes in me again, then when i come back off it he will find it harder to not pull out" .. talk to him, don't trick him into giving you what you want because if you do that he will only resent you in the future.

Couldn't of said it better myself. I'd be pretty mad if this were happening to me.

 

[Flip flop]

It's not a trick. He's knows I'm not in birth control at the moment and I'm not stopping him using any. I don't see how it's dishonest what I'm saying either. I'm thinking I go back on the pill and yes he stops pulling out but we also both get some breathing space and then we can keep discussing and then one day he might agree for me to come off again and it might not seem like such a big deal. I think if anything me not being on by and hoping for a happy accident is more dishoneat but at the same time he knows that's what I'm hoping for so its not really. Ie If nature makes it happen I won't complain.

 

[Kiki1993]

Your post came across as exactly what I said and honestly if you keep pushing him he will end up resenting you and feel like you pushed him into it. You have one child already, men tend to look at the technicalities of having a child, you are thinking "i wanna baby so bad" and believe me i get it, I have wanted a baby since we got engaged 5 years ago but a baby needs to be brought into the world by 2 people that want to have that baby. It is quite clear your other half has already told you why he doesn't feel ready yet, in your last post i'm sure it was financial (can't remember it well) and of course that needs to be considered. He is probably thinking he provides a comfortable life for you and your child right now, another child might mean that it would be living pay to pay which would make your child suffer. Honestly to me it is coming off as you want to push and push until you get your way.
You want my idea of a best "tactic" (which makes it sound like some kinda game) .. sit down, let him talk and you listen. Then when you take in what he says you talk and he listens. Let him take in your words. Go back on birth control. Use it properly. Don't come off it until he is ready. More than likely he will be ready eventually if the issue isn't pushed. If he doesn't want another child at all, ever, you need to decide what is more important to you. Your husband and your child having her family together or you having another baby.
But in my honest opinion your husband will come around within the next 2-5 years if it isn't pushed onto him ... if you can wait and be patient for him you can have it all. But you will need to ask him because i'm just guessing here, but normally men want another once their first child is older (5 ish)

 

[cupcake.]

Your post came across as exactly what I said

Although I agree with some of your points, i feel like you're judging Flip Flop a bit too harshly.
Tactic might not be the proper wording and makes it sound like some game, but I don't think she meant it that way.
Her saying "In some ways I feel it might help me too get the idea out my head for a while. Also it will get him out of the patterns of withdrawal and might give him more space to think things through. " sounds to me like she is wondering if going on the pill and her husband not having to pull out anymore will get both their minds off having a baby/getting pregnant, because obviously when you have to pull out everytime the thought of that lingers every time.

not trying to be rude, but i do think you were judging her a bit unfairly

Flip Flop, I think it is probably a good idea to go back on the pill for the time being. I feel like it will probably benefit you both, as becoming pregnant is no longer a possibility. He won't have to pull out everytime, which i'm sure he'll appreciate, and you won't be anxiously hoping he might forget to pull out and be disappointed, or be disappointed every month when your period comes, because you will know you're not getting pregnant.

We all know how it feels to want to have a baby and having to wait, but i'm not sure if a 'happy accident' would ultimately be quite so happy in your case.
I would advise you to go back on birth control, to get both of your minds off of pregnancy, so he won't feel pressured and you won't feel disappointed every time.

There won't be a happy accident then, but maybe it will bring you and your husband closer together and make room for the opportunity to get past your differences and both be happy with each other again.

 

[tverb84]

Well she did ask for the opinions of other people and some did give theirs. Just saying...

 

[Flip flop]

Maybe the word tactic was the wrong choice of word. What I meant was that I think it would benefit us both in the long run as like cupcake said, every time he withdraws its a lingering though and every time I get my period I'm kind of disappointed.

Anyway I discussed it with him a bit last night and I have decided I am going to go back on it but believe me it is for the right reasons. I actually now believe that we will likely both get what we want in the end this way but it might just take a bit longer than I'd hoped. I also now realise that I probably wouldn't want a happy accident at all if its not going to be a joyous occasion for both of us.

I'm just going to have to he patient and hopefully being on the pill will help. And hopefully we can have more open discussions about it in future with no pressure. I did say I'd want it to be reviewed regularlyish.

 

[tverb84]

That's good that you and him talked.

 

[ashleyg]

I'm glad you talked to him. I hope that you both end up getting what you want soon!