Can we talk about age gaps please :)

[LilMiss_91]

So, right now I'm not sure where I/we stand on WTT/TTC in the future. I'm only 3wks postpartum but I'm trying to figure out how I feel about more kids. I always wanted 4, there was never a doubt in my mind. I had my son and still wanted 4. Now he is almost 3 (next month) and our baby is 3wks old. And I've found adjusting emotionally to having 2, especially with this age gap really tough. I thought 3yrs would be an ok hap but now I really regret it and wish we'd had another sooner, maybe around 18m/2yrs between. But now I'm totally stuck because I don't want to have another really soon and for it to be that my son (as the eldest and having the biggest age gap) is "left out". But I do NOT want a 3yr gap again. So I'm just wondering if it would be better to stick with a slightly smaller gap (like 18m/2yrs) or go for a bigger age gap like 5yrs and then have 2 close together? Financially I don't know if we'll be in a position to support another with the smaller age gap but if we waited for a 5yr gap, had a 3rd and then decided we didn't/couldn't have another then I would feel awful that the 3rd was way out on their own age gap wise and aort of separated from her 2 older siblings? What your ladies thoughts/experiences? What age gaps do you have/want?

 

[CowgirlBaby]

I don't have kids of my own yet. Waiting to TTC in Feb, 2017. But my fiance and I are wanting two. I think we want a smaller age gap between them, because it would be nice for them to be able to go to school together. Although larger age gaps aren't horrible either. My brother and sister (both older) are 4 years apart. My sister and I are 4 years apart. Thus making my brother and I 8 years apart. Even though I was always younger than them, most of the time I was always included with them. I think it kind of depends with children with age gaps. If you let them interact with each other no problem. There shouldn't be much of an issue, they should connect and love playing together. If you are for example more protective over the younger one when they start playing the older one will get jealous and push their sibling away.

Just my 2 cents based on my experience growing up with large age gaps.

 

[Emilylove13]

We have a 3 year old and will be ttc our second in 3 months. I think it'll be the perfect gap for us because i don't think i could handle 2 toddlers at once, personally. She'll be 4 when the new baby comes, if things go according to plan (which they may not since it took me 19 months to get pregnant with my daughter!)

 

[LilMiss_91]

Thanks guys I guess I'm not so much thinking about it from my point of view of having 2 toddlers, more from of the likelihood of jealousy aspect of things. My son is kind of behaving in a way that makes me think he doesn't quite feel "secure". He's become needier, clingier, he throws wobblies over everyday things etc and would just like to try and avoid this next time (obviously I know any age can get jealous/insecure) but I think the younger the child probably the more quickly they'll get past it as they won't remember so much of "before the baby". My mum had my eldest brother and then 6wks after birth she was expecting again and apparently my brother didn't bat an eye when my sister came along as he very quickly forgot that he'd ever been on his own as he was so young. Me and my 2nd eldest brother however have a 5yr gap and even though we're fine and get along really well now, there was definitely a bit of jealousy on his part growing up and I remember being picked on a fair bit because I was the baby!

As for dealing with 2 toddlers though, I think I'd rather that tbh. Having had my daughter I definitely prefer the toddler period to the newborn period! I love being able to talk to him and reason with him. I'd definitely rather 2 toddlers than 2 newborns lol!!!

 

[Aelyana]

I am also trying to figure this out for hopefully no.3 and am leaning towards your current age gap 😁

My two are 20 months apart and for us what you describe was true: ds1 adjusted very well and doesn't remember being alone. So not really any issues around jealousy etc.

But looking at my friends with similar or smaller age gaps I think it is a personality thing as well. I got lucky w ds1 being sweet and easy going like his father (ds2 not sure yet if I got lucky again but seems a bit more fiesty haha). Because one of my friends also had two boys but with a 13 month age gap and her two bicker quite a bit and the older one, while certainly not remembering being the only child, is def jealous and not secure about his baby brother being there (who is a total sweetheart btw).

Having said that, while my kids get along great and we so far don't have much of an issue w jealousy, I found my age gap a bit exhausting at times and am kind of thinking that little bit of a bigger gap will be easier in terms of the elder one(s) being a bit more self-sufficient and hopefully sleep fine? But I think tbh it so depends on personalities and circumstances of your family at the time that whatever we will go for or end up with in the end it is a wait and see type thing.

Finally I wanted to send you hugs! Having a three-week old and a toddler is hard work (and I am impressed that you are even able to think about no.3 atm!). Maybe give it a little time and you may feel different again. Or at least that was true for me. Ds2 is 10.5 months old and I recently had a bizarre scare (have an iud) and am now feeling unexpectedly broody! Haha that would totally be an even smaller age gap. I am trying to resist for another year but don't know if I am gonna make it. Lots of hugs

 

[Ganton]

I think the reaction of the older sibling is dependent on their personality. My DS1 was 20 months old when DS2 arrived and he didn't cope well. Although he couldn't talk at the time, he certainly seemed jealous and would hit out at me and his baby brother a lot. DS2 was 2yrs 2mths when DD arrived and he's absolutely fine. DS1 is nearly 4 now and now loves having his little sister.

I think there's every chance that DS1 could have a better relationship with DD than he does with DS2 so I don't always think a longer gap means someone will be left out. If I were to have another, I'd either go for around 18 months (to keep them all close in age) or have a bit of a break and go for 3-4 years, and I think my preference would now be the longer gap. I doubt there will actually be any more though

 

[hopefulVRmum]

Hi I had a 20 month gap between my first and 2nd then just 11 month between number 2 and 3. So I had 3 under 3 . When number 3 was 19 months I found out number 4 was coming haha so then I had 4 under 5! it's manic but it's amazing!!! They are so close and love each other so much. We have had some crazy times bits totally worth it. I wouldn't change it for the world. My youngest is 4 now and we are hoping number 5 will be just around the corner. Go with your heart. There are pros and cons to all situations . It seems daunting but it does work out. I'm going to enjoy another baby dough because this time all the kids will be at school so I will have lots of time with the baby during the day . Either way it's a beautiful magical time..Congratulations on your new baby xxx

 

[annio84]

I only have 1 myself at the moment but I have 2 sisters. One is 10 and a half months younger than me, the other is two years younger than the middle sister (three years younger than me). When we were children the two of them always got on better. I don't think an age gap in and of itself truly dictates how close siblings will be. You could have a small age gap next time and the youngest could still be left out.

 

[catty]

I have an 11 month age gap and this time i will have a 2.5 year gap between youngest and 2nd child.
Im not sure really on whats good or bad tbh but i am a bit more nervous this time round

 

[vickyandchick]

We're aiming for a 3.5 year age gap, DS was a very high needs baby so the thought of a small age gap terrified me There's almost 3 years between my sister and I and we're really close

 

[aidensxmomma]

I just want to point out that when you go from 2 kids to 3, it's generally easier. Both of your older ones are already used to sharing time and attention and having a sibling around, so it's not such a big shock as going from an only child to having a sibling (I hope that makes sense).

There's 16 months between DS1 and DD1 and 28 months between DD1 and DD2. There will be 7 years between DD1 and DS2 and 8 1/2 years between DS1 and DS2. I'm quite nervous about the age gap this time around. I really liked the smaller age gap so I'm wondering how the big one will be.

That being said, age gaps don't necessarily determine how close kids will be. I've seen siblings with big age gaps be really close and siblings with small age gaps be worst enemies. I think personalities play a large part.

Good luck!

 

[CaliDreaming]

I have a three year age gap between my children. I originally wanted less than a two year gap, but it took us two years to conceive #2. In hindsight, the three year gap has worked so well we are planning for another three year gap for #3.

I also agree with everyone that said that how manageable the gap is depends on your children's personalities. My eldest child is very spirited and strong-willed and took 110% of my time and energy when she was a toddler. I don't know how I would have survived if we had had a baby during that time. As she got closer to 3, she gained more independence and much more easier to parent.

I also agree that size of the age gap doesn't necessarily dictate how close the children will be. I think that depends on many factors, like how similar the children are in temperament and how the children are raised. Parents play a huge role in fostering closeness among siblings.

Another thing that I think is important in spacing children is whether you plan to work outside the home or be a SAHM. I think larger gaps are easier in families where both parents are out of the home, because you don't have to worry about paying daycare for two and you're better able to provide enough quality time for all. With older kids their needs are not as immediate as for infants and toddlers, so you don't feel spread as thin trying to help two kids at the same time. It's also easier to provide more one-on-one time for each.

If I were a SAHM mom though I think I'd rather have them closer in age and get the hardest years behind me faster.

 

[Mrsb3]

My kids have a 12 month age gap and they have jut turned 2 and 3. I literally don't have a second to myself, if I leave the room for 2 mins to unload the dishwasher or whatever I always hear screaming within 30 seconds of been gone, I can't get anything done anymore at all the house and myself look like shit. If they are not falling out then they are up to no good together plotting things like .. Pulling out all the clothes from the cupboard for fun, spitting on mirrors, taking all the photos out if the frames, Egging each other on lol ! I laugh because when I just have the 1 with me (either one) they are good as gold!! But together they certainly live up to the famous "double trouble" they say it gets easier but for me it's got a lot harder but I'm hopeful that once the youngest turns 3 and has the understanding of sharing and will actually miss her bro when he starts reception so will get a long better! Things should then start to get easier and I'll be glad for the short age gap. But right now,, not so much.

 

[CaliDreaming]

MrsB3! Hang in there! Your kids sound really adorable even though I know it's exhausting. I'm certain it will get much easier for you very soon as your youngest turns 3. I think two year olds are just plain exhausting period. Things started to get manageable when my dd turned 3 and kept on getting easier. By age 4 she seemed like a breeze in comparison.

 

[angelmum31]

I have just under 4 year age gap and I find it perfect! My dd is like a second mum to my ds - i had all that time with her as my main focus and now whe is starting school I will have him as my main focus in the daytime! I wanted a small gap between kids but it took me years to conceive... Had i known then what i know now - i would have planned this gap - worked out perfectly for us & he kids love each other so much!

 

[JT2013]

I'm really interested in this. My two older sisters and I have large gaps between us (7 years between each) and both of them have 3 kids, each with 4 or more years between them. I got started a bit later in life than them so don't think I'd be able to do that but I still feel like I'm venturing in to the unknown a bit as we're considering TTC #2 when my DS is 23 months which would mean the minimum gap would be 2years 7months depending on how long it takes.

I feel ready and like the idea of a closer gap but I'm also worried it's going to be awful and my DS who I have an incredibly close bond with is going to struggle with it as he's not going to be too young to notice nor old enough to fully understand. Any insights?

 

[CaliDreaming]

I'm really interested in this. My two older sisters and I have large gaps between us (7 years between each) and both of them have 3 kids, each with 4 or more years between them. I got started a bit later in life than them so don't think I'd be able to do that but I still feel like I'm venturing in to the unknown a bit as we're considering TTC #2 when my DS is 23 months which would mean the minimum gap would be 2years 7months depending on how long it takes.

I feel ready and like the idea of a closer gap but I'm also worried it's going to be awful and my DS who I have an incredibly close bond with is going to struggle with it as he's not going to be too young to notice nor old enough to fully understand. Any insights?

My dd was not super clingy to me and our gap was slightly bigger at 3 years 3 month. Still I think your ds would be just fine. There's no way of really knowing how he's going to react. 23 months is a time where he is going to be going through a lot of changes, so the way your baby is now may not be anything like he's going to be in 6 monts. A lot of toddlers start to grow more and more independent at around two. It's also an age where his communication skills grow by leaps and bounds, so he would probably be able to have more of an understanding of what is happening that you'd think.

So I would focus more on how the gap would affect you and your hubby. Having two young kids is a lot of work, so just figure out your personal tolerance for pain, how much help you have, daycare costs, etc. DS will be fine no matter what you decide. Don't listen to any studies about what an "ideal" age gap is--it's all crap.

 

[justplay91]

I may not be the best one to ask, because my youngest isn't a toddler yet (mine are 2 years old and 7 months old) but I haven't actually found the small age gap to be particularly difficult. There are 15.5 months between my two. I've actually quite liked it. It was harder when she was a newborn and needed me constantly, but now that they are both having a little more independence, I find myself wanting #3! Which is stupid, but OH and I want three kids and we're actually thinking of maybe TTC close to the end of the year when DD is 9-12 months old. But we can't decide for sure whether we want 3 or 4, and if we want 4, we want to wait a few years in between sets of two, if that makes sense. So we have a little more thinking to do.

But yeah, I love the small age gap! My two are very close, and there aren't a lot of jealousy issues with my son. His sissy is just a part of his life that has always been there in his mind. He loves her so, so much. Again, I realize this could change as Zoe comes out of babyhood and becomes a toddler. Ask me again in about 6 months and see how I feel!

 

[awnmyown]

Funny, I was talking about a similar thing over in the 3rd trimester section (just working on our first), and folks were HUGE on "Take time to enjoy your new baby and give them 100% of your attention as long as possible". It's kinda nice to see that others think about having another soon after their last, and it has nothing to do with not taking the time to enjoy and spoil the baby you already have. I grew up very close in age to my twin siblings (they're 16 months older) and it was wonderful. They were ahead in school which meant I felt looked after, but close enough in age that my parents could teach us all things together, take us to places together without someone being "too little" or "too small" and we all were interested in the same cartoons/games/stuff at the same time. No "OMG, you can't play with marbles because the baby will eat them!".

To me (and DH), we'd love our kids close together in age. Yes, it'll probably be a bit chaotic at some point (we want 3 total), but life is chaotic. And it means they'll all be headed out of the house around the same time, and Hubs and I can enjoy retirement. There's no "getting back into" diapering, or waiting for the 16 year old to be old enough for us to vacation alone together without worrying about the house, or trying to find the "right" age to go to Disneyland because one kid is gonna still be riding the teacups while the other is SO BORED. It just works for us Trust you gut. If three years feels like too much and your DH is game, try a shorter time period this time. There's no wrong or right, just right or wrong for you.

 

[george83]

I have 2 1/2 years between ds1 and ds2 and then 15 months between ds2 and ds3. The majority of the time mine all get along but out of choice I would go for the smaller age gap again. Ds1 wants to play with toys that either aren't safe for ds2&3 or tries to set up his toys but the younger two just wreck them. Their needs and wants are pretty different even with just 2 1/2 years between them whereas at the minute ds2&3 just get on with the same toys etc. Although they run rings around me when i go out or when we try to do the park and all 3 are awake!