Cheating..?

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by MyFavSurprise, Jan 30, 2011.

  1. MyFavSurprise

    MyFavSurprise Well-Known Member

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    I'm just curious if anyone is with a man that has cheated or you've caught considering cheating on you before and how you got past it in order to be happy. I don't know how to let it go and find trust again.. I love him and he's here for me and he loves me.. I've made my own mistakes, I'm carrying another man's baby and my boyfriend is still here and loves me..he is willing to raise the baby as his..he's gone out of his way to be with me...

    he didn't actually do anything I just caught him talking to another girl and the truth came out that he is not 100% happy with me right now and we need to work out some things.. That's fine and I'm willing to change the things I need to, I just don't know how to trust that he is changing those things too..

    Part of me thinks I should just leave and do it on my own..but I don't want to because he means everything to me and he really treats me good..He's an excellent father to his boys and he wants to raise my son too.. I want to have more kids with him, I want to be part of his family... I'm just so scared and I even feel guilty because I know I wasn't being right either..
     
  2. special_kala

    special_kala love my bugs

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    i found out my husband cheated on me physically and emotionally in November after a month of lies and its blimming hard.

    its just something that takes time and you need to have faith in him that he wont do it again
     
  3. chels24uk

    chels24uk Well-Known Member

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    sorry i cant give much advise. My ex cheated on me a fair few times and I could never trust him. Hell i tried... i tried for 6 years! But it never came back. But then again, after we did finally split, i found he had actually done nothing to change himself anyway. Was still telling girls he was single etc. Dont know if he was still physically cheating though.
    All i can say, is if you get so far down the line and find you still cant trust him... then call it quits because it totaly messes with your head. I should have left my ex years sooner than I did.
     
  4. MyFavSurprise

    MyFavSurprise Well-Known Member

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    It's making me feel like I don't love the child that I'm carrying..and I do think he'll do it again.. He is such a good man why can't he just grow up and do what he needs to do to be faithful.. I'm thinking maybe I should just make him leave now, last time I did that he seemed to realize how much I actually meant to him..or maybe he just wants the comfort of knowing he's got me like that.. I don't even know anymore.. I want this life with him, I really do, I don't want to give it up..but I can't be hurt like this anymore.
     
  5. miss cakes

    miss cakes Well-Known Member

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    i hate to state the obvious but why are you together? your having someone else baby and hes not happy with yu and concidering cheating on you it sounds like a big mess if your both willing to do that to eachother then one of you could easily do it again in my eyes and your just going to feel guilty forever about the past now if he ever did cheat on you would you just let it slide because of whats happened before? i dont see how there can ever be any trust in this relationship im sorry if that sounds harsh thats just how id feel if i was in your shoes xx
    oh and if i ever found out somebody had cheated on me or even concidered it id hve em out the door straight away im a very loyal person and expect to be treated in kind x
     
  6. MyFavSurprise

    MyFavSurprise Well-Known Member

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    I've always been that way too, I've never considered staying with someone after that.. I've just never felt the way I feel about him toward anyone else, and I'm really not attracted to men.. I became pregnant when we broke up for a while so that we could figure out what we wanted to do..and I took it too far. I know it seems odd and I'd tell me I'm crazy but we honestly have a great relationship and we click so well, both of us feel that way and I'm sure of that much at least. We both want exactly the same things out of life as a whole and I don't want to lose that.

    I've never had someone look out for me the way he does. It sounds ridiculous but if i could go back to yesterday and never look in that folder and see that some girl called him baby I would take it all back and never look just so I can keep living as if I'm completely happy, because I was.
     
  7. special_kala

    special_kala love my bugs

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    i felt this exact way but thngs can change when it actually happens to you :flower:
     
  8. Ember

    Ember Pregnant - 3rd Trimester

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    miss cakes, her situation for the reason the child is biologically someone else's isn't what you think it is, so she really hasn't betrayed anyone's trust herself.

    If it had been the first time he had been talking to someone else that way, and hadn't ever physically cheated, it would be different. But it's not like he's been there for you throughout your relationship and been honest with you and just suddenly got scared and insecure about the baby being born and felt he couldn't talk to you about it and sought someone else to talk to. That might be able to be worked through, but that isn't what's going on here. He has a history, a very bad one, and even though things seemed so great lately, it was all just pretty lies from him. In my opinion, it's time to let go and move on. And don't be afraid to love your baby just because you're afraid of raising him alone. You still have your parents to help you, and you always have our support, too. :hugs:
     
  9. qpaulina42

    qpaulina42 Well-Known Member

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    Would you guys be able and willing to do some relationship counseling. There are issues involved that are tricky and would be best solved with professional help, I think. I used to think cheating was the end of the world. I'm not sure where I stand now on the subject. My parents cheated on each other. Two of my exes cheated on me. I've never cheated but there was once a moment in my life when I was attracted to someone other than who I was with and even though I never even considered doing anything it was a horrible experience for me as I loved my SO and didn't understand why this was happening to me. My point is that you are both in a situation of being less than perfect and so you have in a way a good foundation to work with of both understanding and equal blame, shall we say? I had a therapist once who said trust is not the most important thing in a relationship, respect is. After much thinking, I feel I agree. You cannot trust someone you don't respect, and you cannot respect someone you do not trust. If you feel that there is enough mutual respect still left in the relationship to keep trying, I think some professional help could really get you through this time.
     
  10. MyFavSurprise

    MyFavSurprise Well-Known Member

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    Are you happy? Did you find you both had to work things out or did you just decide it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again? I'm just trying to find a way to make it through this because I want to be happy with him. I just know he's a great man and people make mistakes.. I mean, I know how I feel about him and I've made mistakes too.
     
  11. miss cakes

    miss cakes Well-Known Member

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    well then i think you have answered your own questions you obviously love him and want it to work but dont just take any flak from him because the baby isnt his its what happens now that counts and if he wants it to work then he needs to grow up like you said and either be there in the relationship completely or leave he might want you to change but he needs to aswell from the sounds of it i hope it works out for you xx
     
  12. mummy2lola

    mummy2lola Mum to 2 trying for 3

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    I think when ur deeply in love with someone ur opinions that u would normally give someone else in that situation go completely out the window,my ex cheated on me and I tried to save it but when it finished I realised that I wasn't in lobe with him anymore but in love with the routine we had,I'd seen him everyday for 5 years and it hurt thinking I wouldn't see him anymore.u can never truely forget Hun so that trust is never fully there ever again no matter how much u want it to b.in my and it just my opinion if u truely love someone and feel u belong together for ever then u wouldn't cheat in the first place because true love means u can't stand to hurt that person,surely? U have both cheated babe and I think that says alot and I think if u were to just look after urself and ur baby then in time ud maybe think that maybe it was more routine than anything.whatever u decide I wish u all the luck in the world xx
     
  13. mummy2lola

    mummy2lola Mum to 2 trying for 3

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    Just seen that baby not being his wasn't a betrayal on him at all so I'm sorry I said ur both cheated hun,I misunderstood xx
     
  14. MyFavSurprise

    MyFavSurprise Well-Known Member

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    I don't know if he's ever physically cheated.. I don't think he has, I know I found emails suggesting it but no emails confirming it, it looked like he got a thrill and then stopped contacting them.. He never contacts anyone that is in our area, it's always somewhere else, this time too.. She lives 8 hours away.. She was definitely coming on stronger than he was and there was no talk about meeting, just a conversation about how her life was and asking about how his work went and she called him baby. He didn't say any pet names but they did exchange phone numbers.. He admitted to talking to her on the phone maybe twice but he said she's not someone he talks to a lot and there is nothing to suggest that he is lying...

    I have cheated on him plain as day before.. of course there were circumstances but when are there not.. I don't blame him for being afraid, I know he loves me..He treats me like a princess and I feel like I am willing to work through it with him, I think he's got it in him to stop this.. I just have to find it in my heart to get past it..

    Of course I'm scared, I don't want to get hurt. I've hurt him a lot in the past too, we've had ups and downs but the one thing that has always stuck is how well we click and how everything we love is one in the same.

    I would love to go to couples therapy but we can't afford it right now. I know he has said before that he would go too. I'll look into it and see what I can find.
     
  15. MyFavSurprise

    MyFavSurprise Well-Known Member

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    I have done far more than he has with someone else behind his back and it was wrong.. I still feel awful for it. In a way I started that routine.

    We separated and thought it was for good, we each went through our own battles for a while and I got pregnant by someone else.. When we got back together we decided to put all of it behind us and move on without cheating as part of our lives. He wanted to be with me so badly, he said he never wanted to lose me again and he was so sorry for everything and wanted to be a part of this baby's life. I know he still feels that way, he has every ability to walk out of the situation right now, he has other places to stay and I gave him that option but he says it was dumb of him to be talking to someone else and we talked over what we need to work out because he said he does want to be with me and does not want to be with this other girl at all and he started talking to her because she contacted him and he was getting overwhelmed with our life as it is.

    GaH! It just feels stupid and I wish I'd never snooped in anything!

    Just realized I've got 99 days left :)
     
  16. AP

    AP Well-Known Member
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    Its very hard and depends on whats been done.
    Ive married the guy now after doing counselling and him attending by himself too but, its sonething that scars you. But is it worth holding on to all that hurt?
     
  17. MyFavSurprise

    MyFavSurprise Well-Known Member

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    I'd rather let it go and try to move on with him in my life. I just feel so lost because I've never been one to easily forgive and forget and I'm afraid that me hanging on is only going to make things worse. He's made huge strides in his life to show me that he wants to be with me and that he loves me.

    I go back and forth though, one second this is how I feel, the next second I just want to leave him and be done with it and never look at him again.
     
  18. pandabub

    pandabub Well-Known Member

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    Wow, hun, I can honestly sense how torn you are here. From the sounds of it, he does genuinely love you and it appears that you really do want to make things work. I think you will need to take it one day at a time as there are clearly a few issues here: your mistrust, perhaps coupled with his own due to past actions on your part (you say you have cheated before).

    I think that this will require you both to remain open and communicative about how you feel. Are you anxious that he could cheat as a way of getting back at you for having done so in the past? I'm just throwing ideas out there xx
     
  19. mumoffive

    mumoffive Well-Known Member

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    I agree with this. If it isnt the baby and he is not happy with you, whats to keep him from acutally taking it that far with someone else. Im not surprised you feel you have an issue with trusting him. This will be partly because the baby is not his and it makes you feel insecure and what he has done. I think you need to have a really honest conversation with him to really see what it is he wants regardless of what you want. He has to want to be with you. Anything less will result in complete heartache for you and for your baby when its born. You dont have the luxury of just considering yourself as it wont be long until you have a baby to contend with. If he is faultering now..what will he be like when your baby is born? Will he really stick it out? Its stressfull enough having a baby at the best of times. If he has any doubts its best you know now and if it means going it alone then thats the way it will have to be. Just be sure also he isnt going along with it because he is too afraid to end it with you because you are pregnant...another possibility.
     
  20. lilwelsh1

    lilwelsh1 3 happy kids+2 angels

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    i havent read all posts on here but i wanted to share my shameful tale. Please dont judge me, i was in a bad place but i wont feel bad about it, i learned my lesson. I wasnt cheated on, im the cheat, me n hubby got engaged @ 17yrs old married by 19 after i had my 2nd child (aged 20) i went off it a bit, my DH worked all week and he had the kids on a saturday night so i could go out with the girls. Sadly i couldnt be trusted and cheated on him a few times with strangers. Im not proud. Our marriage was strained to say the least. I dont know how he forgave me, i have no excuses, i can tell u first hand antidepressants and binge drinking do not mix. (i had post natal depression).

    that was 5 years ago and although we r having some uncertainty at the moment, mostly over money and space in this house, we r better than ever. We r totally honest with eachother no matter what, i am very open with him and wont even tell a white lie to him. I value my kids having 2 parents and 1 home. Its nice to know we were strong enough to come out the otherside happier and stronger. There is hope for those who have been cheated on, it just takes a lot of work and patience. Providing the cheat never does it again i think u could recover from this with trust and patience. Try and communicate as much as possible so u both know where u stand. Sorry if my post seems in bad taste but i dont usually blab openly about this, my own family and DH's family dont know about it so im not a boaster. Hope it works out for u if u really want it between u u can get there xxx
     

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