Yanno Nij, you aint gonna like what I got to say, but as you posted on a public forum, I'm gonna reply.
All I see is a self indulgent me me me post. It should not be "my" life, it's "our life" .. as your life now contains 3.
If you didn't care about being Mr. Popular on here, you'd not have posted.
Honestly, who are you trying to convince, us or your self?
Everyone is fucked up, everyone deals with demons every day, more than you know, but people suck it up and deal with it, because there are things in their life that is bigger than them. You say you said in jest to Katie that you were sleeping with someone else. Yanno, sometimes the most honest things are said in jest.
I'm sure Katie feels like she's going thru hell right now, but you don't see her stomping around and shouting she can't deal with it .. no, she's trying her hardest to be there for you and support you and look after you daughter, all the while you run away and stay with your friends to 'sort your head out'. Don't you think she'd like that kind of break too?
You say you know you need to talk to someone but you can't face opening up to others. I'm sorry Nij, but you gotta pull those big boy pants up and go talk to a professional. It don't matter if you don't want to .. you NEED and HAVE to. We all have things we don't want to do, but there are other people who depend on you involved here. I've had the (for various reasons) unreliable father, who was all me me me and refused to get help, and you know what .. I aint spoken to him in 16 years. Its hard going to a councillor, the first time is the hardest, but once the nerves are out the way it gets easier and you'll start to look forward to it.
You know there's a problem, you said here what the problem is, ok so .. go do something about it. Life aint a play that you can react. You get once chance and a the moment its like watching a slow motion car wreak. Things that have happened to you, what people have done to you, they do not define you as a person. Those things are not standing next to you telling you do to this and that. It happened, its past, what defines you are the choices you make from here on out.
I really hope for Katie and Chloes sake, you start making some that are good for all three of you vs you just trying to sort 'your head out'.
Good luck.
I know I am not Mr. Popular on here right now but to be honest I don't really care, I have other bigger issues.
I have read what everyone has said, and I appreciate all your support for both Katie and Chloe. And I take and accept all the anger and critisim aimed at myself.
I will state now before I continue - I have not had a sexual relationship of any kind with anyone else! And nor do I want one! Yeah I said that I was to Katie on Friday, I don't really know why I did, it just seamed funny at the time (yeah I know this will be quoted, and I still don't know why I thought it would be a funny thing to say because it isn't but that's the truth.).
My life is in a kinda f****d up way right now, which includes a possible prison sentance for something that if you knew what happened I am sure everyone on here would agree isn't something I should get sent down for if they knew the facts etc..... (another story which I will not go into - all I will say is it was a freak accident).
It is true that I have not been happy for a long time, and yeah I have tried my best to be happy for Katie and Chloe's sake, but nothing I have tried has worked! I am also not one to tell people how I feel, I bottle things up and face my problems myself.
If the problems in my life were just myself and Katie, then things would be very different, but unfortunately or me, it is my entire life that's f****d. (again another load of stories etc.....).
I don't know whats going to happen in my life as there are so many factors that could mean massive changes to my life and other peoples. But as Katie knows, I love her and Chloe more than anything and they are my life.
Anyhow I am at the docs now so will continue this later.......well that's cleared up a few things!
Right back to what I was saying........
I have been trying to sort out my head, hence staying away from Katie and Chloe by staying in a B&B, but for the last two night I have been staying with a work colleague as funds ran out!
I have issues with myself which scare me and I am not sure what I can do about them if anything. I don't wanna stay away from my family but at the same time I don't wanna hurt them any more than what I already have done. And as some of you pointed out, they are probably a lot better off without me screwing their lives up any longer.
I know the first step is to ask for help and tell the people you love how you feel, but the one person I can open up-to is not in a stable way as it is (another part of my issues) and probably would do them more damage to talk to me, so again I have no one to talk to in confidence to try sort out my problems and issues.
I don't like the way my life is heading, and I know that other people who love me don't either, and if I could just flick a switch and return everything back to how it should be I would, but it isn't that simple. And I don't think Katie wants that either.
Anyhow, that's my side of the story and I know that there are a load of blanks in there, but they are not things I wanna go public about just yet. I don't expect or want any sympathy, I would like you to support Katie and Chloe though what ever happens as they are the innocent people here.
Sorry N