C Section Disappointment

[DHBH0930]

I'm now 6 months pp and I still feel sad that I had to have an emergency c section. I ended up preeclamptic and after going into labor and being on magnesium sulfate, pitocin and an epidural my BP plummeted, couldn't remain conscious and baby was showing some distress

Everything turned out fine, main thing is she is here and healthy. But I can't help but get sad that I didn't get to deliver her. It makes me extra sad when I see pictures of friends on FB that have that first moment with their baby. After being cut out of me and wrapped up they briefly showed her to me (head near my shoulder as wires are running across my chest) and then baby and her daddy leave and I'm left lying there like some leftovers to be closed up. I didn't see her for another 30 mins or so. The whole thing just felt so impersonal and NOT SPECIAL at all (not even going into the hard recovery)

I'm so jealous of women who gave birth vaginally. The raw emotion you can see on their faces as their baby is placed immediately on their chest. And the sense of accomplishment they must feel to have given birth. I was so out of it and since I was obviously numb I didn't feel or see her come out so it was more surreal and it was like "oh look there's a baby"

It's so hard to describe to people who haven't had a c section, my mom 'kinda' understands, my husband doesn't get it at all, how I feel robbed of that special moment.

I hope so much that I can have a VBAC for #2

Do you feel sad and robbed of those first moments with your LO?

 

[Weenie19]

I haven't had my section yet but I'm booked in for one with this baby. With my first I was very lucky to have my dream drug free water birth.

This baby is breech and yes I do feel a bit cheated of a vaginal delivery but I appreciate how lucky I was to get that first time around.

If I'm honest I'm not going to miss certain aspects of a vaginal childbirth. I did not feel a raw emotion or relief as such when she was born. More tired and pleased that tge pregnancy phase was complete.

What I enjoyed most about the birth was the excitement I felt over all the things to look forward to. From giving her that first bottle to taking her out in her pram. Regardless of how she arrived I know I would have felt the same sense of excitement and I'm trying to think that way with this little one.

Remember the birth was one day. Like a wedding its just one day and having one perfect day doesn't guarantee a lifetime of happiness xx

 

[Aliop]

Yes.

Birth trauma is real and it's been horrendous for me. My first two were natural, drug free births and my third was an EMCS. 18 months on I've not got 'peace' with the EMCS. I hear what you are saying and it honestly is the pits. The expression 'at least you've got a healthy baby' is my bug bear, I detest it. Yes! I am thankful every day my baby is here safely and also yet I wish it hadn't of happened the way it did.

 

[disneydarling]

My daughter is 13 months old and I still feel exactly the same. I literally could have written your post because those are my exact feelings.

I have no advice because I clearly don't know how to deal with these horrible emotions, but just know that you are not alone in feeling like this.

 

[DHBH0930]

I know the most important thing is that she is healthy, and I was so grateful to have her... Just not the experience I was hoping for

Instead of a moment of relief, pure joy, and empowerment, it was impersonal, cold (literally and figuratively), and lonely (left on the table to be closed up and doctors just had conversations like I wasn't there)

It is what it is, it had to be done for both our health but I hope for a better experience for #2

 

[DHBH0930]

My daughter is 13 months old and I still feel exactly the same. I literally could have written your post because those are my exact feelings.

I have no advice because I clearly don't know how to deal with these horrible emotions, but just know that you are not alone in feeling like this.

I'm sorry you had a similar experience

 

[DHBH0930]

Yes.

Birth trauma is real and it's been horrendous for me. My first two were natural, drug free births and my third was an EMCS. 18 months on I've not got 'peace' with the EMCS. I hear what you are saying and it honestly is the pits. The expression 'at least you've got a healthy baby' is my bug bear, I detest it. Yes! I am thankful every day my baby is here safely and also yet I wish it hadn't of happened the way it did.

I agree, it does also bother me when people say that, of course I'm grateful for her being healthy, but I would've preferred her entrance into the world to have been a better experience. Yes it's only 1 day, but it's one I will remember forever, I was hoping I would look back at it fondly (minus meeting Kayla I don't have any positive memories)

 

[SRTBaby]

My DS was EMCS, i was tired and barely stayed awake the all day after DS was born. The nurse and DH had to feed him a bottle, it took two days before my body cleared off the drugs. I know vaginal is all natural and stuff but I would rather have Elective, that way I can be awake and enjoy the first few hours with my LO, I am actually excited for my c-section, it took me a long time to accept the choice but I am at peace.

 

[Aliop]

This has been on my mind a lot since I first read your post. I cannot tell you how much I feel for you and all the ladies dealing with birth trauma. I was totally ignorant until it happened to me and I'm sure I've given lip service to the 'healthy baby is all that matters' line and for that I feel very guilty. I really hope you get a positive experience with future births, be that a VBAC or a scheduled section you have lots of input and control with. The layers of trauma are still unfolding for me. I have been dealing with PTSD as a result of my sons birth. I'd encourage you to talk to your Dr and trusted people about how you feel. I bottled a lot of it up for months after the birth, even my husband didn't realise the depth of despair I was feeling about it. I am dealing with it a bit better now, I certainly don't tell just anyone how I feel but I do share with a trusted few. My husband didn't realise as I was lying there on the table (I had my eyes closed and I did not open them until he was delivered and hubby told me I HAD to look at him), I was wishing I would just die. Sounds very dramatic but it's true. I knew my children would be fine with my husband but if this baby didn't make it (which it was looking very likely, we were told to be prepared for the worst) I didn't want to wake up. Anyway I guess what I'm saying is please don't bottle it up, talk about your feelings and work through them as much as you can because believe me it does help if you share with the right people

 

[justmeinlove]

Yep, had that. Our hospital has a listening service which Really helped, investigate to see if yours does. I can think of the emcs without feeling sick now. Totally empathise with everything you wrote though, it's just horrible and you expressed it much better than I have ever managed.

 

[RcdM]

Just thought I'd share my experience, just typed this in another post.

A c-section saved my daughters life and my own life. And I am opting for an elective section this time around even though my Dr said I could do VBAC. I had an emergency and I didn't get to hold my DD for several days, as I had her at 30 weeks very unexpectedly due to pre-eclampsia.

In my opinion, which is one sided because I do not have experience with a vaginal birth or even getting the opportunity to try... and I know you've heard this and it probably annoys you to hear it. But these last 9 months (or 6 or 7 for some of us), it's your baby that has been growing inside you. It's not the birth experience that you hug and love, nourish and care for, the end result is a child regardless of how they were brought into the world. Some early, some late, some natural, some induction, some c-section, some with tools that are necessary to get baby out. But when your child is 5, 10, 15... will it really matter how you had them? I like to think it makes no difference. Now does a vaginal birth help with breastfeeding and bonding? Maybe... probably... I don't know. But is my child alive, healthy, and happy? Yep. That's all I care about.

It may sting right now to know you had been planning a birth experience all this time or even all your life, but you really have to shift your way of thinking. Every single woman is different. We can't all get what we want, we don't all have things go the way we dreamed of. Such is life. There is no point in wallowing in regret, what if's, etc. Even right after I had my DD, I was probably still in shock but all I could think of was how absolutely thankful I was to have doctors have the technology and wisdom and experience to get my baby out and save both of our lives. I did not care about my birth plan at that point, at all, that was the last thing I even thought about. Sometimes I think about what it would have been like to carry her to full term, but really I just think well God had different plans for us. Everyone is different and is entitled to their own opinion and I don't judge. Society tends to make us feel like failures if we didn't do things the "natural" way they were intended. Facebook and social media is great for making people feel bad about themselves because all we ever do is compare ourselves to another person and that can make us feel jealous, sad, regretful, angry. And that's not fair. But remember social media is all just a front page. You never know what's hiding behind that picture. Maybe it's a mom who is suffering from severe post-partum depression, maybe it's a family who is struggling to make ends meet and in the picture they look happy but have no idea how they're going to financially do this now that the baby is here. It's all just what people try to portray things to be. You never know what's going on on the other side.

I will admit sometimes I get a little sad that I didn't get a chance to have a cool 3D/4D ultrasound, didn't get to take maternity photos, things like that... but who cares about that stuff. All that stuff is is leading up to the main event, bringing your child into the world, and once they're here, that's it! I'm not saying you have no right to feel sad about not having the experience you wanted. But try to remember that there will always be things that don't go the way you want with your child, from here on out. So many things that you'll have no time to be concerned about how your birth went. Try to accept that and remind yourself of the positive things you do have. You have your little baby and as cliche as it is and as many times as you've heard it, that's all that matters.

 

[DHBH0930]

I never for one second hesitated at having the C Section, it was how she was going to arrive safely. I never questioned the doctors and the need for it to happen that way. I'm also not dwelling on how I feel about it everyday. I am enjoying every moment (even the hard ones) with my little girl and my delivery experience doesn't take away from that. Just occasionally I think back to that day and feel sad about how it all happened, and hope in the future for a better experience, but if it turns out the same then so be it. I'm not going to go into a deep depression about it, just bummed. It doesn't change how I feel about her by any means I'm crazy about her and have had plenty of moments of pure joy with her, just like I said I would've preferred to have a better memory of such a big event in my life, it's one day yes, but the most life changing one that I will never forget.