Big Relationship Problems with Baby's Father

[MarchBaby15]

First time poster here with emotional story so go easy girls! Background: Back in March I found my long lost first love online. He was always what I thought of as the one. No one was as special as him before him or since. We were so in love, together for 3 years when I was a teenager. We broke up because I moved away for college and I had not talked to him in 13 years. When I found him he was extactic to hear from me. He said he thought about me all time, missed me, still loved me, regretted the break up, the whole nine yards. So we began talking daily and I found out he has a long term girlfriend. I know this girl back when we were together she was always trying to hook up with him even though she knew he was with me and when I left she finally did. So I choose to ignore that he has a girlfriend because I felt that she didn't have a problem doing it to me so why should I care. Also this wasn't some fling to me I am thinking it was real love because it never went away after all these years. I lived about 1500 miles away and I risked it all to come back to my hometown ( where he lives ) to give it a second chance. So of course when I saw him I had high expectations. When I saw him it was nice but it felt more like we were starting over than picking up where we left off. Well we had sex ( 3 times in a row, all unprotected ) and now I am pregnant. Keep in mind he is in his later 30's, never married and doesn't have any other kids, but he said he really wanted them. Now that I am pregnant he is freaking out. Bad things - He is saying he has doubts if the baby is even his because I got pregnant so fast! ( I was not with anyone else its not possible ) He wont come see me to talk this out in person. He wont tell his girlfriend and/or break up with her. But he says he is scared but happy and wants me to keep the baby and wants to be in the baby's life. But I don't know to what extent or what he actually wants to do. I told him I want to raise the baby together and he doesn't say yes or no to that really. I think he is trying to buy time, but its not fair because I cant do that, and its at my expense because I need his support now. I am only 6 weeks pregnant so its still very new. But he is just not stepping up to this. It seems the person I fell in love with so long ago only exists in my memories, because that guy would never do this to me. I basically feel like he played me. But this is serious, this is someone's life we are talking about here. And like every Mother I want my child to have a wonderful life. This is really hurting me, I spend most my free time lying in bed crying and thinking about this. So what do I do? I could - Ignore him completely to avoid the stress and just have my lawyer contact him for a paternity test and child support once the baby is here. Or I could - Go tell his girlfriend he got me pregnant since he is not man enough to do it so I can force his hand to do something about this. Or I could - Beg and plead for us to move in together and take care of our baby and be happy just like we used to be. Or I could - Let him know he can come around when he wants ( doc's appts, things like that ) and just sit waiting for him to do that and hope be does the right thing. Or I could........ I don't know you tell me, I really don't know. I want what is best for the baby. Please no judgmental opinions ok, I followed my heart and it seems to have lead me wrong, please just give me some advice on fixing this.

 

[AlyssaANDjosh]

That is definitely a rough position to be in. He has to be honest with his girlfriend, but I think that he should be the one to tell her. You could give him some time to come to terms with the idea, but let him know that she needs to know regardless of if he wants to work things out with you or her. Honestly, I wouldn't be so sure about pursuing a relationship with him if he is willing to be unfaithful, but I understand that love can change everything. It sounds like he will come around and do the right thing, he probably just needs some time to figure everything out. He does need to let you know, though, what his intentions are. I wouldn't settle on being the side woman, especially having his child. You deserve to either be number one (and only one), or work on moving on. In my opinion, you should just have a serious talk with him and give him a deadline to make some moves. I hope it all works out for you! And congratulations on your future bundle of joy!

 

[mkyerby16]

I'm sorry you've gotten into this predicament. While I feel like his gf needs to know, I wouldn't go tell her as then you'll seem like the crazy jealous person who got knocked up on purpose. He needs to tell her. Also, I wouldn't beg/force him to be with you. You deserve better than someone deciding to be with you to shut you up and you'll both end up not happy. Plus how many years have passed since you knew this man before? People do change. You may not want a relationship with him if you really got to know him now. Worry about your baby and your health right now, not being in a relationship as hard as it is to go through this alone. I certainly don't envy you. Even if he does come around and want to be with you I would still take it slow and really get to know each other again as the adults you are now (even though that may seem a bit odd with a baby on the way). I personally feel like it's much easier on a child if their parent's were never together than if they have to live with fighting parents and then go through a separation. I think you've done all you can do at this point by letting him know he is the father of this baby. You can't force anything else and hopefully he will come around. I think the only thing you can do is take him to court for child support after baby is born if he hasn't come around by then. I truly wish you all the best and hope you have family and/or friends to help support you through this time. Best wishes!

 

[nflores77]

Oh dear... I also agree with Alyssa and mk. Hang in there and be a little on the patient side with him. Looks like he needs time to adapt and react. He needs to come to terms with what he wants and communicate with you so you know what the next step is. Regardless he does need to tell the current GF, especially if he wants to be in the baby's life. I wish you the best and hope he does the right thing and that your family works out.

 

[Lucy529]

Sorry you are in this predicament love can make us do crazy things, I agree to an extent with the ladies if you give him a dead line stick to it if he doesn't do it then take it into your own hands, someone close to me went through the same thing recently and her baby's daddy kept saying he was going to tell his family and girlfriend long story short they found out a month after the baby was born and only bc his girlfriend is friends with our niece if not who knows how long he would of kept it quiet his family is upset bc they were not there to enjoy the pregnancy although unplanned they love the baby to pieces
Best of luck Hun

 

[Betheney]

There is some great advice here.

I agree you can't tell the girlfriend. That would make you seem like the crazy desperate other woman.

I agree that it sounds like he just needs a little time to figure himself and what he wants to do out. I know it's not fair when you have appts and things straight away but giving him the news then asking if he wants to come to the doctors appt is probably all a bit much at once. You do need clear answers on his intentions though.

 

[LadyHutch]

Sometimes I feel like this board needs a constant video of the movie "He's just not that into you" playing on the side, as a reminder to the ladies that we need to stop chasing asshats.

I'm sorry the situation sucks, but I gotta say, you kinda knew what you were getting into when you willfully ignored that he is in a long term relationship and rationalized your red flag with "Well, she did it to me, so whats good for her...".

IMHO, you should just move on, have your baby, be a single mom, work out your self esteem, live for yourself, and make yourself happy. Find a good guy without attachments or long lost fantasies attached who is worthy of you. Learn to be happy in the present and with yourself, alone, and then let love come to you rather than seeking it out.

I hate seeing all the hurting ladies around here in situations with douchebags. But it seems to me a lot bring it on themselves. Our society has taught us to be all the stereotypes we hate to be labeled with and it is a vicious cycle...we learn it, hate it, live it, perpetuate it, hate it, try to quit it, and keep doing it, perpetuating it.

Break the stereotype and the cycle. Raise yourself up and your child up to defeat these awful chains on us.

 

[ruthb]

Oh my what a story. At the end of the day you know this guy and you know he is decent, however he will be in massive shock. My OH didnt believe me when I told him we were expecting as it happened so quickly so can't blame him for being surprised, men know nothing lol. I agree with everyone else that at this moment it should not be you who tells her, by the sounds of it he is a decent guy and maybe is just with the wrong girl but didn't know how to tell her, and now he has gotten someone else pregnant how can he tell her that, I'm sure it would be enough to break any woman. I'm speaking a little from experience here as I was with a guy for two years, he is the nicest guy I have ever met but I started to feel like it just wasn't it but how could I break up with someone who hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't until I met my current OH that I got the guts to break it off as with him it was love at first sight. Within a year we were engaged and now 6 months later were expecting. I always feel terrible about it, even though I'm so happy I still feel some guilt I'm not sure he even know as I became incredibly private after that so as not to hurt him. My point is I feel guilty now for moving on so soon, I can't imagine having to do whilst we were still together!!! I know its hard for you right now but will also be having a difficult time, I would give him some space. Do as you said and invite him to scans, But try not to force his hand if he is a decent guy he will do the right thing eventually, just make it clear that all romance is stopped until he breaks it off with her! Good luck.

 

[linz1988]

Sorry your going through such a hard time ! It seems like he knew what he was doing all along! I personally would let him make his own mind because i wouldnt want to be responsible for his breakup id want him to break up with her because he chose me not because he was forced and had nowere else to go xxxxx

 

[MarchBaby15]

Ok thanks for the advice. Although its alot of waiting for him to come around, waiting for him to tell girlfriend etc... If I go through this pregnancy alone I am not going to want to be with him later. But I dont want to be a single mom either. But do most people really want to be a single mom? I dont think so. Its really hard for me to make decisions about him because my hormones are all over the place right now. But its definitely feels like he is trying to avoid the situation.

 

[MarchBaby15]

Sorry your going through such a hard time ! It seems like he knew what he was doing all along! I personally would let him make his own mind because i wouldnt want to be responsible for his breakup id want him to break up with her because he chose me not because he was forced and had nowere else to go xxxxx

Yeah that is true I dont want him to be with me by default. I just don't want to be a secret with this baby the whole time. And because he is trying to say the baby may not be his ( even though he cant say why he feels this way ) I think he wants to do nothing about it till the baby is born and leave me high and dry now. And I dont know how to co parent after something like that, I will be so bitter. Guess its about loving the baby more than I hate him.

 

[ToughhGal]

I agree that you knew he was STILL continuing a relationship with this other woman while having sex with you. He obviously doesn't want to leave her at this moment. I think you should have left what happened when you were teenagers in the past. She may have matured and stopped being a home wrecker with time. Holding a grudge gets you absolutely no where. Tell him he needs to tell her or you could simply move away and focus on your baby/your needs.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and hopefully everything goes well.

 

[MarchBaby15]

I agree that you knew he was STILL continuing a relationship with this other woman while having sex with you. He obviously doesn't want to leave her at this moment. I think you should have left what happened when you were teenagers in the past. She may have matured and stopped being a home wrecker with time. Holding a grudge gets you absolutely no where. Tell him he needs to tell her or you could simply move away and focus on your baby/your needs.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and hopefully everything goes well.

We only saw each other once ( when we conceived baby ). I knew he was still with her then but I thought it was asking alot for me to ask him to leave her when he has not seen me in 13 years. So I wanted to see him again and then make choices from there. I made it clear after that he had to make a decision because he was not going to have his cake and eat it too. And I didn't want to go months without knowing for sure. But sure enough after he saw me he said he didnt know. So I would not see him again after that. You are right I want to move back to where I was living. I dont like my hometown. But now I am pregnant and I am so sick I cant travel now. Maybe in the second trimester.

 

[hunni12]

Not trying to be rude, but you still slept with him knowing he was in a long term relationship with her, but at the same time he is a cheating ass...if he will cheat with you then its no doubt that he will cheat on you if you got together.

My mom was a single parent to 4 sometimes you have to do what you have to do because whether he is there or not that child is still coming.

 

[Betheney]

how's everything going with the father of the baby?

 

[HBGirl]

Mmmmmm. I'm sorry, but you went in knowing you are the other woman. He is a cheater and you helped. Do you really expect a man of his calibre to do the right thing?

 

[Charliemarina]

I can't really give any better advice that the ladies already have but what I worry about is that if he cheated on her with you What's to say he doesn't sleep around and cheat on her with other women also. ...from a health point of view you need to be tested for stds...Things like chlamydia in pregnancy can be detrimental to your baby's health along with many others....id worry about this first hun yours and your baby's health is the most important thing right now x