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Wow, what an update, Wicky! I’m in awe at how well you coped with all of that – so much crazy stuff in such a short period of time. I’m sorry about your mom and her struggles, and I hope that she gets well soon. I’m so glad your DW had a great outcome with her surgery, I broke my pelvis a few years back and I got a new understanding of how tough hip and pelvis issues are. It was so depressing struggling to stand up and to try to walk.

And how unlucky that you got covid. I’m so glad to hear that you managed to get through it… it must have been scary at the time. Luckily you have had a bunch of good things happen too, like your job (congrats!) and wonderful house! What a lovely backyard, and oh the amazing playground! Miriam must be in heaven there. She’s so adorable, and must be so cute talking up a storm. Kai has’t quite caught up with his speech, but I guess he’s pretty normal for a boy.

Oh no, what an ordeal for a runny nose, Wish! That's exactly why I have been dreading illness, which should come anytime soon. But then I’ve also been worried that Aiden has never had a cold or any bug because of all the things we do to avoid covid, and that he’ll have a super weak immune system when he grows up. Everything is just so anxiety-inducing these days! Two days ago, the lab suddenly closed due to fears of more dry lightning and more fires, but luckily the lightning and wind didn’t materialize.

Yeah, Aiden is a really jolly and sweet baby. But he’s a roly poly giant! He’s 22.5 lbs at 6 months. Almost the same weight as M! But now, I'm having a hard time with Kai’s tantrums. We're in the same boat -- you, me and Wicky!

He started screaming a ton again, I think due to the changes of going back to daycare and us going back to work. I suspect that it’s also because I went back to work and DH has to deal with him a lot more. DH hates the screaming and gets very angry during the initial part, so he reacts angrily then. So this sets Kai off more, and then after he’s gone through long period of crying and screaming, DH suddenly gives him a sticker or nice toy to cheer him up. I’ve tried and tried to convince DH to stay calm and yet never give in, but he does the EXACT OPPOSITE! He just wants to stop the screaming, and doesn't think of the long term consequences. I hate that he undoes all the work I’ve done, by giving in to Kai or giving him nice stuff to calm him down.

I guess I have the same problem as you, Wicky. How do you deal with your mom always giving in? I get so stressed out when he does it, like Kai will never be well behaved no matter what I do because he knows he can get away with stuff! Not to mention that he won’t learn how to deal with his feelings or be well adjusted. That’s how I think, anyway… I guess I’m overreacting. I decided yesterday to let go of how I wish DH would react, and it seemed to do some good. Other than that, I'm out of ideas.

It's almost the weekend... if it goes as it has for the past weeks, we'll be pulling our hair out at Kai's tantrums, but laughing at his antics. And the boys are starting to show that they really enjoy each other's company, which is super cute!
 
Oh I'm glad those storms didn't give you any trouble. How scary!!

Yeah sounds like we're all in the same boat for sure! I don't think I'm built for the toddler years, or at least 2-3. This is absolutely insane. I handled newborns so much better I think. Malcolm I can actually deal with but man, Timothy is something else. Even just coming down the stairs in the morning, wanting to do it at his pace and on his terms but...we gotta get going! Daddy has to get in the shower, your diaper is huge, we need to get cracking! Nope - just stands there. So you give him like 5 tries to come down himself but he goes mayyyybe one more step. Then you're done - so you grab him, he doesn't want to be carried, he wants to do it himself, and he's PISSED. So he turns around and tries to bite Daddy (who literally just woke up and now is dealing with this), so he gets an immediate time-out and Daddy is now the one who is pissed but remaining calm. Time out isn't going well and T tries to bite Daddy AGAIN - patience is quickly going out the window but he remains somewhat calm but shows he's mad and then T tries AGAIN to bite him (all while screaming and crying) and Daddy just about loses it. Again - we need to GET GOING. Time's a-wasting! Daddy makes his way to head back upstairs and T stands at the bottom of the stairs now whining and blubbering b/c he is 2.5 years old. Sigh. This was our morning. The first 10 mins.

Also, though DH took the brunt this morning, I'm tired of being the bad guy (I seem to somehow get stuck doing the things they don't want to do like get undressed for a bath, get bathed...the 'tasks'), I'm tired of trying to find patience I really don't have, I'm tired of trying to reason with a toddler, I'm tired of said toddlers thinking it's ok to throw things/take things from each other/beat each other up when they don't get their way, I'm tired of stuff like the color of the placemat they have being a major thing...I'm so tired. And they are in daycare! So I don't even have them all day still! But it's like you have to put your armor on to be ready for anything!! I have to find a way to look at a situation differently and deal with things differently but all of their reactions set off reactions in me that are engrained, like you just get MAD when someone bites you or pulls your hair. I completely hear you, miki, on feeling like you're going to mess them up if you don't teach them how to handle their emotions now. I wonder how important it is at 2-3, though, or if you just set the foundation now as best you can but in a year or two, they'll understand a bit more and you can talk through things a bit more. I def don't think giving them something is the way to go but I get also distraction can be a strong tool.

...well that was cathartic! HA! thanks for letting me vent!
 
I feel your pain, Wish! In a way, it's reassuring that I'm not the only one battling the crazy terrible twos. I know Kai is intense, but when he's not shrieking and thrashing around, he's insanely good fun and adorable and sweet. Yes, he has big feelings, and nowadays it's almost impossible for me to deal with them. I'm struggling through stuff too, so I'm not exactly the most patient I've ever been, and DH is an impatient sort.

I have to apologize, but your account of T going downstairs had me laughing! It's just so familiar. And I'm also always the bad guy. I get so annoyed when he calls out for daddy when he doesn't like what I'm making him do (or not do). I agree about the ingrained triggers, they are so tough to not act upon. I'm trying to rewire my brain, but in the meantime I tend to need to physically distance myself.

I like the way you think about it, that this is just an early phase, and as long as we do our best with the foundation, we're not screwing them up for good. I'm with you, I'm constantly saying to myself how tired I am of trying to deal with Kai's shenanigans. And the constant anxiety that this pandemic has brought upon all of us. I think I had pretty bad postpartum depression due to being shut in for almost 6 months with the 2 little ones, and no contact with any adults except DH. I have noticed how much better I feel now that I get to go to work. I work onsite 4 days a week, as my work is lab intensive. 80 percent of the lab is still working from home, and it looks like it might be this way for a very long time! They're saying a year...

And of course the fires are so bad this year, like everything else. It's like salt in a wound. My lungs are hurting, I'm coughing, I'm congested, my eyes sting and weep. And we can't just seal the whole building at work as that would increase the covid risk. The kids have been indoors for over 3 weeks straight already at daycare, which is not good for them. Sigh. Will next year come already?

On a lighter note, here are a few pics of Aiden and Kai. I make a rare appearance in one of the photos, but I'm making an ugly face in it. Kai and I have a lot of fun making faces and making really silly voices/sounds. Aiden is the most jolly baby ever, and Kai is so goofy... they're so great! Yesterday, I caught Kai after he put on Aiden's face cream on his own face, and rubbed a whole lot in Aiden's hair and forehead down to his eyebrows. Kai had been waiting to do that for a long time, as he'd been seeing me rub this cream into Aiden's cheeks daily. I wanted to be stern, but I couldn't help laughing as both of them looked so funny and they were both laughing!

Aiden_bouncer.jpg Aiden_car_seat_laughing2.jpg Aiden_car_seat2.jpg Kai_and_Aiden.jpg Kai_and_ugly_me.jpg
 
oh yay!! a miki sighting!! I love the silly faces! The boys are so freakin gorgeous! I could eat them up! That one of Aiden giggling - {swoon}

thank you for commiserating! Yes, when Timothy is not letting his emotions get the best of him, he's SO incredibly sweet. And he has the best little voice and speaks so well, that I love just listening to him and having conversations with him. He's started to give me this look and then if I catch him just right, he'll reach his little hands out to my face and say 'I need kisses' and pull me right into his cheek for a flurry of kisses while he coos and giggles. It's the most incredible thing - my heart just explodes. And he randomly, without me saying it first, told me he loved me the other day. <3 <3

We brought them to a farm this weekend that is a couple miles away. It's a running educational farm that is always open from dawn to dusk. They have walking trails, tons of animals in pens and pastures (goats, cows, sheep, horses, chickens - the normal farm animals). It was so beautiful and serene. The boys liked it for about 20 mins and then wanted to go to the playground but at least they got a change of scenery. And we can go there whenever we want since it's right around the corner. pics below plus one of them enjoying their swingset since M is making a silly face at the farm!

ughhhh I've been thinking of you with all of the pictures and videos I've seen of the orange skies in the SF area and north. It makes me SO sad to see/hear/read about what's going on. I hate this time of year. Yeah, it just really needs to end already. And now on our side, hurricane season is upon us. Then flu. Then nor'easters for us, though our winters have been milder lately. *sigh* We'll make it through. It'll one day be a blip and we'll tell our grandkids about it. I'm so sorry you had such bad PP too - I can totally see why. It's hard to be cooped up without all of that going on! I'm glad you're feeling better now though and work is helping. Any movement on a new job or position or whatnot?
DaddyTimothyFarm.jpg DaddyTimothyFarm.jpg malcolm farm.jpg swings.jpg
 
Thanks so much, Wish! I have to constantly hold myself back from biting them, because I don’t want Kai to think biting is ok! Your boys are adorable too, and they look like they’ve grown so much. I love M’s cheeky face, I can’t help but fall for toddler boys with cheeky grins!

Wow, my heart would explode too, what a sweetheart T is! I keep trying to get Kai to say “love”, but he doesn’t seem to even grasp the concept. He’s not great at cuddling as he’s always on the go. But once in a while he’ll decide to snuggle up for a few minutes. It’s been a while, though.

I envy you, a farm for the boys to visit so close by. We have one in the hills that we love to visit, but it does require a 15 minute drive. Plus it’s closed now. And the swing set is amazing, I now feel like I’m depriving my boys of great swings, as we don’t have any in our little garden. We have a great playground/park a block away, and the public pool is also a block away, but we can’t use any of that. So depressing!

My PPD turned out to be alright, since I never actually realized how bad it was until I started to slowly improve. I’m still not out of the woods, but I don’t know how much of it is just pandemic anxiety coupled with the fires/heat/power shutdown anxiety. You have so many forces of nature to worry about too, and this year is just such an awful year for everything – they seem to be worse than normal!

Thanks for asking about the job thingy. It’s a big thing that I’m anxious about. My pay is dismal, and daycare increased the fees for each boy by $600! I was already anxious about putting Aiden in, and now we’re draining away our savings. I asked my boss about the job when I started back at work, and he said that they were certainly going to move forward with it. But then my postdoc has been extended due to my leave (normally a good thing), and so they’re just doing nothing once again. I hate that they seem to need the end of my postdoc to want to move on it. I’ve asked so many times over the last 2 years, telling my boss that I'm struggling and need the increase in pay. I have spent almost 5 years working at this amazingly low pay. If I were to go out in industry and work at my level, I’d earn more than twice that. Trouble is that I love working in these research and science-type places, so I’d prefer to stay. And I don’t want to commute to some company, I’m done with the crazy Bay Area commutes. Argh! Please think good thoughts for me, I really need this to move forward!
 
Always thinking good thoughts for you, miki!! you are right - there is so much more to worry about these days, especially in CA. Earthquakes too, plus all the things you mentioned. My friend who lives in So Cal JUST got her kids out to the beach the other day for the first time in 6 mos, and they live like a block from it. Her oldest son is autistic so he's been extremely stressed about Covid, he didn't want to go to the beach since so many people aren't wearing masks. But they finally got out and said it was amazing. I do consider us very lucky to have the space and openness around here that we have access to (plus lower covid counts) - the playground opened at the beginning of the summer and we have that farm now too. The boys were asking to go back to that yesterday, actually. It's supposed to be back in the 80's this weekend so maybe we can do that again this weekend.
But I know what you mean - it would be tough to tell the difference between PPD and general stress and anxiety right now. I can tell I'm even starting to feel it just weighing down on me. I am so isolated and feel like I have no friends. There's a mom up the road that I recently met and I'm actually nervous I'm going to scare her away by being SO EXCITED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE! lol She's gonna think i'm crazy. I gotta play it cool... :haha:

hmmm...maybe we can do a beach day this weekend ourselves! End of Sept shouldn't bring a lot of people to the beach!

What do you guys do on the weekend? How is DH's anxiety with everything these days?

and $600???? per month/year??? that's SO MUCH!! now money worries on top of that! When does your post-doc end? i don't even know what that is, i'll be honest. I didn't get past my Bach degree. Is it like you have to work there a certain time as a 'student' or paid intern and when you finish those hours you get your PhD? THEN you can be considered for a pay increase to like 'employee' level?
 
Hey.

Sorry for the delay, I’ve been a bit busy lately! The kids finally went back to school after 6 long months!

Maisie is now 6.5 months old, weaning is going well, she cut her 2 bottom teeth at 4.5 months and has just this week cut her top 2. She’s an amazing sleeper. Tells us when it’s bedtime too bless her. Such a good girl. No more for us though as we’re back in the court process for OH girls as his ex is a bitch!

His eldest has turned into a typical teenage which is making things difficult as hell. My son seems to be struggling with the year 6 transition and it worries me badly because he’s at high school next year.... he seems too young :(

Im absolutely balled off with covid now. But life goes on. Hope everyone’s doing ok. Sorry not really had time to catch up properly..... xx
 
Thank you thank you so much, Wish! It means so much to me that you're thinking good thoughts for me. Silly me, I forgot that people not in research generally don't hear of postdocs.

It's a type of "apprentice" low paying job for people who have just gotten their PhDs. In the past, people would do this for a couple of years, publish good papers and experience and move on to get a proper job. Nowadays people can stay in postdoc positions for 5 or 6 years. In our lab, the max is 5 years. You have to leave your position after that, and you have to look for a job yourself. My group didn't have to wait for the 5 years to be over to create a job for me if they thought I was worth it, but that's what they're doing. It’s incredibly demoralizing. So I have an extremely low pay for my experience level, and now we have to pay an extra $1200 (each month!) for daycare for the boys. So stressful!

Strangely, DH has become less anxious. He still gets grumpy and upset easily, but he is generally in a better mood, and he recovers fast nowadays. He’s still full of negativity, but I think he is getting used to the thought of the virus in our lives. Unfortunately we still don’t go out, just a car trip to the drive thru once a week. We plan to get a bike trailer for Aiden, and then we can all go cycle as a family. Hopefully that will happen soon!

It’s wonderful that you get to do all these nice things with your boys. I am living vicariously through you. I look forward to the day we can do this as a family. Despite being so closed down, we still have community spread. But I still believe that the sacrifices we made are paying off, and will continue to pay off. Luckily people here believe in science. Berkeley is doing very well despite it being a university town. The positivity rate is something like 1%, and there are few cases for the population.

I’m sorry that you are depressed too. It’s amazing how down everyone feels, it really shows how much we yearn for human interaction. How cool that you met a mom up the road that you can talk to! I have no mommy friends yet. Oh yes, I know how it feels to be able to talk to other humans. I became a new person after going back to work. It’s different that I wear a mask all the time, but I am used to working in cleanrooms, so mask wearing is 2nd nature to me. It’s true that the paper style masks were easier to deal with, but I’m now used to the cloth ones.

Mum! So happy to hear from you, and so glad that Maisie is doing so well. Do you have photos? Wow, 4.5 months for her first teeth! I thought Kai was very early, and I don’t think he had his bottom teeth until at least 5 months. Lucky you, I’d love for Aiden to sleep through the night. He used to wake up at about 5am, and now it’s twice a night! I think he’s teething. Sigh.

Wow, you have a lot on your plate! I hope that somehow your OH’s ex sees the light and doesn’t drag out the court process. I hope that she sees that it’s not good for her own kids.

It’s so hot today I’m melting. We don’t have AC here as it doesn’t normally get so hot. Got to get away from the computer now!
 
1B404AF9-4F14-4508-8845-B709D28E93BA.jpeg AE13A160-7B9E-4EA7-A109-E096BCB0295B.jpeg 3ABC05A5-E83E-4100-80DE-799C3293812E.jpeg 6CB06C28-87E6-4290-BE85-35A0074423FA.jpeg Maisie is such a happy, easy baby. She absolutely melts my heart. 7 months tomorrow and appears to be a double tooth cutter. She cut her 2 top teeth last week with minimal impact bless her. But now she grinds them which sounds awful. Weighed her this morning, she’s 15lb 10 now bless her. Weaning going well. Pretty much ears anything offered. Can’t believe how fast it’s going.

Hope everyone is keeping safe and well during this sickening time in life xxx
 
oh mum, she's such an angel! I'm glad she's an easy baby for you - sounds like you have enough 'other' stuff that you're dealing with. What's the issue with OH's ex? Is he fighting for custody now? Are you moving the other kids into your house too? How are they with Maisie? They must love her to pieces. Oh I remember when my niece hit the teenage stage - it was like overnight, she learned to scoff and roll her eyes like a pro!! Good luck, I hope it doesn't last too long!

miki - ahhh thank you for describing the postdoc thing! That sounds like it's super easy for companies to take advantage of! I hope they give you a legitimate raise and position soon!! That'll alleviate so many stresses for you.
That does sound like your area is doing what it needs to do. There's been an uptick in cases here but mostly in nursing homes. But venues seem to be tightening the reins again a bit. I agree with you - the sacrifices we are making today will hopefully be what is needed for a positive outcome and this will one day be just a blip in our lives. I've seen a couple memes say something like 'make sure you're writing this stuff down b/c one day, your grandchildren will be doing a project on the Plague of 2020 and you'll be their resource!' :haha:
 
Hey all! I'm 35, hubby is 32. I have one daughter that's 9 years old and he has two sons, 8 and 10. We decided to try to have one of our own and that ended in as a chemical pregnancy. I freaked out afterwards and went back on birth control. I felt like maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Fast forward about 2 years and I convinced myself to get off there pill again and we conceived. I ended up miscarrying around what would have been 9 weeks. Now I'm in limbo. I don't know if we should continue trying or just enjoy our 3 blessings. Part of me worries that I don't have the energy that I had 10 years ago. My body is definitely more tired with aches and pains that I didn't have when I had a newborn back in 2011. Any other moms feel like they aren't sure that their body can handle it now that you're 35+?
 
Maisie is adorable, Mum! I can relate to the how your baby is bringing you so much joy. It's a ray of sunshine in this pandemic. She's so much lighter than Aiden -- he was 22.5 pounds at 6 months. He's such a giant baby, it's not Maisie that's small. How are your other kids with their baby sister? I'm sure they love her, she sounds so sweet! And she had her teeth early too, I'm impressed at how unfussy she was.

Thanks, Wish. I've given up hoping they'll do anything before my postdoc runs out. Unfortunately, I qualify for an extension due to time off for maternity leave. It's going to be months from December. I'm steadily running out of money. I guess that's partially why I can't stay calm when Kai is acting out.

It's been quite trying the past weeks, with Kai acting out more than usual (and his usual is a lot!), and then Aiden falling ill with a cold. His first cold! He dealt with it fine, but we were nervous as we didn't know how he would react to being ill. He was cheerful throughout, since he's such a laughy baby, but he's had days of loose stools. Today, he suddenly started babbling and crawling for the first time, so I think he's better now.

Anyway, Kai has started hitting at us, both randomly and when frustrated. It's not hard, more like a test of what he can do. I'm not sure if potty training or the baby changing into something more mobile is contributing. I've been losing my cool a lot too, which isn't helping. Sigh, I need to break this cycle. On the plus side, Kai is really adorable and hilarious, a spirited boy. He loves to sing and perform, and Aiden finds him very entertaining, which helps.

Hope everyone is doing as well as things can be these days. I'm not surprised at the uptick where you are, Wish. It's looking like things are getting worse everywhere re the pandemic, but I think that was always expected in temperate climates as people move indoors and flu season starts. I hope we all cope well over the next months!
 
Welcome Monroea! I'm so sorry about your losses. In my eyes, you're so young and I bet you won't have a problem. I think we draw on strength that we didn't know we had, as we add little ones into our lives!

I wanted to tell my story to give you some hope as I'm now 49, and I have an 8 month old (Aiden) and an almost 3 year old (Kai). They were conceived by donor egg, as I was too advanced in age. I was 46 when my first was born, and 48 when my 2nd was born!

It took quite a while for me to recover after this birth and I only have stopped feeling exhausted recently, but I'm doing well considering I had my boys 2 years apart. Also, 11 months before I had my IVF transfer and became pregnant with my 1st son, I had a horrific high speed downhill bike crash. My elbow broke completely off and I broke my pelvis. I was bedridden for a while, it took a long time to be able to walk.

And yet I don't think I lack the strength or energy to raise my kids right now, and my toddler is extremely spirited and never stops running, dancing and moving. So I think that while you'll probably feel the difference at first, you'll probably surprise yourself at how well you feel after a while. At least that's what happened to me!
 
welcome, monro!! I can only echo miki's sentiments - I was 42 when I had my twin boys and they are close to 3 now. We also had them via donor egg b/c of my old age/low counts, but I wouldn't have my amazing little monsters if I didn't go that route. I see you as so young too! You'll be fine!
But I see no difference in my energy levels as other Moms 10 yrs younger than me. Everyone is in a state of exhaustion, just from having toddlers! HA! But no, I feel like I take good care of myself and keep humor going as much as possible too. But I run and dance and do all the things with the kids and I'm completely fine. Granted we aren't going out on Friday nights with groups of friends while we get a sitter or anything anymore either, but DH and I were hitting up concerts into the late night every couple months or so and we were able to hang long enough. I hope this helps. And I, too, am so sorry for your losses. I experienced a few when we were trying with IVF/OE and it was so sad and frustrating. I lost one (ended up being 2, with one blighted ovum I think) around 9 weeks as well. That was my first round of IVF. 2 yrs later, almost the exact same cycle to the day, I got pregnant with my boys. <3

miki - oh no, I can read so much angst and stress going on in your note. :sad: I'm so sorry!! The hitting - it's so frustrating. Hopefully he learns his boundaries soon. I have a friend whose 5yo is hitting another weird, hard transition where he's yelling, hitting himself, arguing about everything. This year has just been so hard - they have a new baby too, they've moved, Covid, he's online learning in kindergarten, he doesn't have any friends near them (they moved from CA to WA). There is so much going on for the kids too and they have very few coping mechanisms. I'm sure Kai's dealing with all the things plus his own brain development opening up new things. Hang in there!! ice cream for everyone ;)

Not too much going on here - I want to start potty training soon. Malcolm has started to say that he doesn't want a diaper but we're trying to make him understand that that means he has to use the potty all the time. I'm about to go out and buy a posterboard and stickers b/c I think they use this at school. Overall, he's going on the potty more at school but not necessarily 'going' but just sitting when they change his diaper. I want to strike at the right time, while the iron is hot. I was ordering diapers online today and seeing the babies on the packaging, it seems weird to still be doing this. So - maybe time to work on our own transition. Timothy is not as interested in it, but he'll go before bath and sometimes he'll go when M has asked to. Other than that, I think I'm realizing that I'm the one going a little nuts now and just burned out on 2020 as a whole. I'm still saving some PTO to take for when the boys are sick and can't go into school but hoping they don't need to and I can take a couple days for myself and do NOTHING. Pshhh right.
 
Thanks for your caring words, Wish! I've been super stressed out for a long long while, but I'm feeling hopeful and happy nowadays (dampened a bit by the shenanigans still going on). Kamala Harris' childhood home, about 4 doors away, is now covered with chalk messages and flowers and balloons. People are visiting, bringing their kids. It's a happier time, and I can feel it in my neighborhood. Her mother was a scientist at my lab, so there's another personal connection.

Talking about my job, after I asked for the 100th time, my boss said last week that they might not have a job for me. They are negotiating a joint research project with MIT, and if it goes through, the person they hire needs to fly to Boston to do experiments on equipment there. So that rules me out for that job, if this goes through. I feel that not thinking about a way to hire me shows that they don't value me, and I'm so disappointed. I was strung along for something like 2 years. Since they extended my postdoc, I have a job, albeit too low paying, for almost a year more. In the meantime, either I get hired by them, or I will have to look elsewhere as I am running out of money.

Wow, potty training 2 at once! I hope it goes smoothly. I didn't plan on potty training Kai for a bit, but school told me a few weeks ago they thought we could start. We went immediately to underwear (except for sleeping or long car rides). Well, it was a lot easier than I feared, mainly because the school does the work on weekdays! After a few accidents at home, he got the idea that he didn't like being wet. He also got the hang of pooping in the toilet soon after. I think the accidents actually were a good thing, they taught him his limits and the fact he didn't want to feel icky. He just goes to the toilet when he feels he needs it (we use a seat and a stepping stool), and it's a weight off my shoulders. He's not perfect, but it sure went so much easier than I feared. So that's the takeaway from my long blurb - potty training turned out to be a lot easier than the anecdotes I had read online.

Oh boy, I think I can understand how your friend feels. These little people just can't deal with the big changes, and who can blame them. We struggle too! Funny thing is that when things get so bad that I think I can't cope, Kai always turns a corner. He's now super fun and the hitting/screaming is not terrible. It's still there, but at a level that I can deal with!

The boys got their flu shots on Wednesday. It was a drive thru, and I think it made it a much better experience for them. Neither of them cried or reacted, and they didn't seem to feel any effects, they were both so cheerful. I was so relieved!

How is everyone else? I would love to hear from you, and photos of your LOs would be great!
 
How is everyone doing? Holidays are almost upon us, is everyone getting ready? we are actually almost done with Christmas shopping. I think the big presents are done, but I still have stocking stuffers to get. It's going to be so fun with the boys this year - they'll finally understand it a lot more, love the decorations, songs, etc. I'm ready to dive in now!!

oh miki, I'm so sorry. That's horrible and very discourteous of your employer to just use you and discard you like that. I truly hope it ends up being a blessing in disguise and you can find a bigger, better job that pays you oodles of money! When will you start to look? Can you look while the postdoc is going on or is it like a contract you have to see to the end?

That's awesome about the potty training AND the hitting!!! Yes, i think we need a 'bootcamp' of underwear-only weekend and I think they'll get it. They really want to wear 'pull-ups' as they call the underwear, and they know other kids at school wear them so they want to. But they haven't connected that going potty all the time = freedom to wear underwear. So we'll have to connect those dots with some accidents. Maybe we'll tackle this over the Thanksgiving weekend since we have Thurs-Sunday off and nowhere to go!

That's really cool about Kamala Harris' childhood home and her mom! I'm really really happy for her and SO happy to have Trump on the way out. Another good thing that happened this year. And with the vaccine around the corner, hopefully we will see a light at the end of this tunnel. <3
 
Wow, you're really organized, Wish! I can't think beyond the next hour these days, so I'm sure I'll do everything last minute this year. You're right about our boys being more aware, at least it will be fun to see how happy Kai gets. And Aiden chortles in sympathy whenever Kai laughs, so it can get really hilarious!

How's potty training? Did you do the "boot camp"? Kai hates to leave his fun stuff to go use the toilet, so I find myself sounding naggy, constantly reminding him that he can use the toilet if he feels the need. He still has accidents at school, I think that maybe they are not using diapers during his naps. We do diapers during naps at home, as I can't bear the thought of the constant cleaning of his sheets.

Yeah, I think it's cool too about Kamala and her link to my neighborhood and life here. I was also so happy that Trump lost, a weight lifted off my mind for maybe a few days. But now that things are dragging, I'm feeling down again. I can't wait for the day that his nonsense doesn't control my mood. I'm sick of narcissists controlling how I feel. Which brings to mind the horrible phone call I had with my mom. I actually don't call home because of her, and all she does is unload her woes (mostly criticisms of my sister and her family who are living under her roof) on me, she's never once listened to things going on in my life or my issues. It's always about her. I finally had enough of pretending to listen to the crappy things she was saying, and I hung up on her. This is not normal for me, and it made me sick to my stomach, but I think that I have reached the limit of my tolerance for nasty people.

And then I'm finding myself really sad about my work situation, I'm often on the verge of tears when I think about it. Thanks for your sympathetic words, Wish, they really helped. Yes, I can leave for a new job anytime I want, but I'm very disheartened whenever I look at job postings. Plus I am terrified of interviews. I still want to work for my current boss in this group, and I would still take a job if they offered me one, but I'm going to try to move on so that I won't feel like it's the only option if it happens. It hurts that I was strung along for 2 years, and I'm paid half (or maybe less than half) of what I'm worth. I feel like they only want me because I cost so little to keep on. I used to feel so happy to work there, so proud that this lab has so much great science going on, and now I feel like I don't belong. I don't have much self worth (thank you, mom!), so I'm actually happy to be paid a low salary as long as I can have the flexibility to spend lots of time with my kids. So it's not like I'm some demanding person.

So I'm actually very depressed these days... isn't everybody? Sigh. I hope everyone is managing to stay hopeful and look forward to the upcoming year. I'm going to try my utmost, and thank goodness I have these two adorable and hilarious boys to help lift my spirits!
 
aw Miki - I can feel your sadness through your post. I'm so sorry you're in this mindset. That said, I'm QUITE proud of you for standing up to your mom!! Even if it was just omitting her from your ear! You're 100% right - you're worth more than just being a dumping ground for her woes. She's your MOTHER. Now that you know what and how a mother should be, set your own standards. You're a fabulous Mom to those 2 little boys and maybe even a better one in spite of your own. And you're a loving, caring wife to boot! Your family is very lucky to have you! Your Mom also probably feels lucky to have you too, though shows it in a very wrong way by depending on you to make her feel better about herself constantly.

So, re: work...something that keeps popping up every now and then, and actually my Mom says this to me b/c I'm not terribly happy at work lately - if you walked out the door tomorrow, they'd just hire someone new. You are replaceable. Like everyone else. Where you are not replaceable is at home. So your happiness at home is what is most important. Screw your company! (sorry...getting fired up here) They are not treating you with the respect in which you deserve to be treated! If you knew this was happening to a coworker who just worked her butt off for a PhD, what would you advise her to do? Stay for less than 1/2 the price or go find something that was worth her time? Speaking of time - if you're going to spend that much time away from your family, and pay for daycare so you can do it, the very least you can do is have a company and job that appreciates you for it and pays you justly.
Ok, off my soap box. You're worth it. Trust me. :hug:

And I know what you mean about Trump. He's just a petulant child at this point. Go away and let the adults run the country please.

Lastly, yes - I'm fairly depressed as well. My marriage isn't great - I often wonder if we should divorce. But that doesn't seem fair to the kids and what is wrong seems like something we should be able to overcome, but I just don't feel like my husband likes me. But I also think he might be a little depressed too and his actions (or lack there of) and tone is how it comes out. But I don't stick up for myself either so I am not a victim. I can't socialize. I'm too homebound. I try not to be depressed, knowing a vaccine is coming. But winter is just about here too. We usually hibernate but I need to keep these boys outside to run off energy, so much to my chagrin, we'll be playing in the snow! I just bought them some better gear so they won't be cold. My work isn't great - I have a newer PM who just seems to be a tattletale, which sounds so childish of ME to say but it's ridiculous. Never in my career have I had someone email my boss so much about something she perceives as a shortcoming. It's ridiculous. I'm 45 yo and you can't just TALK to me? Though I realized last week that we are just different. She didn't like how I was talking something through in email b/c she was on the email and she just gets too many emails. :shrug: But then she's mad when I don't include her on a whole email chain b/c someone surprises her by asking about it. Sigh. I'm so over it. I hardly feel like working anymore as it is, I don't like my role (it's way tooooo detailed for me, I need to be more strategic or something, or go back to a small company but I'm with you - I hate interviews!) Why can't we all just be independently wealthy??? HA! How "republican" of me to say! ;)
 
Thank you so much for your caring words, Wish! And big hugs back... don't we all need these so much these days?

I'm so grateful that you validated my view of my "mom situation". I didn't grow up with a healthy relationship with her, so I often feel guilty for stuff that I shouldn't feel guilty for. The good thing is that my mom is the type of narcissist (it took me decades to realize that's what she is) that isn't too over the top, and the type that needs people to like them more than their need for control. So in the end she pretended that nothing happened and I got a normal text from her today. Phew!

Your mom sounds wise, and those are the same words my dad said to me many a time -- "nobody is irreplaceable". I think those words kind of hold true in today's working world, but with a bit of a twist. I have a very niche type job/skillset in a niche type situation (govt research lab), and they would not be able to replace me per se if I left. But they would let me leave without filling the spot if they had to. I guess I didn't want to let myself believe it, but now I'm forced to. I'm grateful that you are so supportive of me, and I hope that I can solve this job issue sooner rather than later. And I hope that for you too!

It's too bad that you are unhappy in your job, I know how that feels. I have spent 14 years working for awful bosses. The current one is fine though -- finally! Anyway, even though I loved what I did (I somehow always do), I was so unhappy that I would feel like running away while I was at work. It really sucks to be unhappy at work! And that PM of yours, what is wrong with her? That is such awful and toxic behavior. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Let's hope both our work situations improve soon!

I'm sad to hear that you are struggling with your marriage. Hopefully it's related to the blues that hit in the early years of having kids. It's really tough on relationships! And add in the pandemic to the mix... Not to minimize your feelings, but I've often thought the same thing as you describe. DH is wonderful in so many ways, he's great at taking care of the boys, and he is a better housekeeper than I am. But he has an awful scolding tone a lot of the day. He basically barks at me, and is super critical. I've thought to myself that he doesn't seem to like me, and I've thought of divorce too. So I wonder if this is common in marriages when the kids are young, and if you get through this, that your marriage is stronger than ever? I hope so!

And I wonder if our DHs are actually anxious and/or depressed. I have had some success after loads instances of heartfelt emails which I would write the day or 2 afterwards. He would actually read them and apologize then, and even open up a bit. And then on my part I'm trying to leave him alone when it happens, and not pointing out that he was hurting me in the moment. He's generally jovial and chatty towards me a little later, and that's when I sneak in a little "Oh that was unnecessary to talk to me like that". I feel like he's been getting better, and I've been less upset. Maybe he's less anxious these days? I hope this happens for your DH too.

Yes, 2021 is looking much better than 2020. And yes, the vaccine is here! Trump is almost gone, even though he lingers... I'm now trying to think of him as a smelly fart, since I'm told that "trump" is English slang for "fart". Mum, you would know, I guess... I hope you, Maisie and the rest of your family are doing well!
 

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